OW problem with MM...assistance needed!

[dandan1]

I started a relationship with my MM about 8 months ago.

 

He is older, 2 kids (19 and 21), and married to someone who he is compassionate towards but does not love (not many "relations", no affection,keep face for the kids, etc.) . He had an affair about 15 years ago when the children were small. Only physical, when she asked him to stop he did immediately.

 

We fell in love quickly and I realized early on that this love was unshakeable. After a few months I realized I didn't want to continue unless there was hope of a future for us, if he could never make "that decision" I would not stay. I told him that meant divorce, telling her, his children, family, everyone that he decided to leave a situation he wasn't happy in. He agreed, and we continued. Not even two months after he was confronted with phone bills. She asked and he finally admitted to the affair. She said he needed to decide and when he couldn't immediately, she decided to speed up the process by saying she would tell the kids asap and he needed to be out. She then says she doesn't want a divorce after all. We texted and though he didn't say he wanted to end, he said he needed to get away from the craziness (falls asleep immediately after). In my mind that was a breakup and I took it as such. Next day he says that was not his intention, he just couldn't make such a drastic decision after 3 months but knew he couldn't loose me either, still needed time decide what to do but knew this was love, something he never knew or felt before and just couldn't give it up.

 

We were a little rocky after this but soon decided only time would help determine what were to happen next. Our love grew and we realized how genuine it was. Soon he started telling me things about the future, that we were working towards the same goal. Things were going well. She always said she knew he was still having a relationship with me and she was right but never acted, said she knew he loved me. For about 3 months she did that and finally on Christmas Eve, she decided to confront him--- right after I had dropped him off at his car...She had been waiting in the same parking lot for over an hour...with her daughter (19).

 

He was so distraught his daughter had to find out that way and she then threatened him with his children again, saying she would tell them everything even when she knew her son was preparing to take a "life changing exam". She also said she would make sure to destroy his family, friends, work, if he did not stay. We talked about it...said he didn't want to ruin his children's lives like that, but couldn't give me up, knew where his heart was but wasn't see very many ways out. We continued and though it was hard we knew how much we loved each other, and would continue to let our love grow, seeing where it would go...I told him we could have time apart but he didn't want it.

 

Then started the swing of emotions, back and forth, then morals (though he knew right from the start what we got into), and not knowing about the "unkown", but then the I love you, would be miserable without you, I might, I can, what if she leaves and it isn't as bad, etc. It is so tiring, and though I know alot are excuses to buy time, Idk what to believe anymore. For the past 2 months and change we have been on this rollercoaster of emotions. He knows it is true love, but is so scared of what it means to own up.

 

About two weeks ago he tells me he can't go on like this, the guilt, the lying, and hidding, and wants me to "open the cage and let him fly". I'm like okay fine, let's talk it out, but he avoids it at all costs and has done that before, leaving it undecided and we are never officially "done". Finally when we do talk he says he needs time, needs to pull out of the relationship a bit...I think okay, fine I will give him time, but If that means him dealing with his relationship with her, figuring things out, and try to assess emotions and relationships, I can't be around to see that, my heart can't take it.

 

When I tell him this, he says that he knows he loves me more than anything, and doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to divorce because he doesn't think it's right "morally" (honestly, it's probably just that he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and funny how morals come along after all this) tells her the same, but doesn't want to give me up, that he can't and won't, doesn't know what will happen. He has never "ended" this either if that is what he was looking to do. It's like he wants her to be the one to leave because he keeps saying she's back and forth because she is now realizing how much he loves me (after he's had numerous breakdowns) but still feels guilty for "pushing it" in that direction.

 

Two days later after all this, he tells me that things have cooled down at home. I ask when we will be able to talk about all this and he says he hopes soon but doesn't want crying and blaming, but to talk and have meaningful moments, special time together. He says he still needs to pull out of both relationships a little at the moment (meaning less texting, calling, seeing each other because she gps tracks him, monitors calls, and requires every text at home be seen, that he calls while going to and coming from work, stays on the phone for at least an hour sometimes to make sure he isn't calling me, etc) but misses me terribly and when he sees me he wants unhurried, hopeful, meaningful, beautiful moments and is confident it will happen someday.

 

I am so beyond confused. He says he wants time and needs to pull out of the relationship, I want to give him that, but now he says he doesn't wants to loose communication? He is still texting me and calling me, calling me baby and my love, telling me how much he loves me, but i don't know how to handle this...is it over? It is at a stand still? Is he really thinking? Or is he just hoping she magically leaves (though he really doesn't push one way or another to avoid turmoil...though I feel he kinda should make hints)? What to do?

 

I know, I know...my man is a mess right now...I am too with all these emotions.

 

Help!

[Speakingofwhich]

I'm sorry you're going through this rough time right now, dandan.

 

If he's needing time and space, I would encourage you to give it to him.

 

He does sound conflicted within.

 

It's possible he really is facing a moral dilemma about divorce, though. There are people who truly feel (believe) this way. Sometimes even those who have As feel it's a lesser infringement on the spouse than divorce would be. And that an A is not as grievous a sin as divorce would be. It may not make sense to some who read this, nonetheless there are people who feel/believe this way.

[Quiet Storm]

I think he is staying married. Like many MM he still wants both. He doesn't want to lose you, but that doesn't mean he wants to divorce.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Understand that your actions are speaking, too. If you dont want to be with a married guy- then dont be. Continuing to be available to him says that you do accept it, even if you tell him you deserve better.

 

He will put his own interests first. Only you can decide how much of this you can tolerate.

[RickFox]

omg, cut this wishy washy passive aggressive man child loose. Stop playing this idiotic game with him. Seriously

[thinkingofhim]

OK so.. she's monitoring his calls, tracks him, and he shows her all his texts to read.

 

I don't think he's told her he's in love with you. I think he's told her he wants to reconcile and is lying to BOTH of you so that he can have what he wants... BOTH of you.

 

Call me a cynic but meh.

[whichwayisup]

. He says he wants time and needs to pull out of the relationship,

Never going to happen. I agree with everybody else, he likes having you both. He gets the comfort of staying married, being a family man, staying in the house and having a wife, living life with her - The whole package. He is older, been through diapers and has in laws, extended family, etc, and he isn't going to throw all that away because he doesn't have heart flutters for his wife anymore but has that feeling for you. Love isn't just about heart flutters, it's much more and I think deep down he knows that but is being selfish by keeping you in his life, giving you hope.

 

This is your decision. You can stay and wait it out, see what happens or you can walk away and grieve, try to heal from this so you can one day find a man who will love only you and not have so much baggage.

 

He has cheated more than once in his marriage, not a great track record either, so IF you do end up with him, you know the type of man he is and what he's capable of. Look how he's treated the woman he married and had two children with!

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

He is not leaving her...If he is still hiding your relationship then there is no way he has told her he won't end it with you...otherwise...why bother hiding? His story is do full of lies and inconsistencies. Why agree to full transparency if he isn't planning on staying? He's lying to you.

 

Plus he's totally manipulating you with all this 'no talking, only special time' crap. He just doesn't want to answer all your questions and is trying to shut you up.

 

A man who lies to you, lies about you and manipulates you DOES NOT LOVE YOU. He only loves himself. If his lips are moving, chances are, he's lying.

 

Sorry to be harsh. But he's just a user.

[jwi71]

I started a relationship with my MM about 8 months ago.

 

He is older, 2 kids (19 and 21), and married to someone who he is compassionate towards but does not love (not many "relations", no affection,keep face for the kids, etc.) . He had an affair about 15 years ago when the children were small. Only physical, when she asked him to stop he did immediately.

 

We fell in love quickly and I realized early on that this love was unshakeable. After a few months I realized I didn't want to continue unless there was hope of a future for us, if he could never make "that decision" I would not stay. I told him that meant divorce, telling her, his children, family, everyone that he decided to leave a situation he wasn't happy in. He agreed, and we continued. Not even two months after he was confronted with phone bills. She asked and he finally admitted to the affair. She said he needed to decide and when he couldn't immediately, she decided to speed up the process by saying she would tell the kids asap and he needed to be out. She then says she doesn't want a divorce after all. We texted and though he didn't say he wanted to end, he said he needed to get away from the craziness (falls asleep immediately after). In my mind that was a breakup and I took it as such. Next day he says that was not his intention, he just couldn't make such a drastic decision after 3 months but knew he couldn't loose me either, still needed time decide what to do but knew this was love, something he never knew or felt before and just couldn't give it up.

 

We were a little rocky after this but soon decided only time would help determine what were to happen next. Our love grew and we realized how genuine it was. Soon he started telling me things about the future, that we were working towards the same goal. Things were going well. She always said she knew he was still having a relationship with me and she was right but never acted, said she knew he loved me. For about 3 months she did that and finally on Christmas Eve, she decided to confront him--- right after I had dropped him off at his car...She had been waiting in the same parking lot for over an hour...with her daughter (19).

 

He was so distraught his daughter had to find out that way and she then threatened him with his children again, saying she would tell them everything even when she knew her son was preparing to take a "life changing exam". She also said she would make sure to destroy his family, friends, work, if he did not stay. We talked about it...said he didn't want to ruin his children's lives like that, but couldn't give me up, knew where his heart was but wasn't see very many ways out. We continued and though it was hard we knew how much we loved each other, and would continue to let our love grow, seeing where it would go...I told him we could have time apart but he didn't want it.

 

Then started the swing of emotions, back and forth, then morals (though he knew right from the start what we got into), and not knowing about the "unkown", but then the I love you, would be miserable without you, I might, I can, what if she leaves and it isn't as bad, etc. It is so tiring, and though I know alot are excuses to buy time, Idk what to believe anymore. For the past 2 months and change we have been on this rollercoaster of emotions. He knows it is true love, but is so scared of what it means to own up.

 

About two weeks ago he tells me he can't go on like this, the guilt, the lying, and hidding, and wants me to "open the cage and let him fly". I'm like okay fine, let's talk it out, but he avoids it at all costs and has done that before, leaving it undecided and we are never officially "done". Finally when we do talk he says he needs time, needs to pull out of the relationship a bit...I think okay, fine I will give him time, but If that means him dealing with his relationship with her, figuring things out, and try to assess emotions and relationships, I can't be around to see that, my heart can't take it.

 

When I tell him this, he says that he knows he loves me more than anything, and doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to divorce because he doesn't think it's right "morally" (honestly, it's probably just that he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and funny how morals come along after all this) tells her the same, but doesn't want to give me up, that he can't and won't, doesn't know what will happen. He has never "ended" this either if that is what he was looking to do. It's like he wants her to be the one to leave because he keeps saying she's back and forth because she is now realizing how much he loves me (after he's had numerous breakdowns) but still feels guilty for "pushing it" in that direction.

 

Two days later after all this, he tells me that things have cooled down at home. I ask when we will be able to talk about all this and he says he hopes soon but doesn't want crying and blaming, but to talk and have meaningful moments, special time together. He says he still needs to pull out of both relationships a little at the moment (meaning less texting, calling, seeing each other because she gps tracks him, monitors calls, and requires every text at home be seen, that he calls while going to and coming from work, stays on the phone for at least an hour sometimes to make sure he isn't calling me, etc) but misses me terribly and when he sees me he wants unhurried, hopeful, meaningful, beautiful moments and is confident it will happen someday.

 

I am so beyond confused. He says he wants time and needs to pull out of the relationship, I want to give him that, but now he says he doesn't wants to loose communication? He is still texting me and calling me, calling me baby and my love, telling me how much he loves me, but i don't know how to handle this...is it over? It is at a stand still? Is he really thinking? Or is he just hoping she magically leaves (though he really doesn't push one way or another to avoid turmoil...though I feel he kinda should make hints)? What to do?

 

I know, I know...my man is a mess right now...I am too with all these emotions.

 

Help!

 

Would you like to buy some ocean front property in Arizona? I have some to sell...cheap. And, if you act now, I'll throw in a set of ginzu knives - for FREE.

 

He's full of crap. Stop buying it.

 

Please, re-read what you wrote and tell me that ANY of that makes even a modicum of sense. He can't file for D because he can't lose his kids - except they already know (certainly the daughter knows)- that's the EASIEST pile of crap to spot.

 

IF he leaves its NOT of his doing. HE can do that ANY time.

Please remember - we all go get what we want - those who want to have affairs - have affairs. And those who want to be D - get D.

 

Whats HE doing?

 

There's your answer....

[FoolishOW]

So sorry to hear of your situation. It's unbelievably painful for you, I'm sure. Unfortunately, I have to agree with the others who've replied. It certainly sounds as if he's told his wife that his relationship with you has ended and he's attempting to reconcile with her. It's so much easier to tell you that "she's tracking everything", then for him to have to own the responsibility of willingly lessening the communication he has with you. It makes him less of a bad guy to you, and garners your empathy at the same time.

 

 

I also agree that while he may have very deep feelings for you, he isn't in a position to freely act on those feelings anymore, because now it comes at a very high price to him... a price he isn't willing to pay.

 

 

It's one thing to fall in love with someone and go on and on about how wonderful the two of you are together, but it becomes a whole different situation when you're suddenly faced with having to make an actual decision between an entire family you've spent 20something years building a life with, and one single female you believe you've fallen in love with over a period of months. You can see the disparity there, right?

 

 

One other thing caught my attention. You mentioned you think he's waiting for her to make some sort of decision about their marriage. This says he doesn't make decisions for himself. Keep in mind, he may be expecting YOU to make a decision about your relationship with him as well, again, not wanting to be the blamed for ending it. I'm so sorry, but I think this is going to continue to become more and more painful for you, the longer you have hope of being with him. He's trying to appear kind to you, but he knows he's not going anywhere.

[FoolishOW]

Just an afterthought, Dandan. Do you actually know if any of what he's told you about what his wife has said, or done, or threatens, or knows, is actually true... other than the fact that he's told you it's true? I ask because it's quite possible that he's "created" these scenarios (that may have never actually occurred), because blaming everything on a "controlling, angry wife" is so much easier than having to acknowledge that he's led you on (since you made it clear you wouldn't continue with him unless he did A, B, and C.), while knowing that he had no intention of following through on the plans you believed you were making together.

 

 

Each situation you mention that involves his wife in some way could so easily be just a "story" he's concocted to justify why he isn't doing the things you want him to do. The timing of each occurrence seems awfully coincidental, and I fear it's a game he's played quite well, simply to keep you hanging in there. Not sure how you'd be able to tell without speaking directly to his wife, which HE knows is never gonna happen, but I think you should seriously consider that he's an incredibly good (though terribly unoriginal) liar.

[dandan1]

He knows I will not stay if there is no hope for us to be together...I gave him a timeframe (until July 3 our 1 year) to decide when this first happened in december and if not I am gone forever. He claims he has not decided yet.

 

He has a heavy work load 5-7, and would sometimes gets 3-4 hours of sleep because she was fighting with him about the phone (dangerous since he is a pilot) so he eventually decided to let her see his phone if she wanted. She does have main access to the phone so she gps tracks him this way.

 

He has told her he's in love with me. She says she knows he does but kinda looks past it until recently when she saw him having breakdowns and realized they were because of me...That she's starting to see "you love her more than you love me" but is back and forth with divorce.

 

His daughter knows part of it, but the W says she "doesn't need to know all of it". He is very scared because she stopped talking to him for awhile and their relationship still isn't fixed. Similar thing happened to his dad with his younger sister as well.

 

I think yes, all the fear of what he is potentially faced with loosing is killing him. He isn't good with decisions and over analyzes everything. I have already told him I won't stay if nothing changes and have emphasized this is all on him.

 

I know everyone will think I am crazy, but I think he is honestly still thinking about what to do (i don't think he would be on the verge of a nervous breakdown if he wasn't). I emotionally can't handle all this mess right now and have decided I need to walk away and let him figure things out on his own. If he really did or does love me he'll figure it out, if not then he can live unhappy in his marriage.

[dandan1]

Just an afterthought, Dandan. Do you actually know if any of what he's told you about what his wife has said, or done, or threatens, or knows, is actually true... other than the fact that he's told you it's true? I ask because it's quite possible that he's "created" these scenarios (that may have never actually occurred), because blaming everything on a "controlling, angry wife" is so much easier than having to acknowledge that he's led you on (since you made it clear you wouldn't continue with him unless he did A, B, and C.), while knowing that he had no intention of following through on the plans you believed you were making together.

 

 

Each situation you mention that involves his wife in some way could so easily be just a "story" he's concocted to justify why he isn't doing the things you want him to do. The timing of each occurrence seems awfully coincidental, and I fear it's a game he's played quite well, simply to keep you hanging in there. Not sure how you'd be able to tell without speaking directly to his wife, which HE knows is never gonna happen, but I think you should seriously consider that he's an incredibly good (though terribly unoriginal) liar.

 

I know this is all true...We were together for a good 5 days straight (day and night) last month and each day she would call and say I know you are here and here because I have you on gps(which we were) and would call throughout the day and night and have him on the phone for an hour or two to make sure he wasn't calling me (I was right there though). When we are on the phone she will call exactly when he is to get out or go in times his arrival to and from work. Sometimes we would meet if he finished work early but a minute after her eta she would call yelling. She also resorted to camping out at his work for hours to see if I would show up.

[rumbleseat]

Why should he make a decision? Right now, he doesn't have to. You love him, and he knows that because of that love, you will be wiling to overlook an awful lot of crappy behavior on his part.

 

As for the stories about his w, again, you are overlooking some pretty obvious lies. Why , if he loves you so much and wants to be with you so much, and his w knows, is he not taking that opportunity to leave? He gives all kinds of excuses for why it can't be now, you indicate that his w has even said she won't tell his kids all the sordid details, yet he still stays.

 

Stop letting him walk all over you and stand up for yourself. If his w knows about the affair, then you are half way there. Pick up the phone or send her an email asking her to let him go. Five dollars says he's full of it, and if she knows anything, it's that he told her the a is over and they are reconciling . Why else would he allow her to put a gps tracker on his phone, etc. " hey, I'm still in the a , so here is a GPS so you can track me while I do it" . Come on, does that really make any sense.? Reread your post and see if any of what he says makes any sense.

 

Stories like this always make me wonder what would happen were the ow and bs to compare notes. I wonder what the real truth would be.

[sweet_pea]

So he lets you listen to his phone calls? I was also curious as to how you knew so much about the exact conversations being made. Were you there when he was confronted by his wife with his daughter and was threatening him? It wasn't really clear.

 

Are you prepared to end things when your time limit is up? Just based on what you've told us, he seems like he wants the best of both worlds-- to stay married and to have you on the side.

[dandan1]

Why should he make a decision? Right now, he doesn't have to. You love him, and he knows that because of that love, you will be wiling to overlook an awful lot of crappy behavior on his part.

 

As for the stories about his w, again, you are overlooking some pretty obvious lies. Why , if he loves you so much and wants to be with you so much, and his w knows, is he not taking that opportunity to leave? He gives all kinds of excuses for why it can't be now, you indicate that his w has even said she won't tell his kids all the sordid details, yet he still stays.

 

Stop letting him walk all over you and stand up for yourself. If his w knows about the affair, then you are half way there. Pick up the phone or send her an email asking her to let him go. Five dollars says he's full of it, and if she knows anything, it's that he told her the a is over and they are reconciling . Why else would he allow her to put a gps tracker on his phone, etc. " hey, I'm still in the a , so here is a GPS so you can track me while I do it" . Come on, does that really make any sense.? Reread your post and see if any of what he says makes any sense.

 

Stories like this always make me wonder what would happen were the ow and bs to compare notes. I wonder what the real truth would be.

 

He says he is scared at the people he might loose which I understand but it doesn't mean I will stick around if he says he can't divorce. She told him she would tell the details, that she would make sure they never talked to him again if he didn't stay with her. Said the daughter "didn't have to know everything" if he stayed. She does know and I have attempted to talk with her and she won't. I have texted with her and she just sends back malicious texts. GPS tracker was not his choice, Sprint allows the main accountholder to do that and she handles the phone bills.We found out she could track him when we went to the zoo and he said he was at burger king...then she said no i'm tracking you, you are at the zoo.

[Snipercatt]

Some people are talkers, some are doers.

 

Do a balance sheet. Put all the things he says in the con list (pun intended). Put everything he DOES, that you can verify, that furthers the two of you being together, in the pro list. How does it balance out?

[dandan1]

So he lets you listen to his phone calls? I was also curious as to how you knew so much about the exact conversations being made. Were you there when he was confronted by his wife with his daughter and was threatening him? It wasn't really clear.

 

Are you prepared to end things when your time limit is up? Just based on what you've told us, he seems like he wants the best of both worlds-- to stay married and to have you on the side.

 

I'm sometimes in the room when they happen and other times I just tell him to go to the other room because she can have him on a call for an hour. I had just dropped him off so I was in my car, but I saw her run up and confront him, the daughter was in the car.

 

Yes I am. The time limit is what I gave him and if he can't then I won't stick around. We had initially come in with a let's see where this goes but when this situation happened I had to set a timeline because it drains me so much emotionally, mentally, and physically. It will be exactly a year on that date since we first started.

[rumbleseat]

He says he is scared at the people he might loose which I understand but it doesn't mean I will stick around if he says he can't divorce. She told him she would tell the details, that she would make sure they never talked to him again if he didn't stay with her. Said the daughter "didn't have to know everything" if he stayed. She does know and I have attempted to talk with her and she won't. I have texted with her and she just sends back malicious texts. GPS tracker was not his choice, Sprint allows the main accountholder to do that and she handles the phone bills.We found out she could track him when we went to the zoo and he said he was at burger king...then she said no i'm tracking you, you are at the zoo.

 

His kids are adults. Adults can make their own decisions.

 

He says he can't divorce now because she will turn his kids against him. What difference is a few months going to make? All that will happen is your heart will be even more broken.

 

Why do that to yourself? Why not let him know exactly where you stand and that you will to wait any longer or him to either pee or get off the pot. If he still drags his feet, consider what that is telling you.

 

Even if you do end things with him, that doesn't mean that should he decide that being with you is what he wants and he comes to you, divorce papers in hand, you can't resume your relationship. Mind you, it would be best that he get some counselling, etc. first to makes he is truly over his m and is ready to be in a full time exclusive relationship with you, if that is what you want and what makes out happy.

 

One thing that many people say, including ow, is that you someone shouldn't leave a m for another person, they should leave because it was the right thing to do because they were not happy even before the "other" came along. Do you feel your mm falls into that category?

[Snipercatt]

. She does know and I have attempted to talk with her and she won't. I have texted with her. . .

 

Dandan, this wasn't prudent and may cost your relationship, heavily.

[Lady2163]

So, you have four months until you let him go? Did I read that correctly? July 2014?

 

If I did, then since you seem determined to believe he is still trying to figure a way out of the relationship, why not just tread water for the next 4 months?

 

By that I mean remind him that July is as long as you will wait. And heed my warning here...do not wait a day longer. I know it is an ultimatum, but if you extend it one time, he knows he can continue to string you along.

 

I know you want answers right now, and you want him to choose you. I think you need to realistically prepare yourself for all three scenarios...1) he picks you, 2) he stays married 3) you continue to be the side dish.

 

I say this a lot - we never get the complete story from a post on the Internet, we make guesses and assumptions and form opinions on just a few statements. But, all that said I don't know why you want the hassle in your life. It is going to be many years of stress and his kids may never accept you. They may not want you at family functions. They may not want his future grandchildren around you. Odds are, choosing you means he gives up a relationship with his children. That love can be tough to give up.

[2sunny]

Classic selfish cake eater - and works both women in his favor to keep them both in his life - even when it hurts them.

 

He's thinking of himself.

 

Even if he divorced - you're still left with a very selfish and self centered, manipulator. None of which is attractive when you look at those characteristics without all your tangled emotions.

 

If it were your daughter - what would you tell her?

[dandan1]

His kids are adults. Adults can make their own decisions.

 

He says he can't divorce now because she will turn his kids against him. What difference is a few months going to make? All that will happen is your heart will be even more broken.

 

Why do that to yourself? Why not let him know exactly where you stand and that you will to wait any longer or him to either pee or get off the pot. If he still drags his feet, consider what that is telling you.

 

Even if you do end things with him, that doesn't mean that should he decide that being with you is what he wants and he comes to you, divorce papers in hand, you can't resume your relationship. Mind you, it would be best that he get some counselling, etc. first to makes he is truly over his m and is ready to be in a full time exclusive relationship with you, if that is what you want and what makes out happy.

 

One thing that many people say, including ow, is that you someone shouldn't leave a m for another person, they should leave because it was the right thing to do because they were not happy even before the "other" came along. Do you feel your mm falls into that category?

 

I try to explain that but due to his father leaving when his youngest sister was 18 and her hating him till this day, he is very hesitant when it comes to the kids and the past "examples" he's seen. I do want to "end" things, give him that space and tell him if he ever decides to get back to me, if not just don't bother but since I had given him a July 3rd deadline before he needed to "pull out of the relationship a little", he wants me to stick around till then, even if it isn't physical, says he just "can't loose me." And yes on the divorce thing, If he does and if I am still willing, then yes, maybe we can work.

 

As for him being happy before the "other", no he wasn't. When I met him he worked very long hours, spent little time at home and preferred to be at the office. He says he realized he got married very quickly and married someone he neither really loved or knew and that has lead him to overanalyze everything in his life thereafter.

[dandan1]

Dandan, this wasn't prudent and may cost your relationship, heavily.

 

Haha well actually this was her idea. Told him to convince me to talk it out among us all...and we agreed,all of us. We later found out she had other intentions and called it off.

 

How so cost? Curious.

[dandan1]

So, you have four months until you let him go? Did I read that correctly? July 2014?

 

If I did, then since you seem determined to believe he is still trying to figure a way out of the relationship, why not just tread water for the next 4 months?

 

By that I mean remind him that July is as long as you will wait. And heed my warning here...do not wait a day longer. I know it is an ultimatum, but if you extend it one time, he knows he can continue to string you along.

 

I know you want answers right now, and you want him to choose you. I think you need to realistically prepare yourself for all three scenarios...1) he picks you, 2) he stays married 3) you continue to be the side dish.

 

I say this a lot - we never get the complete story from a post on the Internet, we make guesses and assumptions and form opinions on just a few statements. But, all that said I don't know why you want the hassle in your life. It is going to be many years of stress and his kids may never accept you. They may not want you at family functions. They may not want his future grandchildren around you. Odds are, choosing you means he gives up a relationship with his children. That love can be tough to give up.

 

Yes, four months, exactly a year since we started. He knows I will not wait any longer and honestly knows either something changes or i'm leaving. Right now he wants me to give him space but still wants to be in communication even if we are not "physical", he doesn't want to lose me he claims but I can't emotionally deal with sticking around while he decides. And yes a lot to consider, I have thought about it all but decided I am willing to stick it out and help him "fix things" if need be.

[dandan1]

Classic selfish cake eater - and works both women in his favor to keep them both in his life - even when it hurts them.

 

He's thinking of himself.

 

Even if he divorced - you're still left with a very selfish and self centered, manipulator. None of which is attractive when you look at those characteristics without all your tangled emotions.

 

If it were your daughter - what would you tell her?

 

If she were my daughter I would not bring her to catch her father with the OW just to prove my point. Tell her yes, but not destroy her relationship with her father if he didn't stay with me (which she did threaten to do).