When child asks about divorce?

[M30USA]

My 6 year old just asked me, "Why did you want to divorce mommy?"

 

I guess this is what he's being fed by her and her family. She is the one who petitioned for the divorce. She is the one who was arrested for assaulting me and moved back to her parents' town right after. The only thing I did was refuse to reconcile with an abuser without an apology. There was no apology and still hasnt been one to date (not that I care anymore or expect one). So I think it's ridiculous that my sons are being fed the idea that daddy is the one who left the family.

 

How would you guys handle this one? I just said, "Your mom hasn't told you everything. You will understand as you get older. All I can say is your mom and dad couldn't agree on important things. But I love you so much and wish I could spend every single day with you still."

Edited March 8, 2014 by M30USA

[ASG]

I think you handled it well. Don't think I would have put it better. A 6 year old is still to young to understand certain nuances and there is no need to give them all the details.

 

"mom and dad couldn't agree on important things" is one of the best answers you can give in this case.

[Musubi]

My therapist also said to say "It's not your fault" each time kids ask about divorce.

 

You handled it well.

[M30USA]

My therapist also said to say "It's not your fault" each time kids ask about divorce.

 

You handled it well.

 

That is so true! By saying it's not their fault, you're really getting to the heart of their unasked question: "Did I cause this?" As adults we often think the kid wants an explanation about who was wrong, etc, but kids don't think like that.

[TAV]

That is so true! By saying it's not their fault, you're really getting to the heart of their unasked question: "Did I cause this?" As adults we often think the kid wants an explanation about who was wrong, etc, but kids don't think like that.

 

Agreed! Say it a million times if you have to. And let him know he is still your number one and always will be. Good luck for the future and well done for being the voice of reason in what sounds like a rocky divorce.

[RightThere]

With my daughter, I tried to empathize a lot too.

 

"I know this must be really hard. It's hard for dad too."

 

I found it helped my daughter (4 years old) to know that what she was feeling was normal and that I felt it too.

 

Definitely do not talk bad about their mom. At that age it serves no purpose other than to confuse them Right now their world is you and their mom. That's it. They don't need the truth right now. Even in their teenage years I'd be reluctant to disclose everything as being a teenage is hard enough.

[M30USA]

well done for being the voice of reason in what sounds like a rocky divorce.

 

The grandparents (ex inlaws) believe they fulfill that role. They've always wanted to get their hands on my children, even during the marriage. My ex-wife even knew this and complained about it then. Now, of course, she lets them do that because she can't handle not having a workhorse husband around. Her parents drive them to school, pick them up from school, watch them constantly and cook several meals per week for them. During my marriage, ex-mil made comment to my then 4-year old, "*sigh*... You'll survive them, sweetie." I will never forget that.

[jwi71]

My 6 year old just asked me, "Why did you want to divorce mommy?"

 

Ugh. I remember when mine asked that.

 

I guess this is what he's being fed by her and her family. She is the one who petitioned for the divorce. She is the one who was arrested for assaulting me and moved back to her parents' town right after. The only thing I did was refuse to reconcile with an abuser without an apology. There was no apology and still hasnt been one to date (not that I care anymore or expect one). So I think it's ridiculous that my sons are being fed the idea that daddy is the one who left the family.

 

Suck it up. Because you CAN'T change the xW's narrative. She will tell what she will - and there is SQUAT you can do about it. So let it go. The ONLY thing you CAN do - is prove her WRONG over time with YOUR actions - both towards the child (or children), most especially your xW, and all you come in contact with. You will EXPOSE the lie through slow action - like water eroding the rock - that your children can SEE. And not today or next week or even this decade will it change. But it will. Your children are NOT stupid. Over time they will SEE that what mommy says and what daddy DOES do NOT align. They aren't stupid. They'll, sadly, figure it out. Sadly because - well, it is for them to see their mother like that. To have them question all she has said. To SEE the truth - to REMEMBER how YOU acted and behaved in light of what SHE said.

 

Prepare yourself for that day. It will come.

"Your mom hasn't told you everything.

 

Do you REALLY expect a 6 year old to fully process and understand that and its implications? Of course not. All you DID was confuse him. Make him question, at 6, his mother. Its setting the foundation of you against the xW with him as the pawn. Seriously - what did you expect to gain? How does that HELP your son? It only helped you.

 

You MUST NEVER speak ill of their mother in their presence. You will refute her venom and lies with ACTION.

 

I, clearly, would have omitted that. It served NO purpose to helping the child.

 

You will understand as you get older.

 

More of the same. Setting the stage of you vs her. Corralling the kids into place of picking one over the other. Your side of the story vs hers.

 

To me, a far better way is to refute her lies with action.

I would NEVER even speak to them. I'll let what I DO speak for me.

 

All I can say is your mom and dad couldn't agree on important things. But I love you so much and wish I could spend every single day with you still."

 

Not bad. Neutral. And reaffirms the boy.

 

Honestly - I would have merely said

 

"I love you with all my heart and I'm sorry for all this. I promise it has nothing to do with my love for you at all. Perhaps, when you are older, we can talk more. Ok? But for now - just know that your mother and I love you so very much."

 

For me - it says nothing negative about mom, reaffirms the boy is loved by BOTH, and has an invitation for talking later.

 

That's EXACTLY how I handled it. It took a few years but my xWW's crap subsided. Kids are fine.

 

I am clearly wary of creating mom vs dad. We can't control her so we control ourselves - and we REFUSE to play her games. We expose her lies by acting the exact opposite of what she claims. And, in time, your sons will discover the truth as well - and see you as you have always been - a positive in their world. But it takes time, p[patience and self-control.

 

Just my thoughts.

[M30USA]

Thanks for your thoughts. I think I'm handling this very well and people who I respect say the same. If I were not, they would tell me. That's why I respect them.

Edited April 9, 2014 by M30USA