My Story - End of my marriage

[hurts1968]

Hi,

Been looking round the site for a few weeks and got lots of help from lots of posts/advice.

 

Short version; Been with my STBXW for 15 years and married for 10. 6 weeks ago she went on a night out, didn't return till the morning and told me our marriage was over!

 

This was just a complete shock, she told me she had been thinking about this for quite a while and when she explained her reasons I could see why she was unhappy!

 

Turns out I was the one at fault (I can see it all now) I was neglectful, put her down about the house, weight etc. was very dominant in the marriage about what we did, what money we spent!

 

I have suffered from depression for all the time we have been together, many years of no effect at all but some really low points that have had an affect on me and the marriage.

 

I thought we had a fantastic marriage, standard of living was great, beautiful 3 year old daughter who we fought for 8 years to get, planning holidays etc

 

Fast forward 5 weeks and she has already filed for divorce, I am still in the house in separate rooms as I just can't bring myself to be away from her or my daughter.

 

I am currently seeing a Councillor for my depression and a Councillor for Anger Management for the controlling behavior.

 

My heart is breaking and I can't right now see how I stop it, I so much want to try again and make her happy, I was blind to it all but she never sat me down and explained how she was feeling.

 

1 week before she ended it I started a new job, bought a new car, even renewed our mortgage, all the while in that week my STBXW was sending lovely messages about our future, cuddling up in bed in the morning with our daughter and even posting lovely messages about me on Facebook.

 

Am I kidding myself, could we ever make it work, how do you move on?

 

I'm broken, can't stop the tears...hoping for some friendly ears!

[karnak]

Sorry, friend. But all this isn't about you.

It's all about her. Che's been cheating on you and she's now blameshifting in order to turn you into the villain in the marriage.

 

If she was unhappy she should have made arrangments in order to wake you up from your "slumber" and restore the marriage.

 

She has now found another man. And that's the real reason why she wants to terminate your marriage. You've been married for 15 years and have a girl. She has fulfilled her "married wife" fantasy from the times when she was a little girl. Now she wants to fulfill another type of fantasy.

 

Anyway, your marriage is dead. Accept the facts and fight for yourself and your daughter. You and her are qhat really matters.

 

Keep posting. You will find plenty of good people here, willing to give you the best advice.

[hurts1968]

Sorry, friend. But all this isn't about you.

It's all about her. Che's been cheating on you and she's now blameshifting in order to turn you into the villain in the marriage.

 

If she was unhappy she should have made arrangments in order to wake you up from your "slumber" and restore the marriage.

 

She has now found another man. And that's the real reason why she wants to terminate your marriage. You've been married for 15 years and have a girl. She has fulfilled her "married wife" fantasy from the times when she was a little girl. Now she wants to fulfill another type of fantasy.

 

Anyway, your marriage is dead. Accept the facts and fight for yourself and your daughter. You and her are qhat really matters.

 

Keep posting. You will find plenty of good people here, willing to give you the best advice.

 

 

Thanks for your reply...I am hoping against hope that this isn't the case, but it has been on my mind!

 

Since she told me it was over 6 weeks ago, she has disappeared from the family home on a Friday evening returning on a Sunday. Says she is staying with friends.

 

We fought so hard over 8 years to get our daughter and now she leaves her every weekend so something is pulling her away! She is a childminder from home so makes the excuse that she is seeing her all week but it's not quality 1 on 1 time.

 

I am still fighting for my marriage, I can't turn my feelings off but I'm getting nowhere!

 

I can't go down the route of NC with having a child plus I am not prepared to move out of the family home, we are both on the mortgage.

 

Solicitor tomorrow to try and understand where I stand from a legal point of view.

 

It's the pain I can't stand, the hurt and the loss...it's eating me apart.

[karnak]

It's the pain I can't stand, the hurt and the loss...it's eating me apart.

 

Yes. I know exactly what you feel.

But trust me: sooner or later the pain will subside. Many people here have gone through hell and back. And they're still alive and living fulfilled lives.

 

One day you'll be in a better and more fulfilling stage in your life and you'll be coming here, once in a while, to try and help others who will be in the tough spot you're now.

[karnak]

Since she told me it was over 6 weeks ago, she has disappeared from the family home on a Friday evening returning on a Sunday. Says she is staying with friends.

 

We fought so hard over 8 years to get our daughter and now she leaves her every weekend so something is pulling her away! She is a childminder from home so makes the excuse that she is seeing her all week but it's not quality 1 on 1 time.

 

There's gotta be another man involved.

Usually, only the thrill of sex with a new man can make a woman's mind divert from the focus on her kids.

[fizzylifting]

Very sorry to hear your story. I have also been feeling a lot of pain as my wife has given up on our marriage as well. I would not lay so much blame on yourself though. Keep up the counseling, focus on being a good father, and time will heal the pain.

[hurts1968]

Very sorry to hear your story. I have also been feeling a lot of pain as my wife has given up on our marriage as well. I would not lay so much blame on yourself though. Keep up the counseling, focus on being a good father, and time will heal the pain.

 

Cheers,

 

Just been reading your thread, it's hard isn't it?

For me it's the suddenness of it all that is hurting the most, not even a conversation about things needing to change or a chance to put things right!

 

I'm a great father, can't really bear the thought of not being there for my daughter everyday, we have a fantastic relationship....we have a lovely bedtime routine and the thought of not being there every night is tearing me apart.

[familygone]

Mine did the same ,cheated,lied and two faced me.Put the blame on me too.its always the mans fault.

[cozycottagelg]

It sounds like you had some flaws as a husband, however it doesn't make it acceptable to cheat.

 

She is in a fog. Look up 180, don't beg for her back. Let her go do her thing. She may return, she may not, focus on you and your daughter.

[hurts1968]

It sounds like you had some flaws as a husband, however it doesn't make it acceptable to cheat.

 

She is in a fog. Look up 180, don't beg for her back. Let her go do her thing. She may return, she may not, focus on you and your daughter.

 

 

 

I did/do have flaws, working really hard to minimise them! Can't really do the 180...in the same house, don't want to leave because of my daughter and legally it weakens my position.

 

Really wish I could turn my feelings off, but sort of glad I'm not the sort of person who could.

 

Never saw a future without my family, made mistakes but also worked so hard to build a great future for us all.

[hurts1968]

I did/do have flaws, working really hard to minimise them! Can't really do the 180...in the same house, don't want to leave because of my daughter and legally it weakens my position.

 

Really wish I could turn my feelings off, but sort of glad I'm not the sort of person who could.

 

Never saw a future without my family, made mistakes but also worked so hard to build a great future for us all.

 

 

Just looked again at 180...guess I can still go down that road while still in the same house!

[familygone]

One person cant save the marriage,i tried .They in there own world there right you are wrong.

[hurts1968]

Solicitor tomorrow.....don't really want to go but need to know my rights!

 

STBXW thinks I am just going to move out, continue to pay half the mortgage etc.

 

She doesn't really want to sit and discuss money, I know that she can't afford the house even if i do the above....hoping my visit to the solicitor is a wake up call!

 

Anybody else in the UK going through anything similar with advice they could share?

[GorillaTheater]

I'm a long ways from the UK, but the following may help even though you may not yet be in the right mental and emotional place to fully appreciate it. I'm not the author, but this post from another forum is one of the most powerful statements on the subject I've ever seen.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[hurts1968]

I'm a long ways from the UK, but the following may help even though you may not yet be in the right mental and emotional place to fully appreciate it. I'm not the author, but this post from another forum is one of the most powerful statements on the subject I've ever seen.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

 

 

 

Wow..thanks!

 

It sure is great advice, don't know if i am there yet, or strong enough yet....I don't really know if there is another man!

 

Really appreciate the message!!

[GorillaTheater]

The post may not be precisely tailored to your situation, but I bet it's more applicable than you may think.

 

In your case, right now, the most important take-away from that post is getting into the mindset that you recognize it's over, and while that hurts alot, you value yourself too much not to get on with a happy, fulfilling life without her.

 

Fake it until you make it (perhaps the underlying crux of the 180), and soon enough it will start becoming real, a little at a time despite the ineveitable emotional setbacks.

 

Hang in there bother; you CAN handle this.

Edited March 11, 2014 by GorillaTheater

[hurts1968]

The post may not be precisely tailored to your situation, but I bet it's more applicable than you may think.

 

In your case, right now, the most important take-away from that post is getting into the mindset that you recognize it's over, and while that hurts alot, you value yourself too much not to get on with a happy, fulfilling life without her.

 

Fake it until you make it (perhaps the underlying crux of the 180), and soon enough it will start becoming real, a little at a time despite the ineveitable emotional setbacks.

 

Hang in there bother; you CAN handle this.

 

 

 

Thanks again,

 

I will get there, I'm a strong person in most aspects of my life, feel weak as a kitten in this bit at the moment though!

 

Let's see what tomorrow brings, guess understanding where I stand legally will make a big difference!

 

Life's weird, would never have thought I would be in this position 6 weeks ago!

[hurts1968]

Thanks again,

 

I will get there, I'm a strong person in most aspects of my life, feel weak as a kitten in this bit at the moment though!

 

Let's see what tomorrow brings, guess understanding where I stand legally will make a big difference!

 

Life's weird, would never have thought I would be in this position 6 weeks ago!

 

 

Solicitor today!!

 

Woke up feeling terrible, miss the body laid next to me, miss talking about my day, miss cuddling up and watching our favorite programs....miss everything about her and our life together.

 

I know it goes against everything I should be doing but I am going to speak to her before the solicitors today, I have to tell her one last time how I feel and that I don't want any of this for our family!

 

Wish me luck on both fronts!

[hurts1968]

Well, got solicitor in an hour

 

Spoke to my wife, told her how much I love her, how much I love my family and that I don't want to go to the solicitors.

 

Told me I can't make her happy, I just make her sad....how is this possible so quick, only a few weeks ago she was telling me how happy she was, how much she was looking forward to our future!

 

God this hurts so much, sat at my desk at work and just want to cry!

[hurts1968]

Well, solicitor visit done...£200 lighter

 

Turns out my STBXW is claiming her costs against me too, amazing!!

 

Basically been told, what's the point in fighting it, will just cost you more money for the same outcome

 

Solicitor was good, said try and sort money, child and as much as possible between you both to keep the costs down, real sticking point is the house....

 

I don't think she can afford it even if I paid half the mortgage, can't buy me out as doesn't earn enough to take over the mortgage.

 

Anybody with any advice it would be much appreciated.

[GarrusVakarian]

Sorry, friend. But all this isn't about you.

It's all about her. Che's been cheating on you and she's now blameshifting in order to turn you into the villain in the marriage.

 

If she was unhappy she should have made arrangments in order to wake you up from your "slumber" and restore the marriage.

 

She has now found another man. And that's the real reason why she wants to terminate your marriage. You've been married for 15 years and have a girl. She has fulfilled her "married wife" fantasy from the times when she was a little girl. Now she wants to fulfill another type of fantasy.

 

Anyway, your marriage is dead. Accept the facts and fight for yourself and your daughter. You and her are qhat really matters.

 

Keep posting. You will find plenty of good people here, willing to give you the best advice.

 

This is the exactly the same thing that happened to me as from the OP, the same situation. Destroyed me mentally. Luckily no kids. Karnak has hit the nail in the head. You have been turned into the villain of the story to make her feel better about herself.

 

Its a ****ty deal for sure. But you have to try and move on. Sadly having kids your not going to have her out of your life completely.

[TroyNJ]

Please listen to the rest of us here, your wife is out for blood and doesn't care about you or your feelings. I went through the very same thing after 17 years of marriage...You need to protect yourself at all costs, if see can she will financially destroy you and not think anything of it.

 

I know it's hard to imagine but you must look at her as the enemy, if you don't and you try to kiss her ass to win her back you will be emotionally and financially destroyed. trust me, I lived it!

[GarrusVakarian]

Hurts1968. Sorry to read about your story. I have been going through this the last six months. Its pretty much exactly the same as I experienced with my wife. Suppose I was always the dominant one in the marriage as well. I didn't do it to be nasty or anything. She just rolled with it. One thing I learnt was, you cant compete with the OM. No matter what you try her head is in the fog. You cant bad mouth this guy, as she thinks he is gods gift. I know I have tried. The fact he has destroyed his own family to be with my wife, and she doesn't see anything wrong with it says a lot.

 

You cant reason with her, she wont care. She has traded you in, like my wife has done with me!. Its hard I know, I have been there, I have experienced all the hurt, the hoplessness of it.. I have begged and pleaded at the time. They don't want to know. It only makes you look weaker in there eyes, I have tried.

 

Its a **** deal mate. But you have kids, you have to be there for them. Luckily, I myself don't have kids, which is some small mercy. Try to move on as best you can, I know its tough, but you have to be strong for kids.

 

If by some chance she decides to come back begging I want to come back, I made a mistake. Nothing else will do, don't make it too easy. She will have to do all the heavy lifting. That's presuming you would want her back?.

 

But if you need a chat about it. I think you can message me on here?.

[hurts1968]

Hurts1968. Sorry to read about your story. I have been going through this the last six months. Its pretty much exactly the same as I experienced with my wife. Suppose I was always the dominant one in the marriage as well. I didn't do it to be nasty or anything. She just rolled with it. One thing I learnt was, you cant compete with the OM. No matter what you try her head is in the fog. You cant bad mouth this guy, as she thinks he is gods gift. I know I have tried. The fact he has destroyed his own family to be with my wife, and she doesn't see anything wrong with it says a lot.

 

You cant reason with her, she wont care. She has traded you in, like my wife has done with me!. Its hard I know, I have been there, I have experienced all the hurt, the hoplessness of it.. I have begged and pleaded at the time. They don't want to know. It only makes you look weaker in there eyes, I have tried.

 

Its a **** deal mate. But you have kids, you have to be there for them. Luckily, I myself don't have kids, which is some small mercy. Try to move on as best you can, I know its tough, but you have to be strong for kids.

 

If by some chance she decides to come back begging I want to come back, I made a mistake. Nothing else will do, don't make it too easy. She will have to do all the heavy lifting. That's presuming you would want her back?.

 

But if you need a chat about it. I think you can message me on here?.

 

 

How do we private message on here?

[lolablue17]

Well, solicitor visit done...£200 lighter

 

Turns out my STBXW is claiming her costs against me too, amazing!!

 

Basically been told, what's the point in fighting it, will just cost you more money for the same outcome

 

Solicitor was good, said try and sort money, child and as much as possible between you both to keep the costs down, real sticking point is the house....

 

I don't think she can afford it even if I paid half the mortgage, can't buy me out as doesn't earn enough to take over the mortgage.

 

Anybody with any advice it would be much appreciated.

 

Well, my sister lives in the UK and she's now in the middle of a divorce process. Her husband is a real jerk and use's the british law against her.

 

Alimony - according to you're (foolish) UK law they have 3 children and for that he has to pay maximum 25% of his income, which he is allowed to reduce expenses as mush as he wants. (For example, He is allowed to buy an expensive table and claim that he wants to write his memories so he must have a new table, and he is allowed to reduce that money from the alimony).

 

If he prefers to be unemployed, (or in his case, earning money from the side without reporting it) listen to this: He almost doesn't have to pay alimony at all!! he is a free bird (only 70 pounds a month - WOW!)

 

The thing is that the wife gets a bigger part of the house. (only the part that has been paid until now). He is allowed to stop paying the mortgage. In my sister's case he stopped immediately because he expected her to not be able to pay the mortgage by herself and then she would be forced to sell the house. (Where will his children live? its not his problem, and the UK law support him with that)

 

But my sister managed to pay and now he cant force her to sell the house until their youngest son is over 18. So now he pays almost nothing for alimony, all according to the UK law. So, I think you're situation is not so bad.

 

I hope you will take care of your kids better than my sister's STBXH.

Edited March 12, 2014 by lolablue17