Where are you today in your relationship?

[Lady2163]

Not entirely sure what my xMM wants but I am going to attempt LC platonic friendship with him.

 

Good luck, Popsicle! After the first 7 - 10 days, it got easier and once I told him I was monogamous with boyfriend he was a bit short for a couple of days.

 

We talk and flirt, but the conversation is not as racy as before.

 

It would be better if I had a boyfriend. Next challenge will be when I have a hormone surge.

 

You going to start dating?

[Summer Breeze]

The A lasted about 2 years. We were really happy and when I wanted more than I knew he was willing to give I gave him the ultimatum. He made the choice he always said he would and I knew he would -- so it was done. Almost 5 years later he started sending me emails showing me the D papers he'd filed and pics of his new pad. He kept sending me random emails right up to a few weeks before his D was final and I finally answered.

 

That was over a year ago. Since then he's continued on in his therapy and we've also had CT. As far as kids go, my D was surprisingly the one who struggled most. She didn't want to see me hurt again and had a hard time trusting him. After reading in here I worried his kids would hate me but they were fine. We've spent holidays and vacations as a huge family and when I remember back to the days of the A, it's exactly what I'd barely allowed myself to dream of.

 

I would rather not have been in an A with him but it's part of who we are and I think how we've both handled it post A has luckily worked really well.

 

One thing I want to mention. Over all of our ddays I spoke honestly with his W. We started talking again not too long after our R began post A. With circumstances around one of their kids I wanted to make sure she guided my involvement. DMM has always told me she is a remarkable woman and an incredible mom. And she is. We'll never be friends but we've found common ground and can sit with a wine or coffee and have a laugh. She's seriously involved with someone now and strangely enough he's a good friend of mine. He is totally in love with her and if he has his way there's going to be a wedding in the near future. She deserves that happiness and more.

 

I had 5 pretty lonely years and from the second I walked away from him I figured I was in for a life never finding what I really wanted. Although I'm not happy there's been so much upheaval I am a very happy woman right now.

[Devastated1969]

4 months since xMM returned to W, about a month since complete NC, getting loads better every day, got through his birthday without texting, my birthday next Friday and praying he doesn't contact or remember even though we had booked a holiday to go away together on that very date!

[Summer Breeze]

4 months since xMM returned to W, about a month since complete NC, getting loads better every day, got through his birthday without texting, my birthday next Friday and praying he doesn't contact or remember even though we had booked a holiday to go away together on that very date!

 

I'm hoping you're going to take the holiday yourself, or with some friends! If not you'd better be doing something to fill your time and your head. Make the time pass as quickly and well as you can. Like you said, you're getting loads better.

 

Are you prepared if he sends a message? If you have an idea of your reactions you probably have a better chance of either not responding at all or at least in a way that lets him know he's not in control anymore.

 

Happy early birthday!

[Popsicle]

Good luck, Popsicle! After the first 7 - 10 days, it got easier and once I told him I was monogamous with boyfriend he was a bit short for a couple of days.

 

We talk and flirt, but the conversation is not as racy as before.

 

It would be better if I had a boyfriend. Next challenge will be when I have a hormone surge.

 

You going to start dating?

 

Thank you I hope mine turns out the way yours has. I don't plan to date until I accomplish a major life goal I am working on achieving in a few months but once that's done I definitely am. Can't wait!! My hormones are surging too. Lol

[Devastated1969]

I'm hoping you're going to take the holiday yourself, or with some friends! If not you'd better be doing something to fill your time and your head. Make the time pass as quickly and well as you can. Like you said, you're getting loads better.

 

Are you prepared if he sends a message? If you have an idea of your reactions you probably have a better chance of either not responding at all or at least in a way that lets him know he's not in control anymore.

 

Happy early birthday!

 

Thanks Summer, unfortunately I had to cancel the holiday but have booked a short sunshine break with my best girl pal for next month so looking forward to that instead :-) I don't expect a message as I didn't wish him happy birthday BUT if he does send anything it's my intention to ignore. I don't want to risk slipping backwards in any way as I feel I am moving forward in my healing. Bottom line, he is M, living with his family and that is all I need to know.

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks Summer, unfortunately I had to cancel the holiday but have booked a short sunshine break with my best girl pal for next month so looking forward to that instead :-) I don't expect a message as I didn't wish him happy birthday BUT if he does send anything it's my intention to ignore. I don't want to risk slipping backwards in any way as I feel I am moving forward in my healing. Bottom line, he is M, living with his family and that is all I need to know.

 

Wise lady! I hope you and your friend have a wonderful time! Make sure and keep busy on your birthday. Don't hang around both dreading and looking for a message. You're right -- it doesn't matter!

[bv120]

H and I put our divorce on hold and attempted an R. Had NC with a guy I had an EA with but my husband saw straight through to my real feelings. So the divorce is back on and I've started seeing my EA guy.

 

 

bv

[Popsicle]

Where am I at today?

 

I feel like I’m in the same spot I was last year, but no, not really. There’s been lots of progress. Slowly moving forward….and as I think on this question I have to say that I’m thinking mostly of the relationship I have with myself. Where am *I* at today?

 

So, I’m married and that’s ending. He doesn’t want to leave my house and he’s trying to be so nice to me. But it’s a game for him. I can see that now. It’s taken me a very very long time to open my eyes to the reality of life with my husband. I guess I never really wanted to see him like that, as he really is because…well, because it says some pretty negative things about me. I’ve made too many excuses and I’m learning how to not make them for him anymore. I’m learning to listen to myself, trust myself, and love myself in a good way. It scares him, I think, to know that I’m not just ‘getting over it’ again like normal, that I’m not backing down, and that I am strong. This relationship is over and it’s been over for a while now. I’m in the process of figuring out how to truly end this with as little drama as possible, but am not seeing a clear path to that yet. I keep praying and I’m positive I’ll find my way.

 

My friend feels like he’s a million miles away. He is a far ways away right now. But it’s ok, it’s good in fact. That distance feels needed. We talk every day. I try to not contact him EVERY day…but mostly I do away…just to say Hi and see how his day is…I feel guilty sometimes not always. Only because I know that this communication would hurt my H if he knew I talked to my friend. I don’t feel guilty about being friends with Mr. Amazing. He has…omg…it’s so hard to explain…but it’s like his very presence in my world is like a shining star that is illuminating thoughts, ideas, concepts, that have been dark for a long time. I always knew these things were there but I couldn’t (or didn’t want) to see them. But….I am cautious….how do I truly know his intentions? I know him well but I rellly only know what he wants me to know…it takes time to get to know someone, years to begin to understand them…I’ve known him one year on a limited bases, I’m not kidding myself to think that he’s ‘perfect’ or has no baggage with him. It will be what it will be and only time can tell what it’ll really be. For now, our friendship has progressed into a deep friendship. I’m truly amazed at his depth of perception, his candor, and his kindness.

 

Sometimes….it seems like all of this is in my life right now for a reason…and I’m trying to figure out that reason. I’m trying to be still and listen and actually hear what I need to hear and not what I want to hear, understand? But, when it’s all said and done, the real bottom line is that I’m walking thru life with my head up, my eyes open, and trying to take purposeful steps.

 

 

Interesting post. I imagine my MM feels much of what you've expressed here himself and probably sees me and our relationship in the same way.

[Poppy's sister]

Having a really bad few days ....were am I .? Lost I think would sum it up.

And really confused and fed up.

Had A for 18 months, both married, no intention of leaving spouses ( my H is homosexual and wants to stay together for appearances/children etc...I agreed sort of , felt best for children but thoug maybe a bit of flirty fun would fill missing bits for me)

Never meant to fall in love....we did of course...he started to drop hints about wanting more, we talked about forever and having a lifetime together etc etc.

Got seen in the most unlikely of places by someone who knew his wife , she told wife. That was 14 months ago. First week post d day we talked and talked about being together but in the end I persuaded him to go back as the logistics of were he lives and I live and were his wife would go with kids was heartbreaking . I knew guilt over his kids would destroy us.

We lasted exactly 24 hrs in no contact/ended.

Since them have had continued relationship but very very restricted compared to before.

He says it is worth the risk and wants forever still.....he says a second d day would mean no going back.

We talk every day and txt and email, and we see each other most weeks for lunch or breakfast ( he works in city and I work there 2 days a week).

We try to steal some time together every 6 weeks or so (when his wife takes children to holiday home) but even this is very hard, he leaves early and he gets upset and so do I.

We had vaguely discussed being together when kids older and at college ...10 year plan.

So though hard we both supported each other as best we could.

Leading up to Xmas things were easing up a bit and we had an evening out , he didn't seem to care about being seen etc.

Then Xmas ....he is adamant nothing specific happened but his wife became very very paranoid , checking all phones etc....and he says there were almighty rows again.

Since then this has continued . More and more restrictions .

Now don't get me wrong , we rarely discuss his home situation....we have never said anything derogatory about each other spouses...but 4 weeks ago we had our most open conversation yet....and he shocked me , as he said he didn't know how much longer he could go on at home, the rows were wearing him down, he can't see it ever getting better, he doesn't know how long they can continue both so unhappy and just pretending everything is fine for the children.

However when I asked him why he never said he loved me anymore his reply was ' I can't as I don't know what it means '

I challenged this in the context of him saying that he was struggling at home and had just said he thought everyday about how to separate and how he could make it work with kids, money etc.

He just kept saying ' I can't but you are not part of the problem you are part of the solution, but I want us to keep trying and talking and being us so we can figure this out'

 

Fast forward ....due to work and holidays we haven't seen each other for 6 weeks....he was away last week and we have to go non contact during holidays now ....another restriction that was never ther before.....he was back on Thursday.....but was at their holiday home with friends staying too and his family and his inlaws all live in same village so usually tricky to be contact.

I got txt saying he was back and he would try to call or txt later.....he did use my nickname and sent kisses.

However I have had nothing since......

 

I go through hell , every time we have had to instigate no contact....I presume the worse, I can't help it....right now I am insecure in this relationship, if he doesn't love me anymore , why keep doing this ? It can't be the sex....it is so infrequent and he travels for work so could get that anywhere. I feel right now our relationship is so restricted it is losing its emotional intimacy ( a bit on both parts as I am not prepared to be free with the I love you anymore...makes me feel vulnerable) but I do know this man, for him to say he is seriously trying to fathom out separating from his wife....he means it.

 

He has never future faked , wont make me promises he can't keep, had said last year he would accept any restriction placed on him for the sake of his children.

 

So sorry for long long post, but so confused by his behaviour, trying not to over think it, trying to think he is probably finding this as hard as me. We can talk again on Tuesday....just get through another day and it will be alright.

 

Needed to vent !

[Goodbye]

I'm done. He told me the truth a year ago, I saw him once more and went NC. He broke NC many times, the last time was it for me and I sent a letter to his W. He hasn't contacted me since then, which has been a relief, several weeks of healing.

[Popsicle]

Having a really bad few days ....were am I .? Lost I think would sum it up.

And really confused and fed up.

Had A for 18 months, both married, no intention of leaving spouses ( my H is homosexual and wants to stay together for appearances/children etc...I agreed sort of , felt best for children but thoug maybe a bit of flirty fun would fill missing bits for me)

Never meant to fall in love....we did of course...he started to drop hints about wanting more, we talked about forever and having a lifetime together etc etc.

Got seen in the most unlikely of places by someone who knew his wife , she told wife. That was 14 months ago. First week post d day we talked and talked about being together but in the end I persuaded him to go back as the logistics of were he lives and I live and were his wife would go with kids was heartbreaking . I knew guilt over his kids would destroy us.

We lasted exactly 24 hrs in no contact/ended.

Since them have had continued relationship but very very restricted compared to before.

He says it is worth the risk and wants forever still.....he says a second d day would mean no going back.

We talk every day and txt and email, and we see each other most weeks for lunch or breakfast ( he works in city and I work there 2 days a week).

We try to steal some time together every 6 weeks or so (when his wife takes children to holiday home) but even this is very hard, he leaves early and he gets upset and so do I.

We had vaguely discussed being together when kids older and at college ...10 year plan.

So though hard we both supported each other as best we could.

Leading up to Xmas things were easing up a bit and we had an evening out , he didn't seem to care about being seen etc.

Then Xmas ....he is adamant nothing specific happened but his wife became very very paranoid , checking all phones etc....and he says there were almighty rows again.

Since then this has continued . More and more restrictions .

Now don't get me wrong , we rarely discuss his home situation....we have never said anything derogatory about each other spouses...but 4 weeks ago we had our most open conversation yet....and he shocked me , as he said he didn't know how much longer he could go on at home, the rows were wearing him down, he can't see it ever getting better, he doesn't know how long they can continue both so unhappy and just pretending everything is fine for the children.

However when I asked him why he never said he loved me anymore his reply was ' I can't as I don't know what it means '

I challenged this in the context of him saying that he was struggling at home and had just said he thought everyday about how to separate and how he could make it work with kids, money etc.

He just kept saying ' I can't but you are not part of the problem you are part of the solution, but I want us to keep trying and talking and being us so we can figure this out'

 

Fast forward ....due to work and holidays we haven't seen each other for 6 weeks....he was away last week and we have to go non contact during holidays now ....another restriction that was never ther before.....he was back on Thursday.....but was at their holiday home with friends staying too and his family and his inlaws all live in same village so usually tricky to be contact.

I got txt saying he was back and he would try to call or txt later.....he did use my nickname and sent kisses.

However I have had nothing since......

 

I go through hell , every time we have had to instigate no contact....I presume the worse, I can't help it....right now I am insecure in this relationship, if he doesn't love me anymore , why keep doing this ? It can't be the sex....it is so infrequent and he travels for work so could get that anywhere. I feel right now our relationship is so restricted it is losing its emotional intimacy ( a bit on both parts as I am not prepared to be free with the I love you anymore...makes me feel vulnerable) but I do know this man, for him to say he is seriously trying to fathom out separating from his wife....he means it.

 

He has never future faked , wont make me promises he can't keep, had said last year he would accept any restriction placed on him for the sake of his children.

 

So sorry for long long post, but so confused by his behaviour, trying not to over think it, trying to think he is probably finding this as hard as me. We can talk again on Tuesday....just get through another day and it will be alright.

 

Needed to vent !

 

That was a great vent. I imagine myself feeling exactly like you and my MM acting the same way. He already does some of this. I think you should be cool, don't pressure/grill him and just see how things play out. Prepare yourself privately for the worst though, so you won't be surprised.

[bentleychic]

My answer today is the same as it was in March except a little more time has passed.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well, I have a bit of news today that I never expected to have.

 

Many know my story - the endless saga of my A and getting out of it, with the result being that ex-MM and I are now platonic friends.

 

I've been dating someone (another physician) for a few months now. Today he completely floored me at Easter dinner (which he made) by asking me to marry him. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say (I still haven't answered him).

 

So whatever I decide to do, life does go on.

[Mickey1982]

Well, I have a bit of news today that I never expected to have.

 

Many know my story - the endless saga of my A and getting out of it, with the result being that ex-MM and I are now platonic friends.

 

I've been dating someone (another physician) for a few months now. Today he completely floored me at Easter dinner (which he made) by asking me to marry him. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say (I still haven't answered him).

 

So whatever I decide to do, life does go on.

 

 

OMG-OMG-SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!

 

No matter which way this goes--whether you decide to say YES or NO-- it proves there is HOPE and genuine good men after the exMM!!!!!

 

He is one lucky man and he realized it before someone else gets you (unlike your STUPID (sorry) exMM who let you go)! Hope, you are a spectacular woman who deserves the best of the best. I know you will make the RIGHT decision for you. Keep us posted as soon as you decide-----fingers crossed for tons of happiness either way!

 

Hugs...Mickey

Edited April 21, 2014 by Mickey1982

[Hope Shimmers]

OMG-OMG-SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!

 

No matter which way this goes--whether you decide to say YES or NO-- it proves there is HOPE and genuine good men after the exMM!!!!!

 

He is one lucky man and he realized it before someone else gets you (unlike your STUPID (sorry) exMM who let you go)! Hope, you are a spectacular woman who deserves the best of the best. I know you will make the RIGHT decision for you. Keep us posted as soon as you decide-----fingers crossed for tons of happiness either way!

 

Hugs...Mickey

 

Thank you SO much Mickey!!!!

 

In all honesty I am still walking around in a daze. I so totally did not expect this. It's very fast and that worries me.... but yes, there are good guys out there!!!!

[P1nginLOVE]

Unhappy marriage. Started an EA which turned into a PA. Was a toxic emotional roller coaster that went on for about 7 months, with a lot of starts and stops. Ended the affair and went complete NC, been no contact approximately 4 months. Ended the marriage and been separated since October. It's been a time of intense emotions, self awareness, sorrow, strength, growth, acceptance, and everything in between. The only way to the other side is through the pain, and I am working through all of that now.

 

Be strong!

Remember, women are stronger than men!

Wish I could reduce your pain ;(

[Popsicle]

Well, I have a bit of news today that I never expected to have.

 

Many know my story - the endless saga of my A and getting out of it, with the result being that ex-MM and I are now platonic friends.

 

I've been dating someone (another physician) for a few months now. Today he completely floored me at Easter dinner (which he made) by asking me to marry him. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say (I still haven't answered him).

 

So whatever I decide to do, life does go on.

 

That's great news, but wait..... you didn't answer???????

 

I hope you know that that doesn't feel good to the guy at all.

[Hope Shimmers]

That's great news, but wait..... you didn't answer???????

 

I hope you know that that doesn't feel good to the guy at all.

 

I get that, but we have only dated for a short time, so his asking this soon was unexpected and he knew it would be. I just told him I needed to think about things (there are lots of logistical issues as well) before giving him an definite answer. I'm sorry if it didn't feel good to him, but if I am going to marry again it is going to be the right decision and not made on the spur of the moment. He knew that too.

[randian]

H and I put our divorce on hold and attempted an R. Had NC with a guy I had an EA with but my husband saw straight through to my real feelings. So the divorce is back on and I've started seeing my EA guy.

bv

 

How long did you spend attempting to R? Did you live together during R?

[Poppy's sister]

'That was a great vent. I imagine myself feeling exactly like you and my MM acting the same way. He already does some of this. I think you should be cool, don't pressure/grill him and just see how things play out. Prepare yourself privately for the worst though, so you won't be surprised.'

 

 

Popsicle ....what happened in the end with your mm then ?

 

I really honestly do not want my mm to leave his wife right now...i am not ready my end for this.

He did say during the talk that if he leaves it is because he cant stay , the marriage is over, not because of me..i.e. he is not leaving for me, rather because he cant stay married if that makes sense.

 

he thinks through things long and hard, never makes rash decisions, I know if he said that, he must be really thinking about it.

 

What is your mm doing that is similar and do you believe him or do you have doubts ???

 

I just dont know what to think.....anymore

 

But agree need to be cool, in the end i cannot do anyhting to change his situation, only he can. BUt what I really want to do is have major meltdown, hissy fit, snotty tears, the works .....but that will not help....need to be calm ...but have decided that he has put me through hell this last week and I dont have to accept it.

 

He has decided he wants a relationship with both me and his wife, therefore he has to accept a degree of responsibility towards both of us.

I have to have my feelings taken into account and he cannot just ride rough shod over them. If he cannot at least discuss this issue then it is over. I cannot and will not go through this again.

 

oh dear...more venting

[bv120]

How long did you spend attempting to R? Did you live together during R?

 

 

 

Almost a month. I have to admit it was a half-hearted effort on my part. Yes, STBX moved back in for the R.

 

 

bv