tinklebell Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Hi Everyone! I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 41. We met in 1999, living together for almost three years and things with us have been very serious. We plan to buy a house soon in two to three years. We both love to travel during our vacations and have been to many places. My boyfriend is very successful with his career on a fire department and I just finished college and have a good job. Since we know each other for quite awhile and love one another, I would love to start a family now, but my boyfriend asked me if I can wait three more years because he wants to study for chief and becomes one if he passed the test. He wants children and he feels if he is going to be a father, he wants to dedicate his time. I am just wondering if anyone out there is in the same situation or similar as we are. I have a feeling I will be commented on our age difference, but this is never a problem with both of us and I believe I'm more mature than anyone my age. Comments welcomed and thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 'more mature', maturer is not a word. Wait for him to be ready. Sounds like he knows what he wants. Three years isn't so long. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 one thing that wasn't mentioned in your post was marriage... not exactly necessary to procreate, but a darn good asset to have when considering children... are you against it? ****this is not a judgment call... Link to post Share on other sites
tinklebell Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I appreciate the comments! one thing that wasn't mentioned in your post was marriage... not exactly necessary to procreate, but a darn good asset to have when considering children... are you against it? ****this is not a judgment call... About a year after we moved in together, we started talking about getting engaged. We didn't set a time line, but we talked about it openly. From then on in, it wasn't a matter of "if", it was about 'when-how-where.'" Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 maybe he's thinking he would like to be married first...since you've already talked about it, you know? i don't know...it seems like you have a great guy, very supportive, very whatever it is you're looking for... enjoy your time with him while you can...once you have kids, you never get it back!!! (i don't have kids, but i do have plenty of nieces and nephews....and sisters who wish they would have waited a little bit longer to be able to enjoy their husbands!) good luck to you, i hope whatever you two agree on works out great! Link to post Share on other sites
tinklebell Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Thanks GirlDown, I believe he wants to have me all to himself and if the baby comes, I will be busying taking care of the baby and not paying attention to him. You're right, GirlDown, I do love our times together and I appreciate having him around. I have many friends, relatives who have children and wished they can go places as they pleased. I love children and I grew up with many, many relatives with younger cousins, etc. My boyfriend on the other hand, is an only child and his mother passed away when he was very young. Maybe it is a different view on his side? Also, the reason I wanted his babies so badly is because he is so wonderful with kids. I see him showing his firetrucks, teaching to the kids and it just melts my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 If I could afford to have a baby right now (professional experience, and a bf with that also), I'd do it . I think the age is very important when deciding to have children. Now... is he the right man? There's no point into tricking him to make one, you know. I mean, for me it is unreal. Older than 40 and he still wants to wait? That's a first timer for me! Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I'm 25 years old right now and the last thing I want is a baby. Maybe when I am about 30. Wouldn't you like to travel more? Or have you been everywhere already? It will be different travelling with kids. Especially young ones. Forget about sleeping in either. My two of my friends kids have always wake me up so early when I stay over. Lol. Plus most people I know who has kids always complain about how early they get up. Guess you haven't seen the ugly side of having kids. Lol. That's only a couple a have mentioned. Still... I'm sure having kids is great and wonderful plus you do have good times and memories with them but make sure that's really want you want and what your boyfriend wants too. Even I think about it every now and then but don't want it at the moment. . In a couple of years. Like what GirlDown says enjoy your time with him while you can, once you have kids you'll never get it back. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Don't even have a kid unless you are married. The age difference between the two of you concerns me. what if he decides he needs to go back to teh even younger girlfriend well ? Do you really want to be left holding the "bag" without the legal protections of marriage if things don't work out after you have a baby out of wedlock? Get a real commitment, a marriage, before starting a family. Playing house is not the way to go. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 People always think about the end result, "BABY". I could go on and on about the horrors of bad pregnancies, or pregnancies gone terribly wrong (IE every one of mine). Basically it is immature, actually, to selfishly demand a child when your partner has clearly outlined the very self-aware reasons why he wants to wait. My Dad didn't have his first child until he was in his late 40s. I was born when he was 50, and my Mom was 28. My Dad, IMHO, is a much better father than any other father I've ever encountered. Just wait. your biological clock can't be that loud. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I think keyword here is "boyfriend" Why would he want a kid with someone if down the road, possible, he might not want to be with you anymore and then thats it. He doesn't have to pay child support or anything b/c you weren't married. BF's and GF's should never have a planned child together...there's no security. Not saying that marriage has security...but at least you get something out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I also want to see the world. I really really want to travel and do big things. Yet I know that given the chance, I'd have a baby now with my bf, with all his sins and his faults (and my sins and my faults), if we could afford it. My mom had me when she was 27. She had my sister when she was 30. I can tell you that there is a HUGE difference between how she rasied me and how she rasied her. She got even more into her career, she spent even less time with her and basically didn't have the same patience with my sister as she did with me. Indeed, my sister was a bit of a wild kid, but still... I think that decinding on when to have a baby depends a lot on how a person gets old. It's enough to look at you mom and see how you are when you get old - my oppinion is that it's all in your genes. I don not have reasons to be optimistic! Of course, I suppose that your bf wants to have your baby and that he wants to have it now... I think actually having a family is one amazing incredible thing (I myself hope for one one day ). I wish everything turns out the way you want to, girl. Link to post Share on other sites
tinklebell Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Hello readers and thank you for your inputs. The age difference between the two of you concerns me. what if he decides he needs to go back to teh even younger girlfriend well ? Do you really want to be left holding the "bag" without the legal protections of marriage if things don't work out after you have a baby out of wedlock? I think keyword here is "boyfriend" Why would he want a kid with someone if down the road, possible, he might not want to be with you anymore and then thats it. He doesn't have to pay child support or anything b/c you weren't married. BF's and GF's should never have a planned child together...there's no security. Not saying that marriage has security...but at least you get something out of it. I know my boyfriend because of our chances of living together and there is no doubt in my mind that he will leave me for a younger person or even someone else. The only thing or place he would probably would leave me for is his firehouse or his career. LOL that is a joke, but he is a mature man - I am not talking about a person who is in his early or late 20s. If I want to leave him because of his age, than I would leave. Fortunately, his age doesn't concerned me at all. I met him when I was 18 and I "grew up" by being with him. He is more than a person I called "boyfriend." Besides, he had told me many times that if he loves a person, he would stick with her. Like I've said n my first post, I would love to start a family now, but my boyfriend asked me if I can wait three more years because he wants to study for chief and becomes one if he passed the test. Ok, he makes over 100 grand himself - and he hasn't reached chief yet. Does this means he can't pay child support? I am being asked to wait because he knows studying will be hard when there is a baby crying in the background and I understand that. Get a real commitment, a marriage, before starting a family. Playing house is not the way to go. The word "commitment" buzzes incessantly around the heads of unmarried couples. I hear that we should make a "commitmment" that "my boyfriend can't commit." The truth is, commitment and marriage often go together, but they're not the same thing. My boyfriend and I can be absolutely committed to each other but haven't tied the knot... And I'm sure you all know of marriages that don't last because commitment was lacking. In the meantime, living together is a wonderful experience and believe me - it is not playing house at all. Basically it is immature, actually, to selfishly demand a child when your partner has clearly outlined the very self-aware reasons why he wants to wait. Blind_Otter, please don't take this the wrong way, but I hope you will re read my first post. I basically said "I would love to start a family now" - this wasn't selfishly demanding a child. If I want to - I can just get knock up and ask him to leave if I just want a child. Starting a family, in my definition means first getting married as well. And yes, you are right, my boyfriend has clearly outlined his reasons and I am 100% supporting him. The rest, thank you again for your comments. Please keep in mind that I am not against his wishes in fact, I do want to wait until we are first married or he has reached chief. We also love traveling and we have been to most places in the world. He has been to more places than I do because he is so adventorous and he has molded me into becoming one as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Babies aren't pets that you get because you're bored and think they're cute. Maybe you need to focus on your OWN career, and things like that. Link to post Share on other sites
butterfly29 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Hey tinklebel, You're 24, your life is ahead of you! Time isn't pressuring you and you have tons of chances to have a baby. His clock should be ticking on the contrary. You know he wants to have a family with you, so relax. Take your time, if your age difference or other things don't bother you now, they just might in the next 3 years. take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Zoot Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 AGE isn't the problem. A JOINT FOCUS is the problem. He's not where you are in the relationship in terms of wanting children and you have no choice but to respect that. If you don't, then he is reduced to a sperm donor. This isn't about starting a family - unless it's a choice you have made TOGETHER. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 In three years, presuming your tmeline plays out, he'll be done studying for teh chief's test. Then what? Do you think it is more time consuming than actually being a chief? He will have another thing to do and want you to stall yet again. He doesn't want children. BTW, a fireman showing off his truck to kids is not the same thing as 24/7 having a kid to take care of. It's a good start, but.... Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 I wonder how tinklebel should put it and which tone she should use when expressing her desire to have a baby and be takes seriously and not like a spoiled brat's tones. I never would have thought that so many people think in terms of sterotypes. Like "big career", "education" etc. No offence, but I doubt that all the women that postpone marriage actually get to be CEOs and not all people that (re)start their education are going to MIT. LAst year, I have had a classmate who was not married, ha a year and a half baby and was actually selected to a MAster where I have been rejected. I mean, really, just look at things straight in the eyes: it's not fashionable to have kids in your early 20's anymore. Even if you have an education and the means to raise the baby. Tinklebel, don't you dare stay with him for the rest of your life and actually be happy !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Originally posted by tinklebell Please keep in mind that I am not against his wishes in fact, I do want to wait until we are first married or he has reached chief. Okay. I'm confused. If he wants to wait and you want to wait, then what is the point of the post? The title led me to think that you wanted a baby soon . . . Lil *shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Originally posted by Lil Honey Okay. I'm confused. If he wants to wait and you want to wait, then what is the point of the post? The title led me to think that you wanted a baby soon . . . Lil *shrug* Word. what she said. i was confused myself....what are you asking? what validation are you seeking? Link to post Share on other sites
tinklebell Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Hello Readers! Nothing much to say except that I appreciate all your posts and I have come to my senses. Actually I think you all helped me to realize that I should wait until we are married. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 I am 24 with a 4 year old and another one on the way, I adore my son and the one I am pregnant with and I wouldn't change them for the world. No mother can express the love they have for there children. BUT I wish I could have had the same kids just 5 years later.. I don't regret having children, but my life isn't very easy. I am looking foward to the days I retire at 24!! SO I can travel, and have my own time That's sad. Please ANYONE who is juggling with the idea of having children unwed, uneducated and unfufilled please wait. You can always have kids but you can't EVER EVER take back your youth. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Stone: I get the impression that Tinklebell's boyfriend isn't the marrying type. They've been together for something like six years and he is still putting her off. Unfortunately, I think - and this is just my opinion - that an 18-year-old getting involved with someone nearly twice her age doesn't see that likely he is attracted to a woman so young because he likes to be in control . . . He is 41 now and wants her to wait three years? What? So he can start a family when he's 44? Riiiiiight. And he's going to want to chase after a kindergartener when he's 50 . . . He SAYS that he wants to wait until his done with his training. She never mentioned her own education. Link to post Share on other sites
alicia24 Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 In my opinion, I think mariage should be discussed before having a baby. But thats just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Why why why why why would you want a kid? Go read a couple of threads of parents with teenagers, and then listen to the wisdom your your boyfriend that's twice your age. Link to post Share on other sites
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