Moral to the Story - Don't Cheat.

[MHN - Nicole]

My Story

MW here; married for almost a decade. Our only son is a toddler.

Began A wtih MM coworker ten months ago, he is 15 years older wtih teenage daughters. BH found out affair by reading texts; DDay ended A after 3 months. MM confessed to his wife immediately following my DDay. MM and I had spoken about divorcing spouses and the challenges associated with losing our children prior to DDay, however once DDay occured MM ended the PA and we've slowly had less and less contact. BH and I have just ended MC / mediation. I am continuing with IC.

 

MM and I no longer work together so our contact has reduced from daily to 1-2 times per month. When we get together it is sad - we are now living with the impact to our families and friends who all know. We are miserable with our spouses but too chicken*hit to divorce on our own because the pain of separating custody / moving out is absolutely horrendous. For me at least, I feel that my husband could find a woman who would give him all the love he deserves and not have the emotional baggage that i brought to our marriage. I carry a lot of guilt because I still have feelings of love for MM. Doing much better with staying productive and not crying all the time, but every day I ponder the "what ifs".

 

It is painful for both of us to see each other. I saw him last week at a function and refused to engage in a conversation after he attempted small talk. He called today to tell me not to be mad at him. I knew not speaking to him would really upset him. However when I am friendly and understanding and tell him to be a better friend to me, i don't hear from him. So i don't call him anymore for coffee. He said i shouldn't be mad, I said "you don't even talk to me anymore, so soon i won't be mad, I just won't be here". Then he tells me that his W wants a divorce (supposedly this whole time that was never an option she would consider). He noticed i wasn't wearing my ring and wnated to know my status. I did not give any details but gave him advice as a friend. I shared my experience with my BH going through mediation and finalizing an MSA. H hasn't filed but still may. I know MM is confused and obviously doesn't have anyone to talk to so he called me mostly to get validation that i wasn't mad at him. I want to be mad but how can i judge when i want the same from him? I still love him. Deep down I want him to 'pick' me, make a plan for us, and be with him. And I know this is not the right thing, and the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.

My advice to all - don't get into this drama if you can avoid it. Certainly if you have kids never have an affair. I took my future with my husband for granted. Now I live with the reality of not knowing what next week will bring. And i am too young for this ****. What a mess.

[yellowmaverick]

My guess is that your H has his own "what ifs" and would not be too torn up about a divorce. The splitting of assets and the move are just temporary inconveniences. If your heart is not with your H, just divorce. He deserves a a chance to find an authentic relationship. Don't you agree?

[stillafool]

I completely agree. You certainly aren't doing your husband any favor by staying with him while pinning for the OM. If you both want to be together I think you should make the plans and sacrifices to do so. Right now you are keeping others in pain and it's just not fair.

[cozycottagelg]

D-Day was only three months ago according to the post, it's still very new and the end result, whether it be reconciliation or divorce is probably not determined yet.

 

So sorry for what you are going through, it sounds horrible

[Realist3]

This post makes no sense.

[Realist3]

It actually sounds like a BS.

[road]

You have not ended your affair because you are not NC with the OM.

 

 

As long as you still have contact with the OM your feelings for the OM will not be lost. Affairs creates addictive brain chemistry. This addiction to the OM will not end as long as you still have contact.

 

 

To detox from the OM you must go NC.

 

 

To point out how bad your thinking is you are pining for a liar and a cheater that got you to destroy his and your families.

 

 

How can you want to put this liar and cheater that have harm your kids in their lives?

 

 

Why do you think the saying that they will cheat with you they will cheat on you?

 

 

If you care about your kids welfare, and repairing the damage that you did to your BH you must leave that job. There never will be recovery when their is not NC.

 

 

Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[EverySunset]

she mentioned having mediation and a MSA.

 

sounds like she and her husband are done.

[Tayla]

Lets inhale these words of wisdom, and exhale the bs for good. The Op's message is real. The thinking is convoluted in many ways. She has the ability to love and give. She has the ability to feel remorse. What she fails to do is accept her part in the overall pain she also caused. She is as accountable as the OM. She is a liar and a cheat, but and i say this kindly, she is a mother and has a heart for her child. There is goodness to be salvaged. So in closing. Accept your past actions and turn your life around. You cannot impart messages that you yourself are not willing to activate.

[bubbaganoosh]

What the hell is going to a MC going to do when your heart isn't in it. Your throwing good money after bad and I have a hunch that the MC told you along with your husband that you shouldn't have contact with the OM and you still do.

 

How about doing the right thing and give your husband his freedom to find a capable woman to share his life with and give him the love and respect he deserves you go on your way? Talk is cheap. Do the right thing.

[krazikat]

It actually sounds like a BS.

 

Why is that, Realist? Because of her sadness and pain she is experiencing because of her affair? Because her marriage is pretty much ending yet her mm remains married? It is very understandable to me why op sounds like she does...she is mourning her m and her affair and the drama and pain she is caught up in.

 

She is hurting. She is also likely feeling alone, lost, afraid, sad, etc. Those are things a bs feels as well, so there is that in common.

 

OP, you made some bad decisions. You are living with that. What do you want? What is best for you? What is best for your child? Do you still have love for your husband? When did you realize you took him for granted? What are your goals?

[MHN - Nicole]

Thanks everyone for your perspectives and advice. To clarify, A has been over for 7.5 months, only lasted 3.

I have been, and continue to be very confused. I was lying throughout MC, however where I now am is much more focused, medicated (Zoloft) and in IC for dealing with my own conflict avoidance issues. I am thankful for my H forgiveness and love and patience through this time. I want to do the right thing. I will never again stray outside my marriage. Yes i harbor feelings for MM but neither of us will act on them. In the meantime I am keeping myself busy productively to keep my mind off the "what ifs". My shrink tells me to have a lot of sex with H. Its making a difference. I believe that over time either my love with H will heal or he will not be able to live with my betrayal and he will file. But i will not make the demise of my M due to continued A with MM. I don't want him to be the cause and vice versa. In speaking wtih MM yesterday I said I was comforted by the fact that we no longer see each other, having PA, etc. because it has removed the clouds from realities of home. Which was never a bad place for either of us. Currently I am ambivalent about staying M to BH. I don't take this decision lightly and my ambivalence is greatest cause of my concern. Why did i engage in A in the first place? Why didn't I snap out of it upon DDay like so many other young mothers would have done? Why have MM and I continued to have contact, limited and no physical aspects, for 7 months? Btw - BH and MM BW have met in person and corresponded frequently. My shrink says what I did is done, and now I have to just do the right thing everyday. Do the right thing everyday.

[krazikat]

Thanks everyone for your perspectives and advice. To clarify, A has been over for 7.5 months, only lasted 3.

I have been, and continue to be very confused. I was lying throughout MC, however where I now am is much more focused, medicated (Zoloft) and in IC for dealing with my own conflict avoidance issues. I am thankful for my H forgiveness and love and patience through this time. I want to do the right thing. I will never again stray outside my marriage. Yes i harbor feelings for MM but neither of us will act on them. In the meantime I am keeping myself busy productively to keep my mind off the "what ifs". My shrink tells me to have a lot of sex with H. Its making a difference. I believe that over time either my love with H will heal or he will not be able to live with my betrayal and he will file. But i will not make the demise of my M due to continued A with MM. I don't want him to be the cause and vice versa. In speaking wtih MM yesterday I said I was comforted by the fact that we no longer see each other, having PA, etc. because it has removed the clouds from realities of home. Which was never a bad place for either of us. Currently I am ambivalent about staying M to BH. I don't take this decision lightly and my ambivalence is greatest cause of my concern. Why did i engage in A in the first place? Why didn't I snap out of it upon DDay like so many other young mothers would have done? Why have MM and I continued to have contact, limited and no physical aspects, for 7 months? Btw - BH and MM BW have met in person and corresponded frequently. My shrink says what I did is done, and now I have to just do the right thing everyday. Do the right thing everyday.

 

Why do you think your love of your h was/is broken? Was it him? you? Life? Combo?

 

Just know that you can heal from this. Your marriage can heal. You should go NC with xmm though. Of you want to keep your marriage he has to go. You do know that. There are a few xmw here that can help you by sharing their experiences...read the threads and you will find them. (((((Nicole)))))

[Popsicle]

My Story

MW here; married for almost a decade. Our only son is a toddler.

Began A wtih MM coworker ten months ago, he is 15 years older wtih teenage daughters. BH found out affair by reading texts; DDay ended A after 3 months. MM confessed to his wife immediately following my DDay. MM and I had spoken about divorcing spouses and the challenges associated with losing our children prior to DDay, however once DDay occured MM ended the PA and we've slowly had less and less contact. BH and I have just ended MC / mediation. I am continuing with IC.

 

MM and I no longer work together so our contact has reduced from daily to 1-2 times per month. When we get together it is sad - we are now living with the impact to our families and friends who all know. We are miserable with our spouses but too chicken*hit to divorce on our own because the pain of separating custody / moving out is absolutely horrendous. For me at least, I feel that my husband could find a woman who would give him all the love he deserves and not have the emotional baggage that i brought to our marriage. I carry a lot of guilt because I still have feelings of love for MM. Doing much better with staying productive and not crying all the time, but every day I ponder the "what ifs".

 

It is painful for both of us to see each other. I saw him last week at a function and refused to engage in a conversation after he attempted small talk. He called today to tell me not to be mad at him. I knew not speaking to him would really upset him. However when I am friendly and understanding and tell him to be a better friend to me, i don't hear from him. So i don't call him anymore for coffee. He said i shouldn't be mad, I said "you don't even talk to me anymore, so soon i won't be mad, I just won't be here". Then he tells me that his W wants a divorce (supposedly this whole time that was never an option she would consider). He noticed i wasn't wearing my ring and wnated to know my status. I did not give any details but gave him advice as a friend. I shared my experience with my BH going through mediation and finalizing an MSA. H hasn't filed but still may. I know MM is confused and obviously doesn't have anyone to talk to so he called me mostly to get validation that i wasn't mad at him. I want to be mad but how can i judge when i want the same from him? I still love him. Deep down I want him to 'pick' me, make a plan for us, and be with him. And I know this is not the right thing, and the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.

My advice to all - don't get into this drama if you can avoid it. Certainly if you have kids never have an affair. I took my future with my husband for granted. Now I live with the reality of not knowing what next week will bring. And i am too young for this ****. What a mess.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this pain. I know it must be hard. I always hear people say that it's not worth it, so I appreciate your candidness and for giving advice. For some reason, I think that you will get through all this and be happier when all the dust settles. I wish you luck.

[Popsicle]

My shrink tells me to have a lot of sex with H. Its making a difference.

 

Yes, I think this is very good advice.

[MHN - Nicole]

So someone asked why is the love broken / what happened?

My husband believes and continues to put forth the opinion that he is always right and that I am not capable of making the right decisions. This is in spite of me being the main source of (very high) income for our entire married life, being a good cook and taking care of our home. I am not high maintenance, I am very prudent with our money. My family is F*d up, divorced, non supportive, non communicative....overall terrible.

So now in the aftermath of the A, he makes comments about how "i continue to gravitate towards negative people" and "i am a case study, a psycholgical anomoly" because NO ONE in the recorded history of affairs has ever been as evil as I have. The thing is, I know my husband and that he is a good man. He does have a big ego and that is difficult to live with at times. We are both perfectionists, he more so than I. So both of us want to be right all the time, but inevitably I am always wrong. Prior to knowing of the A, his family and friends would always jokingly say what a saint i was for being with him. He is judgemental and strongly opinionated and will dominate a conversation. I loved those qualities when we were dating - i thought it so refreshing to find a man of conviction who wanted to do the right thing by his family. Unfortunately I now face the judgement because I did a very wrong thing. I don't think he can live with accepting it and I am beginning to feel bullied to "throw" every argument so as to avoid being called a w*ore, c*nt, etc. You reap what you sow I suppose.

[ladydesigner]

Unfortunately I now face the judgement because I did a very wrong thing. I don't think he can live with accepting it and I am beginning to feel bullied to "throw" every argument so as to avoid being called a w*ore, c*nt, etc. You reap what you sow I suppose.

 

The thing about A's is you cannot heal the M until the A is dealt with first. Eventually the problems of the M should be worked out in MC, but initially the A is the major problem at the moment. One book I may suggest if you haven't already is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After An Affair." It may help you understand where your H is at .

[veryhappy]

Let's see...you are doing the right thing to a person who'll never think you are doing the right thing and you need to be medicated to live through it.

 

Do you even like or want all that sex with your H?

 

Cut all contact with your exAP to see your life for what it is. At this point any contact is just extra Zoloft.

 

Why do you value keeping your M so much and how do you see the initial problem solved?It's obvious that your h needs to put you down because you make too much money and were simply great before the A. He's not so spotless as he believes he is.

[rumbleseat]

Let's see...you are doing the right thing to a person who'll never think you are doing the right thing and you need to be medicated to live through it.

 

Do you even like or want all that sex with your H?

 

Cut all contact with your exAP to see your life for what it is. At this point any contact is just extra Zoloft.

 

Why do you value keeping your M so much and how do you see the initial problem solved?It's obvious that your h needs to put you down because you make too much money and were simply great before the A. He's not so spotless as he believes he is.[/quote

 

OP,

 

Why are you taking the Zoloft? Is it to help you deal with the pain of the end of the A, or just your life/mood in general?

 

Taking an anti depressants won't change anything in your life. The problems will still be there. If it helps you to feel stable while you cope with them, that's one thing, but if it becomes a crutch so that you don't have to, that's another kettle of fish.

 

It's also telling that after short affair ( three months is short) you would have been considering ending your m, talking about a. Long term future with this om, etc. . To me, that says that you were looking for a complete escape from your m. What does it tell you?

[aliveagain]

No marriage ever gets better when you bring a hidden third party into it. The selfish high you get from your secret life with your OM/OW is never worth the pain and shame you experience at discovery. The affair might of lasted a week, a month or even a year, the damage you cause lasts a lifetime because no one involved will ever forget. The ones that are usually hurt the most are the innocent children that can't defend themselves, they rely on you for that, they may never get to have a normal family again because some other selfish pr**k gave you attention and you went for it. Who are you helping by continuing to communicate with the person that helped you destroy your family? I will personally guarantee you that if either of your spouses catches you communicating your second chance will be over, are you that stu**d that you can't grasp the finality of that statement? What do you have to loose before you wake up?

[Clay]

Sounds like you are confused but I think while you hurt honesty would be the best course of action. You clearly are not in love with your husband. There is nothing wrong with that. People fall out of love its a part of life. Your AP has fulfilled that part of your heart you felt you were missing. You are in love with your AP.

 

So tell your husband you are not in love with him anymore. Tell him to allow him the choice to either stay and trying to regain your love or to leave so he can go on with his life. This will allow you to clear one serious issue off your full plate. I would move out for a while and see if you could not get your life back on track. If your AP sees you are doing it He might be encouraged to do it with you. If not then you have cleared another serious issue off your plate.

 

 

This then would allow you to focus on healing you. Focus on being a good mother to your children and learning to be healthy again.

 

Cheating is a horrible thing. Not every relationship recovers from it and not every AP relationship will last. Its a gamble on all sides once you enter it. I would never encourage anyone to do it. I hope for your sake you realize that you have to take care of you and learn to love you again.

 

Clay

[ladydesigner]

the damage you cause lasts a lifetime because no one involved will ever forget

 

Just wanted to say how true the above is. I am both a fMOW and a BS and the pain caused by the A's my H and I both had caused enough damage to last a lifetime. Not one of us will ever forget.