Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Been back with an ex a month now. Dated for years. She dumped me. Broken up for 6 months with very limited contact. At first the feelings were strong when she came back now it just feels weird not like the first time around. Is this normal? Will it fade away and feel normal? Should I just give up now Link to post Share on other sites
RockGuy87 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Me and my ex split up for awhile and got back together. Feelings were there and it was awesome. But about after 2 weeks split again. Doesnt mean it will happen to you but feeling this way already isnt a good sign. Think of how brand new relationships feel at the start and how long that lasts... Getting back with an ex has to be like a new relationship (leave the bad things from the past in the past). Both of you probably liked the familiarity but after that wears off now what? The character Barney on How I Met Your Mother has a quote about women that says "New is always better". Lol I try to think of that when I have thoughts of my ex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 I think I question if her reasons she gave me for coming back are truly genuine. I treated her well and she left once. I don't necessarily resent her but things feel awkward Link to post Share on other sites
RockGuy87 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Newguy I let the same thing happen. I took care of her better than anyone else had. I had taken her back numerous times over the years and finally found out someone of those times were because something bad had happened to her or in her life. We might make it a few more months after that but she always left again when she got on her feet. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 ...Old relationship is DEAD, GONE! It will not feel like the last one. I think when people have that expectation (and I would assume the majority would lean that way) then it is a bad starting point. An as the OP said, you have resentment there....if you can't let that go, this will never work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Yeah I don't know if she's back for genuine reasons and I'm familiar and comfortable for her. I don't want to be settled for Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 ...Old relationship is DEAD, GONE! It will not feel like the last one. I think when people have that expectation (and I would assume the majority would lean that way) then it is a bad starting point. An as the OP said, you have resentment there....if you can't let that go, this will never work. Good advice. Do you believe a second try at an old relationship can work, Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Those thoughts won't go away until you deal with them. You already know what you're feeling, so next step is to look for ways to fix it. These feelings are normal with couples who've reconciled. There's always lingering thoughts after the excitement of getting back together. Honestly, it's a slim chance the relationship will survive the second time around. Unfortunately I don't know if I can truly forget the past and "start new with her" I know chances are slim it sucks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 It's so weird how awkward things feel between us. 6 months ago and for 3.5 years she and I were so close Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 I feel you man. But sometimes you have to man up and face the truth. It seems you're already feeling doubt and resentment that it will work and if you feel this way now, it doesn't get any better. It actually becomes poison that will slowly kill the relationship because subconsciously you're not going to put 100% into the relationship. Can't tell you what to do but can only say, you have to find what's right for you and your relationship. Being aware of your feelings is the first step. Great advice. I know that having doubt already will kill the relationship. I have a lot to think about and decide. I think I got wrapped up in the initial excitement of getting back together Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Are you questioning what happened in that 6 months apart? No not at all. I dated during that time and she did too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Everyone does. It's a natural automatic response to get back with an ex. But most people don't realize or understand how to deal with the aftermath. There's a lot of emotions that comes with getting back with an ex. Good luck man. Thanks for the advice appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Good advice. Do you believe a second try at an old relationship can work, No. I believe a new relationship with someone from the past can.....but you aren't there. I don't know all the past of your relationship but above everything if there isn't forgiveness from the start it'll never work. That is not to say you didn't have a reason to be hurt, pissed resentful or that you should just roll over like a well feed puppy. There needs to be a discussion....and when it is over, it should not be thrown on the table again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 No. I believe a new relationship with someone from the past can.....but you aren't there. I don't know all the past of your relationship but above everything if there isn't forgiveness from the start it'll never work. That is not to say you didn't have a reason to be hurt, pissed resentful or that you should just roll over like a well feed puppy. There needs to be a discussion....and when it is over, it should not be thrown on the table again. I don't resent her. We talked it all out. I just can't say I have no doubts this will work because I do Link to post Share on other sites
babycakees Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I've been down this road before. I was much younger, 19 in fact. My first love broke up with me. I went NC for 2 months and he text me out of the blue. He wanted to get together and at first I was very hesitant, but went out anyhow. We got back together that night. It felt like no time had ever passed at first. Then things quickly changed and he became very distant. Broke up with me about 5 months later. Doesn't mean this will happen to you, but I am now a firm believer in an ex is an ex for a reason. There isn't anyone from my past anymore that I would give another chance. It only makes you feel like a fool the second time when it doesn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 You have every right to be filled with doubts but you need to figure out what you want to do. It's not fair for BOTH of you to be in a relationship that is not serving each other in a good way. Gonna think about everything talk it out with her and figure out what to do Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 I've been down this road before. I was much younger, 19 in fact. My first love broke up with me. I went NC for 2 months and he text me out of the blue. He wanted to get together and at first I was very hesitant, but went out anyhow. We got back together that night. It felt like no time had ever passed at first. Then things quickly changed and he became very distant. Broke up with me about 5 months later. Doesn't mean this will happen to you, but I am now a firm believer in an ex is an ex for a reason. There isn't anyone from my past anymore that I would give another chance. It only makes you feel like a fool the second time when it doesn't work. I hear that saying a lot an ex is an ex for a reason. I'll definitely be kicking myself if I get fooled twice Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Broke up because I was working 80 hours a week due to the company I supervise at having problems. She was sick of me not seeing her but I knew the work bs was only temporary. Back to working normal hours Been back with an ex a month now. Dated for years. She dumped me. Broken up for 6 months with very limited contact. At first the feelings were strong when she came back now it just feels weird not like the first time around. Is this normal? Will it fade away and feel normal? Should I just give up now Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) Broke up because I was working 80 hours a week due to the company I supervise at having problems. She was sick of me not seeing her but I knew the work bs was only temporary. Back to working normal hours Been back with an ex a month now. Dated for years. She dumped me. Broken up for 6 months with very limited contact. At first the feelings were strong when she came back now it just feels weird not like the first time around. Is this normal? Will it fade away and feel normal? Should I just give up now There are numerous reasons why it feels like that. It's funny because a lot of people on here would give away their first born child just to get back with their ex and if they actually do, it doesnt end up anywhere near where they thought it would. There is a different dynamic right now. Maybe some trust is gone...sometimes, the feeling isnt as sweet. The "innocence" is gone. I see it happen a lot actually. It doesnt feel the same because it isn't. It's a new relationship with someone you use to date. Giving up is not a good term....but maybe re-evaluate what you really want. If you feel that it isnt going to work, trust your gut. If you feel like this is the one, then communicate and let her know whats bothering you. If I were you, I'd REALLY have a long sit down with myself and think this over. Second chance relationships arent always the cats meow. Edited March 10, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newguy879 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 There are numerous reasons why it feels like that. It's funny because a lot of people on here would give away their first born child just to get back with their ex and if they actually do, it doesnt end up anywhere near where they thought it would. There is a different dynamic right now. Maybe some trust is gone...sometimes, the feeling isnt as sweet. The "innocence" is gone. I see it happen a lot actually. It doesnt feel the same because it isn't. It's a new relationship with someone you use to date. Giving up is not a good term....but maybe re-evaluate what you really want. If you feel that it isnt going to work, trust your gut. If you feel like this is the one, then communicate and let her know whats bothering you. If I were you, I'd REALLY have a long sit down with myself and think this over. Second chance relationships arent always the cats meow. I just feel like if she left me during hard times in my life before what wouldn't stop her from Doing it again Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I just feel like if she left me during hard times in my life before what wouldn't stop her from Doing it again Sounds like the main issue is trust, then. If you don't feel "safe" in the relationship...well, it'll cause enough worry and anxiety that it'll kill any positive "lovey" feelings you may have. As Confused said, you'll have to have a long sit-down with yourself think this over. If you're holding onto how it felt the first time around, or if you're holding onto the pain and worry from the breakup, you'll just guarantee that this "second chance" won't work. And, if it IS going to work, this girl needs to EARN your trust again. It may be worth telling her exactly how you feel - that you don't feel like you trust her completely. If she's got an ounce of sense in her head and wants this to work, she'll understand why and will do whatever she can to earn it back. If she's on the fence about this reconciliation, this'll shake her loose early and you'll be free to move on knowing that she wasn't ever REALLY into it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 I just feel like if she left me during hard times in my life before what wouldn't stop her from Doing it again You hit the nail on the head. It sounds like trust was broken. You WANT to care the same way you did, but it's different now. It's not awful to feel this way and in fact, is very normal. I totally agree with what PF said....if you feel like this, let her know. You'll be able to tell how into this and how into it you are when you see her reaction. Keep strong Link to post Share on other sites
Storm_Chaser Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Broke up because I was working 80 hours a week due to the company I supervise at having problems. She was sick of me not seeing her but I knew the work bs was only temporary. Back to working normal hours Been back with an ex a month now. Dated for years. She dumped me. Broken up for 6 months with very limited contact. At first the feelings were strong when she came back now it just feels weird not like the first time around. Is this normal? Will it fade away and feel normal? Should I just give up now Had you all never broken up over anything during the years that you were together? If this is your first break-up, then maybe you do still have some residual bad feelings toward her--like you can't trust her not to break up with you again if you can't spend all of your time with her, etc.. (I think you mention that possibility in the latter threads.) Anyway, are you in love with this woman? If so, stick it out and talk to her about your feelings. If not, then I would suggest not wasting any more of your or her time. Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 I just feel like if she left me during hard times in my life before what wouldn't stop her from Doing it again This is why it you feel this way. You're not over the past. I know what you mean about things feeling awkward....in a sense. My ex and I are sort of seeing each other again, not official, but casually dating and working on things. (search for my thread if you want). From what I'm noticing, its difficult to fall for her again. I don't know if I am, not because of resentment of her breaking up with me - because I'm sort of glad it happened, it did make me a better person and I built up other relationships I would have overlooked. I think its more of a sense that you realize you may have been better off, so you buried the emotions you once had. Its difficult to rebuild those relationships again, or, attempt to dig them up. Because you've grown as an individual, you've changed. So, the person you are now, isn't the person you were then, and you're realizing things you've overlooked in the past. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 I agree with xUnknown, but I'd like to add the following: People have a hard time letting go of the past. We hold onto how past relationships FEEL, and forget that new relationships (even with an old partner) are different. Several friends have dumped their significant others because "it didn't feel the way I EXPECTED it to" or "it didn't feel like my last relationship". Well...it's not suppose to. You and your ex are different people now...you just happen to have history. By holding onto the past too tightly, the good stuff as well as the bad stuff, you're not giving yourself completely to the new relationship. Now, I can't blame you. There are trust issues. You're defenses are up even more than they would be in a new relationship. It's the whole "once bitten, twice shy" thing. If you search xUnknown's thread, he and his ex have been trying his absolute best to "forget" the past and move forward. THIS is how most reconciliations work (when they DO work) - both people "break up" with the old relationship and create a new one. My previous suggestion still stands - talk to her, but I'll add in: let go. Let go of your expectations and anxieties. Holding onto the past restricts you from living confidently in the present and sailing into the future you want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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