Made mistake still in love and want to make it work

[in love and lonely]

Married for 15 years, 2 children, past 8mos been different she doesnt wear ring, no intimacy, got tattoo, asked if there was some one said no. I made mistake w OW one time incident felt terrible and told her after I found out the OW was spreading rumors. In counseling and wanting to make it work, she wont go and know wants a seperation. Been living out of the house for over a month. And I think there is another man but not sure. Please help![font=arial][/font]

[debilou]

Try "marriagebuilders.com". Great web site.

 

Did you get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you"??

 

I've been separated for 3 1/2 months. I'm dying inside. I don't know if there is OW either, but something is REALLY wrong. He is angry for whatever reason. Guilt? Who knows?

 

I think my H is either mentally ill, on drugs, or OW.

 

Good luck, you'll find support here.

 

Debilou

[in love and lonely]

Thanks for replying, I know what you are going thru, I made a stupid mistake and just want a chance. She has thrown 15years of marriage out as if it were 15 days. I am now a little angry and all she says is she needs space, space for what. I could understand getting back at me but I think she is in a full fledge romance and not sure about our marriage because of it.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by in love and lonely

I made a stupid mistake and just want a chance.

I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive, it's truly not meant to be, but..... She's at NO obligation to give you another chance. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to.

 

The absolute worst thing you can do when you've hurt someone else, is to make the situation about you. You want her to understand. You want her to give you another chance. You want her to forgive you. This becomes an AGENDA, and she'll be able to see that it's still all about YOUR WANTS, and YOUR NEEDS.

 

She has thrown 15years of marriage out as if it were 15 days.

Who changed the parameters of the relationship by cheating...you...or her?

 

I am now a little angry

Again, I remind you I'm not trying to be hurtful, but... Why should she care if YOU are angry?

 

In showing her your anger, you are minimizing her pain and her loss. She lost someone she loved and trusted. You turned out to be a stranger whose actions are beyond comprehension. The man she loved and trusted is GONE.

 

...and all she says is she needs space, space for what.

It doesn't matter why whe wants it, she asked you for something, and you're NOT giving it to her. Again, it seems to be all about YOU.

 

Grief is a process. People deal with it in different ways. What works for one, won't work for another. It's a matter of healing.

 

I could understand getting back at me

You can't assume that her attitude is punative. It's probably not hurting her feelings much that you feel picked on, but...if you spend a little time reading some other posts here, you'll see that a betrayed spouse has quite a bit of their own emotional issues to work out. Again, not all about you.

 

...but I think she is in a full fledge romance and not sure about our marriage because of it.

 

The parameters of the relationship were re-set when you cheated. Monogamy was the rule, but by your own action it no longer applies. What is sauce for the gander becomes sauce for the goose. You can't mend these broken boundaries, you have to begin anew. Your old contract is broken. Your only hope is that someday she'll agree to establish a new one with you.

 

I know that all must have sounded harsh, but if you are to have any hope at all of getting another chance with your wife, you need to take complete OWNERSHIP of your mistake.

 

And you'll have to focus your energy on the person that you hurt. It becomes about her, and proving to her everyday that you can put her first. If you can't do that, then you're just spinning your wheels.

 

Good Luck.

[whichwayisup]

IF you love her and want her back...FIGHT for her. DO whatever she wants to make it work. Beg for another chance...But allow her to experience her pain, her loss of trust in you, faith and broken wedding vows. It takes time and she obviously is not ready to work on you or the marriage.

 

Tell her you won't give up. Stay on that path.

 

Good luck.

 

PS why do you think she is seeing somebody else??

[in love and lonely]

I want to thank you for being so honest. I am willing to wait for her as long as it takes and if it doesn't work I will still hold her close to my heart. I know that I have to stop worrying about my own a-- and give her the time and space to work through this on her own and on her own terms, just very hard to do but I will continue to try. Again thank you for a smack in the face, it refocusses a person that they are not the only one that has lost something.

[Ladyjane14]

It really is difficult to want that forgiveness, and to want to repair the damage more than anything else.....and then to feel very thwarted in those goals.

 

I've been talking to someone who is very much in your wife's position, and I'm telling you what she's telling me. So, I hope it'll be of use to you.

 

She really does see the AGENDA in her husband's attempts to reconcile. And it is a roadblock that he cannot overcome, because it has increased the damage over time. His own emotions have gotten in the way of his success.

 

I hope you'll have better luck than he has had.

[in love and lonely]

Unfortunately, that is the same for myself. I was not thinking of my wife's hurt, feelings, and her own directions and just worried about my selfish needs. I have have pushed her to the point of getting a seperation, by not giving space, and wanting an answer as to are we going to reconcile or its over. I am unfortunately in the position now that total lack of communication is where we are. Only the times when we need to talk about our children or legal issues is when we speak and thats it. I think I am on my last thread of a chance and even that is not 100%. To get by I have basically written of our marriage and put up a front as I'm doing fine. But that is so far from the truth.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by in love and lonely

To get by I have basically written of our marriage and put up a front as I'm doing fine. But that is so far from the truth.

 

What progress can you expect if you don't tell her the truth? It's okay to admit that you're at a loss as to how to proceed, it's okay to admit mistakes in how you've handled things so far, but you won't get far if she doesn't know that you love her.

 

Sometimes when we're feeling really angry and resentful, our softer emotions are blocked up. How can you feel your love for someone when you're in a rage? I suppose that's why the betrayed spouse in most situations needs to take that time. They aren't really in tune with their true emotions yet. They honestly don't know what they're feeling.

 

It could take quite a while for her to feel truly loved by you. It could take even longer for her to assess her own emotions, and find out if she still has any love left for you.

 

How long ago was the incident with the OW, btw?

 

You know, even under the best of circumstances when both spouses are working together to repair the relationship, it often takes 2 years for reconciliation.

 

My best suggestions for you are to:

 

* Share your feelings with her. Don't push though.

 

* Focus on her needs, and try to fulfill them as best you can.

 

* Make interactions with you as enjoyable and as pleasant as possible. Be attractive, charming, and honest.

 

* Work slowly, trying to put a drop in the bucket whenever you can.

 

* Never argue, always back off if it comes to that. With luck, there is time to work on minor disagreements later. Rome wasn't built in a day, afterall.

 

If you can get her to agree to a few dates, you'll have more opportunities to impress her with those positive interactions.

 

[in love and lonely]

She found out in November, it happened in October, and I moved out the week before xmas. I am trying everything you said and am looking for those drops to fill the bucket. And trust me she knows that i truly love her and will be there for her when and if she is ready. The biggest problem is I have to be patient, and I am slowly learning that. Even thru all this pain I have created though we still respect one another and have had few arguements. When she is angry I either ignore it or try to change the subject, I do not want to be confrontational with her at all. A coworker of my wife has told me that she is seeing a man but she even said that it won't last, and states my wife is reacting and not thinking clearly, which i totally understand at this time. I am focusing on myself and my children and just trying to be nice and cordial to my wife at this time, and hope she can someday find the love for me she had.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by in love and lonely

...my wife is reacting and not thinking clearly

 

What advice would you give to a friend who was reacting this way? The two of you were probably friends once. Will she tolerate friendship from you now? It would allow you back into her inner circle if so. But it would need to be absolutely genuine. You don't want to get busted misrepresenting your intentions.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by in love and lonely

When she is angry I either ignore it or try to change the subject, I do not want to be confrontational with her at all.

 

Wrong answer there. You shouldn't be confrontational, that is good. BUT, does she not have a right to be angry with you? You shouldn't be rolling your eyes and sighing, you shouldn't be trying to change the subject. She needs and deserves to get out what she needs to say. If you want her anger to subside she needs to vent that anger and you need to sit there quietly and take it. And you should feel the shame and guilt for what you have wrought.

[in love and lonely]

I give her my complete attention when she is venting, what I should have said was that I don't take any of the personal attacks to heart , I know she is angry and she has all rights to be and trust me I don't thing anyone can beat me up as bad as I have myself for what I have done to the person that means the most to me.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by in love and lonely

And trust me she knows that i truly love her and will be there for her when and if she is ready.

 

You know, I wonder if we asked your wife if she "knows that you truly love her" what she would say. (????)

 

I think that could be an assumption on your part. If you put yourself in her position for a minute, would there be anything that she could say to you that would convince you of her love?...or the quality of her love even?

 

One of the most difficult things that a BS (betrayed spouse) must deal with is the belief that their partner STOPPED LOVING them. I'm not sure if that is necessarily an actuality in all cases, but how can you argue it? It's how they feel.

 

And it's almost indefensible from your standpoint, because what do you tell her...that you were thinking about her the whole time you were having sex with someone else? That you weren't thinking of her at all? That you couldn't remember that you were married at that particular moment? Any excuse that you can possibly use minimizes her importance in your life.

 

So, if you stopped loving her long enough to have sexual relations with someone else, how does she know you won't stop loving her again? It's not as if she can take your word for it. You already broke your word once. What's to stop you from doing that again too?

 

This is one of those situations in life where you have to use your imagination and take a walk in the other person's shoes. When the communications have broken down, like they have in your case, you're just flying by the seat of your pants and trying your best to do the right things. It's a bit daunting.

 

But it's NOT insurmountable.

 

Now, you have to rely on ACTIONS. It's your actions that prove the veracity of your words. Are you going to be where you said you would be? Are you going to do what you said you would do?

 

And will your words and actions ALWAYS be consistent? You flaked out and did something that was inconsistent with your character. Now you must be CONSTANT in order to prove that to be an aberration. Serene and determined on your course to win her back.

[in love and lonely]

My wife has stated exactly what you have said, how could you love me and do that? I then told her that I made a wrong assumption that she was having one , which is not right but when you feel hurt and rejected you don't think correctly. There were so many signs that pointed that she was and I confronted her and she said she wasn't but the problems did not go away. It progressed so bad that there was no affectionate kissing during love making and the lovemaking turned into just sex and lets get it over with. I know that we can't have fireworks every time but once in a while would be nice. Also, out of the clear blue she started to stop wearing wedding ring, stating she just forgot it, but almost every day? I know I made the big mistake but I think my wife was not helping. And this action I did is so far from my character that to this day I look in the mirror and just wonder, but I do tell her that I could never do this again to her which I believe if you error is human , but to do it again is foolish. Even her mom asked her if she was the one having an affair prior to my mistake. I am now just hoping she can look back and see that yes h made the mistake, and what was I doing at that time for the marriage. And I do reinforce with her as much as possible that I love her and she means so very much to me, and she even admits that she knows this. She states that she does not want to lead me on though? I am now just trying to fill the bucket a drop at a time.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by in love and lonely

.....when you feel hurt and rejected you don't think correctly.

 

It progressed so bad that there was no affectionate kissing during love making and the lovemaking turned into just sex and lets get it over with.

 

This happens in so many marriages. The break-down of sexual intimacy isn't the cause of the problems though. It's a symptom of unaddressed problems in the relationship.

 

I wish we could all know that before we act out rashly, but unfortunately most of us don't find that out until after we've done something stupid.

 

I wonder if it would help her to understand this if she read some books on the subject? Would she be willing to do that? There's alot of information on the market, and there's a commonality to it that may help her de-personalize the situation. That is, if she's interested enough to give it a go.

 

Maybe you could buy one and present it to her with a nice card describing your feelings? (Don't forget to make sure you have read the same book.)

 

She states that she does not want to lead me on though? I am now just trying to fill the bucket a drop at a time.

 

Consider "de-personalizing" that for yourself. She probably still doesn't have any clue what she wants to do. So try not to take it to heart.

 

You can't rush things along. It's one drop at a time.

[in love and lonely]

At this time I don't think she would, and I have many books that I have read about forgiveness and after the affair. The only other issue is that I feel my wife is going thru her change of life, wanting to do things you'de do in your twenties now. I just hope that between the incident that happened with us and also her feelings of trying to recapture youth again she, doesn't forget that we did have a solid marriage up to just last summer. Thanks

[in love and lonely]

Had a talk with my wife and first thing I told her was missed her very much want to get back. I know shouldnt have said this but really do. Her reply dont know what to say, then started in with the gaining trust and thats when I said trust is a two way street and I dont trust her either at this time. I then questioned her about phone bill in August to a man she is seeing now. Stated she didnt call but phone bills dont lie, and then I went thru all the other changes she went thru over summer with the final one being that she wore my ring for over 14 yrs and this summer just stopped, i then told her she is just lying and that is not person i know because she was so honest up to this year. She had no replies and I left. Not sure were this is going all she knows is she wants a seperation but not a divorce. She seems to just want me to hang in limbo, I am beginning to feel angry about whole situation but I do still have alot of feelings for her.

[AmHopeful]

Hey - you must be in the same awful cruise I'm on!

 

Without getting into all the details I'm in the exact postion you are in, I don't know if I can trust my H either, but I want him back. I miss him so much- I cry myself to sleep at night and drag my body through the rest of the waking hours. We don't have any kids so I overwater my plants and call the crisis line daily. It's pretty awful. Here's hoping for the best, or at least something better -

[KANSAN]

I know it's hard man believe me I know but what are you going to do just wait until she is through f***ing this guy or what.

Have you ever heard the saying "If you Love Someone Let Them Go If They Come Back It Was meant to be if not then their love was never yours to begin with.

She is playing games with your emotions don't let her have her cake and eat it too.

If you file for divorce the ball will then be in her court

When I got my divorce I was out of it mentally, I let her control everything and man am I paying now.

I guess what I'm saying is protect yourself man, hopefully she comes back but if she does'nt be prepared for the worst.

I hate seeing good decent people getting played.

I hope this helps.

 

PEACE

[spoony]

I know that all must have sounded harsh, but if you are to have any hope at all of getting another chance with your wife, you need to take complete OWNERSHIP of your mistake.

 

And you'll have to focus your energy on the person that you hurt. It becomes about her, and proving to her everyday that you can put her first. If you can't do that, then you're just spinning your wheels.

 

 

I know this is an old post, but I have to say that is the best advice I've heard. I am trying hard to amend my mistakes in my marraige, and I am trying as well to prove myself, and once you understand that it's not about "you" but about the marraige, then you have a focus. One of the things I am struggling with is understanding that just because things don't go the way "I" want them, it doesn't mean to give up or be aggravated about it.

[cowboy way]

I would cut off all contact at this point. Don't kid yourself she has had and still is with someone else harsh reality yes. You need to take care of yourself you told her you made a mistake and are taking the all the right steps. The fact that you were willing to cheat was wrong but on the other hand I don't think she was being totally honest with you. Don't beat yourself up let her go and if it's meant to be she will come back. Until then I would suggest you date you don't have to be serious, but you need to move on in the case things don't work out..