am i being selfish i dont feel it

[gemmawilson]

hi guys been with my boyfriend for 3 years and were in a long distance relationship about 4 hours away from each other, we usually use go see each other every second week half way meeting point... now it seems to be every second month, if that and im really depressed, ive tried getting into a schedule but it only lasts so long, my insomnia has become worse and so has my depression and my other medical conditions which i will not list for other conditions that are really stressing me out, im a long term disabled person(doesnt mean wheelchair btw) i need a carer and they are my parents atm. someday my boyfriend will be my carer and will look after me when we live together.

its not like time is really an issue in our relarionship but still has a massive impact as he has all the time at the weekends to do the things he enjoys, im not controlling or keeping him from doing the things he likes cause i do things too at the weekend with friends and family, its just every second month or sometimes more seems really unfair

hes the one whos working and out making money and fair enough all his wages go on his transport but i feel like im not important atall right now to him, ive been very patient... 5/6 months worth of it.. even though i know i am importamt to him and he constantly tells me im the priority in his life he doesnt call for days on end properly sometimes and use to be the one who would call every day and be upset if we didnt speak, he lately told me he doesnt find the need to work for me so hard anymore as he has me and theres no need to speak every night so much or to get stressed out im very upset at how hes saying this

i just feel so unappreciated to be honest with you, hes working 8-6 monday to friday sometimes earlier sometimes later. i feel like its pulling him away from me and sometimes i feel like the only way to get his attention is to cause an arguement and constantly try to get in contact with him which usually ends up with him becoming angry at me and me being upset yet he expects me to be there even if weekends were our time or just certain nights were but most nights be just randomly falls asleep and its not fair on me

i just feel so lonley and i miss him so much, i get so angry and upset at myself and him and sometimes everyone else that i lash out at myself, and get very erratic like harming myself not cutting, although i did before atm its more hitting and punching myself that seems to work but i dont want to be covered im bruises im sick of it. i just wish i could cope better, and its almost impossible for me to cope anymore with all these conditions i have on top, with all these doctors appointments and assesments and what not, along with meetings about other things to do with my welfare and living etc

i love him so much and i know he loves me, so i really dont know how to get through it cause i hate it....it feels like a struggle getting through each day and it sounds really selfish but i cant wait til his work place ment is over to have the real him back again, but its not going to be easy with him having to find more work again. its really making me feel so depressed that i dont get much time to see or talk to him i feel like i dont matter, well put it this way i made him very upset telling him about how i feel about what he comes across as or when i say that hes not giving me any time . he always goes on about how great his work is and seeing his friends at work and it just makes me feel so sad inside that i dont make him happy and his work and friends there do, i would never tell him that as i would never be nasty about something he loves like his work...

. any suggestions on what i should do? id just like it to be back to how it use to be with us.

[Silly_Girl]

This sounds so difficult because you have so little influence on how things go, due to the dynamic. It does seem that he is distancing himself somewhat. If visits used to be much more frequent and now aren't - and this is his choice - then it sounds as though there is some transition going on.

 

A 4 hour journey that you split between you doesn't seem like a huge deal in a loving, committed relationship. Or not to me anyway.

 

His words are saying he's still in love with you but his actions don't convey the same message. Has he talked to you about why he is less active in your relationship these days?

[salparadise]

It sounds like a difficult situation. I don't know if your feelings are actually as jumbled as they sound in the post, but perhaps it would help to sort things into separate boxes. Some of your frustration is situational independent of the bf (your stuff), some caused by the necessity of him working away, and some by things he might easily change if you ask him in a way that he can receive. Avoid the all to common trap of holding him in contempt for everything that bothers you. You catch more files with honey, as they say. Talk to him about calling and see if he's willing to call every night, not because he has to, but because it would make you happy.

 

Attribute your feelings to his behaviors only when a) it's something he has control over, and b) things you have a right to expect, or c) things you negotiate and agree with him on.

 

You need an outlet for you frustration... can you exercise? When you feel like self-harming you need to talk to someone who is trained to help. For minor episodes there are less harmful alternatives, such as snapping a rubber band on your wrist (many others- do you need a list?). Also, you should be seeing a therapist if the predisposition occurs often or is severe.

 

I wish there was more I could do. Mostly I am just thinking that you need to take good care of yourself first, then take good care of your relationship, and try to manage expectations that you have of others... especially the bf. Then express what you feel with "I" statements and get him to engage.

Edited March 11, 2014 by salparadise