OW problem with MM...assistance needed!

[Snipercatt]

How so cost

 

It showed both of them that you can be bargained with. That is what is happening, here.

[dandan1]

It showed both of them that you can be bargained with. That is what is happening, here.

 

Wow not my intention but I see your point. I honestly just wanted to come clean and "compare" so I could get this over with...

[Snipercatt]

I honestly just wanted to come clean and "compare" so I could get this over with...

 

Regardless whether you stick it out, or not, you have to learn boundaries for you own best interest, and you must learn what isn't yours to control.

 

Coming clean is MM's job. Don't do his dirty work. Getting it over with is between them, and within their control, as involves their marriage. Don't expend energy over something you have NO control over. If you decide to stick it out, you are a passenger on their dysfunctional rollercoaster.

[Lady2163]

Yes, four months, exactly a year since we started. He knows I will not wait any longer and honestly knows either something changes or i'm leaving. Right now he wants me to give him space but still wants to be in communication even if we are not "physical", he doesn't want to lose me he claims but I can't emotionally deal with sticking around while he decides. And yes a lot to consider, I have thought about it all but decided I am willing to stick it out and help him "fix things" if need be.

 

Okay, so I don't think I am usually slow to catch on and I'm really not trying to mess with you.

 

If this man is the love of your life, if you believe him to be your soul mate, then I don't see the harm in waiting 84 more days. Be there as a friend for those 84 days. Let him do the initiating in communicating. Are you not able to go without sex for 84 more days?

 

But, you need to be totally clear where you expect him to be in 84 days. I don't know the divorce process where you live, but you need for him to meet a specific goal by then. In the states, in 81 days, I personally, would expect him to be living in a possibly crappy apartment and doing a lot of negotiations with her lawyer. But that is just me. To be honest, I don't know how long I would have waited if MM had been leaving his wife for me. That was never an option.

 

I did like him well enough that I would have given him the three months. BUT, I would have made it clear my expectations AND communication requirements.

[dandan1]

Okay, so I don't think I am usually slow to catch on and I'm really not trying to mess with you.

 

If this man is the love of your life, if you believe him to be your soul mate, then I don't see the harm in waiting 84 more days. Be there as a friend for those 84 days. Let him do the initiating in communicating. Are you not able to go without sex for 84 more days?

 

But, you need to be totally clear where you expect him to be in 84 days. I don't know the divorce process where you live, but you need for him to meet a specific goal by then. In the states, in 81 days, I personally, would expect him to be living in a possibly crappy apartment and doing a lot of negotiations with her lawyer. But that is just me. To be honest, I don't know how long I would have waited if MM had been leaving his wife for me. That was never an option.

 

I did like him well enough that I would have given him the three months. BUT, I would have made it clear my expectations AND communication requirements.

 

Emotionally the back and forth is killing me. Mentally and physically I am a mess (and yes I can do without the sex). He wants to be "friends" for this time, but he is a mess and taking me along for the ride right now. He is back and forth wether he can or can't and hearing this over and over is destroying what we have. I am willing to wait in "my heart" but mentally and physically I will shut down pretty soon.Reason he wants this is because he knows he can't function well without me around...he's been having breakdowns and crying fits in front of the W because these past few weeks we were "not communicating". He knows my expectations and I have made that clear. I would just rather he tell me it's over if he honestly knows he won't make a change but he tells me he is still deciding...

[nais]

No your not- look at every word you just wrote ... He has been TELLING you his intentions when he is confronted. He wont leave her, if he does it will be after many scenes you described. He may not be ready- but are you ready? This wont end with her, if she's manipulative I guarantee her children can easily follow in her footsteps. She will drag your name and his-

 

 

This is every bit of a 22 year lifestyle for the both of them. The person who needs to make a decision is you. You set your standard, why waver?

[FoolishOW]

If she were my daughter I would not bring her to catch her father with the OW just to prove my point. Tell her yes, but not destroy her relationship with her father if he didn't stay with me (which she did threaten to do).

 

 

 

 

 

I could be wrong, but I think what 2sunny was asking you is, "What advice would you give your own daughter in this situation", with no reference to your MM's actual daughter.

 

 

I do understand your timeline, to a degree, and as was pointed out, that gives you/him somewhere around 80 days to take action. Please don't walk all the way to the end of that plank with the expectation that something will happen if it becomes (any more) clear that it won't. If you were my best friend I'd say, "cut him loose" and see where the chips fall. For you to allow several more months to go by simply on the premise that "I already set a deadline, I need to stick to it", not only shows that you're currently justifying hanging in there although change seems very improbable, but that most likely there will be additional justification for time spent after another 80some days... as in, "He's getting really close", or "She's emotionally too week right now", or "The kids are too distraught".

 

 

You have nothing to gain in 80 days that requires you to take your chances and wait it out. If he's going to do anything, he'll do it, one way or another. You should be taking the time to heal. If he comes calling with divorce papers in hand, great for you. If not, you're three months into the healing process. Which do you honestly, truthfully, think will happen?

[dandan1]

No your not- look at every word you just wrote ... He has been TELLING you his intentions when he is confronted. He wont leave her, if he does it will be after many scenes you described. He may not be ready- but are you ready? This wont end with her, if she's manipulative I guarantee her children can easily follow in her footsteps. She will drag your name and his-

 

 

This is every bit of a 22 year lifestyle for the both of them. The person who needs to make a decision is you. You set your standard, why waver?

 

That is the thing I tell him okay so no divorce then? And he'll say Idk, no, maybe I can, who knows what may happen, etc. I tell him just to tell me flat out if that is it but he won't and says he is still thinking. She is manipulative at times and I have already figured what I must endure if that is the case. He knows the standard but won't flat out say yes or no. I gave him a deadline of July 3rd prior and it stands but I can't be around while he decides, it's a lot to handle emotionally, mentally, and physically.

[Lady2163]

Emotionally the back and forth is killing me. Mentally and physically I am a mess (and yes I can do without the sex). He wants to be "friends" for this time, but he is a mess and taking me along for the ride right now. He is back and forth wether he can or can't and hearing this over and over is destroying what we have. I am willing to wait in "my heart" but mentally and physically I will shut down pretty soon.Reason he wants this is because he knows he can't function well without me around...he's been having breakdowns and crying fits in front of the W because these past few weeks we were "not communicating". He knows my expectations and I have made that clear. I would just rather he tell me it's over if he honestly knows he won't make a change but he tells me he is still deciding...

 

While I understand what you're saying, I don't know if you realize that you will be on an emotional roller coaster from now until years to come.

 

How will he feel is daughter refuses to have him attend her wedding or chooses an uncle or someone else to walk her down the aisle? That will affect his mood for months. How will he cope with not being invited for Christmas...or what if the ex invites him for Christmas dinner...but not you? He will be torn between seeing his family or being with you. These 84 days are just the beginning of what could be a long, contentious and expensive divorce. He may not be the man you love ever again. Divorces take away a bit of your humanity. They change a person.

 

You are going to take the brunt of this. When he is not invited to his daughters wedding, it will be 50% because of you. If he'd never met you, he'd never bein this position. You are 50% of what is causing him pain. You will always be a reminder of what he lost, what he went through, what he gave up and what he is missing out on.

 

He will be moody. Sometimes you away think you have your old AP back and then he will lash out at the smallest thing.

 

You are just starting this process. If this is what you truly want, you need to toughen up and not take his mood swings personally. Stick to your guns, July 3rd and your gone. Keep repeating that to yourself and him.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most of the OWs who ended up with their AP and are happy, had AP who wanted desperately to leave and didn't stay around to be controlled and micromanaged for very long after a DDAY. I would also hazard the guess that the happiest ones never had a DDAY, but left the marriage and got their own apartment and in time introduce the OW as a girlfriend, not an AP.

Edited March 11, 2014 by Lady2163

[dandan1]

I could be wrong, but I think what 2sunny was asking you is, "What advice would you give your own daughter in this situation", with no reference to your MM's actual daughter.

 

 

I do understand your timeline, to a degree, and as was pointed out, that gives you/him somewhere around 80 days to take action. Please don't walk all the way to the end of that plank with the expectation that something will happen if it becomes (any more) clear that it won't. If you were my best friend I'd say, "cut him loose" and see where the chips fall. For you to allow several more months to go by simply on the premise that "I already set a deadline, I need to stick to it", not only shows that you're currently justifying hanging in there although change seems very improbable, but that most likely there will be additional justification for time spent after another 80some days... as in, "He's getting really close", or "She's emotionally too week right now", or "The kids are too distraught".

 

 

You have nothing to gain in 80 days that requires you to take your chances and wait it out. If he's going to do anything, he'll do it, one way or another. You should be taking the time to heal. If he comes calling with divorce papers in hand, great for you. If not, you're three months into the healing process. Which do you honestly, truthfully, think will happen?

 

The timeline was set when this first started and now that is why I am telling him I want to give him his "time" until then but I just cannot be around when he "decides". He knows I am very serious about my timelines because I have set them for other things and he has complied. I agree with "If he's going to do anything, he'll do it, one way or another." This relationship has seen a lot of twists and turns, so honestly I can't say, but right now I think he won't "man up" unless he is pushed...either that or he will have some sort of breakdown.

[dandan1]

While I understand what you're saying, I don't know if you realize that you will be on an emotional roller coaster from now until years to come.

 

How will he feel is daughter refuses to have him attend her wedding or chooses an uncle or someone else to walk her down the aisle? That will affect his mood for months. How will he cope with not being invited for Christmas...or what if the ex invites him for Christmas dinner...but not you? He will be torn between seeing his family or being with you. These 84 days are just the beginning of what could be a long, contentious and expensive divorce. He may not be the man you love ever again. Divorces take away a bit of your humanity. They change a person.

 

You are going to take the brunt of this. When he is not invited to his daughters wedding, it will be 50% because of you. If he'd never met you, he'd never bein this position. You are 50% of what is causing him pain. You will always be a reminder of what he lost, what he went through, what he gave up and what he is missing out on.

 

He will be moody. Sometimes you away think you have your old AP back and then he will lash out at the smallest thing.

 

You are just starting this process. If this is what you truly want, you need to toughen up and not take his mood swings personally. Stick to your guns, July 3rd and your gone. Keep repeating that to yourself and him.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most of the OWs who ended up with their AP and are happy, had AP who wanted desperately to leave and didn't stay around to be controlled and micromanaged for very long after a DDAY. I would also hazard the guess that the happiest ones never had a DDAY, but left the marriage and got their own apartment and in time introduce the OW as a girlfriend, not an AP.

 

Right now I can't deal with the torture of not knowing if we will be together or not and him not knowing either. I understand what the future may or may not hold if we end up together, and have told him It would be tough but we would have to help each other through. I've told him July 3rd and I will stick with that. If later in life we both meet, single, then I guess we will know for sure what it truly was.

[thinkingofhim]

So what are your goals for this deadline? Is it just for him to make a decision, or for him to take some concrete verifiable action (such as moving out, filing for D, etc)? Because if the deadline is just for him to "decide"... So July 3rd rolls around, you put your foot down and tell him to take action, he says "I choose you! I'm definitely getting divorced! Now let's give it until July 3rd, 2015 for me to get a lawyer because I have to do XYZ, find the perfect apartment, etc, just be patient..."

 

I see people talk about timelines an awful lot here but I don't see people saying "Well, the deadline passed and he was still M, so I moved on"... nope. I think timelines give OW the illusion of being in control of the end of the MM's marriage, while in reality they're the perfect method for MM to keep stringing OW along for YEARS at a time while making pathetically tiny steps that they claim are "progress".

[FoolishOW]

No your not- look at every word you just wrote ... He has been TELLING you his intentions when he is confronted. He wont leave her, if he does it will be after many scenes you described. He may not be ready- but are you ready? This wont end with her, if she's manipulative I guarantee her children can easily follow in her footsteps. She will drag your name and his-

 

 

This is every bit of a 22 year lifestyle for the both of them. The person who needs to make a decision is you. You set your standard, why waver?

 

 

 

I have to agree with Nais... He's given you all the reasons why this WON'T happen, despite following these up with "I don't know". He doesn't want to hurt you, lose you, and have to admit he can't follow through on your expectations, but you don't seem to be processing that information. You only hear, "I don't know, maybe I can leave", because that gives you hope, and keeps you around. The rest seems to fall on deaf ears. THIS is what happens, much more than you can understand right now, because it's happening TO you. Listen carefully to what he says... all of it.

 

 

His mention of not wanting to hear you crying and asking questions is a sure enough sign that he's not ready for any of this to come to fruition. Bare in mind, him leaving is only a starting point. Read the number of threads where the MM did leave, had an open relationship with the AP for a time... and THEN scurried back to his wife. I have to believe that scenario is many times more painful than where you are now. You are in the drivers seat about the decision to end this or wait. Please think carefully. There are SO many more fish in the sea.

[cozycottagelg]

It sounds like, if his wife wanted a divorce, he would get one. If she would "let him go" he would be with you.

 

So his wife is the one determining your future together.

[waterwoman]

It sounds like, if his wife wanted a divorce, he would get one. If she would "let him go" he would be with you.

 

So his wife is the one determining your future together.

 

I tend to agree. If she is behaving as badly as you tell us and he genuinely wants to leave, you'd think he'd find it a lot easier to leave than stay. So I guess the conclusion is that he doesn't want to get away that much.

 

Regarding the dd, I don't see that she is going to think any worse of MM this way than she would when the facts come out on or after the divorce. It hurts to see your mother rejected and treated with disrespect however the facts are presented.

 

Why didn't he leave after his first affair?

[Snipercatt]

He knows I am very serious about my timelines because I have set them for other things and he has complied

 

It sounds like, if his wife wanted a divorce, he would get one. If she would "let him go" he would be with you.

 

Not very attractive; a man governed by the whims of others and no fortitude for managing his own life. .ugh!

[vanellope]

OP, your situation and mine is 90% the same, very very similar.

the ex MM told me exactly the same things, he told his wife about our affair, he can't divorce and if leave should be her make decision, and she monitor him, and he want less drama, and he can't hurt others and so on...

 

the MM want both and he don't want make any decision, you stay with him in the other word means that you agree to be his lover.

his wife will not leave him, because she know her husband is willing to stay in marriage.

 

he might really love you, but he know he can't give what you deserve, a commitment marriage.

 

my ex MM always told me marriage is not necessary for two people in love. I almost buy it, but if so why he marry with other woman years ago.

 

I choose to leave him finally, soon after you will find out what he can do is just telling how much he love you, and no more.

 

I choose to leave him finally, he will not leave you because he don't want the guilty feelings and also he don't want to loose a woman who willing with him when he cannot get enought attention or romantic feelings at home.

 

I choose leave him, it's painful at beginning because you will feel waste so much time for nothing and feel you are not good enough because he didn't choose you. But you will be better, you will recovery.

 

after I leave him, my life become good again and I smile more. I meet a single man same age as me after and fall in love with and plan the real future. I can't imagine if now I still with the ex MM, I would not have the fullfilling life right now.

 

leave him, it's not mean you are loser, you deserve better!

Edited March 11, 2014 by vanellope

[RickFox]

That is the thing I tell him okay so no divorce then? And he'll say Idk, no, maybe I can, who knows what may happen, etc. I tell him just to tell me flat out if that is it but he won't and says he is still thinking. She is manipulative at times and I have already figured what I must endure if that is the case. He knows the standard but won't flat out say yes or no. I gave him a deadline of July 3rd prior and it stands but I can't be around while he decides, it's a lot to handle emotionally, mentally, and physically.

 

You can tell everyone here you won't stick around after your deadline passes but I'll call you on it. You'll be right there with him, making up an excuse as to why you're giving him more time. Why? Because of what I quoted above. HE TOLD YOU EXACTLY WHAT HE WON'T DO AND IS INCAPABLE of making a decision.... and then you blame her for being manipulative....already making excuses for him, and you're still there and he sees this.

[KaliLove]

Not very attractive; a man governed by the whims of others and no fortitude for managing his own life. .ugh!

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

Also, in reference to another post, his wife didn't ruin the relationship between him and his children..he ruined it himself. You helped. Yes, it was inappropriate for her to bring their daughter to confront the two of you, but if he wasn't cheating, there would be no need for a confrontation.

 

OP, your deadline is completely arbitrary unless you actually plan on following through with leaving him if he doesn't meet your demands. Do you have a list of exactly what he needs to have done by then? He could stretch this out for years if he wanted to, and keep you hanging on with little tiny actions that don't actually mean anything but are enough to keep you satisfied for a few months at a time.

 

He sounds like a weak-willed wuss who needs everyone else to tell him what to do. You're just as manipulative as his wife is and he's catering to both of you.

Edited March 11, 2014 by KaliLove

[Spark1111]

Why not tell him the truth?

 

It is TOO painful to be on the back and forth roller coaster of his emotions while he decides his future.

 

Ask him NOT to call or text or email you again until he, or she has served papers and is proceeding immediately towards divorce.

 

take your dog out of their fight. Focus on a whole and healthier you, starting today.

 

Do you really want to hold his hand for the next 4 months if he should reconcile? Why set yourself up for that heart ache?

 

Stop analyzing, over thinking every text and comment and I don't knows...You WILL drive yourself crazy.

 

Gracefully, forcefully, go NC. TODAY. WHY? Because it is HURTING you to stay in touch. Just tell him the truth of your feelings.

 

Just as she will never know everything about the affair, you will never know what is going on in his marriage right now.

 

Typical scenario: He is begging, sobbing to reconcile but cannot give up contact with you. Not wanting to go from your hero to bad guy, he is trying to either let you down gently, or wants you to end it.

 

She knows it, and is trying to decide if he can be truthful enough to trust a future with. I'd GPS his car too.

 

As for manipulation? My children were older and suspected, waaaay before I did, his affair, trusting fool that I was.

 

let this go today. IF you are chosen, you will know it much sooner as your silence kicks him off his fence of indecisiveness.

[Popsicle]

I started a relationship with my MM about 8 months ago.

 

He is older, 2 kids (19 and 21), and married to someone who he is compassionate towards but does not love (not many "relations", no affection,keep face for the kids, etc.) . He had an affair about 15 years ago when the children were small. Only physical, when she asked him to stop he did immediately.

 

We fell in love quickly and I realized early on that this love was unshakeable. After a few months I realized I didn't want to continue unless there was hope of a future for us, if he could never make "that decision" I would not stay. I told him that meant divorce, telling her, his children, family, everyone that he decided to leave a situation he wasn't happy in. He agreed, and we continued. Not even two months after he was confronted with phone bills. She asked and he finally admitted to the affair. She said he needed to decide and when he couldn't immediately, she decided to speed up the process by saying she would tell the kids asap and he needed to be out. She then says she doesn't want a divorce after all. We texted and though he didn't say he wanted to end, he said he needed to get away from the craziness (falls asleep immediately after). In my mind that was a breakup and I took it as such. Next day he says that was not his intention, he just couldn't make such a drastic decision after 3 months but knew he couldn't loose me either, still needed time decide what to do but knew this was love, something he never knew or felt before and just couldn't give it up.

 

We were a little rocky after this but soon decided only time would help determine what were to happen next. Our love grew and we realized how genuine it was. Soon he started telling me things about the future, that we were working towards the same goal. Things were going well. She always said she knew he was still having a relationship with me and she was right but never acted, said she knew he loved me. For about 3 months she did that and finally on Christmas Eve, she decided to confront him--- right after I had dropped him off at his car...She had been waiting in the same parking lot for over an hour...with her daughter (19).

 

He was so distraught his daughter had to find out that way and she then threatened him with his children again, saying she would tell them everything even when she knew her son was preparing to take a "life changing exam". She also said she would make sure to destroy his family, friends, work, if he did not stay. We talked about it...said he didn't want to ruin his children's lives like that, but couldn't give me up, knew where his heart was but wasn't see very many ways out. We continued and though it was hard we knew how much we loved each other, and would continue to let our love grow, seeing where it would go...I told him we could have time apart but he didn't want it.

 

Then started the swing of emotions, back and forth, then morals (though he knew right from the start what we got into), and not knowing about the "unkown", but then the I love you, would be miserable without you, I might, I can, what if she leaves and it isn't as bad, etc. It is so tiring, and though I know alot are excuses to buy time, Idk what to believe anymore. For the past 2 months and change we have been on this rollercoaster of emotions. He knows it is true love, but is so scared of what it means to own up.

 

About two weeks ago he tells me he can't go on like this, the guilt, the lying, and hidding, and wants me to "open the cage and let him fly". I'm like okay fine, let's talk it out, but he avoids it at all costs and has done that before, leaving it undecided and we are never officially "done". Finally when we do talk he says he needs time, needs to pull out of the relationship a bit...I think okay, fine I will give him time, but If that means him dealing with his relationship with her, figuring things out, and try to assess emotions and relationships, I can't be around to see that, my heart can't take it.

 

When I tell him this, he says that he knows he loves me more than anything, and doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to divorce because he doesn't think it's right "morally" (honestly, it's probably just that he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and funny how morals come along after all this) tells her the same, but doesn't want to give me up, that he can't and won't, doesn't know what will happen. He has never "ended" this either if that is what he was looking to do. It's like he wants her to be the one to leave because he keeps saying she's back and forth because she is now realizing how much he loves me (after he's had numerous breakdowns) but still feels guilty for "pushing it" in that direction.

 

Two days later after all this, he tells me that things have cooled down at home. I ask when we will be able to talk about all this and he says he hopes soon but doesn't want crying and blaming, but to talk and have meaningful moments, special time together. He says he still needs to pull out of both relationships a little at the moment (meaning less texting, calling, seeing each other because she gps tracks him, monitors calls, and requires every text at home be seen, that he calls while going to and coming from work, stays on the phone for at least an hour sometimes to make sure he isn't calling me, etc) but misses me terribly and when he sees me he wants unhurried, hopeful, meaningful, beautiful moments and is confident it will happen someday.

 

I am so beyond confused. He says he wants time and needs to pull out of the relationship, I want to give him that, but now he says he doesn't wants to loose communication? He is still texting me and calling me, calling me baby and my love, telling me how much he loves me, but i don't know how to handle this...is it over? It is at a stand still? Is he really thinking? Or is he just hoping she magically leaves (though he really doesn't push one way or another to avoid turmoil...though I feel he kinda should make hints)? What to do?

 

I know, I know...my man is a mess right now...I am too with all these emotions.

 

Help!

 

Marriage is boring, that is a fact. He just sounds addicted to the emotions and drama of the A and how it all makes him feel (it makes him feel alive), but doesn't want it to effect his life in any real way, he's comfortable. My xMM was like that too. A lot of married people are like that. You're not going to get anywhere with him. He sounds like he won't get divorced unless his wife divorces him first, and she doesn't sound like she wants to divorce either. Stick to your date and use this time to emotionally detach from him so it won't be so hard on you to depart from him, when the date comes and he hasn't done anything different.

Edited March 11, 2014 by Popsicle

[dandan1]

You can tell everyone here you won't stick around after your deadline passes but I'll call you on it. You'll be right there with him, making up an excuse as to why you're giving him more time. Why? Because of what I quoted above. HE TOLD YOU EXACTLY WHAT HE WON'T DO AND IS INCAPABLE of making a decision.... and then you blame her for being manipulative....already making excuses for him, and you're still there and he sees this.

 

I am sticking to this, no matter what you might think. He told me he could before this and now is back and forth so yes, that is the little hope I have, but no I will not stick around if nothing has changed. She is manipulative in some cases (I would be scared too if someone threatened to destroy my family, friends, and career if I did not stay) but whatever the case is, I will not stay around after this deadline, period.

[dandan1]

Why not tell him the truth?

 

It is TOO painful to be on the back and forth roller coaster of his emotions while he decides his future.

 

Ask him NOT to call or text or email you again until he, or she has served papers and is proceeding immediately towards divorce.

 

take your dog out of their fight. Focus on a whole and healthier you, starting today.

 

Do you really want to hold his hand for the next 4 months if he should reconcile? Why set yourself up for that heart ache?

 

Stop analyzing, over thinking every text and comment and I don't knows...You WILL drive yourself crazy.

 

Gracefully, forcefully, go NC. TODAY. WHY? Because it is HURTING you to stay in touch. Just tell him the truth of your feelings.

 

Just as she will never know everything about the affair, you will never know what is going on in his marriage right now.

 

Typical scenario: He is begging, sobbing to reconcile but cannot give up contact with you. Not wanting to go from your hero to bad guy, he is trying to either let you down gently, or wants you to end it.

 

She knows it, and is trying to decide if he can be truthful enough to trust a future with. I'd GPS his car too.

 

As for manipulation? My children were older and suspected, waaaay before I did, his affair, trusting fool that I was.

 

let this go today. IF you are chosen, you will know it much sooner as your silence kicks him off his fence of indecisiveness.

 

That is what I want to do. I have told him I want no contact while he needs time to "think" because I can't take it but he keeps saying he would like to communicate while he thinks it all through. I can't handle that but I want to end it in person, get closure though it is seeming impossible right now. He keeps saying he can't "emotionally take" a conversation like that right now.

[Spark1111]

I am sticking to this, no matter what you might think. He told me he could before this and now is back and forth so yes, that is the little hope I have, but no I will not stick around if nothing has changed. She is manipulative in some cases (I would be scared too if someone threatened to destroy my family, friends, and career if I did not stay) but whatever the case is, I will not stay around after this deadline, period.

 

Why even stay that long?

 

If it is causing you so much pain, and I can certainly understand why it would, why honor a timetable commitment to a man who waffles back and forth in difficulty of honoring anything?

 

Honor the commitment if you believe it is the right thing to do, but you STILL do not have to be in contact with him; no hand holding, no therapy, no shoulder to cry on, no soft landing, no plan B.

 

He, ALL by himself, needs to Commit, decide and choose. Period.

 

WHY make it easier for him, yet harder for yourself, to remain in constant ear shot of his marital woes and indecisiveness until July?

 

Let him inform you.....in July.

[Spark1111]

That is what I want to do. I have told him I want no contact while he needs time to "think" because I can't take it but he keeps saying he would like to communicate while he thinks it all through. I can't handle that but I want to end it in person, get closure though it is seeming impossible right now. He keeps saying he can't "emotionally take" a conversation like that right now.

 

Oh, so this is all about him, is it? What about what you can take emotionally?