Need help- Fighting over money again

[skinut2234]

I know I've posted money issues before- but last night was an all out- scream fest....

I tried to have conversation about it and I guess I'm getting frustrated-

Here is my side (I know there are 2 sides-):

We are on one income (and a good one)- Have some nice things.... Wife does great job with hous end kids, no complaints.... I rarely buy anything for myself (meaning just for me-clothes, tools-etc)

I grew up with really no money- Parents always worked and we just got by.

Whenever it comes to something I want to buy for me (and it does not happen often)- my wife always pushes back-

She never says - "let's see if we can afford it"- she just always says- "it's too much"

My side of the story is that- I work hard 50+ hrs a week and I do all my own house remodeling at night to keep the costs down (I finished my entire basement for like 2000 less than if we contracted it out)- I always work hard and do those things for my family first- The other day I received a check from an old 401K account that is expired- I have to withdraw the money- It's about 3,000. I asked my wife if I could use some of that money to buy something for myself and again- resistance- I am not looking to go on a spending binge- It would be nice to be able to buy one thing for myself once in a while- We are not going to go broke- This was unplanned income that we came into- For some reason she fights me on it and I just walk away frustrated- Am I asking for too much to be able to buy one thing for myself?? I have not bought something for me in over 10 years!!- Everything I buy is for the house or family.... I can't understand this and it's really starting to strain the marriage- HELP!

[Leikela]

Um, since you're the breadwinner in the family, it shouldn't have been, "Honey, can I?", it should have been, "Honey, I am...". It's YOUR money. A windfall of sorts. I don't see how she has any say in what you do with it. If the account never came about, you never would have had that money anyway.

 

You have a right to be mad. She has no right to tell you what to do with that money when it's yours and she doesn't even have a job. Please keep the 3K for yourself. Spend part of it that you want to and open up YOUR OWN account and invest the rest.

 

In the meantime, maybe you two need to start seeing a counselor? Money issues are on the top of list when it comes to reasons for divorce. If you want to save your marriage, please get help. Lines of communication are getting crossed here and need to be straightened out so everyone is happy. Best of luck to you!

[Lil Honey]

I don't think you are out-of-line in wanting to spend a portion of the money.

 

Both of you are married . . . to each other, even. That means that you should be working on issues and goals together. You should be sitting down at a pre-determined time throughout the month to discuss where and how the money will be spent. Even if you don't have a budget (which I recommend), you both need to be able to have your thoughts voiced. It would be great to be saving for something together (like a vacation). At the same time, a portion of the income can go to you so that you can save for something you, personally want. Another portion of the income can go to her so she can save for something she wants.

 

Further, it is VERY important for BOTH spouses to know about ALL the financial. No one knows when the other person will become incapacitated or die. Knowing what is going on prior will be of great help when life dumps something on you.

 

You can always propose that the $3K be split. One-third to you, one third to her and one-third to the family, for example. Of course, if you don't roll that over, the government is going to want part of it, so you may want to roll it over (or a good portion of it) into another investment.

 

I think you have every right to know where the money will go if you "can't have" any of it. You should see the credit card bills, etc. and know where your money is going.

[skinut2234]

Thanks- I have a good handle on where the money goes- She does all the budgeting and bill paying and I trust her. She also spends more than me on a daily basis (which is fine) I do not hassle her about it. I know she will go out to lunch and shopping and things liek that and I am OK with that- I know she is not going to go out and spend every dime on useless things..... I just want my feelings to be taken into account when I come across something I want to buy- I guarantee you if I went through every receipt and bill- I would find out that she spends the money freely- Lunches, shopping etc......That is where I get frustrated- I don't hassle her at all because it's not excessive- When I bring something up- she shoots me down and says- we do not have the money- I'm getting more and more frustrated and upset about it to the point that I will just buy something and not care.... I am trying to be fair and play by the rules- Then she will just get mad and scream "just buy what u want" then I'm stuck- We both have very different views of how muney should be spent and budgeted- We've sat down and talked about it a bunch of times and get nowhere..... Not sure where to go from here without causing a fight

[sumdude]

Sounds to me like you deserve to do something for yourself. Maybe take a part of it and spend some fun money on the family too. A little vacation, maybe surprise gifts for everyone, especially the wife who has been keeping the house and kids going. But you definitly deserve to enjoy some of the extra fruit of your labors every once in a while. Is there anything we might be missing here? Is there some specific financial need that must be met?

[michelangelo]

You can play her game and put her on a budget. I mean the personal spending stuff, not the household stuff.

 

Then add up a reasonable estimate of what she spends in a year on lunch out, getting nails/hair done, etc. Then cut that in half and go spend a grand on yourself. trust me, it'll be far less than she spends on herself.

 

Or you can just inform her that yo want this thing and go get it.

 

Result in either case? Your wife will be pissed that you spent money she sees as her lone RIGHT to decide how it is spent.

 

She's the kind of person that a a running list of things she wants to spend your money on so when you pop up with your one item it is instantly below her list.

[skinut2234]

sumdude- Not really- I make a good living and we do have some extra money here and there to spend- She seems to panic much more than I do- One other interesting fact- She grew up with money in her family and I didn't- Could that be playing into it??? I did explain to her that since I grew up not used to getting things that now that I am older and working - I have a strong desire to buy them- Life is short and as long as I'm not bankrupting the budget- see no reason why I cannot spend money on me once in a while (a long while)- I'm trying to understand where she is coming from but I can't-

[Lil Honey]

If you can't understand her and she is yelling at you each time you want to spend some of your own money - even though there isn't a debt looming overhead - then you two aren't communicating.

 

Take the money and make an appointment with a financial consultant and/or a marriage counselor. Your needs aren't being met. Not only is that unfair (since her needs ARE being met) but you will end up getting very angry and it will drive a wedge . . .

[Owl]

I agree that the biggest issue here isn't the money...its the lack of communication. You need to be talking, and COMPROMISING, about how that money is spent. There should always be some way for the two of you to negotiate...any marriage where one partner consistently gets their way while the other partner's views, ideas, etc... are ignored is in some serious trouble if they don't get that fixed.

 

On the money thing specifically. I have a similar type of issue, and here's how I resolved it. In my case, I tend to want one big thing a year...and rarely ask for much else at any point. Last year, it was a pair of custom leather boots. Knew there was no way we could afford to just drop the money on them...so, I got in the habit of dropping a $20 here and there into a little spot in my wallet. I told the wife what I was doing...she figured no issue, I'd blow it all anyway. Six months later, bingo...had my boots! Now...since then, I've kept up the habit of doing that. My wife 'knows'...in that when we've run into an emergency and had no idea how we'd handle it, I'd pull out what little I'd kicked back and deal with it. Maybe not as fancy as a savings account, or as structured, but it works.

 

See, my wife sounds like yours...she constantly spends money on little things for herself all the time. I don't...so it balances out when you think about it. It's just a matter of figuring out HOW to make it work.

 

Anyway...besides seriously suggesting you two sit together and work the budget in a way that BOTH can be happy, I'd heartily hope that the two of you find ways to negotiate when you've got problems. Good luck!

[Ladyjane14]

What kind of thing is it that you want to buy? Maybe her issue isn't really about money. Maybe she's just saying its about money because something else is making her anxious.

 

My husband wanted one of those 4-wheeler ATV's. I hate those things and I'm always afraid someone's going to get hurt on it.

 

I definately argued the "money issue" first, since it's clearly not something we needed. I was hoping that we wouldn't even have to go into the real issue of my anxiety over it.

 

He did end up buying it. And I still VERY MUCH despise the whole idea of having one. Maybe some of it's parts might get lost this spring. (????)