PBuddy Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 This is probably the age old question "Can Men and Women Be Just Friends"? I am a divorced 50:50 dad of two youngsters. I'm trying my best to move on after divorce. I do the online dating thing. I've met many women, but not having what I would call success. I'm picky and I'm not wowing them either. I have not been impressed with most of the ladies I meet....with the exception of one. Our dating started with what seemed great potential. We got mildly intimate quick (although not full blown). She ultimately decided that she really can't date in her life due to this and that, she thinks I'm a great guy, finds me attractive blah blah blah, but she needs to only focus on her kids and work, and does not really have the mindset for dating. Of course I know this could be BS, and the attraction is just not reciprocated. I knew I needed to accept, of which I have. I suggested we be friends of which we are and we keep in touch frequently. I know that some of the strongest relationships can develop out of friendships and I didn't want to give up hope so quickly. We've been out a few times as friends, and I have not pursued or hinted at anything else with that or our correspondences. This does not mean I haven't been hopeful. To make a long story short, I have concluded that the possibility of more than friends is remote at this point, with maybe, maybe a small glimmer of possibility. I really really like this girl. I'm having feelings I haven't had since divorce, and after going out with a lot of woman. I am still out there on the online dating scene appreciably but find myself still holding on to this glimmer of a hope with this one. I cherish the friendship we've developed, holding a flame, but also accepted the possibility is remote at best. I like the friendship, and I'm OK with that, but do I owe it to this person to tell her how I feel. Should I tell her how I feel about her, which is something very strong. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 no. she already made her (dis)interest in you known. she is just a friend now and obviously you cannot be just that with her since you're attracted. keep looking online or whatever avenues you are using to meet/find people. generally, when a woman pulls back she won't move forward again with the same guy, even if he expresses interest. if you go and tell her how you feel it'll only make her feel perhaps guilt that she doesn't feel the same, pity, or some other emotion that isn't equal to yours. she might reciprocate to make you happy and string you along, but it seems like you two are not in the same place Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 so why the heck is she OLDing? Unless she specified in her profile "not interested in anything serious or just looking to make friends" then she was misleading. If those words aren't in her profile then her "reason" to you is false. She just wasn't interested in pursuing a dating relationship with you. Sure you guys can hang out and be friends but it won't go anywhere which won't work for you. Plus, my guess is the minute she meets someone she is into, your friendship probably won't be much of a priority. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PBuddy Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 so why the heck is she OLDing? Unless she specified in her profile "not interested in anything serious or just looking to make friends" then she was misleading. If those words aren't in her profile then her "reason" to you is false. She just wasn't interested in pursuing a dating relationship with you. Sure you guys can hang out and be friends but it won't go anywhere which won't work for you. Plus, my guess is the minute she meets someone she is into, your friendship probably won't be much of a priority. Good intuitive question. She's no longer on line dating. She went off Match.com just around the time she gave me her "excuse". That doesn't mean I fully buy her excuse. There is someone else I believe be it extrmely casual as she does indeed not 'date' much. OK, I've accepted the no go, so what I'm hearing is it serves me no purpose to tell her I have the hots for her. I know she 'likes me", but I'm in that damn friend zone. Yeah...it doesn't make sense to fess up. Before posting here I was leaning towards opening up to her, as I've read in articles that I would owe her that as her friend. But I really don't. As long as I don't cross any boundaries I can still be her friend, and there's nothing wrong with that, as long I don't drive myself crazy with the attraction. So what I'm doing is accepting the obvious, continue being her friend, continue to prowl on line or other, and gauge my own emotions about the friendship. Who knows maybe I'll find out for myself, Billy Crystal was indeed right. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Wait.. you said there is someone else she sees casually? I don't want to sound mean but I would completely move on from the friendship and everything. She dated you and got somewhat intimate and then told you she wanted to just be friends. I am newly divorced and have little kids and I've used this on men before that I wasn't that into. believe me, if someone that she was really into came along she'd make time. As long as she is in your life at any level considering how you feel about her no one else will compare. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PBuddy Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Not sure if I'm following Sunny Side. Are you saying this lady is using our friendship? What exactly is it you have used on men? You're also saying that as long as I am friends that will emotionally complicate my other dating pursuits? She'll spend time with me here and there. We have similiar life circumstances with two young children, BS with the exs etc. we have a lot to commiserate about. We have many interests in common. We laugh together etc. what's wrong with all that? Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 things would have progressed by now if she felt the same way. I think she finds you intellectually stimulating or something like that but maybe not physically stirring? Please don't be offended, you said so yourself you think she's just using excuses so nothings happening on the physical front. Revealing your true feelings for her places you in a vulnerable position and might be awkward for her. You should continue your search for "the one". Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
SmartDude Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 OP, I think you already have a very healthy attitude twards this situation. You know you are attracted to her but you are not going to get carried away either. Some people do not have that kind of confidence and only see things in a matter of loosing or wining. If you can have a non-attatched attitude, and you enjoy her company, I don't see a problem. You don't need to tell her. She probably already knows. So just be cool, If her perspective changes you will know. There will be that twinkle in her eye and her actions will mirror her feelings. Sometimes words are useless. Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 We've been out a few times as friends, and I have not pursued or hinted at anything else with that or our correspondences. Big mistake, no good can come out of this because she's already dating someone else. I really really like this girl. I'm having feelings I haven't had since divorce, and after going out with a lot of woman. You answered your own question. You can be just friends because you have feelings for her and want to date this girl. That will never happen if you keep doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Don't be friends with someone you are attracted to, who is not attracted to you. It's too painful, and messy. Go no contact from now on. Link to post Share on other sites
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