A Former OM's Retrospective

[Clemenza]

I was the OM in an A, to varying degrees, for about a year (May 2012 to May 2013). It's been a little over a year since the 2nd D-Day, which prompted me to write a few days ago. Sorry if this is TL;DR, but it could offer an interesting perspective.

 

 

The second D-Day was less dramatic and jarring than the first, but it was maybe slightly more surprising. I thought they were getting a divorce, and that I was pretty much free to communicate with her without it being a violation of marital boundaries. It certainly laid much of the foundation for what was a pretty rough year. Instead of ignoring my feelings for someone, it almost forced me to confront those feelings and make a decision. I thought I made a decision in April (2013), but that turned out to be one out of a sense obligation, rather than what I wanted. I told her it wouldn't work between us. I tried to rectify that "mistake" in May, but it was too late. They decided to reconcile. Since I've had distance from the situation, I've felt worse about my role in everything. I don't know that "regret" is the correct word, but I do feel bad about how it impacted everyone. I don't regret forming a bond with someone, one that I can say was genuine, but I do feel bad for acting on it. In a way, it does haunt me. I've had dreams about it as recently as last week, and I'm always remorseful in the dream. I don't think I'm a bad person, I think I'm a good person who made a poor choice. Nor do I think she's a bad person. She just made a bad choice. Looking back, I justified everything with love. That was quite selfish, and it led me to neglect human decency.

 

I think I can honestly say, now, that I hope their marriage is stronger than ever. I hope the situation was the jolt that they needed to work on things. Because, and I think her H would agree, their problems weren't about me. That relationship was cracked before she met me. I hate to paint myself as some sort of relationship martyr, but maybe my actions served as a starting point for a stronger marriage. This is all very idealistic, but possible. Though, my gut tells me that this isn't the case. She told me two weeks ago that she still isn't happy with her life. She's expressed concerns about our dynamic, which we honestly don't have outside of a few chance bump-ins. She still thinks about me all the time. I just don't see the demeanor of a woman who is happily reconciling her marriage. That makes me feel bad because I care about her happiness. I also feel bad for him. Nobody should be with someone who is there begrudgingly. I suspect that he knows she's not fully into it, but he's looking the other way because he doesn't want his family to crumble. It's probably ridiculous for me to even haven an opinion, though, because I don't know what I'd do in that situation. And I'm just the a-hole who interfered with their relationship. Ultimately, I just wish for them and their daughter to be happy. Whatever that entails.

 

As far as I go, I've come a long way over the past year. Especially from 9 months ago, when I was at rock bottom. I'm at peace with myself. I'm at peace with my relationship, or lack thereof, with her. And I know it was rooted in love, and that makes part of me feel good. Though it can be frustrating, I'm at peace with the understanding that I'll love and be loved like that again. I'm putting myself out there more. Even though my last dating experience ended in a whimper, I enjoyed the fact that I was able to be truly optimistic about dating again. That's a great feeling, and reflects an element of inner-peace that I didn't have last May. I think I'm at the point in which I can look back at last year's events as a learning experience, and not as a tragedy or crisis. I'm able to see it more objectively, and that was one of my goals when I started counseling in May. It's those types of victories on which I need to latch. I managed to dig myself out of a pretty dark hole. It's been a hell of a personal accomplishment. I'm a good, albeit introspective, person and positive things will happen for me. I just need to continue putting in the work and opening myself up.

[gettingstronger]

Cheers to a happier, healthier you!

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think trying to spin your involvement as you helping their marriage is dangerous. If you don't view that you had any fault in any issues that their marriage had/has, how do you now take credit for any work that they might have done to improve it? How did you help? What specifically did you do that was positive? Is being in contact as little as two weeks ago a good thing? Is that you really (through actions) wanting their family to stay intact?

 

Keep the focus on you. Who you want to be. How you want to go through this life. What is healthy for you. Keep moving forward. Well done on the work you have done to date.

[Clemenza]

I think trying to spin your involvement as you helping their marriage is dangerous. If you don't view that you had any fault in any issues that their marriage had/has, how do you now take credit for any work that they might have done to improve it? How did you help? What specifically did you do that was positive? Is being in contact as little as two weeks ago a good thing? Is that you really (through actions) wanting their family to stay intact?

 

We have to see each other sometimes for work. There's really no way around that. She'll text me out of the blue every now and then. It's been a long time since I've initiated anything with her. She'll send me a text and then disappear for a few weeks.

 

I think an affair can sometimes force the couple to really confront problems in the marriage that they may have been avoiding. I'm not giving myself credit because helping their marriage wasn't my intent. My intent was rooted in selfishness. I was just hoping that something positive for them could have come out of the situation. I didn't mean to spin it like I did some wonderful thing. What I did was far from it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

We have to see each other sometimes for work. There's really no way around that. She'll text me out of the blue every now and then. It's been a long time since I've initiated anything with her. She'll send me a text and then disappear for a few weeks.

 

I think an affair can sometimes force the couple to really confront problems in the marriage that they may have been avoiding. I'm not giving myself credit because helping their marriage wasn't my intent. My intent was rooted in selfishness. I was just hoping that something positive for them could have come out of the situation. I didn't mean to spin it like I did some wonderful thing. What I did was far from it.

 

 

I understand you wanting to feel something positive happened in their relationship. The problem is....it isn't yours to own. It is theirs. You did nothing positive in their relationship. It was all destructive. Continuing to discuss their relationship, even if she is the one reaching out, is you still being involved in their relationship negatively.

 

Your positives are the work you have done. They are all yours to own, and you should take great pride in your accomplishments.

 

Having work only contact and discussing personal issues are two very different things. As long as you engage (passively listening, sounding board, asking questions, responding, having an opinion) you are still the OM.

 

It is possible to have work only contact. You have to set your boundaries and be willing to enforce them.

[Clemenza]

I do not discuss her relationship with her. Whatever I inferred about their relationship was based on the fact that she still tries to contact me. I have no real idea how strong or weak their relationship is. I'm only assuming she's not fully into it because she still text messages me. I'm not a sounding board for her. I'm not anything. I usually don't reply to her texts, and when I do it's just "it's nothing personal. I wish you nothing but the best." This is when she expresses an element of hurt because I've distanced myself so much.

 

I do understand that even that type of short response may not be the best idea. For some reason, I feel the need to make it clear to her that we cannot even have a friendship like we had before the affair started.

[carhill]

OP, thanks for your retrospective...

 

Can I ask, one fOM to another, how did you *feel* when involved in your most recent dating experience? Did you feel you could immerse in that and enjoy the person you were with or ?? and why?

 

Do you feel you have any 'unfinished business' with your former affair partner? Why or why not?

 

If you had to point to one life lesson you gained from this experience, what would it be? Why? Since you do find yourself to interact with your fAP on occasion, how does that lesson play out in those interactions?

 

Do you find MW's approaching you more or less these days? When interacting with women, do you spot the MW signs more quickly now?

 

Sorry for the questions but IME, especially in the MC process, questions provide opportunities for clarity. Congratulations on your successes so far!

[Clemenza]

OP, thanks for your retrospective...

 

Can I ask, one fOM to another, how did you *feel* when involved in your most recent dating experience? Did you feel you could immerse in that and enjoy the person you were with or ?? and why?

 

Do you feel you have any 'unfinished business' with your former affair partner? Why or why not?

 

If you had to point to one life lesson you gained from this experience, what would it be? Why? Since you do find yourself to interact with your fAP on occasion, how does that lesson play out in those interactions?

 

Do you find MW's approaching you more or less these days? When interacting with women, do you spot the MW signs more quickly now?

 

Sorry for the questions but IME, especially in the MC process, questions provide opportunities for clarity. Congratulations on your successes so far!

 

Awesome questions!

 

- For the first time since I've tried to date after being involved in the A, I felt like I could totally immerse myself in enjoying someone's company. I was all about trying to get to know this person. I was also optimistic about it, which is rare. It fizzled, but I can truly say I was completely in the moment and didn't feel like I had some cloud hanging over me. I tried to date soon after the affair ended, but my mind and heart weren't into it. I had to work on myself a little more. I have a couple of friends who want to set me up with their co-worker, and I said yes. I'm optimistic about meeting new people, and genuinely look forward to what the future holds. To add context, I'm 32-years old.

 

- I don't feel like I have unfinished business with my xMW. As far as I'm concerned, our relationship ran it's course and I'm on to new experiences. I feel like I got enough closure last year, and the therapy process was more about helping me move on and examine issues within myself.

 

- As far as a life lesson to be learned from all of this, that's kind of tough. I think a big one is that other people can be seriously effected by my actions, no matter how I try to justify them. I would like to think that I'm more conscious about taking other people's feelings and lives into account. Being the OM was completely selfish. There's just no way around that. I want to conduct myself like a decent person, and not like a self-interested jerk. I don't think this particular lesson impacts the few interactions I need to have xMW. I conduct myself like I'm all business when I'm around her. I think that's unnerving to her, but it's just what needs to happen. There's no longing or anything on my end. It's like encountering an ex that you've gotten over.

 

- I'm not sure that I totally understand the last question, but I'll take a stab at it. If you're asking me if that specific MW approaches me more or less these days, the answer is far less. She knows that our dynamic needs to be a certain way, so she follows suit for the most part. She has moments of weakness, I guess. But there's more of an understanding. MW in general have not approached me since then. I don't know that I've been in the position to spot the traits of my xMW in other women. I guess I would look to see if the woman would be escaping something by wanting to be with me. I don't need to be an exit strategy for anyone. I need someone to want to be with me for more genuine reasons. The exit strategy thing wasn't 100% why xMW wanted me, but it was a big factor I'm sure.

Edited March 9, 2014 by Clemenza

[carhill]

MW in general have not approached me since then. I don't know that I've been in the position to spot the traits of my xMW in other women. I guess I would look to see if the woman would be escaping something by wanting to be with me.

 

My question was designed to solicit whether you've noted yourself being a 'MW magnet' and apparently you haven't so that particular potential isn't on your plate. Good to read and thank you for the rest of the responses!

 

Interestingly, age 32 was just about the time I finally said my goodbyes after about eight years of interaction, albeit with some unfinished business. Good to read that isn't a feature for yourself. Good luck in your future pursuits!