My Story - End of my marriage

[hurts1968]

You have to keep yourself occupied!. Thing is his wife told me yesterday, I was angry about it at first. Now its a case of mehhh, whatever. I know its not going to last, I know it will all come crashing down. I am just going to sit back and enjoy the show.

 

But I am really pissed off with her parents, they basically condoned her behaviour. Made excuses for her. But she is stuck at her mums now, best place for her. Her dad the other week making excuses to the other woman, she said my wife has destroyed her family. He says its her life, she can do what she wants!.

 

 

 

I'm trying to keep occupied...its the sleep that killing me, had some sleepers of the doc's but run out and won't give me anymore...slept till 2.30am last night and then laid awake till 6

[hurts1968]

This might sound a bit harsh but grow a spine and fight for your daughter!

 

Like someone else said you can fight for custody of her then get child support payments from the ex to pay for childcare when you're at work. She walked out on the family and had the affair, why should she get to take her and you settle for weekends?

 

You're not afraid of upsetting her in the hope that it would make her come back to you one day are you?

 

Also I don't know why you're surprised her family took her side, blood is thicker than water even when our loved ones are in the wrong.

 

 

There is some of the not rocking the boat, I have come out of it well financially but that could change, I am getting quality time with my daughter...it's better to have her all weekend than seeing her for a few hours when she is tired at the end of each day and I have managed to keep the house which is great!

 

As i have said previously, I guess it's time now..got an empty house and don't know what to do with myself...not sleeping which doesn't help!!

[GarrusVakarian]

This might sound a bit harsh but grow a spine and fight for your daughter!

 

Like someone else said you can fight for custody of her then get child support payments from the ex to pay for childcare when you're at work. She walked out on the family and had the affair, why should she get to take her and you settle for weekends?

 

You're not afraid of upsetting her in the hope that it would make her come back to you one day are you?

 

Also I don't know why you're surprised her family took her side, blood is thicker than water even when our loved ones are in the wrong.

 

Sorry mate, I really don't think its that easy!. The courts in the UK don't give two ****s who did what. Only that they will always favour the mother. Even if she cheated walked away and caused the marital break up. I had a very good friend who went through a similar thing. He was the betrayed spouse, he tried to get custody of the kids. Got told no chance, even though the children's mother was always on the booze and getting up to all sorts. He had to leave the family home, has the kids 2 days a week and has to pay child support as well as finding a home for himself.

[hurts1968]

Sorry mate, I really don't think its that easy!. The courts in the UK don't give two ****s who did what. Only that they will always favour the mother. Even if she cheated walked away and caused the marital break up. I had a very good friend who went through a similar thing. He was the betrayed spouse, he tried to get custody of the kids. Got told no chance, even though the children's mother was always on the booze and getting up to all sorts. He had to leave the family home, has the kids 2 days a week and has to pay child support as well as finding a home for himself.

 

 

 

Exactly what my solicitor said...doesn't matter who did what and with who, the outcome is the same!

 

Unless I could prove that she is a totally unfit mother (which she isn't) then there is nothing I can do.

 

As I said previously, I am getting the quality time with my daughter, she isn't, I am having her every weekend, we go and have fun....if it was the other way round I would be getting in from work at 6pm..daughter would go to bed at 7 and I would be dropping her off at 6am and my ex would have gher at the weekends....Despite wanting to see her all the time which is now impossible I have the best of the deal!

[GarrusVakarian]

Exactly what my solicitor said...doesn't matter who did what and with who, the outcome is the same!

 

Unless I could prove that she is a totally unfit mother (which she isn't) then there is nothing I can do.

 

As I said previously, I am getting the quality time with my daughter, she isn't, I am having her every weekend, we go and have fun....if it was the other way round I would be getting in from work at 6pm..daughter would go to bed at 7 and I would be dropping her off at 6am and my ex would have gher at the weekends....Despite wanting to see her all the time which is now impossible I have the best of the deal!

 

If you feel you have the better end of the stick. Roll with it!. It goes without saying its not what you wanted. But have to make the most of a bad situation and I am sure you are!.

[hurts1968]

If you feel you have the better end of the stick. Roll with it!. It goes without saying its not what you wanted. But have to make the most of a bad situation and I am sure you are!.

 

 

Got the best of a bad job, although nothing is in writing as she won't go down that road so it could change if she wants it too!

 

Hopefully going to finish sorting my mortgage today, once that's done i'll sleep easier.

 

Not finding the empty house easy, don't really know what to do with myself!

[GarrusVakarian]

Got the best of a bad job, although nothing is in writing as she won't go down that road so it could change if she wants it too!

 

Hopefully going to finish sorting my mortgage today, once that's done i'll sleep easier.

 

Not finding the empty house easy, don't really know what to do with myself!

 

Good luck on the mortgage, I am trying to transfer mine now. Nightmare after nightmare. Nothing is ever easy anymore.

 

With the house thing. I find it easier if I get out as much as I can. But don't think I can call it home until mortgage is in my name as I can do what I want then.

[hurts1968]

Good luck on the mortgage, I am trying to transfer mine now. Nightmare after nightmare. Nothing is ever easy anymore.

 

With the house thing. I find it easier if I get out as much as I can. But don't think I can call it home until mortgage is in my name as I can do what I want then.

 

 

 

I'm with the Halifax, said it was dead easy...£300 and that's for everything, valuation, change of deeds etc

 

Need to get sleep now, that's my issue!

[GarrusVakarian]

I'm with the Halifax, said it was dead easy...£300 and that's for everything, valuation, change of deeds etc

 

Need to get sleep now, that's my issue!

 

4 hours it going to take to get through an appointment!.

 

I would recommend trying to get them Nytol tablets. Not the herbal ones, waste of money. Over the counter job. They do work. Failing that go to your GP and get sleeping pills.

[hurts1968]

4 hours it going to take to get through an appointment!.

 

I would recommend trying to get them Nytol tablets. Not the herbal ones, waste of money. Over the counter job. They do work. Failing that go to your GP and get sleeping pills.

 

 

 

 

I have had sleeping pills from the GP, won't give me anymore as they are addictive, I will call in at the chemist today and try the Nytol

 

I guess that the being alone in the house is just something that takes time, I'm very unsettled by it, feels uneasy.

 

Looking forward to having my daughter at the weekend though...

[GarrusVakarian]

I have had sleeping pills from the GP, won't give me anymore as they are addictive, I will call in at the chemist today and try the Nytol

 

I guess that the being alone in the house is just something that takes time, I'm very unsettled by it, feels uneasy.

 

Looking forward to having my daughter at the weekend though...

 

I still find it hard, especially on the weekends. Easter weekend wasn't nice. But I guess when mortgage all sorted and its mine. It wont be so hard as I will be able to re-decorate to my own tastes.

 

You missus will realise the error of her ways and hopefully your have met someone else and your wife will be on the outside looking in, living in regret.

[hurts1968]

I still find it hard, especially on the weekends. Easter weekend wasn't nice. But I guess when mortgage all sorted and its mine. It wont be so hard as I will be able to re-decorate to my own tastes.

 

You missus will realise the error of her ways and hopefully your have met someone else and your wife will be on the outside looking in, living in regret.

 

 

 

I was lucky Easter weekend, had my daughter and also my parents were visiting!

 

Plus vast majority of weekends I will be having my daughter, it's the morning and evenings...trying to fill my time with family and friends but they have their own lives too!

 

 

I'm looking forward to re-decorating, if I can afford it!

 

Want to start running again, just trying to gain the motivation to do it!

[GarrusVakarian]

I was lucky Easter weekend, had my daughter and also my parents were visiting!

 

Plus vast majority of weekends I will be having my daughter, it's the morning and evenings...trying to fill my time with family and friends but they have their own lives too!

 

 

I'm looking forward to re-decorating, if I can afford it!

 

Want to start running again, just trying to gain the motivation to do it!

 

A lot of things I like doing like gym etc are all on hold till house sorted. Financially I need to see where I am at once its all done. Re-decorating doesn't have to cost a fortune. One possibility for you to consider, which I will be doing is. Get a lodger, if you have any friends that may need some where. Just some extra cash, they can pay a big chunk of your mortgage or you can save some cash up to do things with daughter etc.

[hurts1968]

A lot of things I like doing like gym etc are all on hold till house sorted. Financially I need to see where I am at once its all done. Re-decorating doesn't have to cost a fortune. One possibility for you to consider, which I will be doing is. Get a lodger, if you have any friends that may need some where. Just some extra cash, they can pay a big chunk of your mortgage or you can save some cash up to do things with daughter etc.

 

 

 

You're not the first person to mention a lodger, guess it depends on who it is!

 

Try running, doesn't cost anything really, to try and get me motivated I have applied for the London Marathon in 2015...did it in 2011 and 2013.

[hurts1968]

Well, got through the first week of an empty house without my STBXW and my baby girl!

 

Looking forward to picking my angel up in a few hours, 2 days a week is just not enough though, she's my everything and I need her with me 7 days a week even though I know it's not doable.

 

Feel very alone and very empty at the moment....don't know what life has in store, and I'm having to really hold myself back from contacting my STBXW and begging for her to come back...miss her so much even after everything she has done and put me through!

 

This hurts too much at times!

[GarrusVakarian]

Well, got through the first week of an empty house without my STBXW and my baby girl!

 

Looking forward to picking my angel up in a few hours, 2 days a week is just not enough though, she's my everything and I need her with me 7 days a week even though I know it's not doable.

 

Feel very alone and very empty at the moment....don't know what life has in store, and I'm having to really hold myself back from contacting my STBXW and begging for her to come back...miss her so much even after everything she has done and put me through!

 

This hurts too much at times!

 

Enjoy the time with your daughter!. Don't let her ruin that. You will find it tough at times. I did find being in the house hard. Still feels unsettling at times and it will do. I have my ex coming tomorrow to get the rest of her stuff. I cant wait for it to be all gone. I am looking forwards to life now. You will too eventually, it just takes time. If I and so many others came through it so will you. Seems hard at the moment but you will. Have strength for the daughter.

 

With regards to the wife, DO NOT BEG HER TO COME BACK. You wont get her to come back. She has gone, if she wants to come back that will be on her to BEG, NOT YOU!. DONT DO ANY BEGGING, IT WONT WORK. Her head is in the fog. As hard as it is to hear you have been traded down. You will trade up. Let her go, do you think she cares?. If she did she wouldn't of put you through this. I know you miss her, but do you think she misses you?. As we have spoken she is in the affair fog, anything you say will not make any difference.

 

Do what I did, since it being confirmed they are together, I have wished her well, wished her the best for the future and I am really happy she got what she wanted. I know it wont last. As you know you wife wont last with him. Reality will start to set in and it will dawn on her. Hopefully you will have moved on, met someone else. She will realise the massive **** up she made and it will be too late!.

 

Get on with your own life, I know its hard to keep hearing but that's all you can do for your daughters sake. Don't let your ex win. Let her live out her fantasy. I personally give it less then 6 months.

[hurts1968]

Enjoy the time with your daughter!. Don't let her ruin that. You will find it tough at times. I did find being in the house hard. Still feels unsettling at times and it will do. I have my ex coming tomorrow to get the rest of her stuff. I cant wait for it to be all gone. I am looking forwards to life now. You will too eventually, it just takes time. If I and so many others came through it so will you. Seems hard at the moment but you will. Have strength for the daughter.

 

With regards to the wife, DO NOT BEG HER TO COME BACK. You wont get her to come back. She has gone, if she wants to come back that will be on her to BEG, NOT YOU!. DONT DO ANY BEGGING, IT WONT WORK. Her head is in the fog. As hard as it is to hear you have been traded down. You will trade up. Let her go, do you think she cares?. If she did she wouldn't of put you through this. I know you miss her, but do you think she misses you?. As we have spoken she is in the affair fog, anything you say will not make any difference.

 

Do what I did, since it being confirmed they are together, I have wished her well, wished her the best for the future and I am really happy she got what she wanted. I know it wont last. As you know you wife wont last with him. Reality will start to set in and it will dawn on her. Hopefully you will have moved on, met someone else. She will realise the massive **** up she made and it will be too late!.

 

Get on with your own life, I know its hard to keep hearing but that's all you can do for your daughters sake. Don't let your ex win. Let her live out her fantasy. I personally give it less then 6 months.

 

 

 

 

I won't beg....but it's really hard not too!!

 

She won't ruin my time with my daughter, she's way too important for me to allow that to happen!

 

Not enjoying been on my own, I'm just not a being on my own kind of person.

 

It is very unsettling! Very strange and during the week very quiet!

[karnak]

 

Not enjoying been on my own, I'm just not a being on my own kind of person.

 

It is very unsettling! Very strange and during the week very quiet!

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is the root of all your problems.

 

You can't really live with yourself and make yourself happy, so you depend on others to give you that happiness which you can't give to yourself. Sorry, mate, but that will only give you a lifetime of disappointments.

 

You have to be strong and find it within yourself to manage to live in peace in your own company.

[Beechy1973]

Hurt - it's highly likely things won't work out between your ex and new man. Big difference between romantic weekend and living together with all the boring toil of washing his socks and undies and putting up with moods and foibles. Their sex will start to seriously wane and she will likely think WTF have I done!

 

When that happens she may reconsider you as an option, but this is likely to be her reaching out for you as a security blanket rather than anything genuine and sincere. SHOULD that happen, please don't make it easy for her and be all gushing and accommodating. I know you love her but should that happen she will want you to be strong, cool and with demonstrate robust boundaries. This will show her that you respect yourself . She will know she has done wrong but will lose even more respect for you if you are weak and will likely be off again with the next man who is vaguely interesting, shows her affection and a possible escape.

 

You HAVE to put your emotions to one side and think with your head no matter how tempting it is to gush.

 

Even better, should she ask to come back, tell her no you need space, and suggest you go out together once a week and see how it goes.

 

Even though all this makes perfect sense, if she does show you any interest in the future, you will gush, make it too easy for her and lose her. I'm not criticising - some things you can predict (I've made all these mistakes).

 

Better still see her for the unreasonable narcissistic person she is and stay well clear! No one on your thread has mentioned the 180 approach; it's worth looking up and is probaby the best thing I've done for my own sanity and peace.

 

Another poster also pointed or yor comment about you needing her for you to find happiness. This isn't how it should work. You have to find happiness in yourself, otherwise you're just a parasitic leech who needs people desperately rather than have anything to offer. I really don't mean offence by that, but it's true.

 

Good luck. Things do get easier but it's like a roller coaster for a long time yet. Best advice I ever got is "be kind to yourself"

[FredJones80]

Even though all this makes perfect sense, if she does show you any interest in the future, you will gush, make it too easy for her and lose her. I'm not criticising - some things you can predict (I've made all these mistakes).

 

omg beechy, you speak so much truth but its so annoying.

 

I am of the mindset of..

 

Me : "I love you"

Her : "I love you too"

Me : "Can we make this work"

Her : "Yes"

 

Ok, lets get on... why do all these games have to be played? and if these games are needed, is it really true love?

[Beechy1973]

Jones - don't forget that old cliche 'the path of true love ne'er does run smooth'!!! Look up the 180 approach. It may not be suitable for everyone, and only parts of it then, but it does seem to suggest that when one partner works too hard at making amends the other will withdraw so any efforts you make need to be carefully considered.

 

At the end of the day, women (and some men of course) will pay all sorts of lip service. It really is actions that matter and not words. It's taken me three years to appreciate that and I still have my wobbly moments. There's a big difference between knowing something (cognition) and feeling and doing it. The times when you feel the weakest are the times when you have to be strongest. Even if that means acting strong, that's what we have to do.

[hurts1968]

Hi guys,

 

thanks for all your messages, they really help.

 

Had a lovely weekend with my daughter, right up to dropping her off at 11am on Sunday.

 

As soon as I got back home the cloud descended, tried to keep busy in the garden and with work but ended up sitting there in tears!

 

Miss my wife....I know after everything sh has done I should be hating her guts and wanting nothing more to do with her but I guess 14 years don't disappear that quick, for me anyway!

 

But I miss my daughter more...breaking my heart not seeing her every day...not seeing her smiling face in a morning or putting her to bed at night.

 

Not seeing her now till Wednesday for tea...and then Friday, it's just not enough but it's out of my hands!

 

Really do hope that time helps

[GarrusVakarian]

Hi guys,

 

thanks for all your messages, they really help.

 

Had a lovely weekend with my daughter, right up to dropping her off at 11am on Sunday.

 

As soon as I got back home the cloud descended, tried to keep busy in the garden and with work but ended up sitting there in tears!

 

Miss my wife....I know after everything sh has done I should be hating her guts and wanting nothing more to do with her but I guess 14 years don't disappear that quick, for me anyway!

 

But I miss my daughter more...breaking my heart not seeing her every day...not seeing her smiling face in a morning or putting her to bed at night.

 

Not seeing her now till Wednesday for tea...and then Friday, it's just not enough but it's out of my hands!

 

Really do hope that time helps

 

Time will help mate, trust me it did for me. She finally cleared out the rest of the stuff from our house on the weekend. I am actually relieved now and glad its all gone. I didn't see her, but I have no need to see her anymore. I have given her all the stuff from the wedding, photos the lot I want none of it anymore. Don't want it in the house, don't care for the reminders anymore.

 

Give it time mate it will get easier. When the OM's wife told me that they was together Tuesday had been for months. I was really angry, but now I feel totally liberated by it. I am looking forwards to the future and what it may bring. I even went out on date Saturday!. Will see what happens, but she is poles apart from the ex. Remember, your wife traded down. You will trade up.

 

But it will get easier mate. I have come through the other side, I was in a ****ty place for months. You can too.

 

Keep yourself busy, and cherish the time you have with daughter. Let the wife get on with it. She will realise eventually, the grass isn't always greener.

[hurts1968]

Time will help mate, trust me it did for me. She finally cleared out the rest of the stuff from our house on the weekend. I am actually relieved now and glad its all gone. I didn't see her, but I have no need to see her anymore. I have given her all the stuff from the wedding, photos the lot I want none of it anymore. Don't want it in the house, don't care for the reminders anymore.

 

Give it time mate it will get easier. When the OM's wife told me that they was together Tuesday had been for months. I was really angry, but now I feel totally liberated by it. I am looking forwards to the future and what it may bring. I even went out on date Saturday!. Will see what happens, but she is poles apart from the ex. Remember, your wife traded down. You will trade up.

 

But it will get easier mate. I have come through the other side, I was in a ****ty place for months. You can too.

 

Keep yourself busy, and cherish the time you have with daughter. Let the wife get on with it. She will realise eventually, the grass isn't always greener.

 

 

 

Hi,

I know time will help...just don't see it right now, but I guess you are living proof.

Glad she's all gone out of your life...with having a daughter I will never get to that point!

Glad the date went well....think I'm a bit away from that right now but look forward to being in a place where I could start seeing other people.

Ex has been back to me today already trying to change the rules, wants me not to see my daughter for tea on a Wednesday as she thinks it will be too unsettling for her...unsettling, she has moved her from her home to strange man's house!!

 

Although I still love her, still want her and would probably take her back in an instant she is starting to really piss me off.

[jackieblack07]

I think you both have given a lot since 15 yrs but there was no reason for her to suddenly leave you without considering the marriage, though she had made her mind about you its better for you to move and plan something that would help your daughter to have a nicer future. Try going out and meeting some friends and family speak out to them may be that would help you reduce the stress and depression at this time.