desperate love

[opinionlover]

ok, so I know these things can get long.. and thus boring, it seems impossible to convey the true depth of both love and problems in any relationship with only words, especially in this case. It was both a manic and emotional yet truly passionate relationship, that lasted a year, I made many mistakes but I'm going to try and keep it simple...

 

ME - 29 year old Woman

HER - 41 year old Woman

 

I was in an unhappy long term relationship of five years when I met her (an old acquaintance) at a party.. it had been years since we met and we fell for each other. BOOM, it was that quick. The lust and desire was INTENSE to say the least. I left my old relationship behind, before anything happened, knowing that I needed to be with this woman! She stole my heart instantly and I knew I had hers. It felt perfect and magical. But then I started to make some mistakes.. believing that she should just "know" how I felt about her I lost sight of the importance of protecting the purity of our new relationship and had a few jealousy issues when my ex decided to quickly move on too. This (ofcourse) hurt my new lady. At the time I took her "harsh" and "demanding" attitude as signs of controlling behaviour, not realising that she was simply yearning for me not to ruin such a good thing. I made further mistakes, not realising how they would affect her. I thought my honesty would be enough, but didn't realise that it was my actions that were hurting her. For example one night out a gentleman I was talking to handed me his number, I took it, then threw it away instantly. I told her about this, finding it amusing, but of course quickly came to realise I shouldn't have taken the piece of paper at all. As the months passed her insecurities caused tension, i felt like I was being treated unfairly. Especially as she would often leave my house, or ask me to leave hers, at the first sign of any argument, which i felt she always seemed to cause. This made me feel abandoned and unsure. She regrets this behaviour deeply now and has apologised profusely. However it led to more mistakes by me. After a brief trip away, filled with problems, she ended the relationship, for what seemed like the twentieth time that week, however this time I could tell it was more serious. I was still desperate for us to get back on track and make things work, even though at the time I despaired of her behaviour (all the while not realising it was my actions that had caused it in the first place). I felt like it really was the end. After meeting her and begging for her to make it work she refused and said we needed time apart, which in hindsight i am sure we did. But I felt desperate and hurt. That evening I did the unthinkable and made my BIGGEST mistake ever, I fooled around with a random person in a bar in a drunken state. (we didn't have sex, but other things occurred). It made me feel terrible and dirty. I called my now ex first thing in the morning and begged to see her, she came over, she said she would take me back, i was relieved, but felt anxious. She had a knack for finding things out, but I knew if I told her what had happened I would lose her forever (she had previously told me repeatedly how she would never forgive that sort of behaviour). So I decided not to tell her. Only the following night, she did find out. I tried to deny it at first, which was another huge mistake, but I confessed all within half an hour. She obviously left me there and then, I was heart broken and so disappointed in myself. The next two months were the longest of my life, I chased her endlessly, sometimes being let back in to her life and bed, sometimes not, which was of course dependant on her feelings at the time. It was like a real roller-coaster that left us both emotionally drained. By the end, the one thing that I was sure of was that I had tried my hardest, to no avail, as she called it off for definite again. This was in November, and what i have only just recently realised, is that I should have given her more space, there and then, to deal with the issue and reflect on it, rather than chasing her, but I was desperate not to lose her.

 

Since then we both tried to go N/C but did sporadically stay in touch. We just stopped discussing what had happened, because it seemed to bring back too much emotion for both of us, and she had asked me to move on, so that we could at least try to be friends in the future. She was sure that we could be once I had moved on.

 

So, I did, i accepted the end of our relationship, because it was what she wanted. i had accepted and moved on... that was until we met again on Monday this week. We went out for the day before i went back to her house to spend the night. (bad idea). To simplify things, we flirted, we were obviously still madly attracted to one another, we cuddled, things got a little heated, but we never had sex, she stopped it before we did, stating that it was a bad idea. This connection opened up a whole new flood of emotions and we have discussed them again, tirelessly, for the past 48 hours.

 

She still says that I need to move on as she can not trust me, but that I shouldn't think of it as terminal. She said that she blames the bad things that happened in our relationship on bad timing, and that she can finally move on past what I have done, but that I need to do that too. But I can also tell that she still loves me madly. I can see how much she wants me and that it breaks her heart to tell me no. She has asked me to give her space, because she says that is what we both need to move on... but I have this overwhelming feeling that there is more to it. I would like your opinion.

 

I just wonder ladies and gentlemen, because this is the feeling that I have, is there any chance that this woman is telling me that we need space, because she hopes that with it we can both heal and change and reflect before accepting everything that has happened, that this might stop haunting her, as only then could she ever consider moving forward with me in an entirely new relationship that is not associated with the last. Knowing that if we are ever to TRULY work, then we both need to move on and then meet again, when we are better people that have learned from mistakes. Or does she simply just want me out of her life.

 

I have agreed to let her go, and that I will.. and i know that most of you will think i am mad for even suggesting that she might be considering we could work again one day in the future. But those words came from her mouth... I have seen the way that she looks at me, seen the tears from her frustration of not being able to have me and witnessed the love and reassurance that she has provided me with over the last few days. I know that this woman still loves me, but i know that she wants me to move on and that by trying to keep this alive now I am pushing her away. This is breaking my heart. euuugh