Getting married too early?

[TrishWick]

Now I understand that age might be subjective, but I can't help to be bothered that A LOT of people my age (I'm only 20) are getting married.

 

Sure I guess when you're ready you're ready. But why not take the time to establish yourself? It's like a rat race fro what I've seen.

 

I might be single, but by no means am I coming from a jealous standpoint.

 

I'm still in college and would want to get established with a job at least before making that big of a commitment.

 

Opinions?

[Shepp]

I believe you should live and let live!

 

Not everyone wants the same things out of life and hence there's not a set age of marriage that works for everyone - people are different and get married at different times!

 

 

My brother got unofficially married at 17 (made it official as soon as they could)...they're 26 now with two gorgeous little boys, he runs a fishing business, she's a midwife - they remain one of THE most genuinely happy couples I know!

 

I'm your age - I've got my career, i'm in the fire service, i'm on the ladder. I've got my house, my girlfriend, my four month old twin boys - I'm at a place in my life where the natural progression is marriage.

Of course I could equally be 2 years older and still in med school, sharing a flat, with a girlfriend but not kids - and in those circumstances marriage would be a mind boggling jump to make.

That's why there's no set age - because it will be different for everyone. I cant look st my life and project 'why isn't everyone this age ring shopping' nor could someone in a totally different set of cirumstances project 'he's getting married too young'/

[pickflicker]

Now I understand that age might be subjective, but I can't help to be bothered that A LOT of people my age (I'm only 20) are getting married.

 

Sure I guess when you're ready you're ready. But why not take the time to establish yourself? It's like a rat race fro what I've seen.

 

I might be single, but by no means am I coming from a jealous standpoint.

 

I'm still in college and would want to get established with a job at least before making that big of a commitment.

 

Opinions?

 

Some people meet the person they want to marry earlier in life than others. If they're happy, go for it.

 

My brother was married at 25 to his HS sweetheart. Been married 4 years now He's 3 years younger than me. He found his girl and I think it's great. So long as both people are getting married for the right reasons, they should go for it. "Being established" had little to do with it, because from what I've seen, marriage is hard (but rewarding!) work, every day, no matter how old or established you are.

[newmoon]

I wouldn't go around encouraging 20somethings to marry because there is still so much growth left that a person has to go through, but looking back at my own life I regret not marrying earlier and I really regret not having kids in my early 20s.

[digdoug]

My wife and I have been married 31 years she was 19, and I was 23. we have grown together over the years and would not change a thing.

[d0nnivain]

If that's a cultural norm where you are they might have a better chance. Of all my dozens of friends only 2 got married at 20. Both couples are still together. It can work but is rare.

 

 

Wish them well & follow your own dreams.

[pink_sugar]

I've often wondered why no one makes a big deal about people having kids at 20. To me that is a much bigger committment than marriage and life altering. At least with marriage, there is always divorce, but if you have kids, it's a permanent life change and there's no going back. I got married at 19 and should have waited, but really it wasn't much difference than cohabiting. I did what I felt was right at the time and well, we all make mistakes, but having kids would really have been a bad choice. Almost 25 now and no kids.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm 26 and none of the people in my very wide friendship group are getting married yet, very few are engaged that I can think of. I actually can't think of a single friend my age who is married! One or two people have started having children but that's very much the exception.

 

The overriding feeling is that your early 20s are far too young to be making those kind of lifelong decisions about who you want to be with, when you have so much more growing to do. So there's no pressure here, most people work hard on qualifying in one field or another so that they have a stable career and are able to support themselves. Most people have relationships and co-habiting is frequent too, but as for marriage it just isn't on anyone's radar. I haven't been to a wedding in my life yet.

[Shepp]

I'm 26 and none of the people in my very wide friendship group are getting married yet, very few are engaged that I can think of. I actually can't think of a single friend my age who is married! One or two people have started having children but that's very much the exception.

 

The overriding feeling is that your early 20s are far too young to be making those kind of lifelong decisions about who you want to be with, when you have so much more growing to do. So there's no pressure here, most people work hard on qualifying in one field or another so that they have a stable career and are able to support themselves. Most people have relationships and co-habiting is frequent too, but as for marriage it just isn't on anyone's radar. I haven't been to a wedding in my life yet.

 

See everything you just wrote really surprises me - so I guess that's the thing, it depends an awful lot on where you live as to whats the norm!

 

Have you really never been to a wedding?

[thinkingofhim]

If you find the person you want to marry young and are both willing to try hard to make your relationship work, I don't see any reason not to marry.

[acrosstheuniverse]

See everything you just wrote really surprises me - so I guess that's the thing, it depends an awful lot on where you live as to whats the norm!

 

Have you really never been to a wedding?

 

I'm in the uk too, working class background, no wealth at all in my circles but nearly all of us have been to university and gotten degrees and postgrad for careers, like teaching, or the social work sector.

 

Yeah! I've been to a couple of the after parties but never an actual ceremony. Then again I don't have anything to do with any family barring my dad and his wife, and like I say none of my peers have gotten to the engaged stage yet although most of us have had lengthy relationships and some have co habited. The focus seems to be on work/studies for most people I know, nobody I know has done the marriage, kids and settle down thing yet. Most of us see it in our future someday but wouldn't want it just yet

[acrosstheuniverse]

Although I know in your situation Shepp you've pretty much achieved the stuff me and most of my mates are still working at, I took a winding path to where I am now rather than a straight one , but even if I had qualified at 21 rather than 26 I still would want several years in my career before marriage and kids to establish myself. No problem with cohabiting though and I wouldn't consider engagement until I had lived together for quite some time you're clearly dedicated and have achieved a lot very young so I can see why you're happy to be living this life at such a young age. Each to their own!

[acrosstheuniverse]

Plus I've seen my parents on their second and then third marriages and one of them die, lived with a broken marriage between them for five years while they divorced but remained living together, not the best example. I do want marriage and kids but I'm cautious too.

[Shepp]

I'm in the uk too, working class background, no wealth at all in my circles but nearly all of us have been to university and gotten degrees and postgrad for careers, like teaching, or the social work sector.

Sure! I kinda meant more...country/city, y'know? ....I dunno if it is the case but I do tend to see more people who settle down young in the country than the city?

 

To be fair thinking about it, most of the weddings I've been to so far have been siblings or cousins, only been to one that was a school mate.

 

Although I know in your situation Shepp you've pretty much achieved the stuff me and most of my mates are still working at, I took a winding path to where I am now rather than a straight one , but even if I had qualified at 21 rather than 26 I still would want several years in my career before marriage and kids to establish myself. No problem with cohabiting though and I wouldn't consider engagement until I had lived together for quite some time you're clearly dedicated and have achieved a lot very young so I can see why you're happy to be living this life at such a young age. Each to their own!

Yeah I got in the fire service at 18 which was great, that said I do want to climb the ranks, but I want to do that and come home to wife and kids.

 

Not that I think that's right or wrong - I totally get people who want to focus on the career, travel, live before kids. For me personally, I want to live with kids - I want to be young enough to coach the footie team, take them climbing, grow up with them...I never wanted a really big age gap between myself and my kids.

That said, like I say its a personal preference, its not for everyone, that's why I odnt think you can put an age on marriage - its different for everyone

 

Plus I've seen my parents on their second and then third marriages and one of them die, lived with a broken marriage between them for five years while they divorced but remained living together, not the best example. I do want marriage and kids but I'm cautious too.

I can totally see that would make you more cautious, personally theres only one divorce in my family, an aunt of mine, so my example of marriage has always been as something strong and desirable.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Sure! I kinda meant more...country/city, y'know? ....I dunno if it is the case but I do tend to see more people who settle down young in the country than the city?

 

To be fair thinking about it, most of the weddings I've been to so far have been siblings or cousins, only been to one that was a school mate.

 

 

Yeah I got in the fire service at 18 which was great, that said I do want to climb the ranks, but I want to do that and come home to wife and kids.

 

Not that I think that's right or wrong - I totally get people who want to focus on the career, travel, live before kids. For me personally, I want to live with kids - I want to be young enough to coach the footie team, take them climbing, grow up with them...I never wanted a really big age gap between myself and my kids.

That said, like I say its a personal preference, its not for everyone, that's why I odnt think you can put an age on marriage - its different for everyone

 

 

I can totally see that would make you more cautious, personally theres only one divorce in my family, an aunt of mine, so my example of marriage has always been as something strong and desirable.

 

Oh I'm in the city! That's so great that you achieved your career goal so soon, all power to ya. It sounds like you have everything one should have in place before commiting to marriage anyway, the house, the job, the great relationship. How does your girlfriend feel about marriage?

 

I know everyone's different but I can't help but think who you are at 20 isn't who you're going to be at 25. After late twenties I think your identity starts to settle down a little and you have a better idea of who you are, where you're going and what you want. I mean, I have always had a strong identity, and always been a hard worker and had a vague idea of what I wanted to do, and pursued that through voluntary work even while working dead end jobs I hated. But looking back, at 18 and 20 and 22 I was in no way capable of knowing that the partner I was with was the one I wanted to settle down with forever. Then again, my 2 year relationship from 22-24 I was more than happy with the idea of being with him forever. He left me in the end, though. Looking back, I can see the issues in the relationship that might have made us incompatible long term.

 

I only know one really strong example of a marriage, maybe two, the parents of two of my best friends. Pretty much everyone else I know either is stuck in a marriage with serious issues or onto their second and third marriages. My dad and stepmum are PERFECT for one another, have a wonderful life, and make each other happy so they're a brilliant example of marriage to me. But that is my dad's third, my stepmum's second, and they were an affair before they actually got together.

 

These days after having my heart broken and being left a couple times seemingly out of the blue I jsut can't picture being with any one person for the long haul. It's not that I don't want it, I do, I just can't believe deep down that anybody would stick it out for me. I know it's illogical but I kinda see relationships as all having expiration dates now. It's very sad, and something I tried to address in counselling. I think I have abandonment issues after losing a parent to alcohol, being dumped by two people I was in love with and being disowned by psycho family. I'm wary of ever really putting my all into anybody again because I've experienced in several arenas (partners, family) people leaving out of the blue and now I just feel as though I can only rely on myself and my best friends.

 

Maybe some day that will change, who knows? I'm with a great guy now, very early days, and I don't know where that's going to go. But I'm almost at peace with what feels like an inevitable end.

[Shepp]

Oh I'm in the city! That's so great that you achieved your career goal so soon, all power to ya. It sounds like you have everything one should have in place before commiting to marriage anyway, the house, the job, the great relationship. How does your girlfriend feel about marriage?

 

I know everyone's different but I can't help but think who you are at 20 isn't who you're going to be at 25. After late twenties I think your identity starts to settle down a little and you have a better idea of who you are, where you're going and what you want. I mean, I have always had a strong identity, and always been a hard worker and had a vague idea of what I wanted to do, and pursued that through voluntary work even while working dead end jobs I hated. But looking back, at 18 and 20 and 22 I was in no way capable of knowing that the partner I was with was the one I wanted to settle down with forever. Then again, my 2 year relationship from 22-24 I was more than happy with the idea of being with him forever. He left me in the end, though. Looking back, I can see the issues in the relationship that might have made us incompatible long term.

 

I only know one really strong example of a marriage, maybe two, the parents of two of my best friends. Pretty much everyone else I know either is stuck in a marriage with serious issues or onto their second and third marriages. My dad and stepmum are PERFECT for one another, have a wonderful life, and make each other happy so they're a brilliant example of marriage to me. But that is my dad's third, my stepmum's second, and they were an affair before they actually got together.

 

These days after having my heart broken and being left a couple times seemingly out of the blue I jsut can't picture being with any one person for the long haul. It's not that I don't want it, I do, I just can't believe deep down that anybody would stick it out for me. I know it's illogical but I kinda see relationships as all having expiration dates now. It's very sad, and something I tried to address in counselling. I think I have abandonment issues after losing a parent to alcohol, being dumped by two people I was in love with and being disowned by psycho family. I'm wary of ever really putting my all into anybody again because I've experienced in several arenas (partners, family) people leaving out of the blue and now I just feel as though I can only rely on myself and my best friends.

 

Maybe some day that will change, who knows? I'm with a great guy now, very early days, and I don't know where that's going to go. But I'm almost at peace with what feels like an inevitable end.

 

Thanks!

Well, I hope she feels good about it seeing as I pick the ring up soon!

But actually, she doesn't feel like me in the sense I always wanted to get married - she always swore she never would.

But she also swore she'd never have kids and we've got twins. She doesn't really mean it, its just talk - actually the stuff you said about relationships having expiry dates and just having to rely on yourself reminds me of stuff she's said in the past.

 

She didn't grow up in the sort of environment I did, she moved around a lot as a kid, then her mum died when she was 13 and her dad, he got depressed, I think he drank. She had to bring herself up - get food, cook, everything.

Her dad met another women and pulled himself out a bit but my gf never saw eye to eye with her and her relationship with her dad was broke.

She'd tell me like that one way or another everyone leaves.

 

Took about 4 years of me trying before she'd go out with me....but that makes me belive 100% that if teenage Alfie can wait 4 years on that girl that that family man Alfie can get us through any problems we hit down the line.

 

I totally believe I can make a marriage last till I die - but then like I say the examples all around me are of people making marriages last, not quitting.

 

 

I agree that you do a lot of growing up when your young (thought I think at any point in like you can have an experience that changes you) but in my opinion that's the perfect time to be together - if you grow up together, your shaping each other, your growing together - and that means you grow in the same direction.

Its the same with my best mate who leaving out holidays there probably hasn't been a week go by where I haven't seen my best mate at the very least 3 times since I was three years old! if I met them him for the first time - I probably wouldn't be the same man, because he's played a part in making me the person I am....so if I was different, and he was different - would we still be as close??

Our differences that seem so insignificant - if you took away our history, and shared experiences would they suddenly matter more?? Would his heavy metal music make me think we didn't have to much in common? Would the fact I see red make him write me off?

 

 

I don't judge people at all who want to live first and then pick a partner who suits, that's absolutely fine - I guess my feeling be it nature or nurture is that you don't visualise a marriage and then look for a girl who fits it, you pick the girl and then you marriage work, together.

 

 

(Plus when you have kids together - our lives are entwined forever! By way of our shared sons. Whatever happens in our relationship I'll see that girl in one capacity or another until the day I die, by way of our sons --- people talk a lot about the decision to get married but the decision to raise kids with someone is actually a lot more permanent)

[Emilia]

(Plus when you have kids together - our lives are entwined forever! By way of our shared sons. Whatever happens in our relationship I'll see that girl in one capacity or another until the day I die, by way of our sons --- people talk a lot about the decision to get married but the decision to raise kids with someone is actually a lot more permanent)

Couldn't agree more. I'm astonished that people think having children together is less of a commitment. My former boss was one. They had two kids before he married his wife because finally 'he knew in his heart it was the right thing to do'. Erm.... how about having children together that ties you together for the rest of your life?

 

I see people pair off in rural environment much earlier yes. You probably won't like my reasoning but I think it happens later in cities because people have more options. The only English men I've ever dated were country boys because they didn't grow up with the entitled city attitude.

[Shepp]

Couldn't agree more. I'm astonished that people think having children together is less of a commitment. My former boss was one. They had two kids before he married his wife because finally 'he knew in his heart it was the right thing to do'. Erm.... how about having children together that ties you together for the rest of your life?

Its a strange way of thinking. I used to know a girl who'd outright say she thought it was a mistake for people our age to get married, but she thought it was okay for them to have kids together because "A kid is a kid, but marriage and your life is over"......like huh?? A kid is for life - I want my marriage to be for elife too but it isn't the same as have kids!!

 

I see people pair off in rural environment much earlier yes. You probably won't like my reasoning but I think it happens later in cities because people have more options. The only English men I've ever dated were country boys because they didn't grow up with the entitled city attitude.

I kinda know what you mean - I think maybe...theres less reason to break up...you see an awful lot of lads hook up with the lass down the road in their late teens and marry her in there twenties. Its pretty standard.

Its definitely not standard to have two or three girls on the go (I guess maybe a little bit on account of the fact you'd probably bump into them all the time...or at the very least there gran, or sisters, bf's, best friends, nephew or something )

 

I just think the ethos about everything is different in the city, my sister and her fella live in London, great people, but there'll tell you about this great restaurant they went to but then there'll never ever go there again because they want to try a different restaurant instead - I just don't know how if nothings ever enough when do you sit back and just enjoy what you've got?

Its blackjack - you keep twisting and eventually you'll go bust! At some point you have to take the risk to just have faith in the cards your holding.

 

Theres some people - and I don't mean all, not at all, but there is a culture of people that, hold out for 100% perfection (in relationships, job offers, weather, anything) and call ambition but I believe that you work at something until you make it perfection (you work at your relationship, you climb the ranks in your job, you put a rain mac on).

I've got good friends, a job I love, a nice house, the girl I've wanted since I was 15, and too amazing little boys - I'm happy. You don't gamble with that, you marry that, you lock it down, and if Cheryl Cole comes knocking well then she'll of missed her chance won't she!

There's a difference between lacking ambition and just not being an idiot!

 

I think I've gone off subject know.....I can't really remember where I was going with this post!

[Emilia]

You don't gamble with that, you marry that, you lock it down, and if Cheryl Cole comes knocking well then she'll of missed her chance won't she!

Good post but I have to object to the above, the world doesn't need cockney/west country/geordie accents mixed together. Thank you

 

But seriously, you are spot on about commitment.

[Shepp]

Good post but I have to object to the above, the world doesn't need cockney/west country/geordie accents mixed together. Thank you

 

But seriously, you are spot on about commitment.

 

Hahahaha!!

 

Yeah, might be slipping into child abuse territory there!

[EverLastluv]

Now I understand that age might be subjective, but I can't help to be bothered that A LOT of people my age (I'm only 20) are getting married.

 

Sure I guess when you're ready you're ready. But why not take the time to establish yourself? It's like a rat race fro what I've seen.

 

I might be single, but by no means am I coming from a jealous standpoint.

 

I'm still in college and would want to get established with a job at least before making that big of a commitment.

 

Opinions?

 

I see it as if 2 Hearts wants to get together in marriage thats fine. Age should not be a problem. I got married at 18 yrs old now devorce. I never regret being marriend its just part of life. Im still looking forward for a new life with someoneelse. I have one daughter. I believe in marriage b4 kids. I sure not having anymore if marriage dont come about in my life.

[pink_sugar]

I see it as if 2 Hearts wants to get together in marriage thats fine. Age should not be a problem. I got married at 18 yrs old now devorce. I never regret being marriend its just part of life. Im still looking forward for a new life with someoneelse. I have one daughter. I believe in marriage b4 kids. I sure not having anymore if marriage dont come about in my life.

 

Amen! We all make mistakes. The good thing about marriage, is that in today's world you can get divorced if it doesn't work out. Life is an experience. Marriage isn't the end of the world. Having children is an even bigger deal as it's non-reversable and a committment that requires emotional and financial stability.

[DannyCA]

Amen! We all make mistakes. The good thing about marriage, is that in today's world you can get divorced if it doesn't work out.

 

Well I wouldn't count that as some grand pro to marriage in contemporary times. When you get married you should know for sure thats what you want. And with that being said I don't know if that's a good thing going into a marriage thinking "well a good thing about marriage today is I can get divorced anytime I want."

[pink_sugar]

Well I wouldn't count that as some grand pro to marriage in contemporary times. When you get married you should know for sure thats what you want. And with that being said I don't know if that's a good thing going into a marriage thinking "well a good thing about marriage today is I can get divorced anytime I want."

 

Of course not, but sometimes people change as they get older or realize what they really thought they wanted ends up not being what they want 10 years later. Life is full of uncertainty. You take a risk when you marry, but it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out.