My boyfriend had a bad divorce and doesn't want to get married again, I do

[shoppingdiva]

Hello everybody, new to the forum.

 

Okay, We are both divorced.

 

He had a bad divorce (loved his wife and wanted to work things out, but she didn't and she divorced him after 2 years of marriage after knowing each other for 10+ years) he was devastated, blindsided (his own words) and extremely hurt by this ordeal. She refused to take him back (he tried to get her back after the divorce was final) but she rejected him and has moved on with her life (I suspected she had someone else since she pushed for the divorced and was out of the marriage within 6 months). He's been divorced for 3 years now.

 

I mentioned the subject as we were talking about relationship in general and he stated in general conversation he does not want to get married again. We've known each other for a year; we love each other very much and the relationship is good. He has sworn off of marriage and living together (for right now). I'm open to marriage and living together since I've been divorced for several years. I'm trying to be patient because I feel like 3 years is still pretty recent to go through something this dramatic,yet I'm hoping that as our love increases over time he will soften up on the topic and come around. Am I'm being too optimistic? Should I cut my losses and move on. I really love this man and would hate to throw the whole relationship away because of this one issue, but it's important to me.

[dumped2013]

If 2 people love each other why do you have to have it on a contract? Make a contract between yourselves and renew it every year. I have a couple of divorced buddies that have long term relationships and do that and it has actually worked out for them better than marriage would. I'm a guy and I feel the same way your boyfriend does. Why go through it again? Why move on if you both love each other? Just remain faithful to each other and it is basically the same thing as marriage.

[Copelandsanity]

This is a tough one. I'm 1 year, 2 months removed from divorce and I feel the same way as him right now. I used to be biggest romantic; it was huge part of the spirit I had as a person, but it's currently utterly extinguished. And I have no idea when it's returning.

 

I think one question to ask yourself is what the purpose marriage has for you. If it's for the purpose of having children and this is not his long-term vision, then cutting your losses and moving on becomes a likelier possibility. If it's not to have children, then something to consider is continuing to a loving relationship together without the marriage. Living together is something that he'll probably come around on; you two may not have been together long enough yet - I assume it's less than a year.

[shoppingdiva]

 

I think one question to ask yourself is what the purpose marriage has for you. If it's for the purpose of having children and this is not his long-term vision, then cutting your losses and moving on becomes a likelier possibility. If it's not to have children, then something to consider is continuing to a loving relationship together without the marriage. Living together is something that he'll probably come around on; you two may not have been together long enough yet - I assume it's less than a year.

 

We've been together for a year, so things are still new. I'm okay if he does not want to get married again (really I'm). I'm not interested in children (I have a grown son from my former marriage) but I do want to share space with the person I'm in love with, so I'm hoping with time he will open up to this possibility. I'm going to give him at least 24 months, if he is still against living together, I'm going to leave.

[oldshirt]

If your end-goal is to remarry at some point then you have to take him seriously at his word that he does not wish and does not intend to remarry.

 

Your choice is to continue to date him accepting that he will probably never change his mind and will not marry you.

 

Or you can move on and find some else who also wishes marriage.

 

If he was under 25 years old, 11 months post-divorce and you two had only been dating a few months I'd say to give it a little more time and not press the issue.

 

 

But you two are full grown adults who know what they want and how the world works. 3 years is plenty of time to at least know what you want in another relationship and dating you for a year is plenty of time to know if he wants to marry you or not.

 

Continue to date him without expectation of marriage if you want. Or amicably breakup and move on if remarriage is your objective. But please don't hold on to a fantasy that if you just "love him enough" that he is going to wake up one day and realize how awesome you are and will suddenly change his whole tune and want to remarry. Please believe him when he tells you his thoughts on remarriage.

[cozycottagelg]

I feel like perhaps my husband was the exception...but.

 

When I met him he was going through a divorce with his ex-wife, who had cheated on him several times and up and left him one day with 2 dogs, 2 cats and a foster son. He lived 4 hours from his parents and really had but one or two friends through the entire ordeal.

 

When we first got together he was very clear that he never wanted to get married again and he wasn't interested in children.

 

Despite the place our marriage is in today (unrelated to this topic), we got married (he asked, I never ever pushed or brought it up) and we have two awesome kids. So men do change their minds.

[shoppingdiva]

I feel like perhaps my husband was the exception...but.

 

When I met him he was going through a divorce with his ex-wife, who had cheated on him several times and up and left him one day with 2 dogs, 2 cats and a foster son. He lived 4 hours from his parents and really had but one or two friends through the entire ordeal.

 

When we first got together he was very clear that he never wanted to get married again and he wasn't interested in children.

 

Despite the place our marriage is in today (unrelated to this topic), we got married (he asked, I never ever pushed or brought it up) and we have two awesome kids. So men do change their minds.

 

Thanks! I feel like he is still hurting over how things went down in his divorce. She also cheated and was quick to end the marriage because she had someone else.

 

Rejection is no joke, and infidelity is a hard pill to swallow, especially when it's your spouse, your partner. I've been through that so I can relate and understand. Though I've been divorce for over 10 years, I remember the pain and I'm glad to be past that now, but it stung like no other when it happened to me. 36 months is not a long time post divorce, I still think he is dealing with some residual effects of the whole ordeal, which is why I'm being a little patient.

[Tayken]

I feel like perhaps my husband was the exception...but.

 

When I met him he was going through a divorce with his ex-wife, who had cheated on him several times and up and left him one day with 2 dogs, 2 cats and a foster son. He lived 4 hours from his parents and really had but one or two friends through the entire ordeal.

 

When we first got together he was very clear that he never wanted to get married again and he wasn't interested in children.

 

Despite the place our marriage is in today (unrelated to this topic), we got married (he asked, I never ever pushed or brought it up) and we have two awesome kids. So men do change their minds.

 

 

Some men perhaps....why would I want to get married again after being there once? I think most women just want to do it again to post pics on facebook and to show their friends. Practicality should prevail in the end, especially if you were both married before

[whichwayisup]

If marriage is that important to you, this relationship will end because he doesn't want to get married. Or if you want him, then accept things as they are, live with him and be partners. You both have two different ideas of a future together, not sure there is a compromise, especially since he is quite adamant about not getting married for a second time.

[Els]

If you feel that marriage is important to you, then you would be better off seeking someone else. There is a pretty high likelihood that he will not change his mind, and it is unfair to both you and him to continue to date while secretly hoping that he will change. It is of course a possibility, but... what if he doesn't? What will you do 3, 5, 10 years down the road?

 

It doesn't matter what the men on LS say about marriage. It has its pros and cons, but it really just all comes down to personal opinion and desire. In this case, the opinions of you and your bf, which are what matters, and which are unfortunately incompatible.

[Keenly]

He laid it out for you pretty clearly. If you want to get married, of don't be to him. Do not try to change his mind.

[trippi1432]

ShoppingDiva, you may be wise beyond his years here. I see your compassion to his situation and how you understand him; however, no one should live in limbo. Men can become pretty complacent when their needs are met (not trying to generalize but any man who says that if he's getting fed, his clothes are clean and he's getting sex isn't getting his needs met would be lying). A woman should be getting her needs met too.they are THAT different from men's needs. It's not just a roof over the head and bringing home the bacon...women today can do those bare basics for themselves.

 

I may have digressed the entire conversation...but I think (for me) I need to know what value men have in a woman's world if I am not to think of a future and just live in the moment? Where do WE fit in each other's lives, if I am making room in my life for him but he is not making room for me..and vice versa..ultimately, both will become unhappy.

 

You can only be patient for so long and he can only hold onto his own hurt for so long. Don't let yourself become the rebound girl accepting less than what you deserve...Respect you and put you first. If he loves and respects you, he will understand and move forward himself. "Rejection is no joke, and infidelity is a hard pill to swallow"..but it's not your responsibility either to make him happy if he is just "living in the moment". The responsibility is on your shoulders of what you want out of life...never walk thru fire for someone who is incapable of doing the same for you.

 

You many need to open your eyes and ask yourself..would he be there in the same capacity as you are for him. If that answer is no, I wouldn't give it another moment's consideration..walk away.

[shoppingdiva]

ShoppingDiva, you may be wise beyond his years here. I see your compassion to his situation and how you understand him; however, no one should live in limbo. A woman should be getting her needs met too.they are THAT different from men's needs. It's not just a roof over the head and bringing home the bacon...women today can do those bare basics for themselves.

 

I may have digressed the entire conversation...but I think (for me) I need to know what value men have in a woman's world if I am not to think of a future and just live in the moment? Where do WE fit in each other's lives, if I am making room in my life for him but he is not making room for me..and vice versa..ultimately, both will become unhappy.

 

You can only be patient for so long and he can only hold onto his own hurt for so long. Don't let yourself become the rebound girl accepting less than what you deserve...Respect you and put you first. If he loves and respects you, he will understand and move forward himself. "Rejection is no joke, and infidelity is a hard pill to swallow"..but it's not your responsibility either to make him happy if he is just "living in the moment". The responsibility is on your shoulders of what you want out of life...never walk thru fire for someone who is incapable of doing the same for you.

 

You many need to open your eyes and ask yourself..would he be there in the same capacity as you are for him. If that answer is no, I wouldn't give it another moment's consideration..walk away.

 

I hear what you are saying, I probably will have to leave at some point if things don't change. I'm not stupid, I have someone else on the side that wants to give me the things he won't so I will probably have to make a move soon or at the very least tell him I can't have an exclusive relationship with him, that I have to keep my options open.

[Emilia]

I'm not stupid, I have someone else on the side that wants to give me the things he won't so I will probably have to make a move soon or at the very least tell him I can't have an exclusive relationship with him, that I have to keep my options open.

Maybe he just doesn't want to marry you.

[2.50 a gallon]

sd

 

Believe him when he was he will never remarry

 

After the break up of my marriage, I too swore that I would never remarry. That was over 30 years ago, and I still haven't changed my mind.

 

In fact it took me another 14 years, before I was able to fall in love again. She too had a bad marriage, and like myself will never marry again.

 

That does not mean that we do not love each other. We have now been together for over 18 years, I love her with all my heart. We have bought our own house. My name is on her car title, and hers on mine. But as to getting married, it will never happen

[health]

I hear what you are saying, I probably will have to leave at some point if things don't change. I'm not stupid, I have someone else on the side that wants to give me the things he won't so I will probably have to make a move soon or at the very least tell him I can't have an exclusive relationship with him, that I have to keep my options open.

 

You have someone on the side, so what makes you different from his ex who also had someone on the side? See how patterns repeat? He's going for the same girl. You are playing it safe, instead of putting your all in the primary relationship. You want that gratification of marriage and think you'll be in peace, but you're also leaking your emotions on the side. The main guy sounds like he's not over the marriage and you might be a rebound. How long after his divorce did you date?

[Tayla]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and pray to heavens this lady is a role model for being a supprotive girlfriend and proving to him thru her words and deeds that she is loyal and true. That is a way to have a man re-consider his options in the relationship.

 

I'm going to also disregard that she has "something" on the side ...that just doesn't sit well after reading her original concerns....

[health]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and pray to heavens this lady is a role model for being a supprotive girlfriend and proving to him thru her words and deeds that she is loyal and true. That is a way to have a man re-consider his options in the relationship.

 

I'm going to also disregard that she has "something" on the side ...that just doesn't sit well after reading her original concerns....

 

 

Me too but when she said "I'm not stupid, I have someone else on the side that wants to give me the things he won't "

 

shoppingdiva - I can see how you think it's a smart idea - a safe idea, but it's really hazardous to both relationships.

 

You have to be willing to put 100% of yourself in the relationship - trust me at some level he senses you're leaking your energy to someone else.

 

People who have Emotional Affairs - that causes and compounds problems in the primary relationship.

 

I hope you get what you want, but I also hope you don't hurt people in the process.

[trippi1432]

Honestly....I wasn't expecting that response from my post, the gist was don't be the stepping stone and respect yourself.

 

I've had a couple of IC's tell me that, after divorce, it's wiser for a woman to date many men (not sleep with them), just have a choice of men and not settle on the first man to come into your life. I think that is wise. I do not think it's wise to have a man on the side and be asking for a commitment of marriage from another who isn't willing to give it.

 

As it was brought up, the boyfriend is going after the same type of woman his ex was...but perhaps the OP is going after the same type of "men" too? When you live your life right, true to YOU, things fall together. Ultimately, don't be a stepping stone and don't step on the stone.

[shoppingdiva]

Maybe he just doesn't want to marry you.

 

Your right, I thought about that too and it hurts my ego, hey, I'm human. I think he doesn't want to marry me.

[shoppingdiva]

You have someone on the side, so what makes you different from his ex who also had someone on the side? See how patterns repeat? He's going for the same girl. You are playing it safe, instead of putting your all in the primary relationship. You want that gratification of marriage and think you'll be in peace, but you're also leaking your emotions on the side. The main guy sounds like he's not over the marriage and you might be a rebound. How long after his divorce did you date?

 

I'm single, so I don't feel guilty in anyway seeing someone else who is very interested in marrying me and treats me very well. I want to commitment 100% to my boyfriend, but he is not giving me enough reasons to continue doing so and I ain't nobody fool. When we first met he was post divorced 29 months. It's been 3 years total to date.

 

I mean the man said he would not marry me or live with me. He said he doesn't want to get married or live with anybody, that he is better off just living alone because of his personality. He also stated he really did not want to get married but felt if he didn't marry his wife, he would lose her because he truly loved her and he knew she "needed to get married". Once he got into the commitment things started to fall apart and the marriage ended 22 months later when she filed for divorce. They knew each other and dated for ten years but soon as they got married the situation deteriorated pretty quickly. He wanted to stay married because he believed in following through on commitments, especially since his parents have been married for over 40 years, but the wife (and her young son from a previous relationship) couldn't live with him, she was done. I've observed in my dealing with him that he does have a very difficult personality and is not easy to get along with, but I've learned how to handle him in certain situations. I know he personally told me he felt like a failure when his marriage ended and that he doesn't believe in the institution anymore. I've often wondered how much of that thinking is a way for him to deal with the failed married and rejection by his ex or does he now really subscribe to that philosophy.

 

Back to the other guy, unfortunately, I'm not as in love with the person interested in marrying me as I'm with my current boyfriend. I feel if I could detach emotionally from my boyfriend I might be able to open up more with the other guy.

 

I don't feel like I'm rebound per say with my boyfriend, just that he needs more time to heal from the whole ordeal, plus I questioned him about his feelings for his ex-wife and he sworn up and down that he is not using me as therapy for his divorce and that he is in a good place and has gone through a lot of healing. However, I personally don't feel that he loves me as much as he says he does. The words are there but not all of the actions are there. Which makes me question his intentions constantly in my head and I have posed certain questions to him as well for reassurance, but I still ain't convinced.

 

With the other guy who is again, very interested in marrying me, his actions speak way louder than his words, he is very proactive about showing me he wants me in his life in every way. My boyfriend tells me these things but the follow-up and physical actions are spotty, inconsistent and lackluster at times; that translates in my mind that you don't really love me or want me like you say you do, on top of the fact that you made it a point to say you are not getting married again nor would you even consider living with me.

 

I found a letter he wrote to his wife right after the divorce and he was pouring his heart out and begging her to take him back, that she was the love of his life, his soulmate, etc. I felt like crap after I read that letter because he minimized to me how he really felt about her when we first met and talked about this situation, he acted like the divorce was mutual when that was the farthest thing from the truth or maybe I misinterpreted what he said. At any rate, I've tried to be patient and understanding but I think I should just move on as painful and heart wrenching as that would be for me. The other guy who very interested in me is not going to wait forever and I don't want him to think he is some Plan B. It sucks to feel like your someone's second choice.

 

Also, when I try to distance myself (which I have done a few times) from my boyfriend, so I can move on, he always comes looking for me. I guess No Contact needs to happen at this point.

Edited March 14, 2014 by shoppingdiva

[d0nnivain]

Shopping Diva

 

 

If you had never been married, I was going to tell you to walk now if marriage was your goal.

 

 

Then you switched to say you simply wanted to live with your BF but he was against that too. You plan to give him another or a total of 24 months to decide he would live with you. OK. I thought that was a pretty reasonable compromise.

 

 

Then you posted about your piece on the side. Ding. Ding. Ding. We have a winner. Even if your current BF doesn't know why he can't commit to you, somehow deep down he "knows" that you aren't all in. You want commitment from him but you aren't being faithful to him. He was already burned once by his EX wife. Subconsciously, he realizes you are cut from the same cloth.

 

 

Since you are unwilling to commit wholeheartedly -- & you were adamant on here that your single status gives you the right to date as many people as you like -- it's unfair of you to demand an exclusive commitment from him.

 

 

Leave this guy alone. Let him find somebody who values fidelity.

[JKMAC]

Shopping Diva, I went through a long, three year court battle that included infidelity (on her end), and a whole bunch of other drama that would make any person question getting back into the marriage game.

 

Obviously, you want to get remarried. I was a little concerned by your comment that you have someone else on the side who can give you what you want because if this is the case, it indicates you are committed to marriage and not so much to an individual.

I also think if you do not move towards what you want, marriage, it is going to end badly for you. You deserve to get what you want and resentment a few years down the road is not going to help you.

 

I would try and drill down deeper into what he is really fearing.

 

Legally, you can protect him through a prenuptial agreement. If he is worried about a long, battle, and there are no kids involved this reduces his risk. Most people confuse divorce with love. Divorce has nothing to do with love. It has to do with money. It took me three years and a lot of stress and heartache to figure this out.

 

Relationships, on the other hand, have to do with love and the only way he can avoid any possible way of breaking up is to never enter into a relationship with anybody because there is always a chance people will break up over time. He is going to have to take a leap of faith with someone or stay safe alone.

 

Good luck!

[shoppingdiva]

Shopping Diva

 

 

If you had never been married, I was going to tell you to walk now if marriage was your goal.

 

 

Then you switched to say you simply wanted to live with your BF but he was against that too. You plan to give him another or a total of 24 months to decide he would live with you. OK. I thought that was a pretty reasonable compromise.

 

 

Then you posted about your piece on the side. Ding. Ding. Ding. We have a winner. Even if your current BF doesn't know why he can't commit to you, somehow deep down he "knows" that you aren't all in. You want commitment from him but you aren't being faithful to him. He was already burned once by his EX wife. Subconsciously, he realizes you are cut from the same cloth.

 

 

Since you are unwilling to commit wholeheartedly -- & you were adamant on here that your single status gives you the right to date as many people as you like -- it's unfair of you to demand an exclusive commitment from him.

 

 

Leave this guy alone. Let him find somebody who values fidelity.

 

Let me give you more detail about my boyfriend, his wife left him because he was cheating on her with 3 different women within a 22 month period. She hired an private investigator because obviously he would not admit to the truth when she suspected him, that when she must have said 'screw this' and started cheating on him and proceeded to file for divorce. He told me that there was a lot of problems in the marriage and that made him go outside of the marriage and seek validation from other women.

 

Now, instead of communicating with his wife and trying to work things out he went out and sought comfort from other women; that's no way to resolve your issues. How do I know he won't do the same thing to me if we start having problems? I mean he loved this woman to death, we've only been together a year so I not going to compare the love he had for her (10 years) vs what he has for me now, but if he could do that to his ex-wife, then what about me?

Edited March 14, 2014 by shoppingdiva

[health]

Honestly....I wasn't expecting that response from my post, the gist was don't be the stepping stone and respect yourself.

 

I've had a couple of IC's tell me that, after divorce, it's wiser for a woman to date many men (not sleep with them), just have a choice of men and not settle on the first man to come into your life. I think that is wise. I do not think it's wise to have a man on the side and be asking for a commitment of marriage from another who isn't willing to give it.

 

As it was brought up, the boyfriend is going after the same type of woman his ex was...but perhaps the OP is going after the same type of "men" too? When you live your life right, true to YOU, things fall together. Ultimately, don't be a stepping stone and don't step on the stone.

 

Very well said.