Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I view my husband as equal on every level. We shine at different things and show strength in different areas, but I view neither as 'stronger' or more powerful. I wish he would open up to me more. He soaks up my work stresses for me, and I share my fears openly with him. He tends to share much less. I genuinely do not know how much of that is due to macho expectations (not much, I'd guess), and how much is that he processes differently to me. He has cried in my presence several times and I am so glad that of everyone in the world he feel secure enough to let me be there for him where he would not permit anyone else to. My son has sought assistance from the school counselling service, and has managed to articulate some difficult things in therapy, and I could not be more proud. I see his behaviour as proactive, assertive and mature. He has recognised an issue, and been willing to ask for help. To me, this is strength. Denial is not a strength. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I don't think it is the show of emotions that women might find weak and find you less attractive, it would more likely be the frequency of the showing of emotions. If a man has repressed these emotions over a certain length of time, his partner says why cant you open up to me, he does and the flood gates are opened. Women should be wary of this happening, as the guy could then be seen as a drama queen !! There may be some truth to this but unless you know exactly what amount of insecurity to display and know exactly at what point she'll appreciate it and exactly what point she'll start to lose respect, you're best bet is not to do it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Women are attracted to confident, courageous men who can handle their life well. That doesn't mean that he can never show a vulnerable side. I think women are attracted to men who are able to open up to them and be vulnerable at times. I believe that the bold is the key. It's OK for a man to open up and be weak once in a blue moon. But it better not be a regular occurrence. It's OK to cry when your dad dies, but don't complain about being bullied at work. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I don't think it is the show of emotions that women might find weak and find you less attractive, it would more likely be the frequency of the showing of emotions. It's often easier to give support to women. If you think somebody's going to snap angrily at you, or blame you/others angrily for their distress or just generally give a very negative response you just tend to feel far less inclined to extend support. That's something I've often found here on this board. There are some threads I've contributed to where a guy was looking for support and you'll see a lot of "thanks everybody for your comments, it's really helpful etc" - and those are the threads where lots of people will be tending to come in and give very thoughtful advice. Because the advice seeker is making it relatively rewarding. Which is probably related to personality traits, tendency to consider others etc. Then there are the angry threads where you know that whatever you contribute will be wrong. Any advice suggesting that the advice seeker's attitude will not be helping them is leapt on as unfair criticism "just let peoplevent" etc. Unfortunately venting isn't all it's cracked up to be. A lot of the time all it does is reinforce the negative patterns of thinking and hostility that result in a person being isolated. I was talking to somebody about this yesterday. Along the lines of "you always read on the internet about how nice guys finish last but really that's a myth in many ways." I was thinking in the context of how professionally I will go above and beyond the call of duty for the nice people. I will charge them less than I should...whereas with clients who are difficult and unpleasant the focus will be on considering whether I should be resigning from acting. When I talk to professionals in other fields they admit to feeling much the same. The more nice and appreciative the client or patient, the better a service you're going to give them. It's just human nature to go that extra mile for the people who you feel deserve it and who would be as giving back. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Well women like confidence in a man...the only few times I cried was when my aunt died of Cancer many years ago. I am a sucker for those movies that show relationship between family though... Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 (edited) Well women like confidence in a man...the only few times I cried was when my aunt died of Cancer many years ago. I am a sucker for those movies that show relationship between family though... I don't see any correlation between a person being emotional and lacking confidence, but then my father's always been a very outgoing, confident sort of person and he is also very emotional. What I would tend to think of as a fairly Mediterranean temperament (though he's actually English). I think of emotional people who wear their hearts on their sleeves as warm, outgoing, passionate types. And I have no issues with men crying in front of me. I see it a lot at work. Actually, I have a really hard time understanding people who get antsy about others crying. I regard it as a natural and healthy response to stress and loss, and it annoys me when people try to pathologise those who cry, or call them weak etc. They're not being weak. They're engaging in a natural human response which shows that they're emotionally alive. Edited March 8, 2014 by Taramere 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I didn't cry during our M, except at the funeral of a dear friend of my exW's, actually one of her past BF's, when his wife was tragically killed. The only other time was when my mom died, but we were already split up at that point so she never knew. The thrust of my comments was 'chinks' in the armor, sharing concerns and asking for help and support. Later, feeling 'abandoned'. What I despise, an often read on these forums is, when men share such experiences, women respond with, 'well, you chose that woman' or 'work on yourself' or similar, rather than validating and supporting the feelings shared, and this mirrors what I see in real life. Who came to my aid in real life while caregiving? Men! If intimacy has to be on her terms, then count me out! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I must say that most women on here have been supportive during my darker times. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Well in my area, men who cried at movies are seen as weak lolz, I don't follow the crowd and join the "alpha" guys though. I am just myself and don't really care who judges. Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 If a woman is down and out, or feeling sad or unconfident about something, men are supposed to comfort her and be there for her. If a man shows any lack of confidence, or negative emotion, he will be abandoned by the woman. Um... not by me. Not for that. The last guy I dated was having some hard times at work. I did tell him if he wanted to talk about it or vent about it, I'd treat him to a cup of coffee and listen. He turned me down, but appreciated the offer - even his ex hadn't been that nice. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Ive never cried during hard times...And there have been plenty..I did cry like a little schoolgirl when my daughter was first born and she looked into my eyes and smiled at me when she was all of 15 seconds old...:love: I dont think its a good trait for a guy to be overly emotional-in a demonstrative way...We are meant to be strong and self assured.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I dont think its a good trait for a guy to be overly emotional-in a demonstrative way...We are meant to be strong and self assured.. TFY Society has a lot to answer for. Men and women do not have different brains, claims neuroscientist - Telegraph Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 If a woman is down and out, or feeling sad or unconfident about something, men are supposed to comfort her and be there for her. If a man shows any lack of confidence, or negative emotion, he will be abandoned by the woman. .....not my experience. I have male and female friends I can go to when Im feeling down. And aside from my best male friend, its mostly females who seem more willing for comfort me when I need it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 (edited) Society has a lot to answer for. Men and women do not have different brains, claims neuroscientist - Telegraph I know...I read a recent study where women have begun to grow penises as well.... Whatever... I dont wear my emotions on my sleeve and I am not a girlyman..And I dont give a shyt about the political correctness of it...Im not bowing to some ideals of people that think that all men and women have to be the same..Its bullshyt spewed by idealistic "gender nuetral" morons...We arent the same..Period... TFY Edited March 8, 2014 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 All those "attempts" by women are simply for attention, cry for help, etc. Men succeed more because they actually wanted to die. The is unsubtantiated mind-reading crap. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I pity the women who try to share a life with men who think so little of women. I do not find vulnerability weak or unattractive. Bitterness and victimhood on the other hand... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I agree with TFOY. I literally had my idealistic moronity beaten out of me as a child. Great life lesson for any young man. Peer integration and later social interactions with women supported those lessons. Exception! If a woman is attracted to (in love with) a man, he'll benefit from that attraction in ways like sympathy and support, with the strength of that dynamic turning upon the level of attraction. The closer the attraction level is to the tip-over point, the easier it is for any demonstrated vulnerabilities to cause it to exceed that point, at which time the benefits end. This is another reason to develop and maintain strong attraction, even when in a supposedly committed relationship like a marriage. These days options are many and divorce is easy. Where did I learn this? From MW's who left their H's due to 'lack of support' and 'marital abandonment' and 'insensitivity', etc, etc. , which addresses the first sentence of the OP's posting, that being the hurdles men are compelled to aspire to launching over. Bottom line is life isn't fair and that's OK! Link to post Share on other sites
WP4046 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 women who are attracted to men who are perfect which is why eharmony and match.com will always be in business Link to post Share on other sites
WP4046 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I had that problem with my wife when I was caregiving. As a result I told her, directly, that 'there's me and there's God and that's the only entity I feel I can talk to' so I did and got rid of her. Feel much better now. Save for a few glaring exceptions, my historical life experience in general, with thousands of women, mirrors the OP. In general, they love a man to be sensitive to their issues but not sensitive to his own. I saw what that did to my father, killing him before his time due to unhealthy choices in how to cope with that, so now choose to be alone. Perhaps that doesn't solve the support issue but at least I don't have to listen to their problems and drag myself into that maelstrom. Done! what would happen when you would try to talk with her? She appeared like she didn't care? Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I know...I read a recent study where women have begun to grow penises as well.... Whatever... I dont wear my emotions on my sleeve and I am not a girlyman..And I dont give a shyt about the political correctness of it...Im not bowing to some ideals of people that think that all men and women have to be the same..Its bullshyt spewed by idealistic "gender nuetral" morons...We arent the same..Period... TFY I don't think anybody's saying you have to. The thing is that for women reading a thread like this...the message within basically seems to be "men don't get emotional support, we're not allowed to show our feelings and therefore we're more likely to kill ourselves. And it's down to women for not being more supportive and not making it safer for us to discuss our feelings." So although you don't want to wear our emotions on your sleeve, TFY, it's obvious that there are quite a few men out there who are very keen to. So, women talk about trying to make it easier for them to do just that, if that's what they want. However then it's all "ah, but women won't fancy us if get too tearful too often". One minute we're all heartless harpies who won't let men cry and emote. The next we're smothering, infantilising emasculators hell bent on ensuring that men never leave the house without a packet of Kleenex in one hand and a My Little Pony toy in the other. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 what would happen when you would try to talk with her? She appeared like she didn't care? 'What do you want me to do about it?' was the most common response, at least from the woman I married. Others varied from indifference to changing the subject, with the worst becoming a contest in which they sought to win 'the person who has it worst in life'. However! There was one rare exception and I outlined it here on LS a number of years ago, regarding my best friend's CEO's wife. She was wonderful! So, if her H ever talks smack about her, he gets an earful from me! Sincerely, it boils down to how they feel and that's how it is. One can wade in the river against the flow or go with the flow. We do have choices! Link to post Share on other sites
Under The Radar Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Jesus, this thread is depressing. Maybe I was born the wrong gender . On the bright side, at least I can do 3 pullups ...... 4 if I get a boost . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NGC1300 Posted March 8, 2014 Author Share Posted March 8, 2014 The is unsubtantiated mind-reading crap. Oh come on. You think anyone, male or female, who genuinely wants to exit the world, isn't going to pick an assured method? Taking some pills or cutting yourself, only to be found out, is nothing more than attention seeking. Link to post Share on other sites
Under The Radar Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 For any sensitive guys out there (I am, in fact, one of them) Kleenex Brand makes tissues now with built in lotion. As you wipe away the tears it also serves as an incredibly effective moisturizer for dry skin ...... highly recommended. I don't cry often, but when I do, they are second to none ...... keeping my face smooth and wrinkle free. Last Free Tip Guys: You'll live longer, with a much higher degree of happiness, if you avoid unempathetic women. There are ladies in the world, I assure you, who will not abandon a man because he sheds tears sometimes. Just sayin ...... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Oh come on. You think anyone, male or female, who genuinely wants to exit the world, isn't going to pick an assured method? Taking some pills or cutting yourself, only to be found out, is nothing more than attention seeking. You are wrong. And for someone who is whining about a lack of compassion, YOU seem to possess zero. Maybe THAT is the problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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