Improving part 2

[camillalev]

Its been about a year since I began my last thread so I thought it was time to start a second thread.

 

If you're unfamiliar with my story so far here is a breakdown;

 

Summer/Fall 2012 and Winter 2013 I was;

 

-Unemployed

-Unable to be considered for a job because of terrible, out of date portfolio(im a graphic designer)

-Competing with many, many others for the crappiest of jobs.

-Kicked out of my apt

-Couch surfing for two weeks

-Unable to see my friends due to lack of money

-Would get maybe 3 responses for every 300-400 resumes I sent out.

-Wake up 3-5 in the afternoon/evening everyday

 

I was horribly depressed and seriously considered suicide everyday to end my seemingly meaningless life.

 

Somewhere along the line I hit rock bottom.. it was do or die and I decided to take action to improve my life. There were a lot of times were it seemed like 5 steps I would take forward, I would go back 3... or 6. But I kept pushing forward because there was nothing left for me to do.

 

In the past year these are the steps Ive taken and changes Ive made;

-Created a new portfolio of 15 pieces(with more in the works). It is a mix of client work, mock client work, personal work that is relevant to my field, and personal work that is just visual candy.

-Took a much more active role in the non-profit I was doing design for. I participated in meetings, initiated and spearheaded projects, and was principle in event planning, and learned a lot.

-Completely reworked my resume and CV and had a professional recruiter look over my resume

-Recently began participated more heavily in social media, connected with people in my field and have gotten a lot of positive feedback

-Got my first major client name in my portfolio, an upscale retailer with stores across the country

-Been getting more freelance work, as a I add more projects to my portfolio.

-Now wake up 11 am - 1pm on days I dont work. Maybe later if I am a bit hungover.

-Improved my appearance in various little ways

 

There are also other things that I did in the beginning. I began taking french lessons(which I havent continued, maybe in the future?), taking st. johns wort and vit b supplements, and a few other things. I feel happier just having taken a much more active stance in life, doing what I love, being creative, and making money.

 

 

Right now I am on contract for a month at a creative agency. This is my first on-site freelance gig in awhile, after just 1 week I've learned new things. I am taking a central role in the project I was hired for and was SO nervous about it, but feel much better now. I also feel more confident, that Im getting agency experience under my belt, even if its just one week so far, lol.

I am getting paid more this month than I have in a LONG time. Even so, after doing some research, I also realized that I can charge more for my freelance day rate. Something I never had the confidence to consider before. Even before this job I was nervous about asking for the day rate I asked for, but Im glad I didnt go lower.

 

 

On the down-side of things, someone in another state tried to use my card, which had to be deactivated and my bank had to investiage the charges, etc. It was a pain in the ass but these things happen.

 

Other than that things are moving in the right direction even if I get a hiccup once in awhile.

I've been cautious about saying this are 'good' or 'bad'. I've learned that good and bad things happen simultaneously, as long as I dont dwell on it and keep pushing forward.

Edited March 11, 2014 by camillalev

[jba10582]

That is awesome that you are getting your life back on track! I always like reading post like these because it is something you are doing and overcoming that just seems to be part of life...and crawling up from that horrible pit of depression that seems to strike at inopportune times. I think you are doing a lot of the right things and these little things seem to put a little inspiration in me to keep on keeping on.

[juicygirl]

well done,keep up the good work xoxo

[melell]

Well done, love it.

[camillalev]

Since my last post I paid off a $1,000 credit card bill in full and opened a savings account. I know saving is a good thing to do, but whether its a sustainable thing for me to do at this point I dont know yet.

 

I also went to a design event and saw someone I know there just by chance, he introduced me to his friends and coworkers and we went out afterwards. It was nice hanging with people in fields related to mine. I also sensed some interest from a guy or two.. However nothing happened, my mind is not at that place right now - I'm still focused on myself and my life. Even though its still nice

 

Right now Im applying for Obamacare. It is more expensive than I thought it would be.. but I guess I have to suck it up. :/

 

I'm also aware of the attitude I'm approaching various things in my life with. Last week I felt nervous, I was worried that my performance and output was not good, even though it was. I was Happy that I was employed but still nervous. I've read that a lot of people who go through a long period of unemployment/underemployment suffer a type of PTSD, they subsequently approach life with an attitude of utter fear. I know I am lucky to have found the opportunity I have now, it's tough not to think, what if I lose this?? I want to control MY OWN life and not be controlled but this kind of negative, fearful attitude. A few senior members of the company I am freelancing for has made a point to introduce themselves to me, tell me they liked my portfolio and that they are happy I am there. I have to remember to that they chose to bring me on board. and to build on what I have.

Edited March 24, 2014 by camillalev

[camillalev]

I've been making a lot of realizations, lately. My having this new job has made me more self conscious.. Every time I tell someone what I do and who I am working for the first question they ask is 'what kind of clients do you have?' This question, especially considering the city I live in, is a question of status. I have been lucky to work with some good companies during my time there. It is making me realize how far I have to go and how much I have to do to get to where I want. So many of my friends and people my age have accomplished so much. They've spent the last few years building their careers, client lists, etc., and I'm basically starting over again.

 

It's also a bit of a struggle to not get in my own head while working. Being basically unemployed for so long has left a scar on my life. I may be recovering but it is there. Not just on my career, but on myself and my social life. I just have a sort of negative view of myself that is hard to shake. I also spent like a year out if my social circle.. That is hard to come back from. I also just don't even feel like talking about myself when I'm out, everyone has these things they're doing and planning, they have 'normal' problems, like they don't really love their job, they broke up with their boyfriend, or they're looking for a new apt, but basically they are fine. I'm mostly focused on this one thing, having a paying job, that's basically what I have going on. Now that I have some money coming in and I'm looking at other areas of my life.. There's a lot that needs to be put back on track. I'm juts going through a down phase.

 

I also spent the last two weeks not working, which is a bit depressing. I have a good amount of money saved up so I'm ok but I dont want to spend it.

 

I also had been shopping. Not so much right now but a few weeks ago. Just getting stuff that I've been needing to get. It's nice, I feel like I'm looking how I want to look, more like myself. I've been wearing they same one bikini for he last few years that isn't flattering, I got a new one that looks great on me

 

I also hung out with one guy recently, it was fun I won't be pursuing anything further. We get along but absolutely are not a match. It also made me realize how much I have to work on my life before I can share it with someone in any capacity other than a very casual one. Also, dating is damn expensive. When did the world get so expensive?

 

I also have my second big client name to add to my list. I can add to to my resume now but will have to wait a few weeks before adding it to my portfolio/website.

 

That's where I'm at and what I'm facing.

[learning_slowly]

Remember to look at what you have achieved already. If you ever have any more setbacks, you can use this experience to know you can get back up and move forward.

 

It's easy to compare yourself to people you know, but they may have had better help in life or have upsets yet to occur. Focus on what you are achieving and do more of it.

 

I think this is inspirational for everyone. I know I'm planning on starting my own company soon, and I plan to print this to inspire me on the tough days

[camillalev]

A lot has happened since I last posted. A lot of ****ty things, which I have has to deal with on a daily basis, and some good things as well. I keep meaning to post but so much has been happening that I'm either too tired or I don't have time. Ill start with the bad and end on a more positive note.

 

- my living situation has become terrible. I knew it wasn't the greatest place when I moved here, but it was all I could afford. This entire situation has been stressful..

If I'm not working I try to be out of the house.

 

- Someone in my field thinks a project of mine is directly copying their work, they sent a very condescending email then attempted to take legal action. Nothing huge, they were tryin fri get this website to take my project down. Anyway, Their issue has no basis on US law, they were basically just harassing me. Contacted a lawyer who laughed and straight up told me they were just being *******s, and helped me out.

 

- someone got my card information AGAIN. I think this might be because I have been online shopping more? :/

 

- In my free time I've been going to a lot of museums. I'm working now(will get to this later) but for a few weeks i wasn't. It was nice and quite inspiring. It took me out of my problems, gave me something beautiful to look at, something new to learn or some perspective. The downside was that it also eventually reminded me that I am alone. I'm fine with doing some activities by myself but not all if them.

 

- In my previous posts I mentioned that I never had money to see/hang out with my friends and this was a source of frustration/depression for me. Well, I have more money now, and I've realized that the lack of funds might have initially may have been the problem early on, but it's not now. There is a distance between me and some of the people I used to consider close/good friends. Also being in a dark place has left me mentally far away from them.

 

Realizing this has been really tough. It's worse than thinking i wasn't seeing them because I was broke.

 

- I realized that I have spent a huge amount of my 20's being lost. Maybe this is the norm for someone in their 20's but I just feel I've squandered it. No traveling, haven't fallen in love or been in a substantial relationship, wasn't learning much, and also very underemployed. Maybe being young compounded with the crumbled economy resulted in this, but I can't not take some of the responsibility.

 

- I watched a few eps of sex and the city.. I felt like I couldn't relate to any of them or their problems.. I wish I had those problems.

 

A lot of my energy lately has been going into making sure I am not overwhelmed by my problems and putting on a happy face at work. I've hung out with a few people.. But it takes so much energy to keep the mask on and act happy when I'm not. I don't have the energy.

 

Anyway, onto the more positive:

 

- I have a new full time, long-term freelance job. I'm working on contract for a large, internationally known company. It is a very recognizable name and getting my foot into a field that I am interested in. I'm not producing the most amazing, cutting edge design work but it is an amazing stepping stone for my career, my resume and my bank account. It's going in the right direction. I'm very excited and thankful for this opportunity it's also stressful.

 

- I'm moving soon. Simply being away from this toxic environment is a good thing, It's taken a huge toll on me. I'm moving to an area I'm pretty smitten with. I will be paying more than I am now, more like a normal rent price for the city/location. I can now afford it *knocks on wood*

 

- went on a week long vacation with a few friends last month. It was great being by the ocean, laying in the sun drinking a beer, exploring and getting tan. I was also the one who planned the trip and got everyone together my first time doing something like that. Everyone loved it.

 

- despite being depressed and overwhelmed, recently I've had brief moments of feeling a sort of openness. Don't know how to describe. It's 'free' kind of feeling and as soon as I experience it, it's accompanied by nostalgia.. It's how I used to feel when I was in my early 20's and not something I've felt in a long time. Like the world/the future is wide open and has something to offer me. It seems strange to write that after all the crap I just listed. It's not how I feel most of the time, they're just moments.

 

- I've also had a few light flings with guys. Went out, made out, had fun, socialized. It was nice. The only downside was, even though I was intending on them being short term, they lost interest before I did. Usually this is not the case(sounds stuck up but it's the truth). I know why though. I'm just not happy and I think it shows.

 

That's basically been the past few months. I have more to write about on different topics, but I Will write another post soon, after I move.

Edited August 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[camillalev]

I thought id give an update.

 

- I mentioned in my last post, I've been hired as a freelance contract designer for a new company, long term. The company is quite huge and well known. It's amazing for my resume, and gets my foot in the field I would like my career to go into. For sure just having had this job will help me tremendously. I've been learning a LOT. There is a lot to say.. This isn't my dream job, i know this is not where I want to wind up in a very long term sense. Also, the way the company is set up, and the way things happen make the job a bit crazy and the workload quite.. Huge. I thought maybe because this is new to me, it seems more more so, but I was warned at the interview and taking to coworkers confirms it. I'm still very grateful for the opportunity though. I think of it as bootcamp since I've been out of it for so long.

 

- I also mentioned that I was moving, which I did. I love the neighborhood, my apt is cozy, I'm much happier where I am. I also got rid of a lot if stuff in the move and upgraded some of my things. New towels, nicer bed sheets, hamper, etc. Getting a new mattress. I even replaced my evryday bras. I've had my old stuff for years, all stuff I bought when I only cared iabout it being cheap. Time for new and better quality.. within limits and a budget

 

- taking steps to improve credit. I used to have a fantastic credit score, now it's average, maybe slightly on the higher side if average, depending on how it's checked.

 

- Cooking at home, to save money and eat healthier. I like making food, at first it was so nice to come home and make a meal - that routine snd calmness which I had been lacking, but lately there have been a few times where I got home and was so tired, I didn't want to bother. Also, The healthier you eat the more you crave fatty foods? Is this just me?

 

- Mind is on travel.. Who knows when that will happen, but I got a replacement passport just in case.

 

- Diligently tying up lots of loose ends that I let lay around in the chaos of the last two years.

 

There's been so much change happening, it's overwhelming and even though they may be good things, it's stressful. It's easy to get lost in the stress, but now that I am writing this down, I'm happy about the progress I've made so far. I'm thinking of taking meditative yoga. For my body and for my mental well being. I have been very stressed the last month or so, whenever I've taken time to do anything meditative it has helped to alleviate that.

 

EDIT: also, the 'legal' stuff I mentioned in the last post is kaput. It wasn't a true legal situation.. A guy basically complained to a website that he thought one work of mine was similar to his and to have that one specific project of mine hidden from the websites public gallery, where members can like and comment on things. It was still stressful and annoying, but over now.

Edited October 4, 2014 by camillalev