BlueBobby Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I've never had an issue getting over someone but trying to get over this OW has been impossible. It was me that said we should probably stop, we were just both getting to involved and I had never developed feelings as strong as I was with her and I knew she was getting hurt by my pulling away so I told her I thought we should stop. She agreed and I just thought it would be over. But I think about her even more now than I did before. I actually can't even get off unless I think about her. It's not only sex though. During a storm last week all day I just kept worrying about where she was and if she was ok. This is my wife's best friend. I still see her all the time, She seems like she's dealing with things ok and I know she thinks I am but inside I feel like I die a little every time I see her and can't say anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 BB, I have and am experiencing EVERYTHING you described. Even down to the sex. How can he not be my go-to fantasy? He rocked my world. TMI?! Probably, but that's what this site is all about! i am way further out of A than you are but I think it is the contact that keeps us STUCK. He is still constantly on my mind. Seeing AP regularly or even the possibility of it keeps the feelings and memories too close to the surface. Unfortunately I have no advice, since clearly moving on/letting go is not my strength. Just wishing you clear thoughts and peace of mind as you hopefully move forward. All the best!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I hope you will be ok. Its hard for her too but she wont show you that she is greiving. Its just the worst to really fall for someone and not be able to stay with them. Affairs are brutal because you normally break up not because you didnt want to be with them, or because you didn't love them, you broke up because you HAD to, and its a horrible feeling. Worst case scenario. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Perhaps you should tell your wife...I feel so bad for her...two of the people she trusts most in her life are betraying her in one of the worst ways. Do the right thing and set her free. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Perhaps you should tell your wife...I feel so bad for her...two of the people she trusts most in her life are betraying her in one of the worst ways. Do the right thing and set her free. You don't even know my wife to feel bad for her. My wife is happy and fine and doesn't know about the affair at all and we are ending it so she never does have to find out. Her friend started to feel really guilty and because she was it all just started to pile up on me too. We have a really strange relationship with this other couple. I thought I had my feelings all in check but since deciding to stop doing what we are doing I just can't get her out of my head. I'm not looking to cheat on my wife with anyone else or anything like that. My wife is pretty solid and happy. Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 You don't even know my wife to feel bad for her. My wife is happy and fine and doesn't know about the affair at all and we are ending it so she never does have to find out. Her friend started to feel really guilty and because she was it all just started to pile up on me too. We have a really strange relationship with this other couple. I thought I had my feelings all in check but since deciding to stop doing what we are doing I just can't get her out of my head. I'm not looking to cheat on my wife with anyone else or anything like that. My wife is pretty solid and happy. Yeah, because she doesn't know her husband is sleeping with her best friend.If she did, i bet she wouldn't be happy at all. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCardigan Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Your story is similar to so many on these boards, so if you've haven't read deep into the archives, I'd encourage you to do so. You may find help and ideas. The past posts were very helpful to me. I do think that your seeing her, is making the break harder. I see my xMM from time to time at work and it always makes it harder. Does he look happy or sad? Do I see the glint in his eye? I was doing well with NC/LC but that changed recently and I'm back to trying to figure some stuff out. That came from a break in NC (personal conversation) and then seeing him at work. So is there a way that you can get some physical distance while you work through your feelings? You have to grieve the loss of the relationship and your deep feelings towards her. Since she is your wife's friend can you encourage them to have girls night out or if they are at your house can you be busy with other friends, working OT, in the garage, etc? I can't guarantee success but maybe it will help you grieve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Your story is similar to so many on these boards, so if you've haven't read deep into the archives, I'd encourage you to do so. You may find help and ideas. The past posts were very helpful to me. I do think that your seeing her, is making the break harder. I see my xMM from time to time at work and it always makes it harder. Does he look happy or sad? Do I see the glint in his eye? I was doing well with NC/LC but that changed recently and I'm back to trying to figure some stuff out. That came from a break in NC (personal conversation) and then seeing him at work. So is there a way that you can get some physical distance while you work through your feelings? You have to grieve the loss of the relationship and your deep feelings towards her. Since she is your wife's friend can you encourage them to have girls night out or if they are at your house can you be busy with other friends, working OT, in the garage, etc? I can't guarantee success but maybe it will help you grieve. I see that a few women here are in similar situations haven't seen any from the guys side. Yes when I see her I'm trying to read her face for everything that's been left unsaid. We went from talking so much to not at all really fast. I do think I'll get over it I just have never felt like this and it's kind of crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I see that a few women here are in similar situations haven't seen any from the guys side. Yes when I see her I'm trying to read her face for everything that's been left unsaid. We went from talking so much to not at all really fast. I do think I'll get over it I just have never felt like this and it's kind of crazy. I hate to say this but this will not remain a secret forever - believe me. And your wife might appear happy and fine (my xmom's wife appeared that way too and let me tell you he greatly misread her - in fact I think he felt like she was too naive to know and she was the opposite - she had suspected for a very long time but remained cool until she had proof) . You won't recover as long as you are near her - it just won't happen. Take it from a FMOW. I am sorry you are dealing with this - there are many of us that can totally empathize and understand - but the logical responses are going to be the same. You cannot really recover unless you reveal this to your wife. She doesn't even fully know what she's dealing with but I can tell you she probably thinks something is off. These boards are filled with BS's who thought they were crazy - knowing something wasn't right only to uncover later on what was really the issue. Don't do this to her, please. I am sick every day that I did this to someone I called my friend (and she was my friend). But in hindsight it was best she knew - at least at that point she could make decisions about what she wanted to do with her own life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Yeah, because she doesn't know her husband is sleeping with her best friend.If she did, i bet she wouldn't be happy at all. Would you be ok with your wife having an A behind your back? Give her the same option, and since you are supposed to have your W's back, let her know exactly what kind of "best' friend she has. Do you have kids? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 You don't even know my wife to feel bad for her. My wife is happy and fine and doesn't know about the affair at all and we are ending it so she never does have to find out. Her friend started to feel really guilty and because she was it all just started to pile up on me too. We have a really strange relationship with this other couple. I thought I had my feelings all in check but since deciding to stop doing what we are doing I just can't get her out of my head. I'm not looking to cheat on my wife with anyone else or anything like that. My wife is pretty solid and happy. I know enough to feel sad for her. Because what she thinks she has is not the truth, so she is living a lie without even knowing it. Her h is a cheat. Her best friend is stabbing her in the back. It is a horrible situation...a double betrayal. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Not judging you at all, because the high horse I'm riding on is neck and neck with yours but how do you sleep with your wife's acquaintance?? (Can't call her best friend because someone can't be a best friend AND sleep with her husband). I've done some pretty fu*ked up things in my life but when I think of my best friends no way, never could I/would I sleep with their boyfriend/husband. I would imagine since this woman will be in your lives (until the A is discovered) on a regular basis that it makes it even harder to get over her. And I think the more you try to read her emotions, the longer you stay vested in the A. I think you're in for a longgg hardddd road. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 She is the best friend my wife has. Long before the affair started, she is ****ed up from things that have happened but doesn't make her a bad person. We got wrapped up in it but I did say we ended it and it's been three weeks of no talking so it's not like either of us are saying it was right. She's her best friend because she has always been there. Always offered help and never expected anything in return, that was before me and her got close and it never stopped. People do ****ed up things all the time and every one lies. This was a big one. We stopped before anyone got hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Would you be ok with your wife having an A behind your back? Give her the same option, and since you are supposed to have your W's back, let her know exactly what kind of "best' friend she has. Do you have kids? I have a very different view on sex than most I think. The relationship and bonding is what would get to me, not the sex at all. Yes I have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I have a very different view on sex than most I think. The relationship and bonding is what would get to me, not the sex at all. Yes I have kids. You have "relationship and bonding" with this person, though. Are you saying it's ok for you but you wouldn't be ok with a similar relationship between your wife and one of your "friends"? I put friends in quotes because whoever said that a true friend wouldn't creep with her friends spouse is correct. Her being a good friend before the affair doesn't mitigate the damage she has helped to cause in her "friends" marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 This is very sad. I have lived this - it doesn't end well. And I'm afraid if won't for you either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 The relationship and bonding is what would get to me Yeah, thought so. Sex = bonding (unless your a hooker) for most humans. And an A is texting, talking about feeling, romantic words, sex, etc = bonding. What is good for the goose is not good for the gander, that it why A's are hidden. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) Hi BB, Kudos to you for realizing that what you and your OP felt, and did, was/is wrong. You took the first and absolutely the hardest step. It is multiple times harder because you still see the OP all the time. I am sure she is hurting too. Don't give up. You are doing the right thing, and it does get better. It will hurt for awhile - probably a long time. That is normal. But you WILL get over it, and if your marriage wasn't important to you, then you wouldn't have made the decision to go no contact. Edited March 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I wonder if my xMM still thinks about me a lot. Does this help the OP in some way? Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 You really sound like you are not facing the reality of your situation and exactly who and what this ow have done. Even if she never finds out, you have both risked her emotional well bring. You have placed her in harms way without her knowledge, permission or consent. Does this sound like something a loving h or thoughtful best friend would do? It doesn't matter what bad experiences your ow had in her past, nothing excuses her hurtful behavior towards her so called best friend. The same holds true for you. While you may both be good people, you are sure treating her badly. You a pretty crappy h, and she is just as crappy a friend. One day, if and when your w finds out ( and her bs) they will be in for a world of pain, all because of choices the two of you made. I wonder how you would feel were it your wife who ws cheating with your best friend. Would that be okay? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 She is the best friend my wife has. Long before the affair started, she is ****ed up from things that have happened but doesn't make her a bad person. We got wrapped up in it but I did say we ended it and it's been three weeks of no talking so it's not like either of us are saying it was right. She's her best friend because she has always been there. Always offered help and never expected anything in return, that was before me and her got close and it never stopped. People do ****ed up things all the time and every one lies. This was a big one. We stopped before anyone got hurt. She is absolutely not your wifes best friend. She is a cheat and a liar. Doesnt matter what effed up past she had, both you and her made the decision to betray your wife. Just horrible. With friends like that.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Double betrayal . . . .totally devastating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Hi BB, Kudos to you for realizing that what you and your OP felt, and did, was/is wrong. You took the first and absolutely the hardest step. It is multiple times harder because you still see the OP all the time. I am sure she is hurting too. Don't give up. You are doing the right thing, and it does get better. It will hurt for awhile - probably a long time. That is normal. But you WILL get over it, and if your marriage wasn't important to you, then you wouldn't have made the decision to go no contact. But the point is that the OP is not in nc. This isn't even like a situation where they work together. They acutely socialize. This is a time bomb waiting to explode. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 People do ****ed up things all the time and every one lies. This was a big one. We stopped before anyone got hurt. I really hope this isn't your excuse or justification. Just because you stopped before someone got hurt doesn't mean they still might not be hurting. I felt my WH's distance to me during his A. It was palpable I knew him that well. It hurt not having his attention on me like he normally did. I remained cool until I had proof...then atomic bomb time! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueBobby Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 The only way anyone would ever find out is if we told them. We are not going to do that. End of story. Link to post Share on other sites
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