worldgonewrong Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Don't feel like it, feel like I'm having a breakdown! It IS a breakdown. It's real pain. I lived it. Cried in the work bathroom every day for like a year, when we separated. Like, the falling-to-your-knees variety of crying. Waking up in the morning crying, going to sleep crying. I survived though and was re-born. You will, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 It IS a breakdown. It's real pain. I lived it. Cried in the work bathroom every day for like a year, when we separated. Like, the falling-to-your-knees variety of crying. Waking up in the morning crying, going to sleep crying. I survived though and was re-born. You will, too. Is it just time? How did you get through? Were kids involved? Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Is it just time? How did you get through? Were kids involved? It sounds cliche, but yes - time is a healer. Distance, too. You get through by sort of 'detoxing' from the other person. You get through by refamiliarizing yourself with things that really matter to you, things that you'd somehow forgotten OR never discovered before. You begin to build yourself back up and to a better state. Yep, 2 kids. (I've got a thread somewhere titled "Through the Separation Jungle" - it's the whole loooooong story.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 I have just spoken to my solicitor, apparently I have to give my permission for my daughter to be move out of the family home. Not sure I can afford to do work and have her in Child Care but its an option....really don't want her in the house of a man my STBXW has only known for 6 weeks Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I wouldn't let her go with your wife. Isn't your wife afraid of the effect on her daughter having a new man in a new home to replace her father. Your STBEW is a real piece of work. Do you have anyone to help you with your daughter? I think you should try to keep your daughter with you and let your wife visit her. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 You shouldn't have to pay child support if you keep your daughter. Make your wife pay child support to you and then you can afford day care. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) I have just spoken to my solicitor, apparently I have to give my permission for my daughter to be move out of the family home. Not sure I can afford to do work and have her in Child Care but its an option....really don't want her in the house of a man my STBXW has only known for 6 weeks Thoughts? Well, you can go back to the lawyer and tell him/her about this other dude your wife has a relationship with. Tell him/her that she plans to move her daughter in with a man she's only known for a little more than a month. You can ask for a restraining order be put out on him stating that he can't be around your kid until the divorce is finalized. Family courts can really give a damn about you or your wife. All they really care about is the welfare of the kids. And your lawyer can state that having this guy around your kid is too confusing to her and can be damaging. Judges would usually sign off on those because things are raw and the child needs time to adjust to this new set up. But, ONLY until the divorce is finalized. Edited March 19, 2014 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I have just spoken to my solicitor, apparently I have to give my permission for my daughter to be move out of the family home. Not sure I can afford to do work and have her in Child Care but its an option....really don't want her in the house of a man my STBXW has only known for 6 weeks Thoughts? That's really good to know. DO NOT LET HER STRONG ARM YOU INTO TAKING YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!! Look, I know you're sad and depressed right now. But, now's the time to get angry and FIGHT!!!! You need to fight for you and your daughter. If she wants to leave, fine! But, she's not dragging your daughter into this. That house you're staying in is her home. Have you exposed the affair yet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 That's really good to know. DO NOT LET HER STRONG ARM YOU INTO TAKING YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!! Look, I know you're sad and depressed right now. But, now's the time to get angry and FIGHT!!!! You need to fight for you and your daughter. If she wants to leave, fine! But, she's not dragging your daughter into this. That house you're staying in is her home. Have you exposed the affair yet? No, not yet...my wife doesn't even think she is having an affair...because she said she met him after she told me the marriage was over she doesn't class it as an affair. She has asked me not to tell people and then she in return will be reasonable about the house/money/maintenance etc. Link to post Share on other sites
somegoodman Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 No, not yet...my wife doesn't even think she is having an affair...because she said she met him after she told me the marriage was over she doesn't class it as an affair. She has asked me not to tell people and then she in return will be reasonable about the house/money/maintenance etc. She is playing you...you are allowing yourself to be manipulated and she isn't even that great of a manipulator! "No, not yet...my wife doesn't even think she is having an affair...because she said she met him after she told me the marriage was over she doesn't class it as an affair." What the ****! I mean seriously man...find your balls and tell this piece of **** that you call your wife to go die in a hole. Tell her to **** right off and you will do what ever you feel like. You should tell everyone about the affair! Make the world aware of who this person is so she can't damage their lives as well. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 No, not yet...my wife doesn't even think she is having an affair...because she said she met him after she told me the marriage was over she doesn't class it as an affair. She has asked me not to tell people and then she in return will be reasonable about the house/money/maintenance etc. She's lying. She was most certainly having an affair behind your back. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 No, not yet...my wife doesn't even think she is having an affair...because she said she met him after she told me the marriage was over she doesn't class it as an affair. She has asked me not to tell people and then she in return will be reasonable about the house/money/maintenance etc. She doesn't believe she's having an affair, yet she's going to move in with him and try to bring your daughter. She's not having an affair and yet, she doesn't want you telling anyone about it. (remember what I wrote about roaches and the dark?) She's blackmailing you NOT to tell anyone and then she'll continue to be reasonable about the bills and the house....uh huh... yeah.... Dude, expose! That's a deal she can't keep! You can take her to court and they can MAKE her pay for her share of her RESPONSIBILITIES! Even if she gets pissed off and leaves, she still has a responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 "my wife doesn't even think she is having an affair...because she said she met him after she told me the marriage was over she doesn't class it as an affair." Is it just me that can sit back and chuckle at this statement? Classic! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 "my wife doesn't even think she is having an affair...because she said she met him after she told me the marriage was over she doesn't class it as an affair." Is it just me that can sit back and chuckle at this statement? Classic! Wish I had the energy to laugh...spoke to her last night about my concerns with my daughter moving into the house of man she has known for 6 weeks...she hit the roof, threatened me with all sorts financial etc I am now at a point where I might go for custody...she can go off with her new bloke if that's what she wants...leave me and my daughter alone getting mad now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 Wish I had the energy to laugh...spoke to her last night about my concerns with my daughter moving into the house of man she has known for 6 weeks...she hit the roof, threatened me with all sorts financial etc I am now at a point where I might go for custody...she can go off with her new bloke if that's what she wants...leave me and my daughter alone getting mad now! Wants to take my daughter away in 4 weeks, really feel like packing our bags and disappearing, leave her with her new bloke, that's where her bloody priorities lie anyway! What shall I do? Need help!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 Don't feel well....not well at all, this is having a terrible affect on my health...Can't stop shaking STBXW moving out on the 18th April.. Link to post Share on other sites
GarrusVakarian Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Don't feel well....not well at all, this is having a terrible affect on my health...Can't stop shaking STBXW moving out on the 18th April.. Know how you felt. I am guessing, sleepless nights, panic attacks, chest pains and not eating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 Know how you felt. I am guessing, sleepless nights, panic attacks, chest pains and not eating. All those and much more....as you know I have had depression for many years, not coping with this at all! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 Been away for a few weeks...trying to let the dust settle on things and get my head around what is happening. STBXW still in the process of moving in with her new bloke, she has started to move my daughter to a new nursery in the village where she will be living. Really can't stand the thought of my daughter sharing a house with this man, don't want my little 3 year old angel anywhere near when she is getting undressed, having a bath etc...makes my skin crawl. Looks like we have sorted access, money and house etc, she continues to be horrible but can't turn my feelings off for her...hate feelings! Any of you guys out there had experience of their little daughter moving out and stopping with another man? love to hear how you coped, what you did, did you speak or lay down some ground rules? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 I have to run out, but I read the whole thread (missed it before) and wanted to respond until a little later today. It is a horrible, horrible time to go through and so many of us have been there. I spent time reading some other threads when I came. Worldgonewrong is right - read his. You will see how you will progress. I can remember asking God to please, please, just let me feel a tiny bit better - let me get through the day. I cried for months after I left my XH. I thought I would never feel better. Trust us, you will. Talk to your friends, family and stay as busy as you can. You will feel better. Really, you will. Spend as much time as you can with your daughter, stay busy and physically active. Cry all you need to - it is cathartic and this is all a process. I have to go, but I wanted to tell you that honestly, you will feel better, even if it feels as if you never will. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 OK, Hurts, I am back and I wanted to add a couple of things. When I went through my divorce, it was absolutely devastating to me. Infidelity leaves us reeling and questioning everything about ourselves. We are so quick to blame ourselves. I absolutely had my own issues that contributed to the demise of our marriage, and while it took me a while, I finally also believed that his actions and decision to cheat on me was totally on him. He has to live with that and trust me, he has not had an easy road. Your wife seems happy now, but don't be surprised if that does not last and also do not be surprised if she comes back asking for another chance. Be prepared I NEVER thought that would happen with my prideful XH, but I was wrong. I was not willing to do that and as time passes, your desire to be with her will diminish. I also went to a divorce support group. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I did that. It let me know that there are people out there who go through what we do and worse, much worse, and come out on the other side happy. I did not drink to sleep (actually did not drink at all); I did use some over the counter sleep medicine for a while. I walked the dogs a lot. Exercise helps; it really does. I went everywhere friends asked me go. I even went to Dr. appointments with a friend just to get out. I did not date. My brother called me every day for months and so did my niece and a sister in law. I talked to them and cried my heart out - cried a river, Hurts. It helped me get it out. I walked right through the pain, and I am being sincere here. You will not get over it if you do not. You will feel better. You will. It is hard to imagine that now, but you will. Come on here and read the stories of how people get better and ask for help from posters when you need it. There are some long term posters on here who have a lot of knowledge and experience and they will help you gain perspective. {{HUGS}} to you. Big ones. Feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts1968 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 OK, Hurts, I am back and I wanted to add a couple of things. When I went through my divorce, it was absolutely devastating to me. Infidelity leaves us reeling and questioning everything about ourselves. We are so quick to blame ourselves. I absolutely had my own issues that contributed to the demise of our marriage, and while it took me a while, I finally also believed that his actions and decision to cheat on me was totally on him. He has to live with that and trust me, he has not had an easy road. Your wife seems happy now, but don't be surprised if that does not last and also do not be surprised if she comes back asking for another chance. Be prepared I NEVER thought that would happen with my prideful XH, but I was wrong. I was not willing to do that and as time passes, your desire to be with her will diminish. I also went to a divorce support group. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I did that. It let me know that there are people out there who go through what we do and worse, much worse, and come out on the other side happy. I did not drink to sleep (actually did not drink at all); I did use some over the counter sleep medicine for a while. I walked the dogs a lot. Exercise helps; it really does. I went everywhere friends asked me go. I even went to Dr. appointments with a friend just to get out. I did not date. My brother called me every day for months and so did my niece and a sister in law. I talked to them and cried my heart out - cried a river, Hurts. It helped me get it out. I walked right through the pain, and I am being sincere here. You will not get over it if you do not. You will feel better. You will. It is hard to imagine that now, but you will. Come on here and read the stories of how people get better and ask for help from posters when you need it. There are some long term posters on here who have a lot of knowledge and experience and they will help you gain perspective. {{HUGS}} to you. Big ones. Feel better. Hi Steen719, Thanks for your kind words I know at some point I will start to feel better, my mind just doesn't believe that yet! Think a lot of it is the shock, I just never saw it coming at all, and right now even though my STBXW is living with someone else the majority of the week, blamed me for everything even though it turns out she was just covering an affair I still feel exactly the same about her and would have her back in a heartbeat! I am the same as you, I have called my Mum on the way to and from work for the last 9 weeks. 40 mins a time!! I text all my friends all the time....just to get some conversations going so I don't feel so lonely. I didn't drink at all for the first 7-8 weeks, found myself having a drink lately, don't think it will continue as I'm not a drinker and don't think it's doing me any good! Won't be dating for a long time...although I'm not a person who really wants to be on their own. How do I cope with my little girl being near another man...in any other circumstance this would be allowed to happen, why is it ok for another man to be near my daughter!! Link to post Share on other sites
GarrusVakarian Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Hi Hurts. Wondered what happened to you lately as you had gone a bit quiet!. It definitely takes a long while to sink in, still shocks me sometimes still almost seven months later. As everyone says, try to keep yourself busy. I have been keeping myself busy with friends and family. It does help!. Know what you mean about not wanting to be on own!. Stuck in a three bedroom house on my own, tend to go a bit crazy if I am stuck in!. As to your wife, your hopes of getting back with her will eventually subside, as one poster said. She may well try and come back at some point. At the moment her head is in the affair fog. Fog or no excuse though its no excuse for her actions. Have a read of this link, might explain it a bit more. Covers my situation exactly. If my wife tried to come back now. I'd tell her where to go!. http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/07/10/coping-with-infidelity-understanding-the-wayward-fog/ Keep strong Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Hope those few weeks gave you some rest and opened up new perspectives. Make it a habit to get a little break/vacation every now and then. It's also good to know that you keep in touch with others through out this. Your daughter has to travel this path, and it's inevitable that there are certain elements that you can't completely control e.g. the new man. So it's very important for you to step up and be the best example for her, she'll absorbs it all like a sponge. Always maintain an honest communication with her from now, it will be valuable as she grows up. Infuse the values of responsibility, maturity, righteousness and compassionate little by little in your interaction with her, while at the same time indulge her and cherish her childhood. Keep on reading and discussing about parenting. There's always new thing that we can improve/learn. Don't worry and contemplate about the feeling too much. It's all memories. Treasure and embrace both the happy and the pain. I also really like that you are talking with your mother regularly. Truly a mother is the person that we should love most in our life. Wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Hi Steen719, Thanks for your kind words I know at some point I will start to feel better, my mind just doesn't believe that yet! Think a lot of it is the shock, I just never saw it coming at all, and right now even though my STBXW is living with someone else the majority of the week, blamed me for everything even though it turns out she was just covering an affair I still feel exactly the same about her and would have her back in a heartbeat! I am the same as you, I have called my Mum on the way to and from work for the last 9 weeks. 40 mins a time!! I text all my friends all the time....just to get some conversations going so I don't feel so lonely. I didn't drink at all for the first 7-8 weeks, found myself having a drink lately, don't think it will continue as I'm not a drinker and don't think it's doing me any good! Won't be dating for a long time...although I'm not a person who really wants to be on their own. How do I cope with my little girl being near another man...in any other circumstance this would be allowed to happen, why is it ok for another man to be near my daughter!! you are going through the wringer being squeezed this way and that folded over, then go through it again then hung out left to dry but it`s raining so all you will end up doing is rot? hurts WHY would you `take her back in a heartbeat????` and your last question really bothers me aM Link to post Share on other sites
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