Doomed to be single despite being a good catch. Tell me why?

[Rainbowx]

Believe me I know what you mean, I was single for a couple of years until I hit that WHYYYYYYYYYYYY stage because I realized that there were good guys everywhere who I knew would take care of me and want the best for me who are definitely "settle down" material and we just take them for granted and side line them while all we do is go for guys that make us feel hopeless and cynical about men in general. It's a stupid cycle and once I "grew up" a great guy made it out of the dreaded friend zone

[somedude81]

Believe me I know what you mean, I was single for a couple of years until I hit that WHYYYYYYYYYYYY stage because I realized that there were good guys everywhere who I knew would take care of me and want the best for me who are definitely "settle down" material and we just take them for granted and side line them while all we do is go for guys that make us feel hopeless and cynical about men in general. It's a stupid cycle and once I "grew up" a great guy made it out of the dreaded friend zone

It takes a mature women to realize that her dating problems are not because of the men, but because of herself.

[topaMAXX]

Believe me I know what you mean, I was single for a couple of years until I hit that WHYYYYYYYYYYYY stage because I realized that there were good guys everywhere who I knew would take care of me and want the best for me who are definitely "settle down" material and we just take them for granted and side line them while all we do is go for guys that make us feel hopeless and cynical about men in general. It's a stupid cycle and once I "grew up" a great guy made it out of the dreaded friend zone

 

To be fair, a guy only ends up in the friendzone if he allows it.

 

I haven't been in a friendzone that I didn't want to be in in years.

[Keenly]

To be fair, a guy only ends up in the friendzone if he allows it.

 

I haven't been in a friendzone that I didn't want to be in in years.

 

You sure talk a lot of talk.

[topaMAXX]

You sure talk a lot of talk.

 

I didn't mean that I get every girl I go for. I meant that I either get them or, if I don't, I stop talking to them.

 

I never end up in the friendzone because I don't allow it to happen UNLESS I just want to be friends too.

[hasaquestion]

23 is sooooo young.

 

You don't have to search for the right guy will find you. Don't worry and enjoy the moment.

 

Bingo. OP you need to kick it and lighten up a bit. You're attractive, smart, and instead of having fun you're freaking out looking for a Justin Timberlake out there. You'll be ok, have some fun and spend more time with your girlfriends instead of going on 100s of dates. Instead of treating a bf like an end result just live a little and put yourself in public and the guy will find you.

[pickflicker]

I wish women in their 20s in this day and age would wake up sooner to that realisation.

It is turning the good, genuine friendzoned guys into the alpha male jerk personality type JUST to be able to compete and stand a chance.

Regrettably, I'm already involuntarily starting to feel myself evolve to this.

My 'dark side' is surfacing a lot more often due to all the negative experiences I've been through thus far.

 

As for the last sentence, I find it ironic that it is always said by someone in a relationship. I have yet to see a single status person say that and mean it.

 

If you turn into a jerk because of dating, it is not the woman's fault, it I'd yours. The same goes for woman who become bitches and complain that "men made them do it". It is a cop-out. You cannot act like a jerk and then blame other people for it, that's on you.

 

There's nothing involuntarily about it.

[pickflicker]

I didn't mean that I get every girl I go for. I meant that I either get them or, if I don't, I stop talking to them.

 

I never end up in the friendzone because I don't allow it to happen UNLESS I just want to be friends too.

 

Me either (genders reversed).

[hotpotato]

Also to add to the above:

 

I'd let a guy lead - if he would bloody do it! Im tired of waiting..and guys don't call, they text. They don't invite me on a nice date, they invite me to their house! Screw that! Guys these days are just lazy!

 

OLD booty calls are very common. Also, some guys take terrible advice. They are told to try to get into your pants ASAP so they dont end up in the friendzone. Either way, i just next him. Most guys think it's skanky when you sleep with them quickly, but yet they still ask. Most men who push for sex quickly are not trying to date you, so move on.

 

 

So I am not too far off with my men suffer from Batman syndrome.

 

I was dumped once after 3 months dating and the man said I was too rational. Huh? really! I thought being rational was a good quality !!

Yep. Men want to date down. Being equal can be intimidating.

 

Doesn't happen to me. If a guy wants to see me, he takes me to dinner. He pays. He's attentive. He follows up.

 

I never initiate contact with a guy. I let them to it. The guys that don't, get left behind.

 

Ditto!

I had to learn to stop chasing guys, even if I'm dating them. If a man wants to be with a woman, he'll miss her. You will never have to twist a man's arm to make him call or text if he's into you.

 

Basically, unless you are a supermodel, have an amazing personality or are willing to lower your standards - you will be left on the shelf.

 

Guys dont need to accept our flaws, and give us the commitment we want, because of the economics of sex.

 

There are plenty of women willing to sleep with them. So mine and 8-face girl's prices (what we demand in exchange) are too high, evidently.

 

I could model, and yet that hasn't solved my dating problems.

Honestly, men are very attracted to average looking women. A woman doesn't have to be model material to be sexy to a man.

 

Thanks for the tips Leigh. I appreciate you are trying to be helpful. But really its making me more depressed. Because, well, I hate to say this, but its because you're blonde and white! and you probably have a white boyfriend?

 

I do all the same stuff as you and its not working :/

 

Maybe its the whole race thing. I like white guys, but im not white (see avatar).The guys who like non-white girls, are typically, the lower quality white guys (i guess they couldnt get hot white girls, so they go for coloured ones instead?) so my pool of guys is crappier, so its harder to find a nice guy like you did.

 

PS: lucky btch!!

 

I'm ethnic and date white men. I've dated semi-pro football players. So no, you dont have to settle for white men you perceive as less desirable because you are not white. Most of the white men I've dated have a marked preference for ethnic women.

 

yup

 

 

 

faked. date quality guys, and learn the 2 year rule, no ring in 2 years walk and dont turn back no matter what he says, you can hint this stuff at about the 6 month mark

 

FYI when i read your first post, you're figuring it out on your own but you're not "yet" ready

 

I'll give a man 3 years max, that's it.

[Copelandsanity]

My standards:

university educated, white collar job that earns the same or more than me or persuing masters/phd, 22-28 age group, between 5'10 and 6'1 height, wants a serious relationship (will see me 2-3 times a week once we are together), believes in marriage, is a family person. A boyish face.

 

My preferences: Has some geeky interests such as programming, adventurous, driven in their career. Has a car. Working towards home ownership. A saver. Knows how to turn me on. Good in bed.

 

Shows an interest in my life/issues. Willing to put in effort into the relationship and compromise (eg: call me sometimes, even if you don't particularly enjoy the phone, plan a date once in awhile to make me feel special). A boyish face.

 

Reasons the 100+ dates didn't work out:

Seriously, i have never dumped a guy because he didn't text or call me. If i like them, i am happy to do my share of chasing. My last bf, I initiated 50% of things together as he was passive but interested.

 

I do reject guys if they don't meet the standards outlined above. I wont go out on a date with them. Or if i discover the dealbreaker when im out with them, i'll politely tell them i'd rather be friends and usually its fine.

 

Your standards on their own aren't unreasonable, but in totality, they are. Some of them also contradict each other. The reason why you've been on 100+ dates that didn't work out is because you're looking for the someone that doesn't exist. And to be honest, even if you did meet this perfect person, there's a decent chance that the two of have no romantic chemistry whatsoever.

 

I think instead of having all these specific laundry list of standards and requirements, a better strategy is to meet lots of different people - not necessarily with relationships in mind - have fun, see what positive qualities they have to offer, what they have in common with you and what kind of chemistry you have with them.

[topaMAXX]

Your standards on their own aren't unreasonable, but in totality, they are. Some of them also contradict each other. The reason why you've been on 100+ dates that didn't work out is because you're looking for the someone that doesn't exist. And to be honest, even if you did meet this perfect person, there's a decent chance that the two of have no romantic chemistry whatsoever.

 

I think instead of having all these specific laundry list of standards and requirements, a better strategy is to meet lots of different people - not necessarily with relationships in mind - have fun, see what positive qualities they have to offer, what they have in common with you and what kind of chemistry you have with them.

 

OP's major problem, as I said before, is immaturity, which is fine because she's young.

 

She should have some kind of list with some deal breakers. However, her deal breakers should not be superficial ones.

 

For example, I'm a guy that is actively looking to get into a relationship that leads to marriage. Here are my deal breakers:

 

1) She must not have kids

2) She must want kids

3) She must not have any major psychological/personality disorder

4) She must have something of value to bring to the table (either a career or cooking/cleaning/homemaking abilities and desires)

5) She must be fit

6) She must be open-minded

7) She must be under 30 years old

8) She must be family oriented

 

The only things on my list that can be considered superficial are the age and fitness. But they're both practical because I'd like to have kids (and it becomes VERY difficult for women to have children after 35), but not right away. Also, I'm very fit and go to the gym 5 days a week. It's a pretty big part of my life.

 

Of course, I need to be physically attracted to the girl, but that comes in all shapes and sizes. Also, I've noticed that, for me, physical attraction can develop over time. And, finally, the girl needs to be nice to me and treat me with respect (but that's an obvious one).

 

Now, OP is 23. I'm 27. When I was 23, the only thing I was looking for was "hot". Hopefully, she will grow up a bit when she enters the real world. If not, well, best of luck to her!

[hotpotato]

So I am not too far off with my men suffer from Batman syndrome.

 

I was dumped once after 3 months dating and the man said I was too rational. Huh? really! I thought being rational was a good quality !!

 

Basically, unless you are a supermodel, have an amazing personality or are willing to lower your standards - you will be left on the shelf.

 

Guys dont need to accept our flaws, and give us the commitment we want, because of the economics of sex.

 

There are plenty of women willing to sleep with them. So mine and 8-face girl's prices (what we demand in exchange) are too high, evidently.

If you are strong, capable, successful woman, about 5% of the male population wants you.

 

You may have ease men into seeing you as strong and capable.

 

The most sexually appealing women are average. This woman has more widespread appeal to the male population.

 

Many men do NOT want supermodels. Even on LS, men complain that a beautiful woman must be

 

* a beeyatch

*high maintenance

*constantly surrounded by a horde of suitors

*impossible standards for men

 

 

I can sympathize. I'm not traditionally successful, but I'm well read, curious, and intelligent, have male interests, and in better shape than most men. This is enough to intimidate most men. I just have to accept that a small number of men will want me long term.

[mr_dave]

I'll give a man 3 years max, that's it.

 

Wow, I'm glad I didn't follow that rule!

I would have had to go through a divorce when the girl I was going to propose to left me for another guy!

[pickflicker]

OP's major problem, as I said before, is immaturity, which is fine because she's young.

 

She should have some kind of list with some deal breakers. However, her deal breakers should not be superficial ones.

 

For example, I'm a guy that is actively looking to get into a relationship that leads to marriage. Here are my deal breakers:

 

1) She must not have kids

2) She must want kids

3) She must not have any major psychological/personality disorder

4) She must have something of value to bring to the table (either a career or cooking/cleaning/homemaking abilities and desires)

5) She must be fit

6) She must be open-minded

7) She must be under 30 years old

8) She must be family oriented

 

The only things on my list that can be considered superficial are the age and fitness. But they're both practical because I'd like to have kids (and it becomes VERY difficult for women to have children after 35), but not right away. Also, I'm very fit and go to the gym 5 days a week. It's a pretty big part of my life.

 

Of course, I need to be physically attracted to the girl, but that comes in all shapes and sizes. Also, I've noticed that, for me, physical attraction can develop over time. And, finally, the girl needs to be nice to me and treat me with respect (but that's an obvious one).

 

Now, OP is 23. I'm 27. When I was 23, the only thing I was looking for was "hot". Hopefully, she will grow up a bit when she enters the real world. If not, well, best of luck to her!

 

The only thing of value a woman has to bring to the table is career or being able to cook?

 

Jesus. Hire a maid, if that's all we're worth.

[topaMAXX]

The only thing of value a woman has to bring to the table is career or being able to cook?

 

Jesus. Hire a maid, if that's all we're worth.

 

I meant in terms of bringing something to the relationship. The last girl I dated had no career and barely made any money at her job (so I had to pay for everything). She also couldn't cook (so I had to) and was very messy (so I had to clean up after her).

 

I'm okay with either the equal thing (where we both work and share the household duties) or the traditional thing (I make the money and she takes care of the kids and home), but I don't want to have to do everything.

 

Not an unreasonable expectation, imho.

[hotpotato]

Wow, I'm glad I didn't follow that rule!

I would have had to go through a divorce when the girl I was going to propose to left me for another guy!

 

It's not as big of a deal for you because you are a man. A lot of men have preferences for younger women. I advise women against spending their youth with a man who can't

t make up his mind.

 

The exception would be relationships that start in high school.

 

Me personally I need a man with a plan, a man who knows what he wants and won't pussyfoot around. Point blank, there are many time wasters out there.

[Leigh 87]

No offence, but I think her standards are too high.

 

University educated, tall, average or higher than average income....

 

And I suppose she also wants a guy who is crazy about her and who falls madly in love with her? Who she ALSO feels the same way about?

 

 

 

It is hard on its own to find a guy who YOU feel chemistry for and who YOU are crazy about and who ALSO feels the same way about you. And who you can also have an intelligent conversation with and who has the same or similar values as you.

 

 

 

...But to find a guy you love being around and who shares mutual chemistry with you AND who has to be university educated and tall/handsome?

 

Get real.

 

I hope I am not being offensive. You are indeed very pretty and attractive based on your picture.

It is just... hard to find the whole "crazy in love" thing where you start out with good romantic and sexual chemistry AND are also compatible AND MUTUALLY feel both of those factors (the chemistry plus the compatibility).

You're problem is; you would find yourself very compatible with a man who is not university educated, but who is every bit as intelligent as you and has a full time job.

 

 

 

 

I also have Asperger's and found it hard to date and keep men. They would often start out very much into me and then they bailed when I showed signs that I was "different".

I could easily get he dates though. It was just keeping them past a month that didn't always happen.

 

 

 

 

The current guy I have great chemistry with but he is also a bit "different due to a medical incident that happened to him and has hindered his short term memory.

 

Due to the incident he wasn't able to attend University, as he fell ill around that time he was de to go.

However, he is SMART ENOUGH to have finished Uni, he has a stable job and a trade, he has ambitions and aspirations...

 

He is also crazy about me and was smitten by me from date one. I felt the same! We had chemistry and were also very compatible.

 

I would have missed out on a great love if I was shallow enough to assume that a guy without a university education was somehow not as "intelligent" as a man who has been to Uni.

You DO realise that going to university has NO bearing over how intelligent you are? MANY people who have not been to University are just as intelligent as those who HAVE NOT done the whole college/Uni thing.

[mr_dave]

 

My attitude

Yes, i am a bit desperate lol. And super angry about how i've been treated and my poor luck with men after working my ass off to be a great girl (or as close to it as i can be).

 

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh here, but you've cheated on two loving ex-boyfriends? Why do you feel you deserve a good one now, wouldn't you cheat on them?

 

It grates a lot hearing you deem yourself to be an amazing catch, even though you've cheated and plan to dupe some poor guy into a relationship by not mentioning your track record.

 

A "great girl" isn't defined by whether she has a deposit for a house, or a good career, rather her character traits. Unfaithfulness and entitlement aren't characteristics befitting of one.

 

You shouldn't be super angry and bemoaning your luck at all really.

[Leigh 87]

The thing is, I am not bad looking.. I have straight teeth plus very full, nice lips. As well as clear skin and large, stand out eyes.

I have travelled the world as well as lived overseas and spend years of my live in other countries. I love to read about many different topics.

I am at college and also doing an advanced diploma at the same time.

 

I am 27 though and have not finished college yet; what a shame for guys to rule me out because " I am not college educated".

 

....if they were otherwise very drawn to me?

 

See, I would be a great girlfriend to them, I am likely just as intelligent as they are and I have ambitions to be a professional career wise very soon.

 

Yet hmmmmm, great chemistry, cute looks and a very generous and honourable character (on my part) is not enough BECAUSE I am not university educated?

 

*laughs*

 

Do you KNOW how hard it is to find a guy whom YOU are crazy about, who feels the same way about you AND who is a decent, honourable guy, tall, AND university educated?

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

 

 

 

You need to wake up to yourself; what are the odds you will find a guy who is ALL of those things?

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is going to be VERY hard to find really amazing men who are honourable, tall, university educated AND who are crazy about you.

[Leigh 87]

I'm sorry if I sound harsh here, but you've cheated on two loving ex-boyfriends? Why do you feel you deserve a good one now, wouldn't you cheat on them?

 

It grates a lot hearing you deem yourself to be an amazing catch, even though you've cheated and plan to dupe some poor guy into a relationship by not mentioning your track record.

 

A "great girl" isn't defined by whether she has a deposit for a house, or a good career, rather her character traits. Unfaithfulness and entitlement aren't characteristics befitting of one.

 

You shouldn't be super angry and bemoaning your luck at all really.

 

 

 

 

Well I have never cheated in my adult relationships, one lasting over 2 years where the guy wasn't that into me and OTHER men were very into me, throwing themselves at me. I didn't even think about cheating.

 

I am very honourable, loyal and lovely to my partners. I also have a good smile, am at college and have travelled and lived overseas for years and have lead an interesting life.

 

 

 

In short; I am fine looking, well travelled, educated, and I consider myself a very nice person.

 

I do not expect nor do I want a guy who is tall, handsome and college educated. Why would I?

 

I consider myself good enough for the men who are so desired too.

 

A guy who I have chemistry with does not have to fit the bill of "tall and good looking".

 

A guy who is a wonderful person and is of equal intelligence to myself doesn't have to have a University degree?!?!

 

I do not get he whole " I need a guy who is college educated, hot, tall AND ________ list of traits__________"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The "one" for you may not posses the long list of attributes you deem " necessary"

[pickflicker]

I meant in terms of bringing something to the relationship. The last girl I dated had no career and barely made any money at her job (so I had to pay for everything). She also couldn't cook (so I had to) and was very messy (so I had to clean up after her).

 

I'm okay with either the equal thing (where we both work and share the household duties) or the traditional thing (I make the money and she takes care of the kids and home), but I don't want to have to do everything.

 

Not an unreasonable expectation, imho.

 

That's better. Your original post was poorly phrased.

[ZipperZapper]

My body is an 8-10 and my face is also an 8-10. I am a professional, stable, make good money, I own my home, I have no issues of any kind, no kids home, I am fun, open minded, full of energy, and I have been single for 8 years. Every day I come across people asking how come a woman like me is single. I have NO freakin clue!! I go online 5 minutes and I can book 3 dates just like this but nothing ever comes out of it.

 

I have concluded I am too simple. Men suffer from what I call the Batman syndrome. They need to save their lady and I don't need saving. I am in total charge of my life. How boring is that.

 

 

Well, I don't have 'Batman syndrome', because I'm not interested in saving any woman. In my travels in the OLD world, I found a very high number of women using OLD want a rescuer - someone who can rescue them financially or in some other way. And this is why, among other things, I no longer have a profile on any OLD site.

 

My other problem is I'm not an attractive man, and looks seem to be everything. I know that unattractive people sometimes find partners, but this possibility isn't open to me. Women are simply not attracted to me, and if they bother with me at all, it's for friendship only.

 

I'm pretty convinced that there is no solution for my problems, I'm destined to remain alone forever. Sure I know that could change someday, just like buying a lottery ticket could change things too, but we all know what the odds are of winning...

[pickflicker]

The thing is, I am not bad looking.. I have straight teeth plus very full, nice lips. As well as clear skin and large, stand out eyes.

I have travelled the world as well as lived overseas and spend years of my live in other countries. I love to read about many different topics.

I am at college and also doing an advanced diploma at the same time.

 

I am 27 though and have not finished college yet; what a shame for guys to rule me out because " I am not college educated".

 

....if they were otherwise very drawn to me?

 

See, I would be a great girlfriend to them, I am likely just as intelligent as they are and I have ambitions to be a professional career wise very soon.

 

Yet hmmmmm, great chemistry, cute looks and a very generous and honourable character (on my part) is not enough BECAUSE I am not university educated?

 

*laughs*

 

Do you KNOW how hard it is to find a guy whom YOU are crazy about, who feels the same way about you AND who is a decent, honourable guy, tall, AND university educated?

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

 

 

 

You need to wake up to yourself; what are the odds you will find a guy who is ALL of those things?

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is going to be VERY hard to find really amazing men who are honourable, tall, university educated AND who are crazy about you.

 

I'm with you, Leigh, university education is not the be all and end all. I'm the only person in my family who went to uni, and I've just gone back for round 2. It doesn't make me smarter than the other people in my family. Just a different brand of "smarts".

[ZipperZapper]

Basically, unless you are a supermodel, have an amazing personality or are willing to lower your standards - you will be left on the shelf.

 

Guys dont need to accept our flaws, and give us the commitment we want, because of the economics of sex.

 

There are plenty of women willing to sleep with them. So mine and 8-face girl's prices (what we demand in exchange) are too high, evidently.

 

There are lots of guys who aren't looking for supermodels, but yes, it seems that if you don't meet or clear that very high bar society sets for eligibility to date, you will be left on the shelf, and believe me, getting left on the shelf happens to far more men than it does to women. I should know, I'm already on the shelf.

 

I've found myself getting dates by really lowering my standards, but because I'm pretty ugly myself, that usually ends up in me meeting women who are unsuitable for me because they're trainwrecks that would end up wrecking my life too. No woman who has her stuff together wants me because of my looks.

 

Women might do better if they stopped putting such a big price tag on sex and learning to enjoy it for its own sake. The risk of getting pregnant and so the need to demand that a guy put lots of cash on the table isn't that great anymore, not with the birth control technologies that are available. But sex is usually used as a tool to get the guy to open his wallet and give the woman another income stream.

[ThatMan]

I have a difficult time subscribing to the belief that dating success is luck.

 

It isn't that we're all unlucky when finding a date who meets our standard doesn't pan out. Bad things happen to different people all the time. True, but my dating failures happened to me because of who I am and what I searched for. I sought out a women who weren't right for me. There are plenty of people out there and I went out with women who didn't quite have their act together while dismiss others entirely. Maybe this was because my own expectations of a relationship and the role-models I grew up with. Maybe the inadequacies of my character drove away certain people. But there was no luck involved.

 

I've learned to forgive myself for seeking out the interactions that seem familiar. There are ways to gain ownership of my life and make my own improvements. Being able to see the above facts is the greatest positive and the greatest gift I've been given in this stage of my life. There's no luck involved at all.

 

You have autism. There are understanding people who are willing to accept you for who you are. Being autistic may lead to awkward moments that are offensive. But aspergers syndrome is no excuse for you're history of demeaning, hurting, or belittling other people. Nobody will put up with you and excuse this abrasive behavior unless they're sick themselves. Referring to a spouse as gay after sex, cheating on other men in different relationships, these do not make you that great of a catch. You have a wonderful opportunity to address your own role in this and lead a happier life. Do not squander this opportunity by pointing a finger to extenuating circumstance and luck.