Cousin Just Died, I feel bad Like I shouldn't smile. . .

[feeling Bad]

my cousin just recently died, a victim of a

horrible drunken bar alley argument/shooting. His

best friend( a close friend to me as well since childhood) was hurt

and is in the hospital. He's expected to recover but

is in a lot of pain and pretty tore up.

 

everyone is in morning, as am I, i've cried many times

and waited and hoped at the hospital all day long on sat,

helping out, consoling, etc.

 

 

it's still fresh in our minds and hearts and I feel so bad

for his parents(my aunt and uncle) and for the girlfriend

he's leaving behind. I don't know all the details behind the

scuffle, but i have a pretty good idea my cousin was pretty

intoxicated and I had worried a bit about he and his friend's

late nights, drinking, getting into fights etc. So was his brother.

 

my problem is, it's still so recent and new and I feel bad doing

anything for myself, eating or even listening to my fave music.

I was trying to pass the time get my mind off of the whole thing today, before

i head off for the hospital to help out,

and was browsing on-line at music and ended up ordering a couple

of CDs. Now I feel horrible. Like I shouldn't be doing that when people

are in pain. It seems so meaningless. I feel really really bad. I feel bad

laughing at jokes or doing anything for myself. I feel selfish.

 

Am I a total bastard?

[tiki]

You poor thing. You do whatever it takes to get through!

 

I lost a cousin a year and a half ago myself. It's very hard, it's a trying time. Stay strong and be there for the rest of the family. They need you more that you could ever imagine.

[Moose]

First, I'm sorry for your loss. Second, most of my family and friends tell me they want me to throw a huge bash when they pass. They want me to celebrate the fact that they no longer get tired, worried, or bored. They no longer have bills to pay, people to worry about, and the no longer hunger. Death is just another step we all go through in this cycle we call life. Don't feel bad to laugh....your cousin probably would tell you the same.

[HokeyReligions]

Everyone deals with grief in a different way. Laughter is pretty common. I can't put the link here, but do a search for www . beyondindigo . com and check out the information there on grief.

 

Nothing you are feeling now is abnormal and you are not in any way wrong for feeling how you feel. I'm very sorry for your loss -- I know what it is to lose loved ones. Try the website, lots of good information and support for grief.

[feeling Bad]

I want to do so much now for the family, be the

flag carrier to take care of everyone, cheer everyone up, be the strong one.

 

realistically, it's not

like I was super, super close to my cuz and our friend.

We kind of drifted apart later in our adult lives...the memory of

us as Kids together is so strong in my mind. We had so much fun

as kids. But I never really felt like hanging with them drinking it

up, partying with the people then partied with. Plus, I moved

away and only saw them every once in a while.

 

So even though I wasn't fully involved in their lives in

our adulthood, I still feel so bad, like I shouldn't be

enjoying life And I feel bad for buying the CDs now.

[Moose]

I think we all will be surpised when we pass how trivial things like this are. Don't worry about buying the cds. Heck, when Mrs. Moose gets depressed, I'll find hundreds of receipts around the house. Buying things is the way she deals with depression. If it makes you feel better.....by all means, go shopping!

[feeling Bad]

Thanks all. I'm going to stop the buying. It's not

good for my bank account anyway and I know it isn't.

 

I guess it is sort of dealing with he sadness in my own

weird way. I know it is, because in a way, i was trying to

forget about the whole thing because I feel like crying

every second and I shouldn't be, I'm a grown man. I should

be strong thru this. I just felt bad after doing it.

 

Anyway, Thank you

for all of your advice.

[quankanne]

don't EVER feel guilty or wrong or bad for crying: that's your body's way with coping with the grief you're experiencing. Think of it this way -- grieve now, get it out and let the healing process begin, or bottle it up, don't ever say anything and suffer doubly.

 

I admire your wanting to be strong for your family, it's a good thing. Just remember, you have to recharge sometime. You need to stay on top of eating regular meals and your normal routine, of taking time out to be good to yourself, especially if you're adding care of your cousin's family/loved ones to that pattern for now. Somehow, knowing that you're doing the same mundane thing you did last week helps you get through because it's something you can depend on. That's what makes dealing with grieving family a bit more bearable when you're trying to be the "strong one."

 

is there anyone close by you can share your feelings with? a clergyman, a best friend? sometimes, by letting your feelings known to a third party who isn't directly involved can give you the strength you need to carry on. I know when my mother died and my mother-in-law was dying of cancer at the same time, I honestly don't think I could have made it through without my circle of friends, especially my best friend Steph, who helped me find a sense of normalcy amidst all the craziness. Hearing about what her son was up to, gossiping about her family, telling me how their house hunt was going kept me grounded when I thought I was going to lose it because I'd let myself get so run down.