What do you do when you can't stop thinking about them?

[sweetjess1951]

I'm not sure if this is the best place to write this since I'm "the other woman" in a sense that I'm involved with a cheating, although I could probably say he is emotionally cheating but I just need advice (I'll try to keep this brief).

 

I met someone back in September who lives about 2 1/2 hours from me. I've had my share of meaningful relationships but I have honestly never felt such chemistry with someone as I did this man. We had so much in common and got along great.

 

The problem is, he had met someone about a month before me. There weren't in a relationship or anything like that, but he really struggled with the fact that I was so far away from him and she was not (I know, it shouldn't matter). She isn't right for him. They just aren't compatible.

 

They continued to hang out and him and I stopped talking for a month or so. I ended up being in his city for a job interview and we got lunch. The chemistry between us was still so awesome. Our feelings were still there. We had such a hard time leaving each other. It honestly really messed me up.

 

We still maintained contact until I told him that I couldn't do it anymore and wasn't nice about it.

 

We stopped talking again for about a month and a half until he reached out to me the other day through Facebook chat. He admitted that they were official but that he couldn't get me out of his head and was starting to see things about her that he didn't like. For example, he asked me why all girls didn't love the gym like I did. I told him that that was just who I was, that I liked being active. I also told him that if it was an appearance issue (like maybe her gaining weight or letting himself go) that anyone can lose weight. He said "yea, if they want to". I said that was true but if they don't, then that is them being lazy, which is a bad characteristic. He said that she was lazy and he wasn't, but it was starting to wear off on him.

 

So long story short, I have actually been offered a job in his city and will be moving there soon. He knows this and it makes me wonder what his motivation is. And it scares me. Like I said, I've never felt like this about someone before. And I keep trying to talk myself out of my feelings. But I can't.

 

Should I entertain this? What if he breaks up with her when I move and wants to be with me? Should I give him a chance?

[spookysonata]

Honestly? Ask him what his intentions are. He hasn't been married to this girl for years, they have no kids, and he's only known her for 6-7 months, correct?

 

If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her, it's (logistically anyway) fairly easy to end it. If he wants a relationship with you, tell him to call you after he breaks up with his girlfriend. Then go on with life. If he wants you he'll make the move.

[sweetjess1951]

Honestly? Ask him what his intentions are. He hasn't been married to this girl for years, they have no kids, and he's only known her for 6-7 months, correct?

 

If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her, it's (logistically anyway) fairly easy to end it. If he wants a relationship with you, tell him to call you after he breaks up with his girlfriend. Then go on with life. If he wants you he'll make the move.

 

I just didn't want to make myself look bad because I'm still have conversations with this guy who has a girlfriend (even though he reaches out). I would never do anything inappropriate but I do think I should talk to him about my feelings when the time is right.

 

He has ALWAYS been 100% honest with me about everything, even though he hasn't been honest with her. But he's expressed his somewhat disinterest with her and it scares me that he would be the same way with me.

 

My friend tells me that he has liked me more this entire time but that this girl is just convenience.

[spookysonata]

Hmm. He doesn't sound very mature. Convenience? You don't begin a romantic relationship out of convenience, does he not know that?

[Popsicle]

If they aren't married and you actually are moving to his city, I say, yes, give him a chance, but not a minute before you move to his city.

[sweetjess1951]

Hmm. He doesn't sound very mature. Convenience? You don't begin a romantic relationship out of convenience, does he not know that?

 

Oh, I completely agree with the maturity issue. He is 26 and for a guy, usually they still need to figure out what makes and breaks a relationship.

 

And convenience certainly is not something that MAKES a relationship.

 

I think he needs to figure out for himself what he wants. He confides in me a lot (which again, why are you confiding in ME when you have a girlfriend). I tell him all the time that being physically attracted to someone is important, but your compatibility is MORE important. People can dye their hair, lose weight, fake and bake, get plastic surgery, etc. but its things like common interests and goals and can this person make me better that makes a relationship.

 

I don't think he understands that yet.

[whichwayisup]

She isn't right for him. They just aren't compatible.

 

Yet he's chosen her and moved in with her. If this was true then they wouldn't be a couple. Did he tell you the above or is this your spin on it?

 

Sorry but you don't know this guy that well and it sounds like he's playing you. What he's doing, keeping in touch all the meanwhile his gf has no idea what he's doing behind her back. He had a chance to end with her (who cares if she is in the same City as him, that is not an excuse NOT to break up with someone) and didn't.

 

If you take that job, go because it's your dream job. Do not go with expectations that you two will end up together and be a couple, or hope he'll choose you.

[OldRover]

.......

 

So long story short, I have actually been offered a job in his city and will be moving there soon. He knows this and it makes me wonder what his motivation is. And it scares me. Like I said, I've never felt like this about someone before. And I keep trying to talk myself out of my feelings. But I can't.

 

Should I entertain this? What if he breaks up with her when I move and wants to be with me? Should I give him a chance?

 

Sweet,

 

You have barely broken the ice with this guy and never really dated..., and obviously in the infatuation stage. Not to say you can't develop this into a loving relationship. And he really doesn't have a long term relationship with his GF.

 

I'd say go for it, however, if you're the type that prefers to date only one person, let him know the rules and stick by them. You can sure go out with him for a few casual dates, but could argue before you get seriously involved, at least both you should agree on "other" relationship while you date.

[Popsicle]

. posted in wrong thread.

[sweetjess1951]

Yet he's chosen her and moved in with her. If this was true then they wouldn't be a couple. Did he tell you the above or is this your spin on it?

 

Sorry but you don't know this guy that well and it sounds like he's playing you. What he's doing, keeping in touch all the meanwhile his gf has no idea what he's doing behind her back. He had a chance to end with her (who cares if she is in the same City as him, that is not an excuse NOT to break up with someone) and didn't.

 

If you take that job, go because it's your dream job. Do not go with expectations that you two will end up together and be a couple, or hope he'll choose you.

 

Moved in with her?

 

He told me the above.

 

I definitely agree that if he isn't feeling it with her, regardless of how he does or does not feel about me, he should end things. Again, that is a maturity issue to me. He's only 26 and it usually takes guys a while to grow up.

 

And playing me? I'm not sure about that. Even though I express these feelings to you guys, I don't express them to him. So its not like I'm pouring my heart out to him.

 

And trust me, hes not the motivation for me wanting to move. Him and I weren't even speaking when my job situation changed.

[sweetjess1951]

Sweet,

 

You have barely broken the ice with this guy and never really dated..., and obviously in the infatuation stage. Not to say you can't develop this into a loving relationship. And he really doesn't have a long term relationship with his GF.

 

I'd say go for it, however, if you're the type that prefers to date only one person, let him know the rules and stick by them. You can sure go out with him for a few casual dates, but could argue before you get seriously involved, at least both you should agree on "other" relationship while you date.

 

I'm so back and forth about even entertaining it if it were to be presented to me.

 

And I know this probably sounds SO cliche, but I feel like I've known him for a long time. Maybe its "infatuation", but it certainly doesn't feel like it.