troubled marriage, she wants a seperation.

[aw119]

Hi, found this forum tonight and have spent a couple of hours reading threads. I'd be extremely grateful for any advice on my situation.

 

Been married 13 years have 2 kids 11 and 9. The sex went out of our marriage several years ago when my wife went through a serious period of deep depression, we had just moved house, no support network and had a major falling out with her family principally over our kids (the cause of her depression). I tried to do everything, got overwhemled with stress and emotionally if not physically burned out. While trying to do everything practical (full time earner, carer, cook, housekeeper and we were home edding out kids at the time) I emotionally closed off from her. Although she recovered, in hindsight i can see that i didn't, I grew resentful that i still had to do everthing. she didn't ask me to and I must admit I never asked her to share the burden but still she let me carry on. We never rekindled the intamacy in our relationship. I feel I shoulder the blame for that due to my inhibitions, fear of rejection etc. We've held on to a shakey companionship for the last 4 years but doing a pretty good job between us of shielding the kids from it. Then a couple of weeks back she finds some porn on my phone, no details just a website in the internet history and istantly asks me to pack a bag and leave. Out of sheer guilt, embarrassment and realising immediately how she would react I did so. She feels rejected, betrayed (and all the rest) that I would turn to that rather than her. I can completely see her point of view, although I genuinely thought at the time that it was seperate from our relationship, i can see it wasn't and i was so insecure and feared rejection from her I turned to it. I've started therapy for my sexual inhibition, the roots of which go back to my ealry childhood. but she doesn't think i'm uncovering anything earth shattering and I guess probably doesn't believe I can change. I do feel different already from the therapy having realised where some of my issues come from and having let them go. Still more to do but in a wierd way I feel better about myself now than i have for many years. We've exchange e-mails, I've written pages, admitting everthing, saying how i'm changing and how sorry is so utterly inadequate. She's responded but it's been quite short and to the point. I've been clinging on to the hope that if I can show her i have changed and be the man she needed me to be we might reconsile, maybe even stronger tht we ever were. but a couple of days ago we had out first face to face discussion, I asked if we could talk, she replied "what about" , I said "us". Her reply "there is no us". W talked some more but she ended with saying that she does not love me and hasn't done for years. It felt like a black hole opended in front of me and i watched as pieces of my life fell into it lost forever. I'm now thinking, ifthat's true, what f**king chance did I have. I'm f**ked, I'm in therapy, feeling I'm finally getting to grips with issues I've struggled with for 30 years but it's all too f**king late. I'm seeing the kids ok and after a very near suicidal few days I'm in a better place, read some stuff, giving her space, being as supporting as she'll let me, have let her know I still love her and want her. We're trying to keep it as normal as possible for the kids and whatever happens we both want it to be amicable but I feels like the ambulance has come too late and patient is dead.