To Trust or not to Trust....That is the serious Question

[inlove?&confused]

For the past two months I have had a hard time trusting my boyfriend. We have been together for over a year now and have become very involved with eachother. He is older than I am and able to go out to bars while I am not. I am away at school and am not able to see him very often. I have noticed lately that I become aggrivated and a little mad when he goes out and parties with out me. He has never given me a reason to not trust him but for some reason I can not get the idea of him cheating on me out of my head. The only reason I have to not trust him is that a unreliable source told me that he cheated on a previous girlfriend. I have asked him about this and of course he denied it...but who wouldnt.

 

We have a very open relationship and try to talk to eachother about everything that bothers us. He has noticed my bad mood after he goes out with out me. I do not want to be a controlling girlfriend and I Want him to go out and have fun without me but I cannot seem to control these very strong emotions. He confronted me about my bad mood and I told him that I was afraid that my moods may pull us apart and that I did not want him to start lying to me about what he is doing or where he is going in order to avoid my moodiness or an argument. He then said, "Honestly, if this keeps up, it would be easy for me to just not tell you." Or in other words lie to me about what he is doing. I could not believe he said that to me. I do not know what to think of it. I honestly love this guy and do not want to lose him, i just dont know how to trust him and how to deal with my emotions. Please help me!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

"Honestly, if this keeps up, it would be easy for me to just not tell you." Or in other words lie to me about what he is doing.

 

He is being brutally honest. When you are dealing with a very jealous, moody and unreasonable person it IS easier to just lie to them when you know you are innocent. Telling them the truth about things - innocent things at that - can mean hours and hours of emotional upheaval, fighting, tears, insecure rants and so on - because no matter how innocent it is, a jealous and insecure person will read more into it nine times out of ten.

 

Trust me, no one likes having to feed and care for the 'green eyed' monster in the relationship, so we do whatever we can to avoid bringing it out. If it means lying about completely innocent things to avoid unwanted and unwarranted emotional tantrums - then we'll do it. Lying is bad. Being held completely responsible for someone else's security, happiness and well being is worse - particularly when we have to radically adjust our own lives to appease someone else's insecure needs. So, we choose the lesser of the two evils. Its an ugly, harsh and brutal truth.

 

Your jealousy and insecurity is your problem to fix. If you don't - it will hijack and kill every relationship you try to have. Have you considered talking to a counselor about how you are feeling? It will help to get to the bottom of why you feel this way and try to root it out and work toward a greater sense of self esteem and security: the kind that comes within.

[savethedrama4allama]

inlove,

 

Obviously you're pretty young if you can't get into bars yet, and jealousy is something that I think most of us have to test the limits of and learn about in our youth. I do not understand why you cannot attend these parties with him, when you're in the area. Does he make you feel left out? I dated a 24 year old when I was 20 and he would go out to bars without me sometimes, which I understood, but usually he would try to find an 18-and-up place or go to a party where I could attend as well. Nobody likes to feel left out of their partners fun time, which may be what you're feeling more than jealousy of other women per se. If you find this to be true, sit down and explain that its not that you don't trust him, but that you feel left out. Maybe an LDR is not right for you?

 

When he goes out without you to bars or parties, what are you doing in the meantime? If he insists on going out without you on a regular basis, make sure you are with your friends having your own fun.

[hugznkisses21]

I hear ya i battle this on an ongoing basis myself but before i make a mood outta it and approach him on it i think things over....I have my moment ofcourse where I need his reassurance or this board for reassurance.....but I am seeing a councellor to learn to trust after being decieved before. Sometimes what makes me feel better is when I hear...he is with u for a reason....or even saying to myself...why would he cheat when it would just be easier to leave then do what he wants.....but i feel your pain and it is tough....maybe talk to someone it may help

[Pocky]

I do not understand all this difficulty with people trusting other people. If you're so scared to death to live your life then just lock yourself up in your room. That way you will be sure that no one will every hurt you and you will never ever suffer.

 

Suffering is a part of life. If you deny that experience, you deny life.

[hugznkisses21]

ur right u dont understand....thats ok though

[Pocky]

Originally posted by hugznkisses21

ur right u dont understand....thats ok though

 

Thanks.

[NiCoLe20]

well i think maybe ur conscience might be trying to tell you something... listen to that voice and trust ur instincts... ive been in the same problem before and it turned out he was doing things i wouldnt like behind my back.... but then again it could be nothing at all... talk to him and see if you can go to a party w/ him and see how he acts

[inlove?&confused]

I would like to thank everyone for giving me advice. I agree with most of what you tell me. Recently there has been a death in the family, my aunt, who was like a mother to me. As a result I have been depressed. When I try to go out and Have fun with my friends, or with Steve- my boyfriend it is impossible. I feel like i am bringing everyone else down with me and pushing them away. I know Steve is a good guy and I am not so jealous of him finding another woman, just the fact that he is going out and having fun without me. I know this sounds childish but when I find out he is going out i get slightly annoyed and a little sad. I can not controll these feelings...believe me, i want to. They just take over me. I need to get over my sadness and start having fun again, but it is just so hard!!!

 

Whenever i do get to see steve we go to a local bowling alley because that is all our town has other than bars for entertainment. Our town is very small. Eventually I became bored with the bowling alley and told steve this. He became frustrated and annoyed because he was just going there so I could come along. We need some ideas of things to do, when there is nothing to do! I have made an appointment to go see a counselor about some of my problems.

 

More advice?

[hugznkisses21]

I understand what u are saying.....my bf goes to bars with his frinds when he goes with the guys.....and when im with him we rarely do bars....so sometimes i think he just goes to have the real fun with his buddies.....but i see what u are saying. Maybe think outside of the box. Plan a weekend trip? and inexpensive one even to go outside town. But let him do the bars....its that age. I dont do the bars taht often cause im bored of it quite frankly and my bf is sometimes too but he NEEDS that time with his buddies....and if u dont give it to im no questions asked he will get defensive. Like i said maybe go on a road trip over night somewhere?

[hugznkisses21]

i definately know what it is like to expierence loss.....and explain this to your bf about your depression...im sure he will understand

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Telling them the truth about things - innocent things at that - can mean hours and hours of emotional upheaval, fighting, tears, insecure rants and so on - because no matter how innocent it is, a jealous and insecure person will read more into it nine times out of ten.

 

And unfortunately 99% of people are weak and choose the easy path for themselves. They lie to avoid conflict. Then the lies are discovered. Then there *is* a reason to distrust and that cycles into more fights and more lying. Of course, if people would do the right thing and discuss the problem--even if they are innocent and it does lead to an intense conversation--the downward spiral could be stopped before it started.

 

But, of course, it takes honest people with strong willpower to make this happen; traits which are extremely uncommon in the average person.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by tanbark813

 

 

And unfortunately 99% of people are weak and choose the easy path for themselves. They lie to avoid conflict. Then the lies are discovered. Then there *is* a reason to distrust and that cycles into more fights and more lying. Of course, if people would do the right thing and discuss the problem--even if they are innocent and it does lead to an intense conversation--the downward spiral could be stopped before it started.

 

But, of course, it takes honest people with strong willpower to make this happen; traits which are extremely uncommon in the average person.

 

 

OMG- LYING TO AVOID CONFLICT. I could write a book about it with my current bf. Its come to the point where I think enough may be enough. It breaks all trust. Your post just really hit a nerve with me.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

OMG- LYING TO AVOID CONFLICT. I could write a book about it with my current bf. Its come to the point where I think enough may be enough. It breaks all trust. Your post just really hit a nerve with me.

 

Believe me, lying to avoid conflict was the running theme throughout the year I was with my most recent ex gf. It sucks an inordinate amount of a$$ and I finally learned, after many emotional beatings, that people like that are too spineless to change.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by tanbark813

 

 

Believe me, lying to avoid conflict was the running theme throughout the year I was with my most recent ex gf. It sucks an inordinate amount of a$$ and I finally learned, after many emotional beatings, that people like that are too spineless to change.

 

 

"An inordinate amount of a$$" okay I'm cracking up over here. Beyond that, how depressing. I feel exactly like I've had numerous emotional beatings, and now I'm beat down. I've tolerated more crap from this guy than I would have from anyone else, and its because he keeps jumping the line I've drawn by just a tiiiiiny bit, making excuses for himself, promising to change. But something attracts me to him still. Now I'm crying at work.

 

And I'm sorry inlove, I've totally hijacked your thread.