MassiveAtom Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 For all you people who want to mediate your divorce, let me offer a firsthand experience. Mediation is only as worthwhile as the people involved in it. My STBXW, Aka BEEATCH! Has the strangest notion of fairness that I have EVER heard. She simply wants everything for nothing. She figures the law is all there is to the matter and nothing else is even relevant. Well, I say this. There is no value in spending money for mediation if the disagreements are not based on a mutual understanding of fairness and balance. When that isn't there. mediation is a joke. I think this road is going to be long and hard. And I stand to lose EVERYTHING I've worked for. Actually, I already have. as always MA Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Hmm, my counsellor had suggested mediation in my case. But I think my wife has her idea of what is right and fair and the law and common sense be damned. Sounds like I might be better off saving my money on that route. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 You guy both need good lawyers. I think on the surface mediation sounds like a good deal, but in the long run.... This is the problem that I have with women who destroy their family dynamic just because they aren't quite as happy as they think they ought to be. It's totally unfair to everyone involved, because the budget that supported one family pretty well, seldom stretches to cover 2 families in the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 This is the problem that I have with women who destroy their family dynamic just because they aren't quite as happy as they think they ought to be. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Massive Atom: I'm sorry, I don't recall ever reading how long you have been married. Maybe it isn't even an issue in the state you live in. If I'm correct, (in my state) if a couple is married 10+ years, it is considered "long-term" and the assets are split 50/50. If she is getting nasty about things, you will be better off getting a lawyer before things get even worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 Lil Honey, LadyJane has helped me through this from when it started 8 months ago. From the painful realization that my wife no longer loved me, through the rapid decline of even her respect, to the day when I was told I was to be divorced, all because I became sad and angry after being dealt these crushing blows. She hit the nail on the head, I'm dealing with a selfish spoiled child. I'm putting the kaibosh on meditation during our next session. Even the mediator is casting ME as the badguy, even though my {expletive deleted] STBX, did exactly what LadyJane described. It was 8 years. Now seems like 5 minutes. 5 minutes underwater. as always MA Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 Devildog, Give it a try, you may be surprised, but know when to walk away from it. IT starts getting clear when the mediator starts in with little comments that just don't sit right with you. When that happens, it's time. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom I'm putting the kaibosh on meditation during our next session. Why wait 'til then? You could be setting yourself up for some unnecessary drama, including attempts to apply guilt to you. If you're pretty sure that you're going to go with a lawyer anyway, then why put yourself through all that? Heck, send your lawyer to the next meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom Lil Honey, LadyJane has helped me through this from when it started 8 months ago. Ahhh . . . I see . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Massive Atom and Devildog: May I throw this idea out there? I would think that mediators are a lot like counselors or doctors (or any other profession that involves humans with personalities). When a person doesn't have the right "fit" with a counselor, they go to a different one . . . I have no experience with a mediator, so I don't know the benefit. I don't know if they cost less than a lawyer (replace a lawyer? ) or if they make time with a lawyer less "billable" (like a communication go-between). Just trying to find helpful alternatives. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 << Was REQUIRED and MADE to go into Mediation with my EX.. He was an unreasonable ****er and wouldn't settle for less than EVERYTHING through out our divorce.. so it dragged on.. we had 2 seperate meetings with our attorneys.. then we were REQUIRED by the courts to attend mediation.. All I could think was "Yeah that will help because it's done a sh*t load of good so far trying to talk to this idiot" In the end.. the mediation SUCKED.. the mediator SUCKED MORE.. my EX STILL insisted on his way.. and the whole freaking mess went to court, then chambers.. then the court.. judge came out.. told EX to bad, so sad you STILL can't have it all even if you hold your breath.. If possible.. then yeah work it out and don't allow other people (courts) to choose for you.. but honestly IMO IF it was so easy to "work things out" and "make nice" I guess we wouldn't have been getting a divorce to begin with. Good Luck MA Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 Why wait 'til then? You could be setting yourself up for some unnecessary drama, including attempts to apply guilt to you. If you're pretty sure that you're going to go with a lawyer anyway, then why put yourself through all that? Heck, send your lawyer to the next meeting. LOL!!! Beautiful!! Absolutely beautiful! It IS working for the parenting agreement. In fact it worked really well for that, becausewe all knew there was nothing anyone could do to stop me from getting what I wanted, and no one wanted to keep me from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by Merin << Was REQUIRED and MADE to go into Mediation with my EX.. He was an unreasonable ****er and wouldn't settle for less than EVERYTHING through out our divorce.. so it dragged on.. we had 2 seperate meetings with our attorneys.. then we were REQUIRED by the courts to attend mediation.. All I could think was "Yeah that will help because it's done a sh*t load of good so far trying to talk to this idiot" In the end.. the mediation SUCKED.. the mediator SUCKED MORE.. my EX STILL insisted on his way.. and the whole freaking mess went to court, then chambers.. then the court.. judge came out.. told EX to bad, so sad you STILL can't have it all even if you hold your breath.. If possible.. then yeah work it out and don't allow other people (courts) to choose for you.. but honestly IMO IF it was so easy to "work things out" and "make nice" I guess we wouldn't have been getting a divorce to begin with. Good Luck MA Merin, I feel exactly like you described! What a fvkkin JOKE This is. We have a couple things to iron out about the kiddos, and then that's it. Man, why can't we be in England during Henry VIII? ROTFLMAO!! That last sentence is DEAD ON, hon, Something about all this is just plain stupid. MA Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 Dividing things up is most certainly difficult. The approach that I took (and I feel it went about as well as it could have) was above all try to keep things calm. You've all heard of the old saying "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...". The last thing that I wanted to do was upset my ex because I knew I would pay for it with $$$. My ex started off with a distorted view of "fair", but I calmly (okay, relatively calmly) reasoned with her and we eventually wound up with an arrangement that we could both live with. I didn't like it, but I could live with it. I did take a pretty hefty financial kick in the groin. I feel like I'm getting punished for being hardworking, honest and faithful and she's getting rewarded for being unfaithful and dishonest. That's fair, right? I feel my blood pressure starting to rise - must calm down. Serenity now! Serenity now! Okay, I'm better now... Do I feel like I've taken it up the hoop? Yup, but I know that I am better off in the long run. A good female friend of mine, summed it all up like this "Suck it up princess, she's takin' everything the law will let her take - whether she deserves it or not". When it's all over, are you going to feel like you've taken it up the hoop? Probably. Hopefully you can get your ex behave reasonably. Stand your ground, pick your battles but be prepared to "suck it up princess" cause it ain't going to be pretty. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by Lil Honey Massive Atom and Devildog: May I throw this idea out there? I would think that mediators are a lot like counselors or doctors (or any other profession that involves humans with personalities). When a person doesn't have the right "fit" with a counselor, they go to a different one . . . I have no experience with a mediator, so I don't know the benefit. I don't know if they cost less than a lawyer (replace a lawyer? ) or if they make time with a lawyer less "billable" (like a communication go-between). Just trying to find helpful alternatives. I hear you Lil, It SHOULD be less expensive than hiring an attorney. But you Still NEED and attorney on your side, you still need to pay him/her too. It's ridiculous really. I think it's a better investment to hire a good attorney. Using a little money for mediation, gets you a LOT of face time. ugh, I THOUGHT I wanted face time, but now Using more on a poor attorney, is like committing financial suicide. Using a good attorney for a little extra, PEACE. I'd rather just serve her arse without warning and watch the spectacle of her soiling herself in the doorway of her new apartment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted January 26, 2005 Author Share Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by Yikes Dividing things up is most certainly difficult. The approach that I took (and I feel it went about as well as it could have) was above all try to keep things calm. You've all heard of the old saying "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...". ..... ---snip--- ..... Stand your ground, pick your battles but be prepared to "suck it up princess" cause it ain't going to be pretty. Best of luck to you. Man! Ya gotta love posts like this. I REALLY do appreciate the candor. But I also have a nice recipe for Molotov cocktails I'm thinking about using!! :lmao: :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
cmm196934 Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Don't do the mediation especially if you have children. It is the biggest joke. I tried it and not even two hours later my stbxh was in his attorney's office trying to get child support reduced more. The best thing to do is get what you need on your stbx and go to court. I am doing that now. It all comes down to the almighty dollar and not about your children and what is fair to them or you. Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 I find it helps to try to be realistic, stay as positive as you can, but still realistic. Humour is also a good thing... I hide a lot of pain behind a joke. If you look hard enough there is often something that you can poke fun at. That female friend of mine commented that since the separation, I looked more relaxed and like I'd lost a little weight. I replied that "if you had a 140 lb boil lanced off of your a$$, you'd feel better too". As I often say, "gotta find the humour". Link to post Share on other sites
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