I feel obsessed

[BlueBobby]

I know I'm going to get blasted for this but I don't really care. The advice to confess, to a person who has already said they have considered that option and chosen against it, is really advice in favour of a betrayed spouse ya?

 

I mean that's all well and good advice. Confess and seek forgiveness, if the person thinks that sounds like a good plan for their individual relationship ya.. Or if I was killing myself with guilt and couldn't sleep or something. Maybe even it's ok advice.

 

But really the people giving advice to confess now are thinking of my wife and not me and that's fine to. I don't expect you to give a **** about me. But I'm the one posting. Not my wife.

I'm not confessing nothing.

That's maybe pure selfishness. Call it that if you want, I'm definitely looking out for myself. I always do. I think long run it's better for my kids and overall family too just put it all in the past that's why I told the other woman we had to stop. I felt guilty enough for the roller coaster I was putting both women through enough to end it but I don't lose sleep. My wife sure does noticed the distance but doesn't suspect an affair and I'm not giving her any reason to suspect one in the future either.

 

Let's be real. The ones who are saying I should confess are saying I should for my wife's benefit and not mine. It's not to save my eternal soul because mine feels fine.

 

And that's noble of ya, but can I suggest you go give advice in a forum where the betrayed spouse is requesting it? That's who you want to help so, fly free, I'm good without the confession pushers.

 

Telling my wife and ruining my friends life and family is not on my list of to dos.

I love that girl. Would never do that to her. And I love my family and intend to keep my marriage.

 

My wife doesn't get to make this call because there was no DDay. Sorry if it's a thorn in your side but it is what it is.

 

We haven't talked for like three weeks. I'll get over her I was just trying to talk about it because I do have messed up feelings about it. Telling my wife would be setting off a bomb and I'm not in any way ever going to do that.

Edited March 11, 2014 by BlueBobby

[rumbleseat]

I know I'm going to get blasted for this but I don't really care. The advice to confess, to a person who has already said they have considered that option and chosen against it, is really advice in favour of a betrayed spouse ya?

 

I mean that's all well and good advice. Confess and seek forgiveness, if the person thinks that sounds like a good plan for their individual relationship ya.. Or if I was killing myself with guilt and couldn't sleep or something. Maybe even it's ok advice.

 

But really the people giving advice to confess now are thinking of my wife and not me and that's fine to. I don't expect you to give a **** about me. But I'm the one posting. Not my wife.

I'm not confessing nothing.

That's maybe pure selfishness. Call it that if you want, I'm definitely looking out for myself. I always do. I think long run it's better for my kids and overall family too just put it all in the past that's why I told the other woman we had to stop. I felt guilty enough for the roller coaster I was putting both women through enough to end it but I don't lose sleep. My wife sure does noticed the distance but doesn't suspect an affair and I'm not giving her any reason to suspect one in the future either.

 

Let's be real. The ones who are saying I should confess are saying I should for my wife's benefit and not mine. It's not to save my eternal soul because mine feels fine.

 

And that's noble of ya, but can I suggest you go give advice in a forum where the betrayed spouse is requesting it? That's who you want to help so, fly free, I'm good without the confession pushers.

 

Perhaps instead of being so cocky that your w will never find out, you should listen to the people who have been in your W's shoes and who found out, not from a confession, but through other ways. Secrets have a a way of bubbling up, and if you are foolish enough to think that it won't be your @ss in a sling when it does, then go full steam ahead.

 

Actually, if I were you, I would go after your ow and tell her you want to be with her. The two of you sound like two peas in a pod.

[BlueBobby]

Perhaps instead of being so cocky that your w will never find out, you should listen to the people who have been in your W's shoes and who found out, not from a confession, but through other ways. Secrets have a a way of bubbling up, and if you are foolish enough to think that it won't be your @ss in a sling when it does, then go full steam ahead.

 

Actually, if I were you, I would go after your ow and tell her you want to be with her. The two of you sound like two peas in a pod.

 

I've never once said she will never 100 percent ever find out. It could happen. But the risk is pretty ****in small because nobody but the two of us know about it. My girl is not the confessing type and I know without a doubt I'm safe there she has a lot more to lose than me. Neither of will be confessing. That's a solid known fact.

What happens next I guess we'll wait to see.

 

But the only evidence is in the way we look at each other and maybe body language. Nothing that would ever spell out affair.

 

Also good job mate. I get called cocky a lot, I don't mind the observation.

[BlueBobby]

I'm not trying to be a dick. I am messed up about it. I miss this girl she was a really good friend and we ****ed it up.

I don't need people typing out long paragraphs of advice basically to my wife, or all about her.

Love her but I'm not too worried about the state of my marriage right now it's pretty solid. I'm sure that pisses some off too.

[SugarHibiscus]

Bobby,

 

I want to commend you for putting an end to your A. I can't imagine how hard it is. You're doing the right thing.

 

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm having an A with my BF's significant other. I know people judge me as a terrible friend and a terrible wife. I can't say they're wrong, but I can say that $hit happens. We never set out to do this but it's happening.

 

You could say we are obsessed with each other. We've fallen hard. My AP says that I'm his drug and he can't get enough. We can be reckless sometimes.

 

We know we should end it but don't have the courage.

 

I can understand why you think about her all the time. She's right there, but you can't reach her. You can't interact with her in the way you want to. You can't let that skeleton peek out of the closet. I get it.

 

Having an A is one thing, but having to see your AP with their husband is excruciating. It kills me to her my BF talk about him. I'm not jealous, just conflicted.

 

Don't ever confess. Get out while the others are unscathed.

[SugarHibiscus]

I've never once said she will never 100 percent ever find out. It could happen. But the risk is pretty ****in small because nobody but the two of us know about it. My girl is not the confessing type and I know without a doubt I'm safe there she has a lot more to lose than me. Neither of will be confessing. That's a solid known fact.

What happens next I guess we'll wait to see.

 

But the only evidence is in the way we look at each other and maybe body language. Nothing that would ever spell out affair.

 

Also good job mate. I get called cocky a lot, I don't mind the observation.

 

I can relate to this too. I will NEVER confess. Too many people will suffer.

 

My AP and I have an agreement that ONLY if there are pictures of us in the actual act will we acknowledge it. If anything else comes to light (phone records, seeing us out together, etc.), we are just friends. Even if someone tells me that he confessed, I will not believe it. I told him never to believe it if he is told that I confessed. We will call people's bluff.

[Lady2163]

But really the people giving advice to confess now are thinking of my wife and not me and that's fine to. I don't expect you to give a **** about me. But I'm the one posting. Not my wife.

 

Let's be real. The ones who are saying I should confess are saying I should for my wife's benefit and not mine. It's not to save my eternal soul because mine feels fine.

 

And that's noble of ya, but can I suggest you go give advice in a forum where the betrayed spouse is requesting it? That's who you want to help so, fly free.

 

I just really like how you phrased this. I do agree that in an OW/OM forum, the focus needs to be what is best for the poster, not the betrayed spouse.

 

I'd like to say I have some brilliant words of wisdom, but your situation does suck - a whole lot.

 

I am making the assumption that you are mentally choosing to rededicate yourself to wife and marriage. If so, that is where your focus should be.

 

Are you at all able to limit the time you socialize with the other couple? Are you able to speak with the fOW and ask her to work to limit the socialization?

 

Any way you could take a couples class or event of some kind that happens on the nights you usually see each other? The best example I have is: could you take dance lessons on Friday or Saturday night if that is usually when you get together? Is there something your wife has always want the two of you to do?

 

And now for the slight lecture and unnessecary weigh in...oftentimes I consider myself as one of the least moralistic OW on this board. I am a serial OW (although most happened when I was 16 - 23 and my brain was not fully formed), yet I have to tell you, it takes a real lack of emotions to do that to a best friend. I don't have a lot of standards, but that is a line I just won't cross.

 

Good luck to you. One day at a time...

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Listen Bobby - I was in your shoes, albeit the MOW. I am on the other end now- going on five years. Of course you think if they never knew that it is best for all, but I can tell you it will not always be like that and your BS, when she does find out, will be even more devastated because she will feel like she was duped for years into a relationship that was not honest.

 

No one here is trying to lecture you. But many of us have been where you are and pretty much can predict how it will end. My xmom was about as cocky as you are presenting yourself to be. He really thought his wife was so innocent and trusting that she didn't suspect and she had been reading our emails a year and a half BEFORE either of us confessed our feelings to one another. My husband suspected as well for a long time.

 

Until you are out of contact with this woman you will never recover - it just won't happen.

 

You have a choice to make and it seems you have your mind up already. I wish you luck.

[Popsicle]

I know I'm going to get blasted for this but I don't really care. The advice to confess, to a person who has already said they have considered that option and chosen against it, is really advice in favour of a betrayed spouse ya?

 

I mean that's all well and good advice. Confess and seek forgiveness, if the person thinks that sounds like a good plan for their individual relationship ya.. Or if I was killing myself with guilt and couldn't sleep or something. Maybe even it's ok advice.

 

But really the people giving advice to confess now are thinking of my wife and not me and that's fine to. I don't expect you to give a **** about me. But I'm the one posting. Not my wife.

I'm not confessing nothing.

That's maybe pure selfishness. Call it that if you want, I'm definitely looking out for myself. I always do. I think long run it's better for my kids and overall family too just put it all in the past that's why I told the other woman we had to stop. I felt guilty enough for the roller coaster I was putting both women through enough to end it but I don't lose sleep. My wife sure does noticed the distance but doesn't suspect an affair and I'm not giving her any reason to suspect one in the future either.

 

Let's be real. The ones who are saying I should confess are saying I should for my wife's benefit and not mine. It's not to save my eternal soul because mine feels fine.

 

And that's noble of ya, but can I suggest you go give advice in a forum where the betrayed spouse is requesting it? That's who you want to help so, fly free, I'm good without the confession pushers.

 

Telling my wife and ruining my friends life and family is not on my list of to dos.

I love that girl. Would never do that to her. And I love my family and intend to keep my marriage.

 

My wife doesn't get to make this call because there was no DDay. Sorry if it's a thorn in your side but it is what it is.

 

We haven't talked for like three weeks. I'll get over her I was just trying to talk about it because I do have messed up feelings about it. Telling my wife would be setting off a bomb and I'm not in any way ever going to do that.

 

Well said. It's always obvious when the advice given here in this section is geared more towards the BS.

[Popsicle]

Oh, and BobbyBlue, I know what you mean about constantly thinking about your AP after ending things. I ended things and still think about him daily 4 months later. It's just part of the process and is normal. It's just life, man. In time, it will lessen and you will feel more at ease.

[BlueBobby]

I can come across an ******* I know. I have actually cried about this whole thing and the only time I've ever cried in my life was when my gramma passed I was only ten and when my first boy was born.

 

Nobody, my wife or my other woman would ever believe that. I'm sure my girl thinks I'm getting over it all faster than her, ivd just learned to hide it that's all it is. My weapon is seeming cool with it all. It's how I deal.

 

I have never once had the urge to confess.

 

Saying all affair or all lies and secrets are eventually exposed, that's such bull****. We only know about the things that have been exposed. So many things have never, and will never be exposed. Can't use those examples or that would be exposing them..

[ladydesigner]

I know I'm going to get blasted for this but I don't really care. The advice to confess, to a person who has already said they have considered that option and chosen against it, is really advice in favour of a betrayed spouse ya?

 

I mean that's all well and good advice. Confess and seek forgiveness, if the person thinks that sounds like a good plan for their individual relationship ya.. Or if I was killing myself with guilt and couldn't sleep or something. Maybe even it's ok advice.

 

But really the people giving advice to confess now are thinking of my wife and not me and that's fine to. I don't expect you to give a **** about me. But I'm the one posting. Not my wife.

I'm not confessing nothing.

That's maybe pure selfishness. Call it that if you want, I'm definitely looking out for myself. I always do. I think long run it's better for my kids and overall family too just put it all in the past that's why I told the other woman we had to stop. I felt guilty enough for the roller coaster I was putting both women through enough to end it but I don't lose sleep. My wife sure does noticed the distance but doesn't suspect an affair and I'm not giving her any reason to suspect one in the future either.

 

Let's be real. The ones who are saying I should confess are saying I should for my wife's benefit and not mine. It's not to save my eternal soul because mine feels fine.

 

And that's noble of ya, but can I suggest you go give advice in a forum where the betrayed spouse is requesting it? That's who you want to help so, fly free, I'm good without the confession pushers.

 

Telling my wife and ruining my friends life and family is not on my list of to dos.

I love that girl. Would never do that to her. And I love my family and intend to keep my marriage.

 

My wife doesn't get to make this call because there was no DDay. Sorry if it's a thorn in your side but it is what it is.

 

We haven't talked for like three weeks. I'll get over her I was just trying to talk about it because I do have messed up feelings about it. Telling my wife would be setting off a bomb and I'm not in any way ever going to do that.

 

Entitled much You have no idea if your wife will find out or not. It's great you ended the A, but your take it or leave it attitude towards having had an A is very telling.

[SugarHibiscus]

Entitled much You have no idea if your wife will find out or not. It's great you ended the A, but your take it or leave it attitude towards having had an A is very telling.

 

Clearly, he loves his AP. I think the fact that he gave that relationship up for his family's sake is the most telling thing about his character.

[krazikat]

Clearly, he loves his AP. I think the fact that he gave that relationship up for his family's sake is the most telling thing about his character.

 

Actually, no. The most telling thing about his character is the fact that he would have an affair with his wife's alleged best friend.

 

For those who are saying the advice is geared more towards BS...I disagree. There are ow and WS also not applauding this sordid mess. Many unrepentant ow would never touch a friends man/woman. So this is not a BS thing, but more of a "wtf" thing because most of us would never do that and those who have regret it.

[ladydesigner]

Actually, no. The most telling thing about his character is the fact that he would have an affair with his wife's alleged best friend.

 

For those who are saying the advice is geared more towards BS...I disagree. There are ow and WS also not applauding this sordid mess. Many unrepentant ow would never touch a friends man/woman. So this is not a BS thing, but more of a "wtf" thing because most of us would never do that and those who have regret it.

 

You stated this better than I could. I agree with the bolded. My last post was removed!

[Sub]

I don't think the advice to tell the BW is strictly in the interest of BW. It's in the interest of the M as a whole, IMO. The long-term interests. The A may never come out. Thing is, what's more survivable if it does: The WH being honest now about it, or the BW finding out from someone else down the road? If there's any guilt, is it healthier for him to carry it through the rest of his life in silence, or possibly allow the fact that he was honest and did the right thing in the end help excorcise it?

[Lady2163]

How does it show support and make anything improve if you focus only on the character fault?

[Hope Shimmers]

Actually, no. The most telling thing about his character is the fact that he would have an affair with his wife's alleged best friend.

 

The thing is, people aren't perfect. We would all say we would never do such a thing - same as many BSs say they would never become an OW after going through it - yet many end up doing so. What defines someone's character is what they do about the situation. In this case, the OP has ended the relationship because he knows and agrees it was wrong and now he is hurting over it. He posted here to get support for that, so it's hard for me to understand why the conversation continues to be focused on telling the BS when he has made it clear over and over that in HIS situation and at this time it is not what he believes is the right thing to do. The fact is - and I am living proof - it isn't always the right thing to do. All situations are different.

 

For those who are saying the advice is geared more towards BS...I disagree. There are ow and WS also not applauding this sordid mess. Many unrepentant ow would never touch a friends man/woman. So this is not a BS thing, but more of a "wtf" thing because most of us would never do that and those who have regret it.

 

I am an ex-OW and I don't applaud this situation - however, I am trying to be sympathetic to the OP in terms of why he originally posted, which was to get support. It's a painful situation to be in, and many people here can sympathize and understand for having been through something similar. Those are my thoughts, anyway.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Well said. It's always obvious when the advice given here in this section is geared more towards the BS.

 

I am a BS (my husband had an affair after mine) but I guess I was a MOW first and my advice is given based on knowing the whole realm of each situation. The BS in my case WAS my friend and my XMOM was my husbands friend. It was a disaster.

 

In my opinion, the OP is very cocky, and I say this very gently, to think this will not come out. And honestly, the more cocky he is the more likely it will come out.

 

I am saying he is doing a disservice to his wife - period. And a disservice to the OW. My experience with this ( my husband and my xmom) is that they were both cowards - neither one of them wanted to deal or face any of it. My xmom would have kept it hidden (as would I most likely ) if we could have and there not been an explosive dday. With my husbands affair I chose to handle it very quietly. But he lives with a ticking time bomb every day because he has no idea if or when the xmow will pop in his office and decide to blab. Or maybe she will decide to tell her husband and then it's not something that happened 2 1/2 years ago for him - it's very fresh. Or maybe one of my girls decides to tell my son ( he doesn't know and they do because they asked him). You absolutely have no idea what the other party is going to do - especially if something just ticks them off one day - and believe me situations like this have a history of explosive stuff happening.

 

OP can do what he wants, of course - but there are those of us that know the eventual outcome. We are just trying to help.

 

Oh - and by the way - I suspected my husbands affair for nearly 8 months before I confronted him. I just kept gathering evidence and he had no idea I suspected. I needed to have the proof. We women are pretty smart sometimes.

 

And my xmom cried too - like a baby - but it was really only to save his a$$.

Edited March 11, 2014 by lilmisscantbewrong

[ladydesigner]

The thing is, people aren't perfect. We would all say we would never do such a thing - same as many BSs say they would never become an OW after going through it - yet many end up doing so. What defines someone's character is what they do about the situation. In this case, the OP has ended the relationship because he knows and agrees it was wrong and now he is hurting over it. He posted here to get support for that, so it's hard for me to understand why the conversation continues to be focused on telling the BS when he has made it clear over and over that in HIS situation and at this time it is not what he believes is the right thing to do. The fact is - and I am living proof - it isn't always the right thing to do. All situations are different.

 

 

 

I am an ex-OW and I don't applaud this situation - however, I am trying to be sympathetic to the OP in terms of why he originally posted, which was to get support. It's a painful situation to be in, and many people here can sympathize and understand for having been through something similar. Those are my thoughts, anyway.

 

Ok I can understand the above and this needing to be a support to the OP, but if he is wanting to save his M it isn't going to happen with obsessing over the OW. I think that is why many say confess because it allows reality in. I am wondering if the reason some of the responses were not so supportive (I know mine wasn't either) was because of this perceived cockiness. It reminds me a lot of my fWH and it could possibly be a trigger.

 

OP to stop obsessing you need to refocus the thoughts of OW onto something else, anything else. You cannot pine for someone and rededicate yourself to a M. It doesn't work that way. Maybe find a counselor who can work with you through processing the ending of the A and eventually what led you to have an A in the first place. I too am a fMOW and had to refocus my thoughts. Eventually they go away and you can reach indifference, but it takes work. Good luck to you OP!

[violet1]

I can come across an ******* I know. I have actually cried about this whole thing and the only time I've ever cried in my life was when my gramma passed I was only ten and when my first boy was born.

 

Nobody, my wife or my other woman would ever believe that. I'm sure my girl thinks I'm getting over it all faster than her, ivd just learned to hide it that's all it is. My weapon is seeming cool with it all. It's how I deal.

 

I have never once had the urge to confess.

 

Saying all affair or all lies and secrets are eventually exposed, that's such bull****. We only know about the things that have been exposed. So many things have never, and will never be exposed. Can't use those examples or that would be exposing them..

Bobby,

 

You are right! There are things in life that are never exposed. However, you refuse to cut the OW completely out of your life. The chances of the affair starting up again is very likely. Who are you trying to fool here?

 

Affairs can become addictions. You are feeling partial withdrawals. I say partial because you won't cut her out of your life. It's like quitting smoking. You can't still take a drag off a cigarette once a day and say that you've quit. It doesn't work that way. You've crossed a line that has destroyed any chance of having a simple, platonic friendship with your OW. Make a choice. Don't post a thread stating your affair is over because it's far from it IMHO.

 

One more thing. What most people don't get is that affairs are not like normal relationships. The emotions you feel when the A ends are different than the emotions you feel when a normal relationship ends. I say this because I didn't get it either. It unfortunately, took me having a D Day to see things clearly. I did the exact same things you are doing. I ended my A, at least the physical part, but we continued talking. A couple months or so later I got caught. I kept saying to myself the affair is over. It clearly wasn't because I kept him in my life. It's not easy, but if you truly want the A to be over, you have to cut ALL contact with her. If you aren't going to do that you might as well get divorced because your marriage is a sham.

Edited March 12, 2014 by violet1