Trying to Salvage an Important Friendship

[ornlu]

I'm not really sure which category would be best for this, but I guess this is the closest.

 

So seven years ago I met this girl online. Over time we became really close friends. Early into our friendship we both went through very rough times and helped each other out. It wasn't long before I developed feelings for her. However, I've had a lot of issues with friends in the past. Two had died in car crashes, one killed herself, and when I was really young every friend I made moved away a few months later. This was all by 7th grade, and I met this girl in 8th grade. So for a long time it's been difficult for me to make friends because I've always pushed them away since I didn't want to lose them.

 

So I didn't 't want to tell my only friend that I liked her and lose my only real friendship. However, six years had passed and I really fell for her. By this point I went to college for EMT. Having such strong feeling for this girl it became increasingly difficult to not say anything. She would be the only friend I have to talk to about these feelings, but I still didn't want to so I wouldn't hurt the relationship. At the same time, I really wanted out of the friend zone at this point. So I took the advice the internet always gives for these sort of situations and confessed to her. That was my first mistake. That alone really damaged our friendship, so I left it at that.

 

(This may get confusing, I almost finished the post but my web browser crashed, so I don't really know where I am in the story anymore)

 

However, upon completing EMT I realized I kind of like medicine and I graduated at the top of my class and have a high IQ, so I figured I'd go into medicine. However, I have never been much of a fan of the American school system, so I wanted to go to Europe for medical school. First, I looked at the UK, unfortunately I missed the boat with them, applications had been closed out. Coincidentally, the only other European medical school that was still accepting applications and had medical school in English (first half, anyway) was in the same city she was studying in.

 

So I planned on going to this school for one year (maybe longer if I really liked it) and then transferring to the UK to finish school. Even though I don't believe in the supernatural, stupid me wanted to take this as a sign. I was finally on the right track for career and finally meeting the girl of my dreams.

 

Unfortunately, I grew up in a bubble of a town. Most everyone there is a doctor or something of equal prestige. I also never travel and rarely even left my room. My only "traveling" was for volleyball and modeling (but I had just started modeling so I only ever went to two cities with that, and very briefly).

 

Needless to say, Europe was a big cultural shock for me. I hadn't planned as much as I should have and had no idea what I was doing. The only support I had in all of this was my friend. Unfortunately I saw her when I flew in briefly (she walked me to my hostel) but she was so busy it was nearly two weeks later before I saw her again.

 

It's pretty English friendly here, but not knowing the language is still a hindrance. Plus, everything is so different, I had no idea what to do. I also had no phone at the time because I needed a new SIM card for the area and had no Wifi until a week later when I rented a room.

 

After being here a while, I was still confused, I was becoming increasingly more scared (I get panic attacks at the thought of interacting with people, but I was so clueless and without my friend or internet I had to ask a lot of questions). Plus, I was all alone and was just out of place so I became pretty lonely. Also, being here and not in my bubble of doctors, I realized I didn't want to pursue a medical career. I just did it because I could, and therefore I sort of thought I had to. People here aren't so work oriented and didn't really live by the concept of "Keeping up with the Jones'" So I wanted to go back to America and do something I thought I would really like, even though it wouldn't really pay well.

 

By this point I had my room, I had been here for 1.5 weeks and started to feel a little home sick on top of everything. Luckily, in a few days my friend said she would have some free time (about an hour). Well.. Being so scared, lonely, confused, home sick, and now changing life plans completely, I was sort of in a low spot. I really needed someone, but this girl is all I have and she was busy. So I decided to write her a letter, at least I could pretend she was there. This was my biggest mistake of all.

 

I wrote about 10 pages (front and back) explaining absolutely everything. What was going on, how I felt about her, everything. I thought about not giving it to her when I was done, but I already told her about it.. Well I went to meet her, and first thing I did was finally give her a bunch of gifts I brought from America. At this point she knew I wanted to go home, so I asked her if she could give me a gift to remember her by, which she said she would the next time we saw each other... Then I gave her the letter. I didn't expect her to read it so soon...

 

After reading the letter she said she didn't feel comfortable seeing me again. Which.. I sort of understood, but I had been waiting so long to see her. I really needed someone. So I asked her if she would for me. She still said "no." Now that literally everything possible had gone wrong.. I started to fall apart. So I basically begged her. No response. Then I asked if I could at least still get the gift. No response. I asked if I could at least see her to say good bye before I leave - I would most likely never see her again, no response.

 

Now I was completely desperate, so I managed to become even dumber. I started guilt tripping the one person I care about on this planet. I mentioned our long lasting friendship, how we helped each other get through a tough time, how over the years I've always been there for her in everything and between that first incident and now, I never asked anything of her. I just needed a friend. Still no response.

 

After a couple of days of crying, I needed something to get my mind off of everything. Which is difficult because everything about this place I associate with her. So despite trying to avoid people my whole life and hating alcohol, I went to a bar and drank.. a lot. I met a guy who I had a few conversations with and then he took me to a club. So I drank more. Finally we called it quits. On my way home, at 5:00 A.M. sharp, a man on a bike came up to me and started flirting with me. He quickly got aggressive and pinned me on a fence. And kept feeling me up. Finally I got away and quickly walked away, but then he grabbed me. So I twisted around and broke his grip and kept walking. The guy then pulled a gun on me, so I kept inching away. Eventually he went back to get his bike since I had made it about a block down the street. The gun wasn't silenced and he was clearly drunk, so I figured I'd be fine if I ran, so I did. (Keep in mind, I have no service here without wifi, so I couldn't call the cops). Unfortunately I couldn't run far, the alcohol and clubbing really caught up with me. The guy found me again. Luckily a girl walked by and I sort of followed her and started talking to her, then he backed off. I told her what happened and walked with her most of the way home. We got close to my street and still didn't see him so I figured it would be fine to part ways. When I got to my street, though, a car pulled up behind me and stopped. I kept walking, it came up again and stopped. It did that until I got to my room, and drove off when I went in.

 

I don't want any advice on that, I have no idea what the car looked like and I can easily recognize people when I see them, but I am useless at describing people. I'm just staying in and should be fine getting to the airport and should be fine at home.

 

The reason why I bring it up is because this girl is still all I have. So even though she is ignoring me, I told her about it. She still didn't respond. And no, I have not been blocked. Granted, that doesn't mean she read it, but later I made sure the key points of potential rape and murder would make the banner part on her phone.

 

I had told her that when I get home, I plan on not talking to her for a while so I can move on, so it's probably just the blind optimist inside me, but maybe she is ignoring me to help with that. And maybe she thinks I'm just trying to get attention with that message. Why would she keep me a Facebook friend and not block me on WhatsApp?

 

I just don't know where I stand with her, and I really miss being friends with her. She really use to be an amazing friend.. I'd really like to salvage the friendship... Any advice would be appreciated.

[justwhoiam]

I guess I'd like to receive a 10-page letter from a friend. Not to mention from a lover........

 

That said, I'm not sure what the content was, and what exactly made her push you away. She already knew you had feelings for her.

 

We know nothing about this 20 year old girl either.

 

I think you said what you had to say. Now don't do anything anymore. Give her time. Time to think, ponder, evaluate.

 

I don't know how attached you were to each other, nor the frequency of your communications. If you could go a month without hearing from her, it'd be weird now to ask for more than that.

 

So let time go by and see if she gets back to you. If she's a real friend, she'd be concerned about you and your health. Otherwise she's just some insensitive person.

[TMichaels]

Where are your parents? Who's paying for your schooling? Are your parents not concerned about your welfare? Have you had any professional counseling about your trust and abandonment issues?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[ornlu]

Justwhoiam- That's kind of the thinking I had, but I'm sure I said something (probably more than just one something) I shouldn't have..

 

Well, one thing about it was that it was more in depth. The first time I just sort of mentioned I likes her. The letter explained everything she meant to me. I probably just crossed a line with how I felt.

 

I thought we were both pretty attached. Like I mentioned in the first post, I was there a number of times between the two times I needed her. I would be there to vent and always tried to give her any advice I could. There was about a year when she was really busy and we could only communicate of Facebook, but otherwise sometimes we'd talk once a week, sometimes we'd talk everyday all day. It use to be through a video game when she was in high school, but after that year gap it was through WhatsApp when I got an iPhone.

 

Nonetheless, I really appreciate the response. I've posted this on a couple of sites and I feel like that's been by far the most helpful response for my situation.

 

TMichaels- I am on my own (probably another part of the abandonment issues). I paid for everything myself and was going to get financial aid if I got accepted. I've spoke to them a bit, but no, they aren't really concerned. As for professional counseling, I had a therapist for a little while before I did this, but it was for my social anxiety. Having a friend for seven years that I had thought I would always have, I didn't think my issues would be very relevant.

[TaserTag]

It sounds like you've put way too much pressure on this 'friendship,' and this girl isn't interested in keeping the friendship anymore. The best thing for you to do, for both of you, is to respect her and leave her alone, as she has asked you to do.

 

You cannot guilt someone into liking you or buy their affections.

 

From your story, if I were her, I would honestly be worried that you were stalking me at this point and that you are obsessed.

 

You have placed a lot of demands on this girl, asking her to give you a gift to remember her by (I honestly find this rather creepy in itself, you should not ask someone to give you gifts like this) and continuing to contact her when she has asked you not to and made it clear that she doesn't want to see you.

 

You say that you don't know where you stand with her, but she has made herself very clear, in my opinion. She told you that she doesn't have feelings for you, she said that she doesn't want to see you anymore, and she is now ignoring you.

 

If I understood your post, you are both of the age where you're out of college and starting your careers and establishing yourselves? If you care about her, you should respect her wishes and give her the space that she obviously wants and needs. And you should focus on establishing your career and meeting new people, and look into therapy for your abandonment and boundary issues.

 

I hope this doesn't come off as mean. I am somewhat socially awkward and have c-ptsd, so I understand some of your feelings. I just think that you really need to give this girl space and start focusing on moving on, because she is not going to be your crutch.

Edited March 9, 2014 by TaserTag

[ornlu]

Tasertag- she asked for the gifts since I was coming from America, she wanted some American gifts. When I was giving them to her, I had already decided to go home and she had not yet read the letter. At the point I asked for something to remember her by we were still friends. Additionally she said she wasn't interested in me, but she also said "we'll see" in the past. After the letter though, (before I knew she read it) I told her I was going to check out a nearby city before I go and asked if she would join me. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable with that, and just stopped responding. I understood her not wanting to go with me, but I'd thought she'd at least still talk to me via text. At no point has she told me not to contact her, and as I mentioned before she has not blocked me on WhatsApp and we are still friends on all social media we have.

 

As for establishing myself, I already was. Before things went downhill I had already booked a flight to pursue something back in America which I had told her about.

[VeronicaRoss]

First, I'm really sorry you went through all that hell. Including the ones that made you vulnerable to this situation. It sounds like you didn't learn how to read social clues very well, but you can learn that. Sounds like she was giving you a few, probably more when you told her you were coming over. How did she react?

 

It sounds like you built this relationship into something it really wasn't. You two may not have ever become so close if you lived next door, you may have seen things about her you didn't like that would have made you realize she wasn't trustworthy for example. People can and do hide a ton online.

 

Trust can only be built when we can see someone in action, you really know where they work, who they hang out with, what others think about them based on what you see, not what they're telling you. Are they really who they say they are, do they treat others well? You learn you can depend upon them for things like a broken down car. You slowly increase your sharing. That takes time and real life experience. Bonding emotionally online can be very intense just because it's safe from scrutiny. I got into a LDR in the early days of the web and when I stepped off the plane I realized he was nothing like he said he was. Taught me a lot really fast. Relationships online just aren't 'real', and it's dangerous to get emotionally involved with someone I don't know I can trust in real life.

 

When you showed up after traveling so far and she was not available to see you for 2 weeks, that was your crystal clear sign that friendship wasn't something she wanted in her real life. She would have taken time off to hang out with you, or made more time for such a big friendship event. I have a friend from college that's traveling from her home in Europe this summer and I'm taking the week off from work because I want to hang out with her and have fun.

 

You did the opposite of what you should do when someone backs away (if you knew how to read the sign, you do now). When people are reaching out to you, be honest with them in small doses so you can see their reaction. If they're open to you, you can say more. If they're not, you know what the limits are. If they back off like she did by not spending time with you, introducing her to others, let them go. She responded appropriately, she created strong boundaries and stuck to them.

 

Please go into long-term counseling and see a psych nurse practitioner or psychiatrist -- someone who can evaluate you medically too. You need help learning social clues and how to get a real life going with friends who love and support you. You're smart, brave and clearly have a lot to offer. You just need to learn how to find and integrate into your tribe. School is a great way to do that!

 

The rest of your life was a drag but you're clearly someone who overcomes obstacles. Social skills are just that, you can learn those and overcome situations like this too.

[ornlu]

Veronicaross- she told me she was excited to meet me, but I'm sure I missed something.

 

I know, I'm sure part of the reason why I felt like I could trust her is because she was online.. Easier to ignore things like that.

 

I only saw her when she met me at the airport and then in the park. I didn't see her interact with anyone, but she carried one of my bags and showed me to my hostel. I still feel like she's a good person, but clearly I don't have the best judgement in this.

 

I don't know where you're getting such a positive view from "a lot to offer" but I appreciate the advice. Though I was in therapy for my social anxiety for a while, and I don't think it's really for me. I can't accept a therapist as anything more than an information host and can be very stubborn.