Mommame2 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 So in addition to my previous post, (sorry it was so long) I actually think it would be much easier for me if my husband filed divorce. It hit me today that I need HIM to file. But I'm the money train for him. And I don't know how to get him to leave me. He knew about me being unfaithful when we seperated once before. And he still stayed. He destroyed my reputation. But he stayed. How could I get him to leave ME? Without telling him I'm cheating or something awful. What can I do? We don't have s@x as it is... Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 So in addition to my previous post, (sorry it was so long) I actually think it would be much easier for me if my husband filed divorce. It hit me today that I need HIM to file. What difference does it make if you file or he files? Why would you NEED him to file? Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 There is no way to get him to. He's got it too good where he stands now. Why are you worried about who does the filing? Half the time, people I know who divorce - the filing is done by the least lazy partner, regardless of who wants it. Do you feel there's a stigma associated with being the one who files? Because he'll whine later 'But, SHE divorced ME!'?. I understand where you're coming from. But anyone who knew me and my ex, and the situation, absolutely did not 'blame' me for leaving him. They knew who the abusive, drug dependent one was. Start getting your financial ducks in a row. As the primary bread winner, you could be looking at supporting him. That bankruptcy thing is worrisome. Keep your wits about you, and start getting together the stuff you need to file, without letting him know you're doing it. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Your post gives off some really, REALLY bad vibes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 The lawyer said financially ... If he files ... It would help me. That's why I am asking.... Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 The lawyer said financially ... If he files ... It would help me. That's why I am asking.... You need a new lawyer then. As far as distribution of assets, etc., it shouldn't make any difference who files first. Maybe your lawyer is hoping that if you husband files he might be in a different mindset so as to ask for less because he wants it to be over sooner? If that's the case, you need a new lawyer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 You need a new lawyer then. As far as distribution of assets, etc., it shouldn't make any difference who files first. Maybe your lawyer is hoping that if you husband files he might be in a different mindset so as to ask for less because he wants it to be over sooner? If that's the case, you need a new lawyer. Agree with this. If you file, you're in control. I wrote things into my decree that my ex never noticed, or bothered to check into. It worked in my favor. Get another opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 So basically you cheated on him, blamed him for ruining your reputation, and now you want to try and manipulate the situation into your favor so you can come out ahead. Gee, I wonder why more men aren't rushing to get married ? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 No, you really need to read the whole history. I did cheat -- while we were separated. But, that was when we were broken up.... and he used that time to turn my family and friends against me. And I'm not trying to get anything in my favor...I am the breadwinner and he is the one who is not pulling his share...never has. And I think he stays ONLY to keep in good graces and get money. He hasn't had s*x with me in a long time....says he doesn't want it. He drags me down in a lot of areas...and even drove me into bankruptcy. So...I think it's important that you see all of the sides here. Link to post Share on other sites
disclosure Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 So basically you cheated on him, blamed him for ruining your reputation, and now you want to try and manipulate the situation into your favor so you can come out ahead. Gee, I wonder why more men aren't rushing to get married ? This. These kinds of people make me lose faith in the relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Better get ready to pay up, there is no easy way out. That is the nature of divorce. Hence many people are hesitant of getting married. Good luck, and focus on moving ahead, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. The situation you are in right now isn't doing you any favors either. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 He knew about me being unfaithful when we seperated once before. And he still stayed.He obviously was a sucker for your charm. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I did cheat -- while we were separated. But, that was when we were broken up.... and he used that time to turn my family and friends against me. Right. It's always good to follow up "I did cheat" with a "But" And I'm not trying to get anything in my favor...I am the breadwinner and he is the one who is not pulling his share...never has. And I think he stays ONLY to keep in good graces and get money. Soooooo you're not trying to get anything in your favour, but your trying to get him to file first because it's in your favour. That about sum it up? Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 So wait.. I suppose technically it is cheating if you were still legally married, but being separated means you weren't together right? Did you have a legal separation or just split up for a bit? I'm just curious... because if you were split up then it's not cheating (unless you didn't file a legal separation) As for getting him to file first... I don't think it matters who files first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Yes that's correct. We were separated. Not living together when it happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Yes that's correct. We were separated. Not living together when it happened. This is off topic from your thread starter... but why are you making it out like you did something wrong? If you both chose to separate, then is it really cheating? What was the purpose of the split? Why are you back with him if you don't want to be with him? Why not just go, file the separation papers, file the divorce papers and be done with it? If you wait around on him to file, he may never do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Well, we got back together because he got a job and said he loved me and wanted to make it work. Now days, he is the doting husband. He is doing freelance work only and he REALLY wants to keep it that way. I got him an interview for a very good government job and he didn't want it. He is just doing this freelance stuff and happy because he has free time... I think he tries to keep the peace with me by consistently trying to run errands for me or making me dinner. However, he also bombards me with text messages all day complaining about our child or complaining about SOMETHING. The other day he posted on FB that he was mad at our garbage men ...he's just THAT kind of mentality. He loves me. I can see that. We don't have s*x...probably because I don't initiate....but for along time he just didn't want it. We don't talk much about anything....but I know that HE would never cheat on me. He just likes being a loner and has told me that. Today I was thinking maybe I would be a better wife/person if I didn't have to work so hard and carry the burden. But, truth is I make well over 6 figures. I thought about asking him if he would be willing to allow me to quit for a less stressful job and downsize....etc. I think that will be my last resort. I'm sure he will say "sure"....but he will panic at last minute and tell me I can't do it...because we have too many bills. Is it feasible for me to ask him to ask him to carry more of the load? I mean some people might say that's not fair to ask someone who has always made less ...to try to carry us. I'm not saying I wouldn't work AT ALL -- but I'd like to stop all the stress and find something far less intense. This way I would get more time with our son too....Right now, I only take him to school and see him for an hour at dinner. That's it. Is that asking too much? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) Yes. I do think you're asking too much. It is utterly incomprehensible that on one hand you would publicly ask for insight into make your husband initiate filing for divorce, while on the other hand exclaim that you want him to remain with you and carry some of your own responsibilities. I'm stunned by how your thoughts have jumped all over the place. I would also suggest seeking legal counsel elsewhere. Pick up the phone and call your state's bar association, browse the phonebook, at least consider getting a different legal opinion from a professional. Look, let's be honest here- This is the internet. Anybody can claim absolutely anything. I've never heard of a financial incentive for a spouse to file the divorce papers before. My most immediate thought is that your unusual request has less to do with anything a lawyer has said and more to do with saving face. I do not know what your circumstance are. But I do know that if this is the case for you: It's okay. Those involved with couples going through a divorce will not care who took the initiative. You have to be willing to do whatever is best for you regardless of what others may believe. Edited March 10, 2014 by ThatMan phone swapped out words Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 I understand what you are saying "thatman"....I think what you are hearing is my honest fear in making any decision. This is not easy for me. I don't want to hurt him and I thought....maybe if he could help take the load off my shoulders...then maybe our lives would be better. He drove me into bankruptcy and didn't want to file....so he could keep his own good credit. And then ...he is turning down work? I mean I don't think that's really asking him to take MY responsibilities...but more so....carry half the weight...as a partner. He has no idea that I am considering divorce. He knows I've considered it numerous times before, but I don't threaten him. I figured that wouldn't be a very good way to get any "good" results. I have addressed my issues with him calmly and gently...but it hasn't really changed a whole lot. He told me tonight that he turned down a 4 thousand dollar job this month because he felt that it involved too much travel....and he didn't think it was worth it. I asked him if that was really a good idea? And he said ...yeah...well you told me that you wanted me to avoid traveling a ton...so I thought that would be bad. I responded with....well, it's only a few trips in ONE month....instead of a FULL TIME job that involves 50 percent travel. He got angry with me and said "well, I guess I just screwed up AGAIN, huh". So...I got the tone and then the conversation was over. Bottom line, our relationship is fine if I don't express my opinion, ask for any help...encourage more work (on his part) .... but if I ask for xyz or even for him to take a 4k freelance job....I get the tone. Is that unreasonable of me? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Then just file for the divorce! Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 So in addition to my previous post, (sorry it was so long) I actually think it would be much easier for me if my husband filed divorce. It hit me today that I need HIM to file. But I'm the money train for him. And I don't know how to get him to leave me. He knew about me being unfaithful when we seperated once before. And he still stayed. He destroyed my reputation. But he stayed. How could I get him to leave ME? Without telling him I'm cheating or something awful. What can I do? We don't have s@x as it is... If you cheated, the you ruined your own reputation. Look if you don't want the guy in your life and he's causing you grief, then file and be done with it. Why continue. Link to post Share on other sites
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