Can someone who cheats and claims to love you, still do?

[dragon_fly_7]

I've never been cheated before but my paternal grandfather cheated on my grandmother (both are deceased by now) and as a result he two kids came out of the affair at different ocassions; one happens to be my father's older half-sister whom he has introduced in his early years and the other is a half-brother his age that his father tried introducing him in his 20's but still this day my father doesn't want to meet this brother.

 

Obviously that can't be love and from what I've heard from others, my grandmother wasn't in love with him by that point and hasn't for a long while but she just love and care for him in a sisterly way. As for my grandfather, somehow he claimed to still love her but I doubt that can be love. You don't cheat and certainly don't have kids elsewhere if you love him/her. The woman he had those affairs with was my grandmother's best friend.

 

Then I also bumped into this story:

My husband is bringing back my past cheating but do I deserve it?

 

I wonder how this guy even still married the woman who cheated on him with his friend when they were dating. He even literally caught her with the friend. Makes wonder how long is that guy doing to trigger or has been for all those years. The poster claims remorse and to still love him but can you?

[carhill]

It's really hard to know for sure what's in someone's mind.

 

We see examples all the time of horrific actions which seem to defy what *we* would describe as love but our definition of love and another's may be totally different. Does a man who hits his wife love her, or, if she hits him, does she love him while assaulting him? Same with emotional abuse. Same with molesting their children. Etc, etc. Horrible things, but is there no love, at all? I don't know.

 

When grandma stopped being 'in love' with grandpa, was that an act of love or didn't she love him anymore? I don't know. Why? I can't ever know what's in the mind of another person. I can know what's in my own mind but you can never know, as a different example.

 

People can claim to love the people, they abuse, molest, assault, murder, cheat on, etc, etc, but do they? Good question. I don't know that answer.

 

I do know, when I was a MM, I certainly didn't love my exW and never maintained that I did, as that would be a lie. I told her that directly. That's one anecdote of billions. Each of us is different.

[d0nnivain]

Love & sex are different. Just because somebody has sex outside of a relationship doesn't mean that in their own way they stopped loving their primary partner. However, out of respect & kindness & a desire to avoid inflicting intolerable pain on the person they claim to love, they should have been faithful. It's really up to the betrayed person about whether they will give the cheater another chance.

[dragon_fly_7]

It's really hard to know for sure what's in someone's mind.

Yeah the mind can be so complex.

We see examples all the time of horrific actions which seem to defy what *we* would describe as love but our definition of love and another's may be totally different. Does a man who hits his wife love her, or, if she hits him, does she love him while assaulting him? Same with emotional abuse. Same with molesting their children. Etc, etc. Horrible things, but is there no love, at all? I don't know.

He used to hit her too while drunk at some point way before my father was born (according his other older siblings until they got older and intervened) so that can't be love to me either. If it's love then that's a very distorted way of loving someone you not only married but they trusted you and must have felt secured with you.

When grandma stopped being 'in love' with grandpa, was that an act of love or didn't she love him anymore? I don't know. Why? I can't ever know what's in the mind of another person. I can know what's in my own mind but you can never know, as a different example.

I do think at some point she didn't want anything to do with him in a romantic. I say this because later on, both of them slept in separate rooms. Unfortunately, many women (esp of hispanic background) didn't file for divorce at the time.

 

I'd rather be single for years if I didn't find a decent man than stay with a man that ''loves'' me in that manner.

[drifter777]

A person who cheats never loved their partner in the first place. If/when a cheater tells their betrayed SO that they really do "love" them its just damage control. They are cake eaters so they want their SO safely at home while they play around whenever they feel "unappreciated" or whatever. Its their version of love; selfish and uncaring.

[dragon_fly_7]

A person who cheats never loved their partner in the first place. If/when a cheater tells their betrayed SO that they really do "love" them its just damage control. They are cake eaters so they want their SO safely at home while they play around whenever they feel "unappreciated" or whatever. Its their version of love; selfish and uncaring.

For sure that can't be love.

 

I just don't get it. If they obviously don't love their partner, why doesn't the cheater walk away? Why do they still want their partner that's taking them back?

 

Can they just leave with the other person they're cheating with?

[Colton]

This is what scares me sometimes. There are forums specifically for cheating on LS. I've read posts where people have said they have been cheating for weeks, months, and years as if it were nothing. How do you know your partner isn't just a crazy, selfish, cheating person who happens to be phenomenal actor/actress?

[HomanWater]

Of course they can say they love their partners regardless of cheating. And in their minds that might be true.

 

See, as someone said love is not clearly defined and its meaning can be twisted to whatever is most convenient at the moment.

 

If someone who hurts you deep says "I love you", you can ignore their words and look at their actions, as their definition of love is clearly doing jack squat for you.

 

Heck, feel free to ignore everything they say, they proved they can't be trusted after all, didn't they?

 

He used to hit her too while drunk at some point way before my father was born (according his other older siblings until they got older and intervened) so that can't be love to me either. If it's love then that's a very distorted way of loving someone you not only married but they trusted you and must have felt secured with you.

 

Case in point.

Edited March 10, 2014 by HomanWater

[Hello_is_it_me]

Who knows.. "Love" is such an undefined and abstract concept in and of itself that I don't think this question can be so easily answered.

[VeronicaRoss]

'Love' meaning the intense emotion -- yes. It's definitely possible to feel that way about more than one person at the same time.

 

However the other definition of 'love' is treating someone as if they were extremely valuable. The key difference is here is where you act. You can feel a lot of different things but none of that determines how you act. It ultimately is the actions we take that define our character.

[No Limit]

I guess those people think that what they feel for that person is love. Even if it was at some point, there's some other ingredient that has tainted it.

[Jethro]

How do you know your partner isn't just a crazy, selfish, cheating person who happens to be phenomenal actor/actress?

 

You don't. But if he/she is... don't worry. You'll find out.

[martaldn]

You don't. But if he/she is... don't worry. You'll find out.

 

I'm not sure about that

I have been the OW of a guy who has been a oscar actor with all his gfs for the past 5 years.

He cheated on them with me without they suspected anything

He created a double life like a double email address and a fake Facebook page to be in contact with me.

He always met when the official girl wasn't around and always got away with it

The present gf doesn't have a clue of the kind of cheater she is in a relationship with for the last 2 and half year

When I asked him if he loves this last one he told me yes. I guess his has a very toxic way to show his love and I'm

Happy to be out of this now

[drifter777]

I'm not sure about that

I have been the OW of a guy who has been a oscar actor with all his gfs for the past 5 years.

He cheated on them with me without they suspected anything

He created a double life like a double email address and a fake Facebook page to be in contact with me.

He always met when the official girl wasn't around and always got away with it

The present gf doesn't have a clue of the kind of cheater she is in a relationship with for the last 2 and half year

When I asked him if he loves this last one he told me yes. I guess his has a very toxic way to show his love and I'm

Happy to be out of this now

Great example of the kind of "love" a cheater has for their SO. It's a cake-eating thing for this guy. He wants someone to share his bed with most nights, someone to wash his clothes, someone to make him feel secure at home. But he wants to have a side-slut for a booty call whenever he wants some strange. He will get caught at some point but he sounds like the kind of guy who will just tell his SO to deal with it or hit the bricks. I guess it's his life and get's to live it however he wants. I can't be this kind of person but must admit I envy him...

[roger136913]

I cheated on my wife after 7 years of marriage, it had nothing to do with loving her or how she looked or acted...

 

Over the years though it seems we grew apart I always loved her more..

 

So yes you can Love someone cheat on someone and Love them..

[dragon_fly_7]

I guess those people think that what they feel for that person is love. Even if it was at some point, there's some other ingredient that has tainted it.

Yeah, whatever that was so unique before I'm sure that part is now gone.

'Love' meaning the intense emotion -- yes. It's definitely possible to feel that way about more than one person at the same time.

True. I also hear about another scenerio, in which they still claimed to love their BS but not the person they cheated with. So basically that's like all the work they did for cheating was for nothing.

However the other definition of 'love' is treating someone as if they were extremely valuable. The key difference is here is where you act. You can feel a lot of different things but none of that determines how you act. It ultimately is the actions we take that define our character.

To me, he has to have self-control. I guess if he has none then I would feel worthless. I give kudos to those who were able to take back the cheater and still work that out. I wouldn't be able to love someone that didn't love me enough to say no to temptation.

[dragon_fly_7]

I cheated on my wife after 7 years of marriage, it had nothing to do with loving her or how she looked or acted...

 

Over the years though it seems we grew apart I always loved her more..

 

So yes you can Love someone cheat on someone and Love them..

Thank you for admitting this. I assume she knows about it and has chosen to work it out with you. That's going to be a lot of rebuilding trust.

 

Though, I hope I'm loved in a specific way if I were to get married.

[Spectre]

No, if you cheat on someone you do not love them. Those that say otherwise are just deluding themselves, that is all part of justifying it. Plain and simple: you do not screw another person if you are in love with someone else, you just don't. You solve your problems in ANY other way besides betrayal and sex with others. That is what love is. If you don't have the strength to fight for your love and just give it up to someone else..you do not love your spouse. It's harsh reality some cheaters can't face, but it is still 100% true.

 

People in love simply do not cheat. They find a way to fix it or they end the relationship before doing so. They just don't do it, there is no excuse for it. Doesn't matter if they feel unwanted, unloved, etc. whatever other nonsense, there is no excuse. If the love is there, then there will be no sex with other people.

[JourneyLady]

Since everyone posts anecdotes, I'll give you mine...

 

Did I love my ex-hubs? The answer is yes. Was I always afraid he would leave me like my first husband. For most of the marriage the answer was yes.

 

He was a workaholic. Getting him to take a vacation was like pulling teeth. Over the years I could feel him resenting the amount of attention I wanted and/or needed. I was "blessed with" depression and there were times I broke down. I was worse around him, because he was always calm,always "functional", always able to make jokes, make people laugh, be well liked... in short, be all the things I wanted to be, but couldn't. OF COURSE I loved him.

 

I also hated myself for not being able to be those things, just as my family of origin had disliked me for not being those things and loved him (and still do) to this day because he was all the things I wasn't.

 

So... I had a long distance online affair - although technically it wasn't "cheating" because I wasn't "with" the person and because I didn't lie about it. I rationalized - which was wrong. But my rational was that I was saving the marriage because I was getting attention elsewhere so that he wouldn't be "bothered" by my need for attention from the low-self esteem or need to cheer me up when I was depressed, because there was someone else doing that. I had been totally dependent on him over several decades with his encouragement -- however I was afraid the resentment would drive him away. So I engaged with this APwho would have been a totally unsuitable mate. He was also a mentor and taught me things that picked up my own ambition (as a writer) and got me started on my path. (The AP did all that for totally selfish reasons, obviously, but nevertheless, I learned a lot.)

 

I had grown up being ashamed of my sexuality to some extent, having been molested at a young age and my father making me feel like I was "dirty" because I was a sensual young lady and had a boyfriend at 14. So I rarely got myself off and cried when I did. I also wasn't getting enough sex in my marriage and brought it up many many times in the five years prior.

 

This AP taught me to get myself off and talked to me while I did, so that I did not feel so alone during. Some of the physical problems I'd had started to disappear. At the same time, the AP told me techniques to encourage my ex-hubs to want sex more... Which seemed to work, except he had started to see someone else (in real life) at the time.

 

So yes, you can do the wrong thing for the right reasons and you can still love someone even if you have an affair. That does NOT make it right and that does NOT mean they will forgive you. I never lied about what I was doing - and sometimes I wonder how it would have turned out if I had. But I was taught to feel guilty about lying and I could not have.

 

In the end, resentment killed the marriage. Only it wasn't resentment over my being so needy - it was resentment over my getting my needs met somewhere else after he refused to meet them. I was damned either way.

 

As a completely different person now - independent, caring, and I like myself now; I no longer relate to the person I was then. I remember what she did and why, but I can say those are not the choices I would make now. I think being less dependent, I would have left him at a much younger age instead of cheating. Not because I did not love him, but because neither of us was a well and whole person and being around him made me even more ill and depressed about myself. I had lots of counseling when I was young, but that part was never addressed. He is no long a "saint" in my family, but is still seen as the "nice guy". He also cheated but in real life with a co-worker much younger and lied about it until after D-day. They are now married and have been for about six years.

 

I am still looking after a couple of failed relationships (I left them, not the other way around).

Edited April 22, 2014 by JourneyLady

[martaldn]

I cheated on my wife after 7 years of marriage, it had nothing to do with loving her or how she looked or acted...

 

Over the years though it seems we grew apart I always loved her more..

 

So yes you can Love someone cheat on someone and Love them..

 

sorry but I dont agree. if you love someone you dont cheat.

[Spectre]

Since everyone posts anecdotes, I'll give you mine...

 

Did I love my ex-hubs? The answer is yes. Was I always afraid he would leave me like my first husband. For most of the marriage the answer was yes.

 

He was a workaholic. Getting him to take a vacation was like pulling teeth. Over the years I could feel him resenting the amount of attention I wanted and/or needed. I was "blessed with" depression and there were times I broke down. I was worse around him, because he was always calm,always "functional", always able to make jokes, make people laugh, be well liked... in short, be all the things I wanted to be, but couldn't. OF COURSE I loved him.

 

I also hated myself for not being able to be those things, just as my family of origin had disliked me for not being those things and loved him (and still do) to this day because he was all the things I wasn't.

 

So... I had a long distance online affair - although technically it wasn't "cheating" because I wasn't "with" the person and because I didn't lie about it. I rationalized - which was wrong. But my rational was that I was saving the marriage because I was getting attention elsewhere so that he wouldn't be "bothered" by my need for attention from the low-self esteem or need to cheer me up when I was depressed, because there was someone else doing that. I had been totally dependent on him over several decades with his encouragement -- however I was afraid the resentment would drive him away. So I engaged with this APwho would have been a totally unsuitable mate. He was also a mentor and taught me things that picked up my own ambition (as a writer) and got me started on my path. (The AP did all that for totally selfish reasons, obviously, but nevertheless, I learned a lot.)

 

I had grown up being ashamed of my sexuality to some extent, having been molested at a young age and my father making me feel like I was "dirty" because I was a sensual young lady and had a boyfriend at 14. So I rarely got myself off and cried when I did. I also wasn't getting enough sex in my marriage and brought it up many many times in the five years prior.

 

This AP taught me to get myself off and talked to me while I did, so that I did not feel so alone during. Some of the physical problems I'd had started to disappear. At the same time, the AP told me techniques to encourage my ex-hubs to want sex more... Which seemed to work, except he had started to see someone else (in real life) at the time.

 

So yes, you can do the wrong thing for the right reasons and you can still love someone even if you have an affair. That does NOT make it right and that does NOT mean they will forgive you. I never lied about what I was doing - and sometimes I wonder how it would have turned out if I had. But I was taught to feel guilty about lying and I could not have.

 

In the end, resentment killed the marriage. Only it wasn't resentment over my being so needy - it was resentment over my getting my needs met somewhere else after he refused to meet them. I was damned either way.

 

As a completely different person now - independent, caring, and I like myself now; I no longer relate to the person I was then. I remember what she did and why, but I can say those are not the choices I would make now. I think being less dependent, I would have left him at a much younger age instead of cheating. Not because I did not love him, but because neither of us was a well and whole person and being around him made me even more ill and depressed about myself. I had lots of counseling when I was young, but that part was never addressed. He is no long a "saint" in my family, but is still seen as the "nice guy". He also cheated but in real life with a co-worker much younger and lied about it until after D-day. They are now married and have been for about six years.

 

I am still looking after a couple of failed relationships (I left them, not the other way around).

 

Sorry, but this sounds like one big long justification for cheating. You had an affair, therefore you didn't love whoever you cheated on. It's nice you got counseling and all that, but every reason you listed for why you did this came off as nothing but an excuse, and not very good ones at that.

 

It's lovely if you feel you can commit such a horrible betrayal to someone you "love", but you can sit here and talk about how you loved him till you are blue in the face. Actions are what matter dear, and all we need to read from your post is one line: "I had an affair" it know what your actions tell us. You say one thing, your actions say another, and any person on this planet would be foolish to trust the words over the actions, sorry, but that is just the cold hard reality of the situation, of ALL situations, that involve cheating.

 

Every time a cheater says "oh but I still love my spouse" you more or less cheapen all the other couples out there who truly love each other and show it by handling their problems in ways other then cheating. See, because if THAT is how you treat someone you love, via cheating? Then we need some new word to describe what couples who don't cheat share, because it would have to be leaps and bounds beyond mere "love" if love means you can cheat and still retain it.

[preraph]

To me, a cheater may think they love the victim of their cheating, but if they don't have the self-discipline to refrain from doing things that will devastate the "loved one," I view them as 1) not having much capacity for love and 2) making their d**k the one thing they really love more than anything else. Sad but true.

 

Also, there are some people (some say Tiger Woods was one) who feel the constant need for ego gratification. This is infantile, to say the least, but there are a lot of people, esp. men, who seem to thrive on flitting from new person to new person so they can get all that flattery that comes before someone really gets to know you.

[Davey L]

This is a difficult one. I think you can love someone and yet cheat on them. I've been on both sides of this - my wife and I have each cheated on each other. I do truly love my wife. Whether I did when I cheated, I don't know, it was a long time ago.

 

 

But you could extend this argument to cover anything that we do that is hurtful to one's loved one. If I was nasty to her in another way (albeit a much more minor way) does that also mean I do not love her? Sometimes when we are angry, upset or something we do something to hurt those we love. It's just that cheating is the worst thing we can do.

[dragon_fly_7]

Every time a cheater says "oh but I still love my spouse" you more or less cheapen all the other couples out there who truly love each other and show it by handling their problems in ways other then cheating. See, because if THAT is how you treat someone you love, via cheating? Then we need some new word to describe what couples who don't cheat share, because it would have to be leaps and bounds beyond mere "love" if love means you can cheat and still retain it.

I see that too on obviously many threads but I get the feeling they might be referring to a different type of ''love'', as in a brotherly/sisterly way than the one where you not only love them but are in love and the mere thought of sharing your body and emotions with someone else is disgusting to you.

 

Now I'm thinking there might be some truth to what they might state (I guess there is no absolute truth at all) but it can be their distorted truth.

[crederer]

Yes you can love and cheat. But the selfishness of cheating outweighed the love. So take that as you will.

 

I have an ex that cheated on me. She tries to get me back regularly years later. I know she loves me but I can't go back to that.