So... ...

[nowaygoingthereagain]

No I have not told my W about the PA component with the fAP. Hard to believe that all happen over a year now. Very hard to still let go, but better. I don't really talk about what happen with anyone anymore, except my W. We sometimes talk about the events of the past year and truly she is helping me with my healing.

 

I'll also add I have seen my fAP around and I have been pleasant, just saying Hi and leaving it at that. No special looks or anything.

 

She has also seem to found attention from multiple guys, but there is one who seems to be a dead ringer for what she is looking for. He is new to the field, but has taken a strong interest and what we do. He also has some of the charactersitics, I know she attracted to. He is also a single guys, and I swear through all of this, she is still looking for an exit strategy from her marriage. At first, I kind of blew him off, but he hooked up with me on FB (which I don't frequent as much as before) and since than I have been nice to him even exchanging conversation. I don't want to make any judgements and I want peace.

 

I kind of had a gut feel something was going on there since her and I were dying down late last year and early this year. People told me she was probably looking for her next conquest and no doubt she was. He was showing up at events she was at and even coordinating.

 

...But it's a drug and I am not fully over it, and our paths unfortunately will cross as there are a couple of work-related things that will cause our paths to intersect this summer. I can't wait till they are over.

 

Also, we are part of a pretty small-knit work area and even though we don't see each other all the time. Group notes get sent out and I get glimpses of whats going on with her. I feel like those who have an inclination of what went on between us are taunting me.

 

Believe me, I have gotten better, even though the thoughts are in my head, I have found more peace, and in many aspects, I have moved on. I knew this was going to happen where she would find attention elsewhere and especially from someone in particular. I know I have violated some pretty important tenets of really breaking away from this:

 

1. Like I haven't totally broken off all exposure with her (believe me I wish I could), but I accepted this work function and I'm stubborn.

 

2. I have not told my W everything and I still struggle with this.

 

But I need your help...

 

Please kick me in the butt, tell me something, it doesn't have to by sympathy but put it on me or my fAP to get over this mental obstacle.

 

Funny, I saw her last week at a work event. Her and her new guy were there (not together) but she spent the whole first 30 min next to me trying to see what I would I say. I blew her off, but she knows I am the jealous type and today I saw a pic of her and her new source of attention doing the things we used to do at work and it is eating away at me.

 

Please HELP!

[Gunthar]

MM/OM here...

 

They are a part of us, and nothing will ever change that. The connection is there and undeniable, except by contrived tactics and/or moralizing about it all.

 

You give up on the unbelievable (but entirely possible) story, then it won't happen.

 

Good luck.

 

(Yes, sorry, not what you are looking for, but that's my personal take - my story is littered about here, in bits and pieces)

Edited May 4, 2014 by Gunthar

[RickFox]

No I have not told my W about the PA component with the fAP. Hard to believe that all happen over a year now. Very hard to still let go, but better. I don't really talk about what happen with anyone anymore, except my W. We sometimes talk about the events of the past year and truly she is helping me with my healing.

 

I'll also add I have seen my fAP around and I have been pleasant, just saying Hi and leaving it at that. No special looks or anything.

 

She has also seem to found attention from multiple guys, but there is one who seems to be a dead ringer for what she is looking for. He is new to the field, but has taken a strong interest and what we do. He also has some of the charactersitics, I know she attracted to. He is also a single guys, and I swear through all of this, she is still looking for an exit strategy from her marriage. At first, I kind of blew him off, but he hooked up with me on FB (which I don't frequent as much as before) and since than I have been nice to him even exchanging conversation. I don't want to make any judgements and I want peace.

 

I kind of had a gut feel something was going on there since her and I were dying down late last year and early this year. People told me she was probably looking for her next conquest and no doubt she was. He was showing up at events she was at and even coordinating.

 

...But it's a drug and I am not fully over it, and our paths unfortunately will cross as there are a couple of work-related things that will cause our paths to intersect this summer. I can't wait till they are over.

 

Also, we are part of a pretty small-knit work area and even though we don't see each other all the time. Group notes get sent out and I get glimpses of whats going on with her. I feel like those who have an inclination of what went on between us are taunting me.

 

Believe me, I have gotten better, even though the thoughts are in my head, I have found more peace, and in many aspects, I have moved on. I knew this was going to happen where she would find attention elsewhere and especially from someone in particular. I know I have violated some pretty important tenets of really breaking away from this:

 

1. Like I haven't totally broken off all exposure with her (believe me I wish I could), but I accepted this work function and I'm stubborn.

 

2. I have not told my W everything and I still struggle with this.

 

But I need your help...

 

Please kick me in the butt, tell me something, it doesn't have to by sympathy but put it on me or my fAP to get over this mental obstacle.

 

Funny, I saw her last week at a work event. Her and her new guy were there (not together) but she spent the whole first 30 min next to me trying to see what I would I say. I blew her off, but she knows I am the jealous type and today I saw a pic of her and her new source of attention doing the things we used to do at work and it is eating away at me.

 

Please HELP!

 

 

For God's sakes, stop worrying about what she does or who she does it with. She's not yours to worry about and never was. You want closure but you're so concerned with everything she is doing. So either man up and go declare to her your undying love and see what she does or treat her as a stranger and live your damn life. And quit saying hi to her, you don't owe her that and you're just doing it to keep the line of hope open. You're not even close to being over her, so step up to the plate and make a choice.

Edited May 4, 2014 by RickFox

[2sunny]

QS...why do say I am blaming her? For what? The A - it take 2 to tango.

 

Cause I said she taunted me? I did NC for days at a time, only to receive a new txt than I wanted attention, gave her attention, than was presented by all these good things she was doing with her H. Why did she reach out to me in the first place?

 

Because I still think about her. No I recognize that's my fault.

 

I am guessing what you are getting at but its a new aspect not brought up to me, so please clarify otherwise it'll just be another question I'll end up rationalizing for a while.

 

Maybe I am looking for some reassurance, I don't know, that I was not the emotional one here. If I loved her, and she had nothing for me, why didn't she just cut it long ago. Why after 3 days of NC, she checked up on me?

 

 

You post just like that other guy last year!

 

ALWAYS answering every post by only asking questions!

 

You are him!

 

All he wanted was for us to figure out how he could stay married AND keep his affair going by separating both.

 

YOU CAN'T - unless you are void of what is right and wrong.

[Popsicle]

Serious question: Do you think if she had fallen in love with you, you wouldn't be struggling to not think about her?

Edited May 4, 2014 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

So at first the conquest for you with your MOW was to get her to fall in love with you, not sex?

 

Also if you feel your wife is attractive and a challenge, why is she not enough?

[Loretta25]

I am the WS. A H of 15+ years and a father of 2 young teens.

 

My story is no different than many of yours and like you, I need help. I found a younger MW late 18 months ago. She and her H of 6 years have no children. I came to find out I was not her first EA or PA. She was not my first PA, over the years I have slipped but with zero emotion or investment in those relationships. we both come from backgrounds where this is cyclical in our families. Me with my male figures in my family outside of my immediate father. Her with her mother.

 

We found a common lifestyle. I knew from the start the attraction and we started to put each other on a pedestal, gave each other attention, and made plans to figure out ways to spend time together. Our time together grew significantly and others saw this. Our spouses saw it, but we continued. It was betrayal. Initially it was not emotional for me. I was looking for a conquest or a power trip. My W is both a physically attractive and very stable individual though I was bored and I feel she can be a challenge. It was emotional for my fAP, and she shared that she never fell in love with anyone before...of course with me. Oh, it made me feel good. We were both scared and I think we tried to slow it down, but eventually for a just a few weeks within a span of a year, it turned to a PA.

 

During that process, she was in MC with her H and I was in IC trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my AP and if I wanted to be married. Eventually, her H confronted her. She denied everything. And somehow we continued to spend time together with only and EA but no PA. We both quit conseling. The A was dying for sure as more conflict started to occur and I quit trying to spend more time with her, also I felt NC was needed but I went back and forth, so I ignored messages, but I would always come back. Each time I was encouraged I was going to get the attention I once got, but eventually all I got was guilty feelings and I felt like I was being taunted by her because she was trying to put her H and her M in a more and more positive light. Not too long ago, I confronted her and told she was liar and that she used me to fill the emotional void in her life and enhance her M. The last time I communicated with her was 2 months ago. I feel she has tried to indirectly contact me since then, but she has not contacted me either. Thus it has been NC.

 

In this process, I have not totally neglected my W, but obviously I am the dickhead and ass. My W and I used to talk about her and I admitted to an EA. My W knows I no longer see my fAP and so we never bring her up anymore.

 

The sad part is I believe my feelings were genuine. I did fall for it or her. I believe in retrospect, she did not for me. I believe she was gone long time ago. I am not looking for pity.

 

However, I have had a couple of serious relationships prior to my M, no I never cheated. One I broke up, the other I did not, but there was closure. In this case there are so many questions I have but there is no closure. Yes I have read the Dr. Glass book, and yes I believe in my M.

 

What I need help with is no mental NC? What have you done? Is this normal? Does time kill it? Why did she taunt me? Why did I hit so hard? Believe it or not, I am better, busier, and much more goal oriented than before, but inside I think about her every day, many times a day...

 

I wonder if she thinks about me, but I try not too...

 

I cannot obviously go to her anymore for closure. Whether it was me who acted like I was pulling away or not, I fear what I find there whether it is the hurt from her, or maybe worse the hurt from losing my W.

 

Somebody knock some sense into me so I can move one.

 

Thank you

 

 

 

You like the idea of her…. Just yesterday, I could not get the OM out off my head and I was constantly thinking about him but then today….. I no longer feel the same….. Or at least that’s how I feel right now----- I think sometimes, when something is lacking in the relationship, our basic instinct was to immediately search for something to fill the gap- It could be putting more hours to work, a night out with friends, or start a secret affair- Because it IS the easiest route. We like shortcut don’t we? Anyway, once you’re over the “IDEA OF what IF”, a recovery will follow suit. I know am giving you an advice, but just yesterday I was in a fog myself. (And Yeah, I could take my own advice)

Edited May 4, 2014 by Loretta25

[nowaygoingthereagain]

Serious question: Do you think if she had fallen in love with you, you wouldn't be struggling to not think about her?

 

 

I'm not following you popsicle? Can you explain?

[nowaygoingthereagain]

You post just like that other guy last year!

 

ALWAYS answering every post by only asking questions!

 

You are him!

 

All he wanted was for us to figure out how he could stay married AND keep his affair going by separating both.

 

YOU CAN'T - unless you are void of what is right and wrong.

 

I just started jumping on this forum in 2014 so I am not sure who you are talking about, but read my threads and tell me if I am that guy - ok. No I don't want to eat cake and have it too. I agree with what RickFox says.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

For God's sakes, stop worrying about what she does or who she does it with. She's not yours to worry about and never was. You want closure but you're so concerned with everything she is doing. So either man up and go declare to her your undying love and see what she does or treat her as a stranger and live your damn life. And quit saying hi to her, you don't owe her that and you're just doing it to keep the line of hope open. You're not even close to being over her, so step up to the plate and make a choice.

 

 

You couldn't have said it any better. Thank you. Don't hesitate to unleash...Thanks!

[RickFox]

You couldn't have said it any better. Thank you. Don't hesitate to unleash...Thanks!

 

 

I.always do

[nowaygoingthereagain]

I.always do

 

So RickFox. I read your original post from years ago. There are parallels in our stories. So that was a few years ago? Do you still see her? What was closure like?

 

What happen afterwards?

[2sunny]

Lil Miss and others,

 

Thank u for taking the time to respond.

 

Let me first address my rambling. I have so many thoughts and questions regarding what happen and I have not gone through the process of closure with this A and the loss of this A. It is a loss and regardless of how it ended, it hurts me very much. Nonetheless, I have seen gains in other aspects of my life including the relationships within my own family improve and brighten up. Is the risk of even having a friendship worth compromising all that - logically no.

 

Second, yes I am grieving. It was an extremely painful loss. But the pain could be far worse like the loss of my children or my wife who I have invested nearly 20 years with. I struggle daily about not telling my W about the PA, because I fear the unknown. However, I know for sure that will close the door on any thoughts I may have about this A or the OW. Because I will be dealing with a whole other issue there.

 

Third, Lil Miss, you are right about reaching out. Because the dream I had about the OW being my greatest friend and having such strong physical and emotional connections involved really a short period of our A that ended almost a year ago. It will never surface again. It is either lost somewhere in our memory or forever gone. And because of that I have to realize to let go and move on. And do the right thing and really commit to my M. From there we can determine what's truly next with no distractions.

 

I guess I fear that one day, because of all the social media and the closeness of the community we are both part of, that I will see she has a child or a new love (a love she can truly love). I guess at one time I hoped that person was me.

 

Her H always wanted kids and begged for them to get a dog first. She, forever resisted than gave in recently. For years she didn't sleep with him in the same room, again she gave in.

 

...She is gone.

 

I had a dream once about her that we knew our love was forbidden, and we spent years separated but still continuing with our lives and trying to independently achieve the same dream, than one day I saw her and we were both ready to fall in love the right way.

 

I guess I fear letting go of that dream, but it's time to let go.

 

Thanks

 

I thought this one was special, but I guess not. I have a history of getting involved with other women, though I'll admit I never really felt emotionally engaged. I was very vulnerable this time and that stinks because it hurt a lot, so maybe that vulnerability will stick and I never get involved again unt - I hope.

 

It's still all about you - and how you feel.

 

Being THAT selfish is what starts an affair to begin with.

 

You need closure? We've all told you that we aren't here to help you feel good about screwing your wife over.

 

We all tried helping you BEFORE you started the A. YOU were totally determined to have that affair knowing full well there would be pain and suffering if you proceeded.

 

YOU still went full speed ahead. If your train had a wreck now - it's because you caused it.

 

Everyone here tried super hard to help you to NOT cause that damage. Yet you jumped on your train and were determined to cause a train wreck.

 

Why would you expect anything different? You KNEW what you were getting - now you got it.

 

And I bet you STILL haven't been honest with your wife, have you?

 

Answer THAT question! And answer without asking any more questions!

[nowaygoingthereagain]

It's still all about you - and how you feel.

 

 

We all tried helping you BEFORE you started the A. YOU were totally determined to have that affair knowing full well there would be pain and suffering if you proceeded.

 

And I bet you STILL haven't been honest with your wife, have you?

 

Answer THAT question! And answer without asking any more questions!

 

I feel like I should just ignore you, but I better respond. I jumped on this forum after I had the A. I f-ed the AP, love her for a year than I jumped on this forum.

 

And I really don't know what the hell you are talking about but in my post lil miss all I made were statements, I didn't ask any questions.

 

So here are two answers for you. Yes, I not been fully honest with my W. And two, I am ignoring you now.

[Popsicle]

I'm not following you popsicle? Can you explain?

 

Well, you mentioned that at first you were after the conquest and it seems like it bothers you that she did not fall in love with you. I wonder if she had fallen in love with you if you would have had an easier time getting over her?

[RickFox]

So RickFox. I read your original post from years ago. There are parallels in our stories. So that was a few years ago? Do you still see her? What was closure like?

 

What happen afterwards?

 

From time to time she crosses into my field of view but I normally stay away from her. Closure is good when it happens, it comes when you simply get tired of wasting so much energy wondering about everything they are doing and you finally say eff it. I'm not saying you will stop caring but you just won't care about caring so damn much and it's a relief. No matter what there will be good days and bad days

[nowaygoingthereagain]

Well, you mentioned that at first you were after the conquest and it seems like it bothers you that she did not fall in love with you. I wonder if she had fallen in love with you if you would have had an easier time getting over her?

 

 

I thought she loved me at one time. I look back at it months later, I'm not sure what her feelings were. Either way, I don't think it's easy getting over her.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

From time to time she crosses into my field of view but I normally stay away from her. Closure is good when it happens, it comes when you simply get tired of wasting so much energy wondering about everything they are doing and you finally say eff it. I'm not saying you will stop caring but you just won't care about caring so damn much and it's a relief. No matter what there will be good days and bad days

 

 

Well said. A friend of mine had an affair about 8 years ago. His circumstance were a little different. He said exactly the same thing.

[P1nginLOVE]

I always wince when I read the man's perspective.

 

First off, contacting her on her birthday invites either rejection OR a rekindling of things. If that is truly not what you want, then DON'T do it. Is it worth the risk to you.

 

Affairs take a lot of mental energy. More than what we realize when we are in them.

 

I'm just two weeks out and...uh...my married friend with benefits doesn't know it is over yet. He thinks I have met someone and am dating...before we see each other again, I have to tell him I am monogamous. It's convuluted, I know but it is what will work for both of us.

 

That first week, I just wallowed in my depression. This last week, I was still plenty depressed, but I didn't sleep as much (a frequent escape) and I am kicking ass on some projects that have sat too long. I know it is because my mental thoughts and energy aren't being spent on him and juggling schedules to get together or focusing on how many days until I see him.

 

So the increase in productivity for you isn't a surprise.

 

I can't imagine what it must be like to be married and have an affair that is more than just casual. I can't imagine maintaining the two lives. You were possibly more mentally exhausted than you realize.

 

In time, you will forget. It won't be tomorrow, it won't be next week. One day you will just realize..."hey, I haven't thought about her in...wow, a long time."

 

Be good to yourself during this whole process.

 

Good luck, I'm rooting for you.

 

Wowww...I thought you were living my life for a second

Yup...it gets better with time...

I am happy that the emotional ride I had is (in a way) fading...

[goodyblue]

Noway,

 

I didn't read all of the responses, so I could be off base regarding where they went, but honestly, if you want to go NC, the mind is such a wonderful thing. It allows you to control it. You CAN control your thoughts. Push thoughts away if you are interested in letting go. Before long, it will become second nature.

 

I hope you find your way. TBH, you sound like you are not getting what you need at home, and if this is true, you need to address this. Even if you divorced, it would still be there... that feeling of not being satisfied. There must come a time when you are happy within yourself regardless of your surroundings. Much love and hope to you and for you.

[Owl]

OK...here's some advice for you.

 

Stop pining...stop whining.

 

Start OWNING your actions. You note repeatedly that you've done wrong...and yet have STILL not manned up and rectified those wrongs.

 

Make it happen.

 

Sit down with your wife, clear the air, get the truth out there, and figure out between the two of you whether or not your marriage should continue based on all of the information being available to the both of you.

 

Quit talking about things...start doing things.

 

Stop worrying about what's going on in her life...start fixing the stuff that's wrong in yours.

 

Pretty simple when you think about it.

 

I look forward to hearing about your plan of having that sit-down conversation with your wife....tonight.

[2sunny]

OK...here's some advice for you.

 

Stop pining...stop whining.

 

Start OWNING your actions. You note repeatedly that you've done wrong...and yet have STILL not manned up and rectified those wrongs.

 

Make it happen.

 

Sit down with your wife, clear the air, get the truth out there, and figure out between the two of you whether or not your marriage should continue based on all of the information being available to the both of you.

 

Quit talking about things...start doing things.

 

Stop worrying about what's going on in her life...start fixing the stuff that's wrong in yours.

 

Pretty simple when you think about it.

 

I look forward to hearing about your plan of having that sit-down conversation with your wife....tonight.

 

This is a good plan of ACTION. When you change things - things will change.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

OK...here's some advice for you.

 

Stop pining...stop whining.

 

Start OWNING your actions. You note repeatedly that you've done wrong...and yet have STILL not manned up and rectified those wrongs.

 

Make it happen.

 

Sit down with your wife, clear the air, get the truth out there, and figure out between the two of you whether or not your marriage should continue based on all of the information being available to the both of you.

 

Quit talking about things...start doing things.

 

Stop worrying about what's going on in her life...start fixing the stuff that's wrong in yours.

 

Pretty simple when you think about it.

 

I look forward to hearing about your plan of having that sit-down conversation with your wife....tonight.

 

 

You got it. Done I told my wife.

[2sunny]

You got it. Done I told my wife.

 

What did she say?

 

What is the plan of action for both of you?

 

I commend you for telling her.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

What did she say?

 

What is the plan of action for both of you?

 

I commend you for telling her.

 

 

My W and I moved on from the past. I was tortured underneath for months. No longer. I no longer really care, have any emotion or attraction for the OW. That chapter of my life is over. I am so happy that is the case.