Yasuandio Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Don't tell your soon to be ex-wife anything about this, as it will just get used against you later when you are working on custody/access to your child. Be sure u do, they will give u something to take the edge off so you can think straight and sleep. Tell doc ALL symptoms, especially the anxiety and sleep issues. Those will run you down fast. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
teerockness Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Hurts1968- Right now, you need to focus on yourself. Focus on the little things that will help feed your mind and body. I know this is difficult but doing these things will center your thoughts and also lead you towards thoughts of a safer, better future. Here's the deal: * No drinking. Needless to say, no non-prescribed drugs. They are a trap that lead to nowhere. * Eat right. Make sure you're feeding yourself. I know your appetite is gone, but this is one thing that I think it is okay to use your credit card on if you're short on money. Make sure your blood sugar is where you need it to be. * Exercise. This doesn't necessarily mean the gym. It could mean long brisk walks, it could mean long runs, it could mean lifting weights. Get yourself so tired that you can't think straight. * Get in touch with friends and family. I know you mentioned they are spread about - give them a call. Let them know what is going on and let them help you. You'll be surprised; people will rally around you if they know you are hurting. Hang in there; I'm not going to lie - this is the tough part. It's going to take all of your inner strength but you will get past this. TR 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Thank you everybody for your words....it does help honest!! Not sure how to get through it, went to the doctors last night and was prescribed anti depressants...haven't let the STBXW know about it though. Hopefully they will help a little in getting me through this. teerockness, I haven't drunk since this happened 7 weeks ago, just don't want to especially now I am on tablets. trying to keep eating, up until this happened I used to run marathons but haven't been out since it happened, just can't manage it! Friends have been great, counselling has been great and this site and you guys have been fantastic, but even through everything that she has put me through I am absolutely and utterly in love with her...not sure how I process that and change it???? Want my little baby with me everyday...not just 3 days a week, she is my angel, my everything...what shall I do! Link to post Share on other sites
somegoodman Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Make sure you push for a divorce as soon as possible. Your wife is expecting you to resist having a divorce and if you seem like you want to have it done it will make her question herself. All of a sudden her fantasy will start to reveal itself as just that...a fantasy that acting on will have severe implications for the rest of her life. You have a tough time ahead of you but just know that there is nothing you could've done. She is a woman and she will do whatever she feels like no matter who it hurts. If it wasn't you she would've done it to someone else. From here on out never give her anything, treat her like a tumor and stay away from her as much as possible. You can recover from this stronger and more valuable. Her worth only depreciates as the years go by. I promise if you stay strong and do your best to improve your life she will regret her actions and you will be in the position to tell her to **** off when she comes running back. Also, never get married again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Make sure you push for a divorce as soon as possible. Your wife is expecting you to resist having a divorce and if you seem like you want to have it done it will make her question herself. All of a sudden her fantasy will start to reveal itself as just that...a fantasy that acting on will have severe implications for the rest of her life. You have a tough time ahead of you but just know that there is nothing you could've done. She is a woman and she will do whatever she feels like no matter who it hurts. If it wasn't you she would've done it to someone else. From here on out never give her anything, treat her like a tumor and stay away from her as much as possible. You can recover from this stronger and more valuable. Her worth only depreciates as the years go by. I promise if you stay strong and do your best to improve your life she will regret her actions and you will be in the position to tell her to **** off when she comes running back. Also, never get married again. Have no intentions of ever getting married again...twice bitten. Horrible first marriage, got married too early and we both regretted it. Thought I had found the love of my life, the real love of my life....how can she do this to me, with no talking, no chance to put right what I had done wrong....how can she do this to our little girl who we thought 8 years to have! can it really just be she's had her head turned. We are sitting down tonight to discuss our little one, living arrangements, divorce, money...we have been here before and she walks off if she doesn't here what she wants to hear! Literally wants me to walk away from the home, pay her child and spouse maintenance and put half the house in trust for our daughter and then continue to pay half the mortgage...I'm not that bloody rich. Does anyone in the UK have experience of Spousal maintenance? Link to post Share on other sites
somegoodman Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Have no intentions of ever getting married again...twice bitten. Horrible first marriage, got married too early and we both regretted it. Thought I had found the love of my life, the real love of my life....how can she do this to me, with no talking, no chance to put right what I had done wrong....how can she do this to our little girl who we thought 8 years to have! can it really just be she's had her head turned. We are sitting down tonight to discuss our little one, living arrangements, divorce, money...we have been here before and she walks off if she doesn't here what she wants to hear! Literally wants me to walk away from the home, pay her child and spouse maintenance and put half the house in trust for our daughter and then continue to pay half the mortgage...I'm not that bloody rich. Does anyone in the UK have experience of Spousal maintenance? I'm not from the UK but the divorce laws there can't be any worse than those in the US. I'm not sure what you mean by spousal maintenance, or why that would differ depending on your nationality? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 I'm not from the UK but the divorce laws there can't be any worse than those in the US. I'm not sure what you mean by spousal maintenance, or why that would differ depending on your nationality? It means not only do I have pay for my daughter (something I am more than happy to do) but because I earn significantly more than my wife I have to pay her money as she has grown accustomed to a certain level of living!!!! Bloody great that, she ends it, she has an affair and I have to keep her financially better off than I will be! Link to post Share on other sites
somegoodman Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 It means not only do I have pay for my daughter (something I am more than happy to do) but because I earn significantly more than my wife I have to pay her money as she has grown accustomed to a certain level of living!!!! Bloody great that, she ends it, she has an affair and I have to keep her financially better off than I will be! Yup, that's the way it crumbles here to. Welcome to the modern world, make sure you live selfishly and only for yourself and contribute as little as possible to this sick society. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Yup, that's the way it crumbles here to. Welcome to the modern world, make sure you live selfishly and only for yourself and contribute as little as possible to this sick society. In a way it actually benefits me if she buggers off with somebody else...i won't have to pay that bit but have to suffer the thought of my daughter with the man who has helped to split me away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 God I need help....sat at my desk holding back the tears....desperate for what I had! Link to post Share on other sites
GarrusVakarian Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 God I need help....sat at my desk holding back the tears....desperate for what I had! Hurts1968, been in exactly the same boat. Sat at desk at work wondering what the hell went on?. Trying not to burst into tears!. It was tough, really tough. Have you spoke to your boss/line manager to let them know what is going on at home. Any company should be sympathetic to it and likelihood is people there have experienced similar things. Your head isn't in the game. Although working may take your mind of things now and then, it is most likely always playing on your mind. I wish I could get back what I had!. I really miss the person who she was and what we had and built together. But they way I see it is now. That person doesn't exist anymore and she isn't coming back. Like a previous poster said, your dealing with the shell of the person that used to hold your wife!. I would really recommend speaking to your boss. You may get compassionate leave for a few days. Have you any family you can go and stay with?. Will the wife let you take your girl or will she stop that?. Obviously, I understand you wouldn't want to leave the house if she wont let you take the kid. But you need to get out of the house and away from her for a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 God I need help....sat at my desk holding back the tears....desperate for what I had! Wish me luck....trying to sit down to thrash things out again tonight....who knows how long she will sit and stay this time! Link to post Share on other sites
GarrusVakarian Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Wish me luck....trying to sit down to thrash things out again tonight....who knows how long she will sit and stay this time! Well Hurts1968, she has to sit down like an adult and discuss it!. She cant bury her head in the sand. But like I said have a word with your work. See if you can get some compassionate leave. Link to post Share on other sites
RuralGuy Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 But like I said have a word with your work. See if you can get some compassionate leave. Perhaps I am paranoid, but if I were a crying mess because of my wife, I wouldn't want my workplace to know about it. I'd like to keep m job, eh? "Are you ok?" "I seem to have caught the flu that is going around <cough hack cough>" Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Sorted things last night...sort of She is leaving, taking my daughter and going off to live with a man she has known for 6 weeks...6 weeks!!! and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it! Been awake all night, now sat at my desk at work in tears, don't think I am going to get through this, really worried about myself... I have suffered with depression for 20 years, was having counselling when this all started...when I split from my first wife 16 years ago i had a 10 year old son, I ended up having a breakdown due to not being with him, ended up in hospital for 2 weeks. Me and my first wife split because we grew apart, this time i am losing my wife and my daughter and I'm scared that I may follow the same course. please someone tell me it's going to be alright!!! I'm in a very dark place right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Hurts1968, been in exactly the same boat. Sat at desk at work wondering what the hell went on?. Trying not to burst into tears!. It was tough, really tough. Have you spoke to your boss/line manager to let them know what is going on at home. Any company should be sympathetic to it and likelihood is people there have experienced similar things. Your head isn't in the game. Although working may take your mind of things now and then, it is most likely always playing on your mind. I wish I could get back what I had!. I really miss the person who she was and what we had and built together. But they way I see it is now. That person doesn't exist anymore and she isn't coming back. Like a previous poster said, your dealing with the shell of the person that used to hold your wife!. I would really recommend speaking to your boss. You may get compassionate leave for a few days. Have you any family you can go and stay with?. Will the wife let you take your girl or will she stop that?. Obviously, I understand you wouldn't want to leave the house if she wont let you take the kid. But you need to get out of the house and away from her for a bit. GarrusVakarian, spoke to my boss when this first started, I was only 1 week into a new company as MD Designate and my boss is looking for me to take over the running of the company. She was very helpful as she had been through similar in the past but she needs someone to step up to the plate. i sat with her yesterday again after I found out about the OM and she again was great but i can see she is thinking what have I done and how long is this going to go on. I am going to my parent for the weekend with my little girl, when I am at home she is not really there now anyway, she is off with the OM. Can you believe she has known him 6 weeks, going to take my little girl and move in with him, they have already booked a holiday, she has met his parents, kids etc.... Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Can you believe she has known him 6 weeks, going to take my little girl and move in with him, they have already booked a holiday, she has met his parents, kids etc.... Sorry, mate. But your wife is trash. Nobody turns into someone completely different out of magic. She has been like this for her entire life. She was just concealing her character while you provided for the life she wanted during the times you were together. Now she wants a different kind of life. Probably a life of wild sex, travels around the world and other kind of futile stuff. It doesn't seem like the kind of life that you can or want to provide. You were married to a person who does not exist. She was performing a role, like a movie star. Now that movie has ended. Your marriage has created a daughter. And the child is independent from her mother. Move on with your life. Don't waste your life with a piece of trash like your wife. Your daughter will be your daughter for the rest of your life. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Sorted things last night...sort of She is leaving, taking my daughter and going off to live with a man she has known for 6 weeks...6 weeks!!! and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it! Been awake all night, now sat at my desk at work in tears, don't think I am going to get through this, really worried about myself... I have suffered with depression for 20 years, was having counselling when this all started...when I split from my first wife 16 years ago i had a 10 year old son, I ended up having a breakdown due to not being with him, ended up in hospital for 2 weeks. Me and my first wife split because we grew apart, this time i am losing my wife and my daughter and I'm scared that I may follow the same course. please someone tell me it's going to be alright!!! I'm in a very dark place right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Sorted things last night...sort of She is leaving, taking my daughter and going off to live with a man she has known for 6 weeks...6 weeks!!! and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it! Been awake all night, now sat at my desk at work in tears, don't think I am going to get through this, really worried about myself... I have suffered with depression for 20 years, was having counselling when this all started...when I split from my first wife 16 years ago i had a 10 year old son, I ended up having a breakdown due to not being with him, ended up in hospital for 2 weeks. Me and my first wife split because we grew apart, this time i am losing my wife and my daughter and I'm scared that I may follow the same course. please someone tell me it's going to be alright!!! I'm in a very dark place right now. Had to speak to the Samaritans today...just had to speak to somebody to try and get myself through the day!! I have asked the STBXW for a little support in looking after our daughter to enable me to get some support and sleep...the abuse I got, what a horrible person I am, I drove us to this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Got some counselling tonight, hoping that will help Link to post Share on other sites
VanillaLife Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Had to speak to the Samaritans today...just had to speak to somebody to try and get myself through the day!! I have asked the STBXW for a little support in looking after our daughter to enable me to get some support and sleep...the abuse I got, what a horrible person I am, I drove us to this! Try to be strong, focus on yourself and try to do something to improve yourself. I found out my wife of 14 years and mother of my two wonderful children is f**ing some other guy about two days ago now. I am taking the upper hand and trying to be strong. In my experience so far this site is excellent for information, but I find Experience Project better for emotional support. You might want to try that. That is no slight on this place which has been huge but this is where my online head is and my online heart pours out at EP And do not do anything foolish. Calling Samaritans is smart. Always do that if you feel that way. Remember there are millions of people worse of you and your daughter will be broken hearted if her father won't be there to see her in the future. You may have problems with her mother during childhood but remind yourself in 20 odd years she will be her own lady and likely very keen to have a relationship with her real father. Hang in and be strong Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Try to be strong, focus on yourself and try to do something to improve yourself. I found out my wife of 14 years and mother of my two wonderful children is f**ing some other guy about two days ago now. I am taking the upper hand and trying to be strong. In my experience so far this site is excellent for information, but I find Experience Project better for emotional support. You might want to try that. That is no slight on this place which has been huge but this is where my online head is and my online heart pours out at EP And do not do anything foolish. Calling Samaritans is smart. Always do that if you feel that way. Remember there are millions of people worse of you and your daughter will be broken hearted if her father won't be there to see her in the future. You may have problems with her mother during childhood but remind yourself in 20 odd years she will be her own lady and likely very keen to have a relationship with her real father. Hang in and be strong Thanks VanillaLife, I'm not going to do anything stupid...my little girl is my everything and I need to be here for her!! Thanks for the advice on the other site. What's happening with your kids? Are you getting to see them? 3 nights a week is just not enough for me, she's my angel! Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 hurts1968- my brother, you ARE going to get through this. I swear it. Look at this experience as some sort of purification by fire. You'll emerge from the other end a stronger, wiser man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 hurts1968- my brother, you ARE going to get through this. I swear it. Look at this experience as some sort of purification by fire. You'll emerge from the other end a stronger, wiser man. Don't feel like it, feel like I'm having a breakdown! Think it's the lack of sleep that is making things much worse, tablet tonight and hopefully that will help a little Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Anyone else feel like it's just a bad dream and you will wake up any minute. 7 weeks ago my life I thought was great, now it gone and another man is going to be living my life with my wife and my daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
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