Eternal Sunshine Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I have known this woman for years and I talk to her pretty openly about my life: good or bad. I tell her career problems, men problems and don't censor myself much. She on the other hand only tells me positive things about her life. Case in point: Few months back, her long term bf asked her to go on a break. I had no idea that happened and when we hang out I only noticed that she doesn't mention him much. Still, I asked about him and she would kind of snap that "everything is fine" and change the topic. She did it few times so I took the hint and stopped asking. Fast forward to now. She talks about him all the time and they are moving in together. I only found out that they were even on a break NOW. They were actually on a break for 3 months and had no contact. It's like she will only tell me the negative when there is a current positive resolution. During those 3 months, we hang out so much and even slept in the same bed without her telling me this major thing in her life. The same thing happened when she lost her job. I had no clue and she only told me once she found a new job. I mean WTF. It feels even worse because I tell her about my problems and she never once goes "I know how you feel, I am going through the same thing". It's like she wants to present her life as great and perfect at all times. I am trying to understand: why would she do this? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 She probably is an independent person, doesn't want to open up and share her problems with anybody and keeps it to herself until she's ready to talk about it and it's been dealt with. Maybe she has had a childhood that has made her be this way, learned not to rely on anybody but herself during rough times. Don't take it personally and don't read into it. Maybe mention to her, that she's been a great friend to you and let her know that you're there for her if she ever needs to talk or needs help. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 She probably is an independent person, doesn't want to open up and share her problems with anybody and keeps it to herself until she's ready to talk about it and it's been dealt with. Maybe she has had a childhood that has made her be this way, learned not to rely on anybody but herself during rough times. Don't take it personally and don't read into it. Maybe mention to her, that she's been a great friend to you and let her know that you're there for her if she ever needs to talk or needs help. Yeah - she is very supportive of me and my problems. Her parents divorced when she was young and she doesn't have much contact with them. She had definetly had to learn to rely on herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I used to keep just about everything to myself, so I can understand why she might. I noticed that it was a barrier to deepening any sort of relationship, though - it isn't always a good thing. When it comes to the boyfriend, she might not mention negative things in case they get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 She's embarrassed. She probably didn't have a strong support system growing up, so she assumes people will think badly about her if she offers up negative information, even if its things beyond her control--she feels they should be in her control, or that others will think they should be. She is afraid to be judged. It actually probably sucks to be her, she doesn't have an outlet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 She's embarrassed. She probably didn't have a strong support system growing up, so she assumes people will think badly about her if she offers up negative information, even if its things beyond her control--she feels they should be in her control, or that others will think they should be. She is afraid to be judged. It actually probably sucks to be her, she doesn't have an outlet. That is how I felt: that I should be able to handle things on my own. I saw my mother handling so much, and a few years ago, she said to me (paraphrasing), "Oh, you just didn't see me venting, but trust me, I did." Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Do you think she treats other friends differently? Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 As a kid being emotionally vulnerable provoked anger in my family members, it just wasn't ok. Still isn't. Once I got away from them I became really open and talked a lot about my problems until I realized it drew the wrong kind of person to me, it overshadowed my strengths, and I was making other people's eyes roll. So now I just don't talk about my problems with others much except my friend since babyhood and husband. There is some kind of balance there but I really haven't been able to find it! I'm not sure what would be the right approach, but maybe you could ask her about it using the break up as an example and share how you feel about her holding back too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Do you think she treats other friends differently? Hmm it's hard to say. She has a lot of surface level friends but not many close ones. I think that she only has one other close friend (a guy) and I doubt she confides in him... Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I am trying to understand: why would she do this? You could ask her. I don't think you should tell her that it makes you feel bad when she doesn't share things with you, but you could let her know how surprised you were to learn about these major developments in her life and ask if there's any reason why she never shared them with you. Kind of like, "Is it something I've done?" She might tell you that you reacted in a negative way in the past, or she might just admit to being a very private person, or that she's ashamed or whatever. If it's something you've done, you can work on it. But if it's just her personality, try to accept it and not take it personally. She sounds like a pretty good friend. Keep her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I've never met anyone who was so independent they didn't tell someone what was going on in their lives. The people I've known, which are few, who omit the bad stuff are doing it because they want their lives to look perfect to others for status reasons. I have a friend who is annoying because she tries to put a positive spin on everything negative and just seems like she's trying to convince herself that nothing bad can happen to her because she's a good person, so she just denies anything bad that happens. I've talked to her about it before. I mean, it was keeping her from buying reliable transportation, etc. She is relying on being positive for life to bring her things and instead it's incapacitating her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 She is relying on being positive for life to bring her things and instead it's incapacitating her. That's what made me sad about Oprah Winfrey of all people endorsing 'The Secret'. Although maybe at this point she is so powerful she does pretty much get everything she wants and thinks everyone else just isn't trying right or hard enough. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Not everything works for all people. And people who think they've found the answer will let change pass them by that would have kept them on track and moving forward, which is what I think happened to my friend. Her sister validates her and keeps her mired in her old philosophy. They lost their mom while teens, I think, and I think sort of stuck to certain things she put forward as gospel after her death. Neither of them will hardly go to a doctor or take medicines but they'll try any untested homeopathic thing that comes along, and that's from their mom dying young. They're trapped in this I think because it was their coping mechanism at their traumatic time. Now it's just keeping them from being healthy and making her, at least, seem like Pollyana most of the time. And just about everything I say, she will contradict me to put a positive spin on it and I finally told her that contradicting people all the time was negative, not positive, which really floored her. Sigh. Yeah, with Oprah, what happened is she had some success and once you have some money, you can make more money. Yes, it's important to always get back up and keep trying to get to that first point. But a lot of people do that every single day at their underpaid jobs and it takes them nowhere, but they're doing all they can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Not everything works for all people. And people who think they've found the answer will let change pass them by that would have kept them on track and moving forward, which is what I think happened to my friend. Her sister validates her and keeps her mired in her old philosophy. They lost their mom while teens, I think, and I think sort of stuck to certain things she put forward as gospel after her death. Neither of them will hardly go to a doctor or take medicines but they'll try any untested homeopathic thing that comes along, and that's from their mom dying young. They're trapped in this I think because it was their coping mechanism at their traumatic time. Now it's just keeping them from being healthy and making her, at least, seem like Pollyana most of the time. And just about everything I say, she will contradict me to put a positive spin on it and I finally told her that contradicting people all the time was negative, not positive, which really floored her. Sigh. Yeah, with Oprah, what happened is she had some success and once you have some money, you can make more money. Yes, it's important to always get back up and keep trying to get to that first point. But a lot of people do that every single day at their underpaid jobs and it takes them nowhere, but they're doing all they can. I agree with what you are saying. I find The Secret and the like silly. Yes, it's important to be resillient and get back up when you fail. But...there is also nothing wrong with being realistic about it. Acknowledging that you are having a bad break or that what happened makes you sad is healthy IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Her healthy boundary is merely different. No harm no foul in that. Some folks are talkers and some are thinkers. Sounds to me that you are realistic though and are concerned that your friend isn't being real with you. So simply read my first sentence and it will all come together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 I wish she was more authentic and open with me. Overall though, her positive qualities far outweigh the negative. Just seems like she keeps a certain barrier up and I wonder if it's something I did that I am unaware of. Link to post Share on other sites
Eleni Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I agree with Whichwayisup about letting her know you're there to talk about anything with her, and that you'd like to talk about meaningful things in her life too, but I suspect it's not that you've done anything wrong, it's just the way she is. Maybe dealing with her problems in a stoic way is what works for her (after all she got a new job and got her relationship back), maybe she would be ashamed to be seeming to ask for sympathy, maybe she's afraid of breaking down if she talks about painful things... Eleni 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) Co-sign with Anela, whichwayisup, and veggirl. I was like this too for most of my life and those are all exactly the reasons why. My closest girlfriend opened up to me unfiltered about pretty much everything. I felt bad not reciprocating that kind of trust so I started to open up a little bit at a time. Now we vent and have breakdowns and b***h all the time when things are down, and celebrate and encourage each other when things are good. Writing it out makes it sound like a guilt motive :-/, but looking at it that way worked for me to change our friendship for the better. If offering support from afar (I'm here if you want to talk) doesn't change it, I think it would be worth a shot to explain how her style of sharing prohibits the friendship from growing. Edited March 20, 2014 by Almond_Joy Link to post Share on other sites
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