Preparing to give up

[fizzylifting]

Currently going through counseling with my wife and while I desperately want to save our marriage, I am starting to think that she has already made up her mind not to work on the relationship and that I should just prepare for divorce.

 

We have been married just over 10 years and have two kids 5 and 7. During the past 10 years we did have some on and off times. It was difficult finding time for date nights and having a healthy sex life, but my understanding is that is normal for parents of young children. We also went through some financial struggles, we both have professional careers, although there was a period where she was laid off and out of work for about a year. Eventually things got better and we had more time and energy to put into our relationship and things seemed good again. That was until about 2 years ago when her libido just seemed to disappear. She told me that she had decided she did not want to have anymore children and because of that she was just not interested in having sex anymore. I suggested counseling at that time, although she straight out said that she would not go since it wasn't her problem. After a couple of months and a few long talks she agreed that she could have sex with me once every couple of weeks. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I was happy enough and I tried my best to make it as enjoyable as possible for her.

 

I thought things were going well until last year she just woke up one morning and apparently decided she just didn't want to be married anymore. She started sleeping in a spare room we have. When I asked her why, she just said that she hadn't been sleeping well and wanted to sleep by herself. After a couple of weeks I asked her again and she said she doesn't like sleeping with me anymore. From then on she always had some excuse not to talk about it. I thought maybe it was a phase that she was going through and let her have her space. I invited her on dates and attempted to initiate things, at first she always had an excuse but then just started straight out refusing. She started making it very difficult to talk, she would say things like "I am so mad that I can't talk to you right now." and she knew that I did not want to argue in front of the kids and would use them to guard her, even having them sleep with her every night. I was finally able to confront her a couple of times with a very simple question "Are you happy with how things are?" and after she answered no I said "I would like to try to resolve things, would you talk to a counselor with me?" to which she finally agreed. We have only had two sessions, although she is hardly participating. I am doing most of the talking and she hasn't even stated a reason as to why she has lost interest in our marriage. I brought up our past financial and sex life issues with the counselor and that is what we are working off of right now.

 

Of course my mind has been wandering all over the place trying to figure out what has led us to this place. I understand that people can change and perhaps the things that made her happy in the past just do not make her happy anymore. Maybe she really has just realized that since I've given her a few happy years and 2 children that its time to move on. I have considered that maybe she has found someone else, although I do not think that is likely. She has kept the same home/work schedule this whole time and unless she is having an affair during work hours then I don't see how she could do it. I'm not saying its not possible, just doesn't seem likely. Actually I don't think I would be that upset to find out it is an affair, at this point I just want to know. What I have sort of worked out is that she is suffering from depression maybe caused by a hormone issue. She had a 3 yr birth control implant that would have expired shortly before she "walked out" last year. I do not think she has had it removed/replaced. Also, and sorry if this is going into the TMI area, but she is using pads every day and they almost always have red spots on them. I know, I'm probably just grasping at straws at this point.

 

Thank you to anyone who has read this far. I wrote a lot more than I intended to, I guess I'm sort of venting a bit as well. I had only been telling a couple of really good friends about what has been going on up to now. Tomorrow I am going to talk to a couple of family members and start asking if anyone knows a good lawyer. While I'm still wanting to stick out the counseling for a couple of months at least, I also want to educate and prepare myself for possible divorce. I do not anticipate issues with splitting finances, but there will most likely be a custody battle of some sort.

[dumped2013]

The implant and the daily pads might be a clue. My exw would have a 6 week period. I think it was pre menopause. After 20 years together and 16 years married she out of the blue told me she doesn't want to be married anymore. She totally changed. I honestly don't really know who she is anymore.

[fizzylifting]

Dumped - Thanks for the reply. I just read up on perimenopause and I had no idea the symptoms were so severe. As I said, I had a feeling it was a mood / hormonal thing, and since she just turned 41, this probably fits the bill.

 

Menstrual irregularities - CHECK

Sleep problems - CHECK

Mood Swings - CHECK

Vaginal dryness - CHECK

Decreased libido - CHECK

Fatigue - CHECK

 

However, what I have read so far is that you just need to accommodate and deal with the symptoms, which I think will be very difficult considering her mood changes have basically shut down her willingness to work on our relationship. After having our relationship basically shut down for a year, I am just worn out.

 

I will try to bring this up in our next MC session. As a person who tries to be PC about things, I'm not sure how I'm going to sit in a room with two women and suggest that all my problems are caused by "womens issues", but I think it would probably be self-defeating not to bring it up. My wife doesn't like doctors and probably hasn't been to one in 3-4 years, so I don't expect her to seek any type of diagnosis or treatment, but hopefully just the suggestion of perimenopause will cause some self-reflection.

[dumped2013]

My ex was 46. She got tits installed several years ago. Started working out. Lost weight. Started wearing skinny jeans and some of the other outfits the younger chicks wear. Then started going to Italy for 2 weeks every year. My problem was her telling me her mother was going with her. I found out year 3 that she had never taking her mother. She has probably been banging some guy over there.

 

She just went crazy.

[oldshirt]

She definately has some kind of medical/gynecological thing going on that needs medical attention. That needs to be step 1.

 

When that is taken care of then th relationship issues need to be addressed.

 

My wife had similar issues several years ago with the daily bleeding an terrible mood swings. She was diagnosed with Prememstual Dysmorphic Disorder and was treated with a uterine ablation and meds and she made a pretty dramatic turnaround.

 

PMDD is basically like being stuck in PMS 24/7.

 

From your description it sound like you probably hav some serious underlying relationship issues in addition to any medical issues but th medical issues must be fixed before you can work on the psychological or relationship issues.

[fizzylifting]

Dumped - Very sorry to hear about your situation. Its so weird how women can change so much in such a short period of time. I haven't even really started the D yet and I'm already swearing off women for good.

[fizzylifting]

oldshirt - I think you are right. She will need to get her medical situation fixed before we can improve our relationship. Just hope that I can stick it out for that long.

[dumped2013]

Good luck, get the medical situation checked out. She will blame it all on you. I'm done with relationships unless I really get knocked out by a wow factor, but even then I will probably think twice. Well, unless it's a Saturday night with some beers in me