Would you stay...even with this history?

[Mommame2]

We got married 13 years ago. It was clear from the start that he was pretty stubborn and cheap. We worked in the same industry and I was on track to make good money, but his position (no matter how talented) would never pay as much as mine.

 

Anyway he was the "bad boy". Never seemed to want me so I chased him harder. He was rude to me and hurtful many times but I wanted to tame that wild horse. I fell in love with the idea of him.

 

He proposed and I knew (after complaining about him a lot to family/friends) that I shouldn't say yes. But I did.

 

I took a job in another city and he came with. I got him the job at my company. He was extremely good but he was difficult to work with. But we became the go to couple at work. We were excellent as a team. He liked to tell me what to do, but I looked past it because we were winning awards etc. He was handsome and I found him to be a partner.

 

Anyway our work was our life. We kept moving around the country with the company and we eventually got to the point where we had a baby. (After 6 years of marriage).

 

This despite the fact that I was feeling used and beaten down by his attitude etc. While I was pregnant, we had a tenant in a house we owned that abandoned the property and I had to handle the whole thing. Even flew out to the house to get it on the market... Alone. We ended up losing our new house and filing bankruptcy because he refused to get a second job etc to help out $$$ wise. It was a horrible time. Yet I tried my best to keep my chin up... As a pregnant mom.

 

After our son was born... Things changed. It all boiled down to one moment. Our dog (like our first child) attacked our son and I had to bear the dog off of him. When I told my husband what happened .. He called me a liar. Forbid me from adopting her out and then told me he wanted the dog put to sleep WITH HIM because no one could take as good of care of her as he could.

 

I nearly left him that night but somehow he came around. I adopted the dog out and took care of the issue. But I was devastated.

 

From there life got worse. He had meltdowns constantly. And continued having money trouble. We lived over our means and he wanted the big house again. He put all pressure on me to make more money. I became enabler.

 

Eventually we were again so in debt despite the fact that I was making BIG money.. He asked me to file bankruptcy alone. The debt was mainly in my name because he was slow to rebuild his credit.

 

Even the day he picked out my real wedding ring.. He asked me to fill out a credit application to buy it. And I did....

 

S@x turned into a chore for me. I was growing very resentful. And when we did get intimate ... It was always to his benefit. Not mine.

 

We did therapy on and off. It turned out that he says he was raped by a man when he was 24 ... A guy he continued to be friends with for the year after. He told me he wasn't gay....

 

He avoided going to events with me... Saying he didn't like crowds. And I eventually asked him for a separation. It was when I was moving to a new city for promotion and he eventually came. And I let him back into our lives because I was scared he was going to commit suicide.

 

My mom was visiting at the time and one day I came home from work and discovered that he told her that he thought I was having an affair and that I was a cheating whore. He also told her that I was sexually abused by a family friend as a teenager. (My secret) (Before even talking to me about fears). She and my father ended up disowning me and about a week later my father died in a car crash.

 

My husband told me he was sorry for what happened. My family didn't even want me at my father's funeral. He then wanted me to sue my mom for my dad's life insurance because he felt that I would eventually be cut out of the will. (Thanks to what he told them about me). I didn't sue but word spread and my mom will never trust me again.

 

The truth is I did end up being unfaithful during that separation time. But Dh never talked to me about it... Only my Mom and Dad.

 

That was 4 years ago and I've stayed in this marriage. I've wanted to cheat. There's been little s@x. Lots of financial drama. He stopped working so he could start his own business and be a "stay at home dad" for our 8 year old who doesn't get out of school until 3:15 every day.

 

I'm now thinking of finally leaving. My therapy has shown me a lot. But I'm terrified. Very very scared. And don't want to ruin our son's life.

 

We rarely fight. But we don't laugh or touch.

 

Can I ask... Would you stay?

 

He now makes me dinners. Acts like the doting husband often and I think he really does love me. (In his own way). I think that's why I stay. He tried to take me to date night when the opportunity arises. He takes good care of our son. But he was recently offered a very good paying job that would take a lot of our $$$ problems away but he turned it down because it involved a lot if travel and he said he wouldn't be able to coach our son's soccer team.

Edited March 9, 2014 by Mommame2

[janedoe67]

No, I would not stay

[melell]

When I read your post all I can think is that neither of you are happy- as independent individuals, let alone as a couple.

 

There is potential that you could both be more miserable apart, but being apart would give you both the opportunity to at least try to be happy as individuals.

 

The history you have mentioned- no, I wouldn't consider any of those things to be unforgivable.. people do and say things that they shouldn't for all sorts of reasons. If they can go on to treat you well, I would consider that worth staying. If nothing changes, and the continue to do things, then yeah, I would leave- it depends on how much time you are willing to give to this, and how much effort is applied.

 

Bottom line- you want to cheat, neither of you can adjust to mutually cope with the financial stress, and both of you seem to have conflicting perspectives on a range of things.

 

To me, aside from the past, it just seems like there are some really big compatibility issues.

[Mommame2]

Thank you for your feedback...

 

I think the hardest part is that he knows when I get stronger and consider leaving because that is when he starts getting much nicer and attentive.

 

But, the biggest problem I struggle with is... I see him at public events and I hear him say totally inappropriate things and I become uncomfortable. He just has a way of being sarcastic and offending people.

 

He doesn't usually mean to be mean (I know that) but he is a liability to me at times.

 

For example, when we went to a school event the other day for our son he saw 2 other parents there who we barely knew. They both had on black styled winter coats. And he screamed out "what, you guys went to the black puffer jacket isle and couldn't find anything else?"

 

It's just those little things that make me think... Who are you?

[Mommame2]

Yes, I am still going to talk to a therapist. The problem is I've been to several over the yeas and they get frustrated with me...because I waver so much. And I often feel like I disappoint them.....

 

 

And just when I think I need to suck it up and just "deal" I get texts (while at work) complaining about how our child spilled chocolate milk and that he didn't notify anyone in time.

 

 

Or that he emailed someone and he didn't like their response.

 

 

Is that latter stuff...normal in marriage? To get that constant barrage of negativity during the day? For example, one day I was in the middle of a tv interview and he texted me ...like crazy. I thought something was wrong. Instead,he was sending video of a plumbing problem in our house.

 

 

Is that normal?

[writergal]

I think you already know what you want to do, but you have to follow through with the decision yourself because it's your decision, no one else's. You have only yourself to answer to, not your therapists, not friends, or anonymous members of a forum. Whatever decision you make, you will have to live with the consequences.