hART Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 The problem: My boyfriend and the other woman want to be friends. Reasons this could be okay: -she has a boyfriend -they aren't going to do anything (I'm 90% sure on this) -their feelings -they didn't got that far and things between them have changed. -maybe it is just friends Reasons it is not okay: -Their past together, something sexual could ensue -my feelings, why keep enemies close to the person I'm closest to. -fueling a potential romance -knowing she'll be waiting in the wings for us to break up. -my feelings, it brings me stress. -they didn't respect me before, why would that change now. The decision I made: No contact between the two of them. (at least until I have a moment to think about it). How they reacted: Waiting a month to make plans behind my back, then not following through on them. How I reacted to their reaction: Calling her and telling her not to call my phone anymore. How she reacted: Calling me and saying, "I don't know what the big deal is, he just wants to say hi" (she is a spoiled rich kid, who was never loved; according to my boyfriend). The new problem: Considering all of the above, is my decision fair? (yes, I understand I shouldn't have called her, but it's better then what I really wanted to do) Was my original decision of no contact too extreme? (I posted in the forum when I originally posted and a few people here backed me up) What I'm not ready to do: -break up. -let anything beyond friendship happen. -let myself be used or abused. -be unfair to anyone My conclusion: Stick to my guns and never give in, even if it means breaking up or them doing things behind my back. Any insights are welcome. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Well thought out post. I think you should get ready to break up. I can't tell from your post how old you are or how serious the cheating was, but it's shocking to me that he would expect you to put up with this. He's already proven that he can't be trusted generally, now he wants to be trusted with her? It's skanky for him to want to hang with her; its pathetic and not appropriate.] But he's going to do what he wants to do. So I would get ready to dump him Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 awwww, poor baby she's spoiled and unloved. boooo hooooo. what a tramp. and what a stupid jerk of a boyfriend. let them run off into the sunset so they could cheat on each other, and leave yourself out of it. it's not very respectful of him to expect this of you...it's like asking permission to cheat again. i know you don't want to break up with him, but my lord. would he allow you to be friends with someone you cheated on him with? doubt it. more importantly, would you even want to be friends with someone you cheated with? ack. i say tell him no, there is no reason for it. if he fights to stay friends with her, i think you have your answer on whether this is beyond-friendly. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 lol this is a no brainer......friends? As in a suddenly new lady comes into your b/f SO life as just a friend? hmmmmm possible but highly unprobiable! Does this mean you will be invited to their so called get tog ethers? If not I see RED FLAGS! Hold your guns on this one! The so called friend of his is now his fiance'. BEWARE! Link to post Share on other sites
emopunk Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Context of the situation... He did cheat on you with her, yes? If the answer is yes, its very simple... If he is truly penitant, then he'll see how this bothers you and break contact with her. In a relationship, you must have your own friends and be an individual, but the core of a relationship is that this person means more to you than all others. If that's not the case, something is wrong and the situation needs to be examined. State your exact feelings on the situation. If he argues, you know he feels and you walk. If he talks to you about it, then hear him out. If he breaks contact, great! Just trust your instinct on whether the truth is being stated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hART Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 what he didn't do: oral sex Intercourse Get a hand job What he did do: Everything that proceeds with he didn't do. How he feels: Guilty, a little whipped (by me), a little used (by her)...(how do I know exactly how he feels). What he said: he isn't even sure if he wants to be friends with her, but he wanted to see if he could get that special connection back. How she feels: Confused, because she didn't think anything that happened between them constituted cheating. Angry with me, because I won't let them be friends. She doesn't think she did anything wrong and isn't sorry at all. She thinks I hate her. What has happened since I made the last post: She agreed to stop calling my phone. He agreed to contact her, with my permission. I told them they could be friends, but I would have to go with them (both of them thought this was weird and unnessesary). How I feel: Releived, a little controlling, and wary (something still might happen behind my back). what I agreed to: him having female friends still, just not her. staying with him and forgiving him for what he did. (not punching her if she comes anywhere near me). What will happen if he does anything more with this chick (or if anything similar happens with another chick): Anything from a short break to breaking up. (a short break if he goes to coffee with her, breaking up if anything more happens). history: I'm 22 he is 25. We have been together seven years. she is 19. This is the first time anything like this happened, he rarely looks at porn. surprisingly, he is generally respectful, sweet, giving and trustworthy (well, not so much now). I've never been with anyone else. He dated a few other chicks before me, but they just kissed. thank you everyone for confirming I made the right decision and I'm not crazy for doing so. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 I think you're being pretty accomodating to him on this -- he's negotiating it like its his severance package, not like he cheated on you. Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by hART What he said: he isn't even sure if he wants to be friends with her, but he wanted to see if he could get that special connection back. You must be joking!!! The last thing I would expect from my cheating boyfriend would be to tell me that he wants get the SPECIAL CONNECTION with a girl he cheated on with!!!! I am sorry but I just cant believe it, he should be licking your feet to get you back, showing you how much is he sorry for what he did and he seems to have absolutely opposite approach. And from what you wrote it seems to me he still wants her, and maybe there had been more stuff going on between them than he admitted, but in any case this is a huge red flag and I would not be surprised if he f****ed her this time. I am so angry at him that he CAN AFFORD to tell you he can be still friends with her. And I am angry at you that you are allowing him so. He is absolutely on the top of the relationship. But I mean really. You dont need this. If I was in your shoes I would leave him straightaway, at least before or my (yours) dignity and self-esteem is gone!!! QUOTE] Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 I couldnt help myself.... Why are you allowing him to cause you so much pain?????????????? He is absolutely in control of the whole situation!!! I mean what is so great about him that you are willing to put up with so much crap???????? Link to post Share on other sites
tigerskye Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by hART What he said: he isn't even sure if he wants to be friends with her, but he wanted to see if he could get that special connection back. I read this and thought what the h**l. If my boyfriend EVER told me that he wanted a speical connection back with the girl he cheated on me with he would have my boot print on his a**. Actually I think if he ever cheated on me he would be out the door. We as women should not have to put up with having someone say they love us but can go be with another women the next minute. NO WAY! Originally posted by hART How she feels: Confused, because she didn't think anything that happened between them constituted cheating. Angry with me, because I won't let them be friends. She doesn't think she did anything wrong and isn't sorry at all. She thinks I hate her. Whatever...in mine and most people's books kissing(not like you kiss your mom) constitutes cheating. And of course she doesn't think she did anything wrong because she probadly does it all the time! And you should not like her she is a slut! Actually if you think of it the way I would, I would like her for showing me my man is a cheating rat! Originally posted by hART What will happen if he does anything more with this chick (or if anything similar happens with another chick): Anything from a short break to breaking up. (a short break if he goes to coffee with her, breaking up if anything more happens). SHORT BREAK? You should not be giving this man anymore of your time! Link to post Share on other sites
tigerskye Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by very-confused-girl He is absolutely in control of the whole situation!!! That is so true. He is controlling the situation. And mostly by making her feel bad for being upset when he cheated. How stupid is that! Link to post Share on other sites
Stylin22 Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Let me tell you something as a man, myself...I use that term here cause I don't mess with girls like this boy does...Anyhow, back to the point...if he cares, he'll walk through he** and back with no shoes on for you. I'm really sorry to say but he ain't gonna do that. I understand that you have a lot invested in this relationship but you have to understand that you are going to miss out on someone who will think you are as precious as a diamond. If you are a girl, I'm sure the caring, attentive, loving life that comes with being a diamond will appeal to you. I'm glad Confused is upset, not in a negative way, cause more girls should defend their dignity. Props to you, wish there were more like you who refuse to be a mat to walk on. I'm upset cause she seems more bothered by it than you are....See the thing about great relationships are that they allow you the freedom to be you and the freedom for them to be who they are. You seem to have an awful lot of conditions on this one...Mistrust will have more of a place in your heart then he will...something to think about... and I figured she'd be about 19, she had to be on the same maturity level as him.... Link to post Share on other sites
Spira Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Damn right, Stylin22. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 what he didn't do: oral sex Intercourse Get a hand job What he did do: Everything that proceeds with he didn't do. How he feels: Guilty, a little whipped (by me), a little used (by her)...(how do I know exactly how he feels). What he said: he isn't even sure if he wants to be friends with her, but he wanted to see if he could get that special connection back. So basically he had an emotional affair mixed in with what, 2nd base action? I guess I wouldn't call it cheating in the traditional sense but come on, the guy is a wanker if he can't see your side of things. They want to still be friends? She can't figure out what the problem is? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Sixty Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Hey girl, I believe that if you let him get away with it once, it will happen again. I have a rule that if anyone has ever cheated on me it is over forever. I know that you have been with him for a long time, but you are not getting any younger. Live life and enjoy your youth! Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 i'm sorry, but if he cheats on you again, which he obviously is planning on it, it's cause you set it up to happen. i was sympathetic at first, but you can't help someone who won't help herself. this is really sad. you need to have more respect for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Originally posted by Stylin22 Let me tell you something as a man, myself...I use that term here cause I don't mess with girls like this boy does...Anyhow, back to the point...if he cares, he'll walk through he** and back with no shoes on for you. I'm really sorry to say but he ain't gonna do that. I understand that you have a lot invested in this relationship but you have to understand that you are going to miss out on someone who will think you are as precious as a diamond. If you are a girl, I'm sure the caring, attentive, loving life that comes with being a diamond will appeal to you. I'm glad Confused is upset, not in a negative way, cause more girls should defend their dignity. Props to you, wish there were more like you who refuse to be a mat to walk on. I'm upset cause she seems more bothered by it than you are....See the thing about great relationships are that they allow you the freedom to be you and the freedom for them to be who they are. You seem to have an awful lot of conditions on this one...Mistrust will have more of a place in your heart then he will...something to think about... and I figured she'd be about 19, she had to be on the same maturity level as him.... Damn Skippin. Link to post Share on other sites
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