dice974 Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 My wife and I have been married two years. Lately she has a friend (female) she works with. Any time the friend wants to do anything she immediately goes out with her. An example, I will ask her to go to a certain resturant and she will say no. If her friend calls five minutes later, she wants to go. She wanted to go with her friend on a girls "only" trip to Cancun. I told her I didn't mind but could she wait until may or june so we could take our family trip in march which is only eight weeks away (we can't afford to do both). A week later she announced she was leaving for Cancun with her friend. I feel like going on vacation with her friend is more important than taking a trip with her family. Should I be angry? I'm sure her and her friend are just friends. Thanks ahead of time for the responses just needed to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I'd be angry if I were you. Have you met the new friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dice974 Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Yes I have. Over all she is OK, but the thing that bothers me, is she has a boyfriend that is married, whom she met at a swingers party! So not the best travelling mate. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Well, "birds of a feather..." I don't envy the position you're in. Good luck, bro. Link to post Share on other sites
SadAndLonely Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Tell your wife to have fun and tell her you're going to Cozamel or Aruba or something while she's gone with some "friends". Then actually go. Start hanging out with others. Eventually she's going to either get tired of it, or tell you what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dice974 Posted January 25, 2005 Author Share Posted January 25, 2005 I really trust my wife I don't think anything is going on. She has been working 60 hour work weeks. It just ticks me off that she couldn't wait until summer to go. She works with her friend and they only go out once a week for a couple of hours (I'm always invited). Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Originally posted by dice974 I really trust my wife I don't think anything is going on. She has been working 60 hour work weeks. It just ticks me off that she couldn't wait until summer to go. She works with her friend and they only go out once a week for a couple of hours (I'm always invited). I don't think you should be angry, dice974.... Going out with her friend once a week for a couple of hours is NOT excessive. And if your wife has been working 60 hour work weeks, I'm betting that she feels she needs a break very soon...and remember summer is rainy season in Mexico - maybe she wants to avoid that. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Seriously, your wife's lack of interest in doing things with you and enthusiasm for doing things with her "swinger" girlfriend indicates that she is not being faithful to you. I take it that you have to realize that she and that friend are not into the scuba diving opportunities of this tropical vacation? they are likely crusing for male companionship or they are sweet on each other. Stop being a chump! Show some spine and confront her. If she wants to take off for mexico without you and you two cannot afford a vacation together, then that is wrong, wrong, wrong. I am sorry you have this situation. One thing though. Please be honest with yourself. You do not trust her. You want to trust her, but the evidence before you screams at you to not trust her--for cause! Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Sorry, dice, I agree. She is putting this person before the family and no one should come before the family as a whole. If she is inviting you to come along with her friend on their nights out, I would take her up on it a few times, better yet, are you two still going out alone together? The grass may be looking greener on her single friend's side of the fence....make sure you two are still connecting in a fun way. Talk talk talk to her. Express how you really feel in a caring way so she doesn't feel like you are just trying to control her or are jealous of her new friend. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
mt_joy Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Confront her. Something is going on. Everyone needs down time, but she is consistently putting this friend over her family. Something is up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dice974 Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 When I say she goes out with her friend, she stops at a restaurant\bar that is a block from the house after work for about a hour once a week so it's not like she's out till midnight. She always calls and says they are stoping for a drink and dinner and I'm always invited. Her friend claims she doesn't swing anymore she did before she got divorced and that was one of the reasons for the divorce. It just ticks me off that she put going with her friend before going on vacation with me and her son. She has been gone for three days and she hasn't even called. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 i didn't realize she already went. Sheesh! Is this boy your son as well? You didn't write "our son." Doesn't she have a cell phone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dice974 Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 He is my stepson. I just took him up to see his grandpa and we snowmobiled for two days. Like I said I trust her it's not like she ever goes out for four or five hours. She will go out for dinner and a drink once a week (for about 1 - 2 hours). Her grilfriends boyfriend is usually invited so 70% of the time I am there at dinner with everyone. It just kind of ticks me off that she put the friend before family and then doesn't even call. I don't think her cell phone would work in Mexico. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Hey, call her on that cellphone. hey II, don't keep trying to minimize this, it doesn't make it go away, ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
herbalyyys Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 well having a quickie doesnt take a whole bunch of hours...anyhow.... why dont you ask her up front whats going on? sounds to me from what YOU have said that her and her girlfriend have a little mutual mambo going on.i mean c'mon-she already left for a vacation and dumped her own son on you...shows she trusts you, but are you being too much of Mr.Mom,and not enough of The Rock ? and whats up with she doesnt even consider a family vacation?sounds to me like deeper problems than just her needing a break from you...you should really approach her about it and see if there are underlying problems/interests you two can work out.Or if she'd rather work them out with her friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dice974 Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 Like I said I really do trust her. We all work together so I know when she leaves. To be fair she tried to get her mom to go and her sister-inlaw. Her mom had problems with her birth certificate and couldn't get a passport in time, I know that for a fact I was with them when she was trying to get it. Her sister inlaw just started a new job and backed out. She has been very stressed about her job. Her friend is her assistant nurse manager or was, she just quit to take a regular nurses job. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 I find it interesting that you bring up nonimportant information when pressed to express any sort of agitation about what is going on. Wake up man! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dice974 Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 What I meant was this at first wasn't just my wife and her friend going, but a group of girls. Like I said my problem isn't if she cheating I really don't think she is, apparently I'm not getting that point across. It's that she would rather go with the girls than me and her son on vacation. I understand everyone needs their space. I was OK with her going later in the summer I just wanted to go on our family vacation in March because that is when my stepson's spring break is. Now we have to wait until late summer to go. That is my frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Oh we get it. her selfishness ranges from choosing girls time ( a cop out if I ever heard one), to infidelity via cruising the vacation spot bar scene. See, she is not a single girl on the go anymore. She's a married woman with a child and the two of you have limited time and resources for recreation. So she works a lot of hours? Big deal! I do that all the time, so do I get to run off to Fiji now? It's either that or pay for my kid's next year in college. Hmmm, what to do, what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dice974 Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 That is a good point. She gets back Friday. I think I will leave with a buddy this weekend to go skiing and think things threw. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 This thread is starting to become something it shouldn't.....the responses are from others encouraging you to develop major mistrust towards your wife. I worked years for a corporation, and became friends with dozens of married, hard-working women who were stressed to the max due to heavy workload, and they really welcomed a couple of hours spent weekly have a drink or grabbing a bite to eat. The conversations involved shop-talk, office gossip, sometimes personal stuff like : their prior life experiences before they married...certainly none of them envied my single status. And a couple of them would go on yearly vacations (sans spouse) with a group of their girl friends (mostly single)...it was just to soak up a few rays, nothing more, just a much-needed stress break. Maybe you don't have a clear understanding of the importance of female friendships...it's about us sharing, and gabbing about topics that would bore you to tears.....and there's NO way in hell that a happily married woman is going to be influenced by the lifestyle of a girl friend of hers who happens to be single. She did not cancel your family vacation - just postponed it a couple of months. Did you have a blow-out just before her trip, is that why she hasn't called in 3 days? I can't help question the general state of your marriage...I've noticed that many posters (particularly men, I'm sorry to say) vent about a singular wrong-doing/misdeed/incident, when in fact - that is not even the real issue! It's all about what lead up previously, to this. I think there might be other issues going on in your marriage that you have not revealed to us...why else would you be so angry about her going to Mexico for a week?....my married girl friend's husbands were a hundred times cooler about it than you are...... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 What's up with the tar and feathers? It sounds like a problem in basic communications to me. She isn't demonstrating a clear understanding of his need for fiscal responsibility. She's not listening constructively and following through with actions. She is possibly ignoring his need for closeness, and partnership in family decisions. But there doesn't seem to be any evidence of nefarious deeds. These folks need to talk.....and listen to each other. It sounds like she's avoiding perceived controls on her by her husband. (I'M NOT SAYING HE'S CONTROLLING! So don't all go there at once. ) But it's possible that she could be acting out in fear of that, maybe stemming from a previous relationship. (????) Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Besides the bad communication going on, the dissing of the spring vacation idea with HER SON AND HER HUSBAND, and fiscal problem of her jaunt imposing on the family finances. There is the idea of a "fried green tomatoes" female bonding time. Sure, that would ring true if the gals all really showed up. That is malarkey, there was not group trip! It's just his wife and the swinger girl AND NO CALLS HOME about the scenery. You can bet there will be no photos of snorkelling with the dolphins from this lady. The problem is not the weekly "bull" sessions with the fellow nurses. It is the lack of respect for her different life as a married person than as single people live. If I have to explain that difference to you, then you are single. They are married. If she needs a female bonding moment why an expensive trip to the tropics sans husband and kid? Can't she get that without introducing financial hardship and promoting excellent reasons for distrust? The distance, the lack of calls, the $$$, the hanging out with a woman who has a sexually open history, and so on. This is no girls bonding as a group thing in the tropics. It's two gals having a hell of a time away from their responsibilities in as many ways possible. Now if she comes back with pix of the ruins, the inside of old churches, and a salt-watered cell phone, I'll stand corrected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dice974 Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 Thanks for the input everyone. She will probably not come back with pictures as this is her 10th time to Cancun. Most before we got married, I've been with her to Cancun twice since we have been married. This is were she likes to vacation. I don't think I'm controlling. When she asked to go I told her that would be great could she wait until summer. Then she left any ways. We had a small tift before she left (more of me not saying much of anything). I just felt she put her friend ahead of her family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dice974 Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 Thanks Jellybeen for your input. You say "my married girl friend's husbands were a hundred times cooler about it than you are......". Like I said I had no problem with her going I just wish that me and my stepson would come first and her friend would come second. How would she feel if I told her I was leaving with my guy friends to Jamaica and she said that it would be OK, could I just wait until may so we could take our family vacation in eight weeks, then a week later I get on a plane and leave with my friends and not even call her??? Maybe I'm over reacting? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts