might see him

[herself]

Next week is an annual tradition my husband and I have attended for years.

My XAP will likely be there.

After almost 50 days of strict NC we did speak via email.

It was/is awkward. He asks zero personal questions, not even how are you?

Speaks of weather and upcoming spring. Very nice, but impersonal.

 

We had agreed to be "friends from afar" so after the 2nd or 3rd email from him in various days with meaningless breadcrumbs I politely requested we go back to our "from afar" agreement which he seemed reluctant and asked "IF we dont speak beforehand, can we say hello the first day of spring" since we were doing a countdown.

I said ok. Blah.

 

So,, when/if I see him, I plan on latching to my hubbys hand tight and being simple & friendly & keep it moving not paying attention to what he is doing.

He will find a way to want to talk, I wouldnt know the 1st thing tp say.

I see him as the attempted murderer of my heart.

We could not have been any closer in our EA and deeply in love. And now.....this surface chat and nothing to say or explain or clarify, or no concern about my badic welkbeing?

 

In the past, when we have found ourselves apart, the face to face meetings were his way of reconnecting, not sure if seeing me would make him realuze he missed me or it was easier for him to get back on track because I would always be warm and smiling.

 

Either way I miss him very much and Im still broken and healing, and Im bracing myself to see him for the 1st time since we met for coffee in October.

Its gonna be emotional, and I wont show it.

[herself]

^^^Sorry for typos, typing on my phone

[RickFox]

So you're upset that he doesn't ask how you are but you intend to be just as cold and unfeeling when you see him. While I'm not familiar with your backstory I don't understand the games people want to play.

 

You can't be friends, near or afar, and your answer should have been stay away from me when he asked if he could talk to you.

[herself]

Were talking about a 13 yr friendship here, not some cheap fling that fizzled (and thats not to insult anyone).

I didnt plan to be cold, I planned on being polite but not engaging as Ive been HURT.

 

Not seeking any morale advice I will make and stand by my actions & choices.

Bottom line my point is, Im scared to see him, I dont understand what had become of us, and I would want to ask all of those "what happened and where do u stand" type questions but I cant. He has huge walls up & Im assuming were both moving on.

 

I can be friends if I like. My morale standard is my own to choose.

 

Sorry if I sound defensive but im wishing we can all just give advice or support with out the constant finger wagging. Not looking for pat on back, was looking for women in same boat who can understand how it feels.

[Waverly]

I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about having to deal with that situation. Do you have to go? Or can you come up with some excuse to skip it this year?

 

I had a few days this winter where I thought I was going to have to attend a conference near my xAP's hometown, and I was so torn up about it. So much of me wanted to see him and just talk everything through, but there was also the part of me that wanted to just run so far in the opposite direction. Luckily, I ended up not having to go, but I can't even imagine a scenario where it would have left me feeling better to have seen him.

 

I don't have a lot of advice, but I think you have a good attitude towards it. Just be strong, and try not to let it upset you. (Easier said than done, I know.)

[jellybean89]

Next week is an annual tradition my husband and I have attended for years.

My XAP will likely be there.

After almost 50 days of strict NC we did speak via email.

It was/is awkward. He asks zero personal questions, not even how are you?

Speaks of weather and upcoming spring. Very nice, but impersonal.

 

We had agreed to be "friends from afar" so after the 2nd or 3rd email from him in various days with meaningless breadcrumbs I politely requested we go back to our "from afar" agreement which he seemed reluctant and asked "IF we dont speak beforehand, can we say hello the first day of spring" since we were doing a countdown.

I said ok. Blah.

 

So,, when/if I see him, I plan on latching to my hubbys hand tight and being simple & friendly & keep it moving not paying attention to what he is doing.

He will find a way to want to talk, I wouldnt know the 1st thing tp say.

I see him as the attempted murderer of my heart.

We could not have been any closer in our EA and deeply in love. And now.....this surface chat and nothing to say or explain or clarify, or no concern about my badic welkbeing?

 

In the past, when we have found ourselves apart, the face to face meetings were his way of reconnecting, not sure if seeing me would make him realuze he missed me or it was easier for him to get back on track because I would always be warm and smiling.

 

Either way I miss him very much and Im still broken and healing, and Im bracing myself to see him for the 1st time since we met for coffee in October.

Its gonna be emotional, and I wont show it.

 

I agree with Rick Fox, but I don't get why you kinda jumped him and said something about finger wagging? He didn't do anything besides respond to your post with almost exactly what I was thinking...except I would go a step forward and wonder why you would "plan on latching to my hubbys hand tight" is this in an attempt to make the MM jealous? Does your H know of the affair? I don't get why you can't just ignore the MM. Are you wanting him to "realize he missed" you?

[herself]

I agree with Rick Fox, but I don't get why you kinda jumped him and said something about finger wagging? He didn't do anything besides respond to your post with almost exactly what I was thinking...except I would go a step forward and wonder why you would "plan on latching to my hubbys hand tight" is this in an attempt to make the MM jealous? Does your H know of the affair? I don't get why you can't just ignore the MM. Are you wanting him to "realize he missed" you?

 

My nerves are a little raw and my response reflected it.

The finger wagging was directed at "games people wanna play" when its anything but.

My H doesnt know, will never know.

He knows we are close friends, knows the friendship fell apart.

 

I said IN THE PAST I wasnt certain how those face to face meetings made him want to reconcile our friendship and surmised it was maybe because seeing me made him realize he missed me.

To

I intend to grab tight to my hubbys hand because this time its different, this time the door is closed to reconciling beyond future friendship. SO it will be sad, emotional, I will be nervous and my husband will be my strength.

 

Xeap knows my H, we have all been together many times, were always clear we loved our spouse's, and we never had a PA SO holding my husbands hand is not something to cause jealousy.

 

The whole point of my post was just to express the building nerves to face him after 6 months.

He wouldn't approach imo to resume A, but rather to relieve his guilt at ending it horribly & acting insensitive and not being brave enough to have closure (no dday).

 

I just wanted to vent my fear & my "plan" that day.

 

Waverly thank you, Im going, its a tradition and I want to. He missed last year, he may not atrwnd this year, doesn't matter ya know? I altered my life enough, deleted an email account, blocked everything, quit coffee, quit music or certain types, changed work schedule & all associatedroutines that ewere trigger. This is something special to me & my H and friends.

 

I want it to be a mature simple exchange that signifies its a new day & time for us but there's no hatred or baf feelings, and wanna make sure my actions show its not ok to speak to me as if nothing ever happened & you never stepped on and crushed my heart.

 

Just civil.

[RickFox]

Read your post from December 2013 , read your post above. You said he was a murderer of your heart, so NO, YOU CANNOT, be friends.....it went past friendship and he distanced himself. You can say I'm finger wagging or what have you but I.can read between the lines in your post....male or female, many of us have been there and finally can see the forest through the trees.

[almond]

He wouldn't approach imo to resume A, but rather to relieve his guilt at ending it horribly & acting insensitive and not being brave enough to have closure (no dday).

 

I don't understand why you're holding the lack of dday against him...you stated that you will never tell your husband either?

[clairbear]

Just wanted to wish you very good luck and pray that you stay strong. Play the role and act like you are fine, they won't know what you are feeling underneath...

Stay strong and big hugs

[road]

An EA is still an affair. The affair must be left in the past. This is why you must have NC with the OM. Which your not doing.

 

 

Tradition smadition. To hell with your tradition. You now will have a new tradition and go NC with the OM. You will now do something different this spring.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Believe me when I tell you I understand completely how you are feeling. Rick is very clear with his stance and if you read his backstory you understand. There are xap's that play havoc with their xap's hearts and it stinks - especially if you have had a closer friendship prior to the affair. It's cruel to be so cold and many of us have suffered this push pull.

 

I am a little disturbed that your husband doesn't know of your affair (although he may very well suspect but just doesn't want to face it). I think he should know, but that is my opinion.

 

As far as the event, I don't have an opinion on whether you should go or not. Every situation is different. In my case my xmom and I grew up in the same town, went to the same high school (actually so did our spouses), his parents and his BS's mom live here still, my inlaws, etc. For the last going on five years the xmom and his wife have pretty much avoided town or come back under the cover of night. But now I am getting wind his little band is looking at places to play around the little lake we live on. This surprises me (that his wife is okay with this) and makes me angry at the same time. I live here, these are places my husband and I frequent, but here he is starting to insert himself back into the area again. I have finally come to the point that there is nothing I can do about it. We are all adults and we will deal with it. Running into each other is highly likely. When it happens, I will do what you are going to do. I will put my arm in my husbands, sweetly smile, say hi and move on.

 

You cannot give up your life and the things you do (or have done) and enjoy. I tried that for awhile (gave up music because that was a connection we had) - but it was too much a part of me. I wasn't going to allow that to be stripped from me as well.

 

I believe no contact is important (especially in the early years) but as time goes by, especially in the circumstances we are in - being all interconnected with our shared history - I am getting to the point ( and so is my husband) that we know it's inevitable and we will just deal with is as adults when it comes. And it most likely will.

 

Good luck.

[herself]

I have read your story Rick, alk of it.

Thanks for your thoughts and all the best to you.

[herself]

Believe me when I tell you I understand completely how you are feeling. Rick is very clear with his stance and if you read his backstory you understand. There are xap's that play havoc with their xap's hearts and it stinks - especially if you have had a closer friendship prior to the affair. It's cruel to be so cold and many of us have suffered this push pull.

 

I am a little disturbed that your husband doesn't know of your affair (although he may very well suspect but just doesn't want to face it). I think he should know, but that is my opinion.

 

As far as the event, I don't have an opinion on whether you should go or not. Every situation is different. In my case my xmom and I grew up in the same town, went to the same high school (actually so did our spouses), his parents and his BS's mom live here still, my inlaws, etc. For the last going on five years the xmom and his wife have pretty much avoided town or come back under the cover of night. But now I am getting wind his little band is looking at places to play around the little lake we live on. This surprises me (that his wife is okay with this) and makes me angry at the same time. I live here, these are places my husband and I frequent, but here he is starting to insert himself back into the area again. I have finally come to the point that there is nothing I can do about it. We are all adults and we will deal with it. Running into each other is highly likely. When it happens, I will do what you are going to do. I will put my arm in my husbands, sweetly smile, say hi and move on.

 

You cannot give up your life and the things you do (or have done) and enjoy. I tried that for awhile (gave up music because that was a connection we had) - but it was too much a part of me. I wasn't going to allow that to be stripped from me as well.

 

I believe no contact is important (especially in the early years) but as time goes by, especially in the circumstances we are in - being all interconnected with our shared history - I am getting to the point ( and so is my husband) that we know it's inevitable and we will just deal with is as adults when it comes. And it most likely will.

 

Good luck.

 

I wonder if your Xap feels enough healing has taken place & enough space that even if there was a run in it would be past the emotional point now?

 

Either way thanks for the opinions, Ive chosen not to share with my h and I dont feel conflict about that, its a personal choice, and its right for me.

Beyond this, the event I will attend, the entire city attends.

Its not a tradition for me and xap, he just had gone before too.

He wasnt there last year, was just gathering my thoughts if he was.

 

I feellike I overshared here. I don't think its a good site for me here.

Its very therapeutic to read & see others find comfort and strength but I am sensitive & uber private and it hurts me sometimes regarding my own situation.

 

Wish the best to each of you on your journey.

Thank you.

[Waverly]

I wonder if your Xap feels enough healing has taken place & enough space that even if there was a run in it would be past the emotional point now?

 

Either way thanks for the opinions, Ive chosen not to share with my h and I dont feel conflict about that, its a personal choice, and its right for me.

Beyond this, the event I will attend, the entire city attends.

Its not a tradition for me and xap, he just had gone before too.

He wasnt there last year, was just gathering my thoughts if he was.

 

I feellike I overshared here. I don't think its a good site for me here.

Its very therapeutic to read & see others find comfort and strength but I am sensitive & uber private and it hurts me sometimes regarding my own situation.

 

Wish the best to each of you on your journey.

Thank you.

 

Herself, I wish you all the best. Our stories had a lot of similarities, and I found some strength in watching you take the same steps I'm struggling with. No matter what happens at the event, I hope you continue to move forward and can eventually find some peace with your friendship -from near or afar - with your xAP.

[herself]

Waverly I am rooting for you and hoping you will be in a peaceful place with answers & solutions soon. All my best to you as well, and thank you.

[eye of the storm]

I'm new on the board but, don't beat yourself up. Go, enjoy the day. Don't cling to your husband. You got involved with someone, it didn't work out. He didn't murder your heart. You, however, have completely ran your life off the rails because of this. How do you quit music, coffee, and change your work schedule because of him? You are choosing to give this guy way more power than he deserves.

 

Go, enjoy the day. Stop obsessing over his emails and what he does and does not say.

 

Just because a relationship doesn't work out does not mean that someone is a bad person. Just they were not right for you. Different people handle break-ups differently. Some handle them better than others. Sounds like you don't like how he handled yours. But the end result is, you are no longer in that kind of relationship with him.

 

Stop focusing on him, stop giving him the power to make you dread something you enjoy. He needs to stop being your focus and if you are trying to reconnect with your H, give him the focus. Let the xAP be peripheral, put him where he belongs... to the side.

 

Take care.

[road]

This another case that shows that a recovering couple is better off moving far away after an affair. NC is that important.

[jwi71]

Were talking about a 13 yr friendship here, not some cheap fling that fizzled (and thats not to insult anyone).

I didnt plan to be cold, I planned on being polite but not engaging as Ive been HURT.

 

Game playing - pure and simple.

I'm hurt but I'm going to go, cling to my H (in front of xMOM) so HE sees just how OK I really am. I won't be cold...just not engaging - because Im NOT playing games. I'll be polite...civil...but oddly distant, certainly obtuse towards the xMOM...but all clingy to the H...

 

Not seeking any morale advice I will make and stand by my actions & choices.

Bottom line my point is, Im scared to see him, I dont understand what had become of us, and I would want to ask all of those "what happened and where do u stand" type questions but I cant. He has huge walls up & Im assuming were both moving on.

 

You can't have a rational mature conversazione about this? Best friends and AP...and you can't discuss your FEELINGS? Sorry, doesn't sound like either when you HIDE like that...(kinda sounds like a game).

 

I mean, if you are SO worried...don't go. But you will...because the xMOM won't beat you...nuh-uh...this is no game...not. at. all.

I can be friends if I like. My morale standard is my own to choose.

 

Would that be the civil and polite yet distant kind?

What kind of friend is that?

 

Sorry if I sound defensive but im wishing we can all just give advice or support with out the constant finger wagging. Not looking for pat on back, was looking for women in same boat who can understand how it feels.

 

Not how life works. Different people, different personalities and thoughts...sorry, but life, and certainly NOT the internet, will contort to meet your expectations.

 

Have a look at the variety of posters in this thread....do you see a consensus view forming? It might indicate something you cannot see...

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This another case that shows that a recovering couple is better off moving far away after an affair. NC is that important.

 

For some, this is not possible - especially with aging parents and responsibility. Sorry but it is never one size fits all.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I wonder if your Xap feels enough healing has taken place & enough space that even if there was a run in it would be past the emotional point now?

 

Either way thanks for the opinions, Ive chosen not to share with my h and I dont feel conflict about that, its a personal choice, and its right for me.

Beyond this, the event I will attend, the entire city attends.

Its not a tradition for me and xap, he just had gone before too.

He wasnt there last year, was just gathering my thoughts if he was.

 

I feellike I overshared here. I don't think its a good site for me here.

Its very therapeutic to read & see others find comfort and strength but I am sensitive & uber private and it hurts me sometimes regarding my own situation.

 

Wish the best to each of you on your journey.

Thank you.

 

I really have no idea how he feels, but this I do know. If he and his wife were so concerned about him running into me or even my husband or possibly my kids he wouldn't be trying to get gigs out here in places he knows I could show up. So I would say he's over it and moved on and I suppose she is secure enough that she is okay with it - I don't know.

Edited March 9, 2014 by lilmisscantbewrong