Doomed to be single despite being a good catch. Tell me why?

[mr_dave]

Are you sure you'd make a decent girlfriend to the right guy though OP?

You said you have a 100% success record of cheating on long term boyfriends, and you abused the last one...

 

Maybe you should just date around casually and get it all out of your system?

[Chubbi]

Wow. I am nowhere near as pretty as you are. You look damn good girl. Don't settle. You got it. And you can find a long-term boyfriend at your age. They're out there.

 

I am 23 too and I do online dating. My second date I found a great guy.

 

I don't think it's about race either. It's primetime for interracial dating.

 

I will say that a lot of good guys don't present themselves well; they are actually more attractive IRL than they are online. They are confused about women's expectations of them and what society says they should be and they post horrid pictures or off-the-wall posts in their profile trying to be macho and rebellious and funny without really getting there.

 

Just keep your head up. For me, when it rained, it poured men.

Edited March 7, 2014 by Chubbi

[d0nnivain]

OP I'm a women old enough to be your mom. I didn't meet my husband until I was 39 but I had 3 substantial long term relationships before that as well as several other long term (more than 1 year) liaisons. I would describe myself as a serial monogamist.

 

 

On some level I had it easy. I met the 1st 2 guys while I was still in school. The 3rd I met at an alumni event. I had been single for about 1.5 years dating before I met DH at a business networking event.

 

 

My advice is on multiple levels.

 

 

1. The guy who said something about being more feminine is on to something. Do you wear skirts? I think your hair is long which is good. Wear sparkly dangling jewelry but not too much. Bat your eyes & make him feel like a man -- opening doors for you etc.

 

 

2. Be true to your goal to find a good man who meets your specification but don't treat those specifications as a check list. You aren't buying a car here. You don't get to pick & chose. If you get most of what you want consider yourself lucky. Stand firm on the character issues but be a bit more flexible on other things. For example my husband is younger than I am & he has less education then I do but those things are not as important as who he is as a person.

 

 

3. Get off your computer & more into real life. OLD will make anyone depressed. I think you will have better luck meeting a good guy when you have something in common & can build from there. OLD is only a tool; don't let it be your only one. Try asking friends to set you up. Go speed dating. Get involved in organizations.

 

 

4. Somewhere in your posts I read both a sense of desperation & a bit of anger at the opposite sex. If either of those comes through on your dates, the men will run for the hills. The mindset that worked for me was treating dating / meeting somebody was treating it like a job interview. On some level they have to impress you but you also have to impress them.

 

 

5. Don't lie if asked a direct Q but don't lead with your shady past.

 

 

6. Be clear about wanting a relationship & monogamy but don't push too hard too early. Wait at least two months to start talking about kids & marriage. Most 23 year old men aren't ready for that yet.

[Keenly]

Yeah, I can't get anything to happen for me either. Its frustrating as hell, so I've just stopped doing it. I've stopped worrying about women and getting together with one. Its too much work that I put in for zero results.

 

I want all the same things women claim to want, but OLD women seem to not actually be looking for something real.

 

 

So here I sit, single and ready / waiting. If a girl wants me enough, and I like her, I'm all hers. I'm probably goong to have to wait 3-5 years for the women in my age bracket to grow the hell up, but I'll wait.

[mr_dave]

I'm probably goong to have to wait 3-5 years for the women in my age bracket to grow the hell up, but I'll wait.

 

I hope you're not going to have to wait, you seem like a great guy from your posts. Lots of women say they want relationships, I hope you find a genuine woman soon.

 

Yeah I can empathise, but unfortunately I can see myself becoming a bit resentful that far down the line. "So now that you want kids, couldn't bag an "alpha" and your looks are fading, I'm good enough for you?" springs to mind a little.

[Keenly]

I hope you're not going to have to wait, you seem like a great guy from your posts. Lots of women say they want relationships, I hope you find a genuine woman soon.

 

Yeah I can empathise, but unfortunately I can see myself becoming a bit resentful that far down the line. "So now that you want kids, couldn't bag an "alpha" and your looks are fading, I'm good enough for you?" springs to mind a little.

 

Thanks...

 

I actually am focusing on transferring jobs right now, and as soon as I get that maybe I'll.be more in the mood to waste my time and energy chasing girls that never end up going anywhere.

 

Today I'll be putting in my two week notice. I'm debating going around the office and gauging reactions of the ladies that I tell I'm leaving. If they react in the right way, I'm going to imply that we should get together and do something before I go. Will it work? Probably not. But its something.

[Keenly]

learn the 2 year rule, no ring in 2 years walk and dont turn back no matter what he says, you can hint this stuff at about the 6 month mark

 

 

No, no, no.... and no.

 

The sixth month mark? Really? That might work if you are 35, but when you are 20-25, that's WAY too early, and two years and bail? You'd miss out on some really good guys if you bailed after two years because you have some black and white timeline you forced yourself to adhere to.

[topaMAXX]

My body is an 8-10 and my face is also an 8-10. I am a professional, stable, make good money, I own my home, I have no issues of any kind, no kids home, I am fun, open minded, full of energy, and I have been single for 8 years. Every day I come across people asking how come a woman like me is single. I have NO freakin clue!! I go online 5 minutes and I can book 3 dates just like this but nothing ever comes out of it.

 

I have concluded I am too simple. Men suffer from what I call the Batman syndrome. They need to save their lady and I don't need saving. I am in total charge of my life. How boring is that.

 

If you are as attractive as you think you are, there's no way you're having that much difficulty finding a guy.

 

Either you are overestimating yourself, are way too picky, or have something else off about you that you're leaving out.

 

How can you possibly get 3 dates in 5 minutes and not like any of them? If you have that many men to choose from, surely SOMEONE must be good enough for you.

 

Hmmm....yeah I'm skeptical.

[topaMAXX]

Next? Lol but arent you scared there will be no next. I look at my life, i've had one guy friend interested in me...my entire life. I've been hit on, maybe twice in my life, outside of a nightclub.

 

If that's the past, when i was young, now im older..why should it get any better? why should my chances of meeting the one increase? i need to panic and lower my standards. Just like in that book, marry him: the case of marrying mr good enough

 

You mention your standards often.

 

Just out of curiosity, what are they? What are your standards? What are your deal breakers (all of them....not just the politically correct ones)?

[topaMAXX]

Thanks for the tips Leigh. I appreciate you are trying to be helpful. But really its making me more depressed. Because, well, I hate to say this, but its because you're blonde and white! and you probably have a white boyfriend?

 

I do all the same stuff as you and its not working :/

 

Maybe its the whole race thing. I like white guys, but im not white (see avatar).The guys who like non-white girls, are typically, the lower quality white guys (i guess they couldnt get hot white girls, so they go for coloured ones instead?) so my pool of guys is crappier, so its harder to find a nice guy like you did.

 

PS: lucky btch!!

 

I disagree. I'm a white guy that can be looked at as quality (depending on what you're looking at lol). I mostly date non-whites. I prefer darker skinned girls. AND I'm looking to settle down.

 

There are many of us out there.

[somedude81]

Madgirl: in the past 2 years I have been on + 100 first dates. Most were not worth a second date, a big chunk of them faded away after 3rd date and a couple of them only I dated for a few weeks.

 

I have a friend who went online and the 3rd man she met was the one. They are now married and have a beautiful little boy. He's a great guy! Everyone adores him.

 

I believe it's like throwing dices. Third time she thew the dice she got her double 6. For some of us we'll have to throw the dices many many times before we get it. One thing is certain, if we stay home no prince charming will come knocking at our door.

 

Oh man Gaeta, you have noooo idea how....its an awkward word to use because i hate to rejoice in someone else's misery...but i feel happy that i'm not the only one going through this?

 

I have been on 100ish dates too! And the same thing happened to my best friend. i recommended her try online, after her bf and her broke up. The first guy, she has now been with for three years!!!

Woah woah woah.

 

Going on hundreds of first dates?!?!?! Are you ladies serious?

 

How can somebody who has been on so many dates complain at all about dating? That's insane!

 

How many of those guys wanted a second or third date and you said no?

 

I knew women on average went on more dates than men do, but that is absolutely insane.

 

For the record, I've been on four first dates in my entire life.

[topaMAXX]

Woah woah woah.

 

Going on hundreds of first dates?!?!?! Are you ladies serious?

 

How can somebody who has been on so many dates complain at all about dating? That's insane!

 

How many of those guys wanted a second or third date and you said no?

 

I knew women on average went on more dates than men do, but that is absolutely insane.

 

For the record, I've been on four first dates in my entire life.

 

The answer to all of your questions is entitlement.

[madgirl1991]

Ok, let me try and answer your questions. Before i do though, wow. Just wow. I loved reading everyone's responses. LS really has...characters, that let their personalities/views shine! And I'm dazzled at how interested people are in this topic and helping me solve my dilemma. So thanks again.

 

My standards:

university educated, white collar job that earns the same or more than me or persuing masters/phd, 22-28 age group, between 5'10 and 6'1 height, wants a serious relationship (will see me 2-3 times a week once we are together), believes in marriage, is a family person. A boyish face.

 

My preferences: Has some geeky interests such as programming, adventurous, driven in their career. Has a car. Working towards home ownership. A saver. Knows how to turn me on. Good in bed.

 

Shows an interest in my life/issues. Willing to put in effort into the relationship and compromise (eg: call me sometimes, even if you don't particularly enjoy the phone, plan a date once in awhile to make me feel special). A boyish face.

 

Reasons the 100+ dates didn't work out:

Seriously, i have never dumped a guy because he didn't text or call me. If i like them, i am happy to do my share of chasing. My last bf, I initiated 50% of things together as he was passive but interested.

 

I do reject guys if they don't meet the standards outlined above. I wont go out on a date with them. Or if i discover the dealbreaker when im out with them, i'll politely tell them i'd rather be friends and usually its fine.

 

The guys i went on several dates with, but it didn't work out with...I always noticed that they hid me from the other aspects of their lives (eg: i never met their friends, they didn't talk about their work or friends or family), they didn't care abotu frequently meeting each other, and they didn't put in effort to plan something for when we did meet. It would just be a dinner near their house (far for me), or me sitting in their apartment watching tv and talking (no sex - i didnt put out).

 

My attitude

Yes, i am a bit desperate lol. And super angry about how i've been treated and my poor luck with men after working my ass off to be a great girl (or as close to it as i can be).

 

I don't act all clingy and crazy on dates. I just relax and have fun. My ex bf for instance said on our first date, that I acted very independent and cool (ie: he was unsure if i liked him), that i was easy to talk to and confident.

[madgirl1991]

Femininity

I love to wear skirts, dresses, makeup. I wear my hair long and straight, soft around my face.

 

However, after 2 dates, i explicitly tell the guy i dont need them to spend a lot of money to impress me. I'm happy to hang out wathcing tv at home, cook together, go for a walk, visit the art gallery etc (all free, simple things). Of course, this leads them to now do bare minimum - ie: just have me come over all the time and only do something different if i suggest it. Hence, after 2 dates I stop dressing up. I just wear jeans, a singlet and thongs to thier house, though i do still do my makeup and hair. Once i arrive, i promptly ask for a tshirt of theirs and sit around the house in that lol. They say i look great in a shirt anyway, so i figure i look sexy and im not ruining my clothes...win win.

 

IF a guy (and it hasn't happened since my long term boyfriend when i was 19), someone decides despite my statemnet that im happy with simple things, that he wants to go above and beyond and take me to a fancy dinner or date after the first two dates, i'll dress up. But it doesn't happen that way I would LOVE the opportunity to dress feminine after the first 2 dates but it doesnt come my way.

[madgirl1991]

My personality:

 

The good - I get over things quickly (eg: a fight), never give up on people i care about, i am always happy to help people out (eg: lifts), i have goals, am careful with money, enjoy the simple things, have good communication in a relationship (have been complimented on this), know what i want in life so quite goal oriented, im super adventurous and spontaneous.

 

The bad - I am socially awkward althought this goes away when i know the guy is interested in which case im very playful and easy to talk to. I always change my mind/the plan of what we are supposed to do and when. I forget to consider the other person. I am extremely blunt, which can offend/hurt people sometimes (aspbergers ...sigh)...working on that. I dont have a huge group of friends so i tell the guy i want to hang out quite often, like if he is my bf i expect to see him sat and sun most weekends, and twice during the week. So that might be a bit clingy.

[Musing]

I've had a fairly coolorful dating life with a lot of variety, but I find myself single as of 2 months ago.

 

I do loads of self reflection.

 

One thing I've noticed is that I attract guys when I really stop caring about attracting guys. Weird phenomenon, perhaps it is because they like a challenge or something, or my naivety or that I'm not so eager.

And my longest relationships were those that were not planned or orchestrated via online.

 

If I were you I'd relax and just take the day as it comes. It's weird how when you embrace being single, they just kind of wonder into your life.

Funfact: Some guys in my life I am talking to, were never really romantic interests before but I'm starting to find myself attracted to them and have been flirting with them. Nothing serious but there aren't any lists involved, no awkward meetings...I don't know how to describe it other than sometimes things just happen.

 

There could be a guy or two in your life that may end up a romantic interest one day, crazy stuff happens

[irc333]

My body is an 8-10 and my face is also an 8-10. I am a professional, stable, make good money, I own my home, I have no issues of any kind, no kids home, I am fun, open minded, full of energy, and I have been single for 8 years. Every day I come across people asking how come a woman like me is single. I have NO freakin clue!! I go online 5 minutes and I can book 3 dates just like this but nothing ever comes out of it.

 

I have concluded I am too simple. Men suffer from what I call the Batman syndrome. They need to save their lady and I don't need saving. I am in total charge of my life. How boring is that.

 

Wow....you kind of remind me of a woman I saw on POF, very beautiful from her professionally done photos (and they weren't any kind of "Glamour shot" type either). One of her at the gym, professionally done as well. Apparently she trained people on her off time at the gym.

 

She's 35, seeks a male Christian single...kind of ironic since she said in her profile that she hasn't met any men in church or even church related activities that she would date. Lived in a very large city, so she had no real excuse NOT to date.

 

In fact, she verbally made it obvious that she was single and dateless the past 5 years straight. She was very exposed to the public and a socialite, so she wasn't any kind of unsocial introvert that kept her from having any opportunities to date.

 

Thing is though, she had plenty of opportunities , men were asking her out, but she was rejecting them left and right.

 

She had found and mentioned ALSO in her profile that she found that online dating to be the ONLY viable way to meet a man.....that she would have.

 

Not saying YOU are this way, Gaeta, only because you at least gave some men a shot by going out with them.

 

But this woman thought upon first GLANCE that none of these men were good enough for her...not even for a short dinner date.

 

Though I do ask, Gaeta, if you fall in that category? Do you feel that, even though you get asked out a lot (if you do), that no man isn't good enough to date? Or is it just that you DO date, it just never goes beyond that?

 

Where I live, if there's an attractive woman out and about, you have to assume she's married or has a boyfriend...and usually that's ALWAYS the case, because I soon as I start to make my approach...HE shows up. LOL

[Woggle]

No, no, no.... and no.

 

The sixth month mark? Really? That might work if you are 35, but when you are 20-25, that's WAY too early, and two years and bail? You'd miss out on some really good guys if you bailed after two years because you have some black and white timeline you forced yourself to adhere to.

 

I agree plus 23 is way too young to be married anyway. People should wait until they are at least late 20s.

[Woggle]

Also as unfair as it is many men when they hear about your past will run. Treating nice guys in the past badly then getting mad when they aren't lining up to date you now that you are ready does not come across well to most guys. Just being honest about how most men think. Many of us have been that good guy that got crapped on.

[topaMAXX]

Ok, let me try and answer your questions. Before i do though, wow. Just wow. I loved reading everyone's responses. LS really has...characters, that let their personalities/views shine! And I'm dazzled at how interested people are in this topic and helping me solve my dilemma. So thanks again.

 

My standards:

university educated, white collar job that earns the same or more than me or persuing masters/phd, 22-28 age group, between 5'10 and 6'1 height, wants a serious relationship (will see me 2-3 times a week once we are together), believes in marriage, is a family person. A boyish face.

 

My preferences: Has some geeky interests such as programming, adventurous, driven in their career. Has a car. Working towards home ownership. A saver. Knows how to turn me on. Good in bed.

 

Shows an interest in my life/issues. Willing to put in effort into the relationship and compromise (eg: call me sometimes, even if you don't particularly enjoy the phone, plan a date once in awhile to make me feel special). A boyish face.

 

Reasons the 100+ dates didn't work out:

Seriously, i have never dumped a guy because he didn't text or call me. If i like them, i am happy to do my share of chasing. My last bf, I initiated 50% of things together as he was passive but interested.

 

I do reject guys if they don't meet the standards outlined above. I wont go out on a date with them. Or if i discover the dealbreaker when im out with them, i'll politely tell them i'd rather be friends and usually its fine.

 

The guys i went on several dates with, but it didn't work out with...I always noticed that they hid me from the other aspects of their lives (eg: i never met their friends, they didn't talk about their work or friends or family), they didn't care abotu frequently meeting each other, and they didn't put in effort to plan something for when we did meet. It would just be a dinner near their house (far for me), or me sitting in their apartment watching tv and talking (no sex - i didnt put out).

 

My attitude

Yes, i am a bit desperate lol. And super angry about how i've been treated and my poor luck with men after working my ass off to be a great girl (or as close to it as i can be).

 

I don't act all clingy and crazy on dates. I just relax and have fun. My ex bf for instance said on our first date, that I acted very independent and cool (ie: he was unsure if i liked him), that i was easy to talk to and confident.

 

You want the same kind of guy that every girl wants. Your standards are mostly superficial. You don't have bad luck with men. You make your own luck here.

 

I would expect a long hard road if I were you.

 

The posters that said you're too immature to settle down are correct.

[topaMAXX]

Wow....you kind of remind me of a woman I saw on POF, very beautiful from her professionally done photos (and they weren't any kind of "Glamour shot" type either). One of her at the gym, professionally done as well. Apparently she trained people on her off time at the gym.

 

She's 35, seeks a male Christian single...kind of ironic since she said in her profile that she hasn't met any men in church or even church related activities that she would date. Lived in a very large city, so she had no real excuse NOT to date.

 

In fact, she verbally made it obvious that she was single and dateless the past 5 years straight. She was very exposed to the public and a socialite, so she wasn't any kind of unsocial introvert that kept her from having any opportunities to date.

 

Thing is though, she had plenty of opportunities , men were asking her out, but she was rejecting them left and right.

 

She had found and mentioned ALSO in her profile that she found that online dating to be the ONLY viable way to meet a man.....that she would have.

 

Not saying YOU are this way, Gaeta, only because you at least gave some men a shot by going out with them.

 

But this woman thought upon first GLANCE that none of these men were good enough for her...not even for a short dinner date.

 

Though I do ask, Gaeta, if you fall in that category? Do you feel that, even though you get asked out a lot (if you do), that no man isn't good enough to date? Or is it just that you DO date, it just never goes beyond that?

 

Where I live, if there's an attractive woman out and about, you have to assume she's married or has a boyfriend...and usually that's ALWAYS the case, because I soon as I start to make my approach...HE shows up. LOL

 

She already answered that question a few pages back. She said she's 48. It's impossible for anyone of that age to be an 8/10 face-wise. She overestimates herself.

 

Funny how these things always come out.

[somedude81]

Reasons the 100+ dates didn't work out:

Seriously, i have never dumped a guy because he didn't text or call me. If i like them, i am happy to do my share of chasing. My last bf, I initiated 50% of things together as he was passive but interested.

 

I do reject guys if they don't meet the standards outlined above. I wont go out on a date with them. Or if i discover the dealbreaker when im out with them, i'll politely tell them i'd rather be friends and usually its fine.

 

The guys i went on several dates with, but it didn't work out with...I always noticed that they hid me from the other aspects of their lives (eg: i never met their friends, they didn't talk about their work or friends or family), they didn't care abotu frequently meeting each other, and they didn't put in effort to plan something for when we did meet. It would just be a dinner near their house (far for me), or me sitting in their apartment watching tv and talking (no sex - i didnt put out).

And those things happened hundreds of times?

 

I'm curious as to how many guys got a first or second date, but you choose to not continue with them.

 

BTW, on average how many dates do you go out on in a week? In a month?

[Noproblem]

23 is sooooo young.

 

You don't have to search for the right guy will find you. Don't worry and enjoy the moment.

[Rainbowx]

My boyfriend is a truly amazing guy who throughout his life had horrible experiences with women during dates or getting to know them - to the point where he was totally repulsed by the idea of dating or anything to do with women whatsoever. He's a lovely gorgeous sweet guy and his family nagged him to date for years and he was like nope nope nope I'm done with that... because the women were all superficial with dull personalities that he could never click with. I'd known him online for a few years over a video game and then we happened to meet up at a convention that I went overseas for - I think I'm an average looker with an entertaining personality who was fun to be with even when we got lost!! That got me huge points with him. He thought I was way too good to pass up and now we're making it work long distance.

 

That's besides the point though, he came along when I was least expecting it, had been pretty much broken by young women looking for the jerk alpha male personality that he never wanted to possess... and then me whose had my heart broken more than 10ish times?

 

Point is you have to keep looking and completely ditch those "standards" because at the end of the day, so long as they aren't a complete loser not working on a life for themselves if they can come home at the end of the day and make you smile who gives a damn how much money they make or their educational background or whatever else was on that list? If I can be heartbroken that many times (and this is with younger guys with no directions in their lives and me being naive with my heart on my sleep) eventually you grow up and decide to date that nice guy that you always friend zoned (done that more times than I can count, then woke up one day and was like WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DO I KEEP DOING THIS and then I met the love of my life...had it been one year sooner and I wouldn't have even considered him)

 

So ya what the others said no rush, grow up blah blah eventually the right guy will come along when you least expect it.

[Teraskas]

If I can be heartbroken that many times (and this is with younger guys with no directions in their lives and me being naive with my heart on my sleep) eventually you grow up and decide to date that nice guy that you always friend zoned (done that more times than I can count, then woke up one day and was like WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DO I KEEP DOING THIS and then I met the love of my life...had it been one year sooner and I wouldn't have even considered him)

 

So ya what the others said no rush, grow up blah blah eventually the right guy will come along when you least expect it.

 

 

I wish women in their 20s in this day and age would wake up sooner to that realisation.

It is turning the good, genuine friendzoned guys into the alpha male jerk personality type JUST to be able to compete and stand a chance.

Regrettably, I'm already involuntarily starting to feel myself evolve to this.

My 'dark side' is surfacing a lot more often due to all the negative experiences I've been through thus far.

 

As for the last sentence, I find it ironic that it is always said by someone in a relationship. I have yet to see a single status person say that and mean it.

Edited March 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote