blacknoir Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Made it through 10 days NC (well, LC since we work together), then I broke it (yes, I know...) Here's what I got via chat yesterday: "I miss talking to you. I know I messed up. I want to start over as friends" I'm moving into my new apartment this weekend. She asked if she could come over and help me settle in. At first I didn't answer. Today, I agreed and she's coming over on Monday. I'm buying her dinner. The apartment will be pretty much finished by then, so there won't be too much settling to do. I expect that she knows this. I know she wants to talk, but I'm just not 100% sure on whether or not the above was a 180, or more like a 120.... Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Winter blue Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 It sounds more like she is friendzoning you OP, unless you are happy to be just friends, don't settle for less. Link to post Share on other sites
lvroflife Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 You should not have added two words in your text. 1) "talking" 2)"friends". You were going to break NC why not just go all out? Now she may be thinking everything is ok and you guys can be friends. So now I ask you this.... She comes over, what's your move? Meaning what are you hoping for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blacknoir Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 You should not have added two words in your text. 1) "talking" 2)"friends". You were going to break NC why not just go all out? Now she may be thinking everything is ok and you guys can be friends. So now I ask you this.... She comes over, what's your move? Meaning what are you hoping for? Actually, it was *her* that IM'd me that (hence my question about whether or not it was a 180) and asked if she could come over and help me settle. That was on Friday. Yesterday (Monday) I told her that yes, I would like her to come over. When I broke NC (last Thursday), I did pretty much go all out. Asked her if she wanted to talk (she said yes), that I missed her, how I would take a giant step back and not wear my emotions on my sleeve since she isn't emotionally ready (due to both of our situations, I'm separated and her D is final next week), and told her that I was willing to stand by her until she gets to a more stable place....Yeah, I went all out. So, she's coming over Monday after work (I took Monday off). The place will actually be done, so there won't really need to be anything to do - I'll have a bottle of wine (which we agreed to) and some cheese/fruit set up... Honestly? I'm going to invite her in, and hug her, which I am fairly certain she'll be ok with. I'm going to hold on, and I'm going to look into her eyes, and ask me if she wants me to show her the apartment, or just kiss her. At least...that's what I'm hoping for....Who the hell knows - maybe I'm just living in a f'd up fantasy world. Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Ok let me read your future.... You'll end up in the friend zone, she will ease her guilt, you will get your hopes up, she will leave you for good this time. And last but not least you will come back to LS and you will tell me that I was right. The best thing to do ( and I know that you wont do it ) is to cancel the meeting with her, say that you are busy then cut her off completely, but it's your call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blacknoir Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Ok let me read your future.... You'll end up in the friend zone, she will ease her guilt, you will get your hopes up, she will leave you for good this time. And last but not least you will come back to LS and you will tell me that I was right. The best thing to do ( and I know that you wont do it ) is to cancel the meeting with her, say that you are busy then cut her off completely, but it's your call. And if I do cancel and then go back to NC, then what? Everyone says "don't do it unless it's a 180" - well, I just need to understand how/why this isn't a 180. Is it because I broke NC and then she came out with this? Is it because she said "I miss *talking* to you" and not "I miss you"? Is it because she added "as friends" after "start over"? I'm honestly not sure, which is why I asked in the first place.... Think about the situation as well. Her D is *next Friday*. I'm just this weekend getting my own place after separating from my W. We've been in a whirlwind A for 9 months, and I (to be honest) made mistakes, moved too fast emotionally, and scared her. Look - I hear what you're saying, and again, maybe it's just me living in my own delusional world...Be blunt, be mean, be whatever, but help me understand. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 And if I do cancel and then go back to NC, then what? Everyone says "don't do it unless it's a 180" - well, I just need to understand how/why this isn't a 180. Is it because I broke NC and then she came out with this? Is it because she said "I miss *talking* to you" and not "I miss you"? Is it because she added "as friends" after "start over"? I'm honestly not sure, which is why I asked in the first place.... Think about the situation as well. Her D is *next Friday*. I'm just this weekend getting my own place after separating from my W. We've been in a whirlwind A for 9 months, and I (to be honest) made mistakes, moved too fast emotionally, and scared her. Look - I hear what you're saying, and again, maybe it's just me living in my own delusional world...Be blunt, be mean, be whatever, but help me understand. Thanks The thing is like this, even if she told you that she misses you that doesn't mean she wants you back. She's a dumper and wants to ease her guilt thats it, nothing more. The only time you are right to break NC is when she tells you that she made a mistake and wants you back, anything else it's considered to be a breadcrumb. I said this at least 100 times but i'm going to tell it again. The dumpers job is to contact you and tell you that she wants you back(if that's the case) The dumpees job is to move on, ignore all breadcrumbs and only respond to your ex when she tells you that she made a mistake and wants to try again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blacknoir Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 I said this at least 100 times but i'm going to tell it again. The dumpers job is to contact you and tell you that she wants you back(if that's the case) The dumpees job is to move on, ignore all breadcrumbs and only respond to your ex when she tells you that she made a mistake and wants to try again. Ok, here's the entire unedited message from her: "I'm just going to say that I miss talking to you. I guess I feel so bad I don't know what to say. I messed up and don't know how to recover from that with you. I saw your leave slip for your move day and I want to offer to come over and help you get settled in your place. I want to start over as friends but I'm not sure if you want that. I'll respect your wishes. " (I bolded sections in her message for emphasis) Am I reading it wrong? Didn't she actually say this, or is this more of my heart playing games with my head? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 And if I do cancel and then go back to NC, then what? Everyone says "don't do it unless it's a 180" - well, I just need to understand how/why this isn't a 180. Is it because I broke NC and then she came out with this? Is it because she said "I miss *talking* to you" and not "I miss you"? Is it because she added "as friends" after "start over"? I'm honestly not sure, which is why I asked in the first place.... Think about the situation as well. Her D is *next Friday*. I'm just this weekend getting my own place after separating from my W. We've been in a whirlwind A for 9 months, and I (to be honest) made mistakes, moved too fast emotionally, and scared her. Look - I hear what you're saying, and again, maybe it's just me living in my own delusional world...Be blunt, be mean, be whatever, but help me understand. Thanks I can be honest with you if you want. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too soon. She is feeling insecure and it will pass again. It's very common. No time has passed to heal and its all still so fresh. You are rushing into things (and you are buying dinner?) She will get some of her guilt out, maybe even knock boots with you, then its back to "look, I still care about you, but I dont want to get back in" or something similar. OR she just really wants to be friends. I agree with David cancel the meeting. Let it draw out a lot longer. If she REALLY wants you back, that weekend wont matter. She'll be banging down your door if she really wants to work out again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lvroflife Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 That message does not state she wants you back. She feels bad and doesn't known how to deal with the guilt.she is having. So she figures by her coming to talk to you her guilt will be lifted. But again its your call 3 Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Ok, here's the entire unedited message from her: "I'm just going to say that I miss talking to you. I guess I feel so bad I don't know what to say. I messed up and don't know how to recover from that with you. I saw your leave slip for your move day and I want to offer to come over and help you get settled in your place. I want to start over as friends but I'm not sure if you want that. I'll respect your wishes. " (I bolded sections in her message for emphasis) Am I reading it wrong? Didn't she actually say this, or is this more of my heart playing games with my head? This is a breadcrumb, nothing more. If you want to have the smallest hope of geting back together, you have to give her space and give her the opportunity to miss you.See how her life is with out you and maybe just maybe she will reconsider her decision and send you the magical text that every dumpee wants to receive.... I've made a mistake...... I guess I feel so bad I don't know what to say She feels guilty for dumping you. I want to start over as friends She wants to be friends to stop feeling so guilty but in the end you will suffer more and she will suffer less. I saw your leave slip for your move day and I want to offer to come over and help you get settled in your place She wants to do something nice for you to compensate somehow for the dumping. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blacknoir Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 This is a breadcrumb, nothing more. If you want to have the smallest hope of geting back together, you have to give her space and give her the opportunity to miss you.See how her life is with out you and maybe just maybe she will reconsider her decision and send you the magical text that every dumpee wants to receive.... I've made a mistake...... I guess I feel so bad I don't know what to say She feels guilty for dumping you. I want to start over as friends She wants to be friends to stop feeling so guilty but in the end you will suffer more and she will suffer less. I saw your leave slip for your move day and I want to offer to come over and help you get settled in your place She wants to do something nice for you to compensate somehow for the dumping. I cancelled. *sigh* hurts so freaking bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 At best, at the very best, you've been friend-zoned. Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 I cancelled. *sigh* hurts so freaking bad. I know it's hard buddy but in the long run it's for your own good. Stay strong, we are here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Ok, here's the entire unedited message from her: "I'm just going to say that I miss talking to you. I guess I feel so bad I don't know what to say. I messed up and don't know how to recover from that with you. I saw your leave slip for your move day and I want to offer to come over and help you get settled in your place. I want to start over as friends but I'm not sure if you want that. I'll respect your wishes. " (I bolded sections in her message for emphasis) Am I reading it wrong? Didn't she actually say this, or is this more of my heart playing games with my head? all i can say is RUNNNNNNN away from her, don't talk, dont let her hlep you "settle in" youre going to go back to square 1 with all the hurt and confusion she's playing with you, she wants to know she holds all the cards, and she does, as its obvious by you telling her "come over" this wont turn out good for you Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Are you a single OM or the MM? Is your love interest married? I'm sorry I don't know your story and am confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blacknoir Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 Are you a single OM or the MM? Is your love interest married? I'm sorry I don't know your story and am confused. I'm MM (separated, this is my new apartment), and she is MW (her divorce is final next week). You can find the entire messy story by searching for my posts. 9 month A, she broke up with me 2 1/2 weeks ago. Link to post Share on other sites
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