Don't love my fiance in love with another man

[Minty3]

Hi everyone. I'm 27 years old. My fiance is 31. I have been engaged for 1 year now, living together for 3 years. My fiance is verbally abusive to me due to PTSD because of certain childhood events and probably due to something he did to me which I will not say (yet). I never loved him, I just stuck by him because he needed someone. I met a guy 3.5 months ago and I am in love with him. I have not cheated yet because I feel stressed out and mentally drained from the relationship I am currently in; but I want to. He doesn't let me leave. Please help.

[whichwayisup]

What do you mean he doesn't 'let' you leave? Tell your family and friends what is going on and ask them for help for you to move out. Involve the police if need be.

[Never Again]

Fair warning:

 

If you've only met this new man 3.5 months ago, there's a good chance you're not REALLY in love with him, but are infatuated with him and see him as a safe escape from your fiance.

 

You need to leave your current relationship, that much is certain.

 

As you've experienced abuse, I'd suggest counseling and some significant alone time before you even consider a new relationship. If you try to date this new man now, even IF you're really in love with him (which is questionable, honestly), you stand a good chance of ruining everything because of the emotional baggage you'll be bringing along.

 

Take care of yourself first. Everything else will go from there.

[redbaron005]

Fair warning:

 

If you've only met this new man 3.5 months ago, there's a good chance you're not REALLY in love with him, but are infatuated with him and see him as a safe escape from your fiance.

 

You need to leave your current relationship, that much is certain.

 

As you've experienced abuse, I'd suggest counseling and some significant alone time before you even consider a new relationship. If you try to date this new man now, even IF you're really in love with him (which is questionable, honestly), you stand a good chance of ruining everything because of the emotional baggage you'll be bringing along.

 

Take care of yourself first. Everything else will go from there.

 

I second this.

[d0nnivain]

Leaving is easier than you think. You tell him it's over & you move out. Yes, that is emotionally difficult but it's better than marrying a man you don't love. I just hope you can get all of your wedding deposits back.

[Mr.Milked]

Hi everyone. I'm 27 years old. My fiance is 31. I have been engaged for 1 year now, living together for 3 years. My fiance is verbally abusive to me due to PTSD because of certain childhood events and probably due to something he did to me which I will not say (yet). I never loved him, I just stuck by him because he needed someone.

I can imagine that you must be pretty "verbally" abusive yourself.

You may set that hurt little thing that "needed someone" free now so as to not fall any deeper into your trap.

[Minty3]

To be honest, yes, what I feel for the new guy is true love. He is everything my fiance is not. My fiance treats me worse than the bottom soles of your shoes. When he asked me to marry him, it seemed like I couldn't say no because he would get very sad and try to manipulate me. I tried to leave him many times before that but he made it difficult for me with his manipulative mind tricks. I'm a very intelligent woman, I see through all his tricks even faster than he can cover my eyes. I'm also a fairly sane woman. I do not have a troubled past, any baggage and I have a very healthy family of 6 people. My parents are not divorced. They were best friends and still are. My father is an exceptional man. Perhaps they don't share any intimacy (lol I do not know for sure) but that does not mean my father will stray to find it. He is very simple and thinks in terms of what's more important: his wife and his four kids or some gal to start over with his life?

 

My fiance "loves" me and never wants to let go. But does he really now? Or could it be obsession? I don't know. All I know is that I know he is not the one for me. Maybe he thinks I am the "one" for him but he is not for me. It has to go both ways.

 

 

My fiance had a past full of violence from his family, especially his father, a very brash and violent man. I had a feeling his father was a narcissist. He only cared about his needs. He drank bottles and bottles of European drinks, attacking my fiance endlessly and his mother. He cheated on my fiance's mother many times, engaging in a myriad of affairs in front her face. She slowly shut down emotionally, her lips stitched with a zipper and so she lived many years in utter silence. Because of this, she raised my fiance with no love. She didn't give him any affection or care, raised him in a very emotionally cold and dry environment. When I first met him, I didn't even have to ask him about his past. His eyes were telling me his life story, just like that. So I thought I could grow to love him. His eyes pierced my heart and I thought I could take a chance with him. Our first date was cuddling in the park. His cuddles felt like a teddy bear and that warmed my heart. From there, we started.

 

And so this year I accepted his ring. My hand was shaky. I already knew he wasn't that good to me. I had a plan in my mind though. I am a woman of plans; when all else fails, you can guarantee I have a plan concocting in my mind already ; a plan in the works. I thought perhaps I could marry him and start a series of therapy sessions for him. It could start to seal the cracks in his heart and the fissures in his mind from the trauma he endured. I knew it would take years and years of therapy. So I didn't mind. I saved lots of money because I knew he wouldn't pay for it. He thought he was "fine". Anyway, I planned on starting these sessions very soon until I met this new guy. It didn't seem like he was keen on helping himself anyway.

Edited March 10, 2014 by Minty3

[Minty3]

Leaving is easier than you think. You tell him it's over & you move out. Yes, that is emotionally difficult but it's better than marrying a man you don't love. I just hope you can get all of your wedding deposits back.

 

I'm really not an abusive girl. There is frustration. There is full-blown anger. And then there is abuse.

 

My fiance likes to track me. He has every single one of my passwords to every account imaginable. Of course, we live together so he's able to do it. He thinks I do not know. But I do. He also can track my whereabouts through my phone. Sometimes I will get irritated, rip open the back of my phone, toss the battery out and never look back. He will not be able to track me. However, wrong. He always manages to find ways of sticking to my back. One day, on a hot summer morning, I went to a car wash downtown. Bright, warm, glorious summer day. I was blasting Kendrick Lamar loud, cleaning my car. I noticed a suspicious looking device lodged between the two seats at the back. My mind immediately clicked - a tracking device. I smirked. I knew every single gadget and gizmo out there very well. [OM (other man) is a cop. So we occasionally converse about these things too, as a sign of common interest]. I threw it out and stepped on it with my 3 inch black-sparkle Guess heels. I squashed it to smithereens. I could feel my "so called partner" fuming with impatience already! When he doesn't have a hold of my whereabouts, he goes ape-****. It means he doesn't have control. Did i mention he's a control freak?

 

 

 

He lives and feeds off of control and power. He cannot think or share things in a dignified, generous manner. EVERYTHING for him, involves power and looks for ways to muster control, in order to feel secure in life.

 

This is just one of the reasons I'm desperately trying to leave. Living together makes it so hard..

[Minty3]

What do you mean he doesn't 'let' you leave? Tell your family and friends what is going on and ask them for help for you to move out. Involve the police if need be.

 

He manipulates me every time. When I try to, he blocks the door way and recites a long speech about how we have something special. Then after he will take me to dinner, something he never does (by the way, he doesn't know how to treat me special or take care of anyone). He even blackmails me! Talk about psycho.

 

Luckily we aren't married (yet). I am 90% sure I don't want to marry him. Even better since we don't have kids. I have a medium to high earning salary. I worked hard in school to get a good job. I think he also weens off of me that way. I never thought he would. I also make every effort to make sure I don't get pregnant with him. I don't use birth control pills or the injection. I am a health freak. I make sure my body is exposed to the least amount of harm as possible - in food, water, clothes and pills. There's no way I would choose to be pregnant now. He's very manipulative again so I have to avoid letting him get me pregnant just so he can keep me around. He knows I wouldn't do that to my children.

 

So I use Nuvaring - even the patch some times too. I really wouldn't ever divorce, it's against my religion, unless the man is abusive physically and causing havoc in your life and harm to my children, only then would I divorce.

 

I really think he's obsessed with me. When I decide to stay, he will neglect me and use me for all the attention I give him. Then when I want to leave, he will have another trick or reason up his sleeve to get to me to stay. It's mostly for self-ish reasons or a certain void within his system.

 

When we first met, we did sexual things in my room. I wore a white lace thong on purpose and a white bra with a small gem in the centre from Victoria's secret to see his reaction (when I first date a guy, I like to see their reactions to gentle things, nothing bad). I bent down to put my jeans on. I could tell he was uncomfortable. He knew I was good-looking. But he doesn't even know how to compliment me. He's so fricking awkward. Ugh.

 

He can't even get rid of his internal awkwardness to help me either when I'm in pain. I'm very healthy, I don't have any health problems because I don't drink or smoke. I have never touched a drug in my life either. However, my monthly cycles are like hell-fire. I get such pain-staking cramps, it knocks me to the floor. I cannot leave the bed. I cannot even walk to the bathroom to get ready for work and that is the only time I call in sick. I sweat worse than a stranger in the desert. In the summer, it's worse. I faint. I become whiter than a sheet of paper. I had to even beg him to get me the Advil downstairs and by the 8 th time of my pleading, he finally went to get it with a grunt. The most insensitive guy you'll ever meet, who doesn't know how to care about anyone, perhaps because he doesn't take care of himself. No one ever taught him to care. How can you take care of someone else when you don't even know how to care about yourself? I once saw his forum post on another site once, when using our laptop that we share (he still has his own, for his sneaky business). He wrote "women know how to take care of them self. Don't even bother". I guess that means you won't even show your own fiance that you care for their well-being either..I guess that he knew he wasn't capable of taking care of anyone at all.

 

OM is not like that. He cares about me to death. He's affectionate and loves me like I'm the only girl in the world. He is devoted not only because he has to be, but it's in his NATURE.

[veggirl]

Leave without telling him. Make plans and start sneaking things out of the house. When he is at work, have a plan for your friends/family to come over and get your stuff with you. You'll have 8 hours to do so, at least.

[Minty3]

Leave without telling him. Make plans and start sneaking things out of the house. When he is at work, have a plan for your friends/family to come over and get your stuff with you. You'll have 8 hours to do so, at least.

 

I did when he was sleeping. He barely works, and the times he works, are the times I also work.

 

I tried to get the most important documents in my purse, never mind my belongings like perfume and clothes. Who cares. I creeped quietly down the stairs, quieter than a mouse. By the time I got down to the bottom of the stairs, he was already up and he turned the living room light on with a blank look on his face. He then started with his recitals..."why just why do you want to leave me".

 

He doesn't know how to care about himself so maybe that's why he doesn't know to care about me. When i get my cramping, I just want someone there on the bed beside me at least. Even that might ease the cramps just a little bit/ But no, he's not capable of affection or care. He internalizes everything like a crazy. I don't even think he would care if I was dying until AFTER I died.

 

I can get any man I want. I am very youthful in my looks and he envies me. I look like I am 20. I get even 18 year old guys hitting on me. Him on the other hand, he looks like he's 44. He looks very old for his age. I guess the smoking ages his looks.

 

It's funny because I have the face of a youth, the body of a woman and a soul and mind of 10 years beyond my age.

Edited March 11, 2014 by Minty3

[legion113]

I did when he was sleeping. He barely works, and the times he works, are the times I also work.

 

I tried to get the most important documents in my purse, never mind my belongings like perfume and clothes. Who cares. I creeped quietly down the stairs, quieter than a mouse. By the time I got down to the bottom of the stairs, he was already up and he turned the living room light on with a blank look on his face. He then started with his recitals..."why just why do you want to leave me".

 

He doesn't know how to care about himself so maybe that's why he doesn't know to care about me. When i get my cramping, I just want someone there on the bed beside me at least. Even that might ease the cramps just a little bit/ But no, he's not capable of affection or care. He internalizes everything like a crazy. I don't even think he would care if I was dying until AFTER I died.

 

I can get any man I want. I am very youthful in my looks and he envies me. I look like I am 20. I get even 18 year old guys hitting on me. Him on the other hand, he looks like he's 44. He looks very old for his age. I guess the smoking ages his looks.

 

It's funny because I have the face of a youth, the body of a woman and a soul and mind of 10 years beyond my age.

 

 

Umm truthfully you both sound like you have personality disorders. This guy is obviously mental, and you know this, and yet you stuck around with him. You also describe yourself kind of highly(almost narcissistic), yet the kind of relationship you entered screams insecurity and lack of self worth.

[Chi townD]

Well, if he's THAT bad, then just leave. Tell him it's over and go.

 

 

How hard is that.

 

 

If he's giving you a hard time, then get a restraining order. Tell him you're in love with someone else. He may be so mad, he won't want anything to do with you anymore.

 

 

Problem solved.

[oldshirt]

The only person that can save you from yourself is you.

 

You're the one that's psycho here. He is what he is but it's working for him. You are the one that is suffering but you are refusing to do anything about.

[Chi townD]

Then again, we're only getting one side of the story here. Chances are, her fiancé isn't THAT bad. He may have some douche bag qualities but isn't THAT bad of a guy.

 

 

She's trying to get with her Prince Charming, therefore, what do cheaters normally do? They demonize their current partner in their heads and rewrite their relationship history to make it seem that the only option they have is to leave so they can ride off in the sunset with their OM/OW. So, who knows.

 

 

 

 

Like I said, one side of the story.

[Colton]

I did when he was sleeping. He barely works, and the times he works, are the times I also work.

 

I tried to get the most important documents in my purse, never mind my belongings like perfume and clothes. Who cares. I creeped quietly down the stairs, quieter than a mouse. By the time I got down to the bottom of the stairs, he was already up and he turned the living room light on with a blank look on his face. He then started with his recitals..."why just why do you want to leave me".

 

He doesn't know how to care about himself so maybe that's why he doesn't know to care about me. When i get my cramping, I just want someone there on the bed beside me at least. Even that might ease the cramps just a little bit/ But no, he's not capable of affection or care. He internalizes everything like a crazy. I don't even think he would care if I was dying until AFTER I died.

 

I can get any man I want. I am very youthful in my looks and he envies me. I look like I am 20. I get even 18 year old guys hitting on me. Him on the other hand, he looks like he's 44. He looks very old for his age. I guess the smoking ages his looks.

 

It's funny because I have the face of a youth, the body of a woman and a soul and mind of 10 years beyond my age.

 

 

Umm truthfully you both sound like you have personality disorders. This guy is obviously mental, and you know this, and yet you stuck around with him. You also describe yourself kind of highly(almost narcissistic), yet the kind of relationship you entered screams insecurity and lack of self worth.

 

I agree with legion113. Your finace doesn't sound like the greatest guy but you sound just as bad if not worse. You're 27 but you can get 18 year old guys to hit on you. Good for you and congratulations cause thats what every mature man and woman in their late 20's should be proud of.

 

You stuck with a guy for 3 years that you say you never loved, but this guy you've know for 90 days is the love of you life? Get it together lady