Future In-Laws' Negativity

[mercuryshadow]

I am having difficulty handling my extremely negative FILs. We are fast approaching our wedding date, and aside from their negativity, they have not had any involvement in the planning at all. For one, they never congratulated us... their only concern has been the cost of the wedding, which is moot, because they aren't contributing to it! I was thrilled a couple of months ago when they finally offered to host our rehearsal dinner, but we decided to do without one because they complained about even the lowest price we were able to obtain for a dinner ($35 per head, 15 people total). I decided that it wasn't worth the stress to go that route anymore, and my FI told them that we didn't need a rehearsal dinner. While it's a bit sad, I think the trade-off is well worth it (i.e. less stress).

 

 

My FI acknowledges that they are fully self-absorbed people. They have been calling weekly now (they live a few hours away), and each time, there has been some complaint in regards to our wedding. Most recently, his mother complained that she had not been consulted about the menu, as she has certain dietary restrictions. However, the invitations included specific instructions for accommodating special dietary needs. Instead of following these instructions, she complained to my FI. The buffet is quite large, by the way, and does include items she can handle. She is also welcome to order a main entrée prepared to her liking... but she has expressed her dislike of this idea.

 

 

Honestly, I am running out of tolerance. If it's not a direct complaint from them, it's a message delivered via his brother or sister in law. Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? I'd really like to enjoy our wedding/marriage, but the more I hear of complaints and meddling, the more upset I become. How can I keep my FILs from raining on our happiness? I'll admit, their meddling has had me in tears on a few occasions recently...

Edited March 11, 2014 by mercuryshadow

[Copelandsanity]

I am having difficulty handling my extremely negative FILs. We are fast approaching our wedding date, and aside from their negativity, they have not had any involvement in the planning at all. For one, they never congratulated us... their only concern has been the cost of the wedding, which is moot, because they aren't contributing to it! I was thrilled a couple of months ago when they finally offered to host our rehearsal dinner, but we decided to do without one because they complained about even the lowest price we were able to obtain for a dinner ($35 per head, 15 people total). I decided that it wasn't worth the stress to go that route anymore, and my FI told them that we didn't need a rehearsal dinner. While it's a bit sad, I think the trade-off is well worth it (i.e. less stress).

 

 

My FI acknowledges that they are fully self-absorbed people. They have been calling weekly now (they live a few hours away), and each time, there has been some complaint in regards to our wedding. Most recently, his mother complained that she had not been consulted about the menu, as she has certain dietary restrictions. However, the invitations included specific instructions for accommodating special dietary needs. Instead of following these instructions, she complained to my FI. The buffet is quite large, by the way, and does include items she can handle. She is also welcome to order a main entrée prepared to her liking... but she has expressed her dislike of this idea.

 

 

Honestly, I am running out of tolerance. If it's not a direct complaint from them, it's a message delivered via his brother or sister in law. Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? I'd really like to enjoy our wedding/marriage, but the more I hear of complaints and meddling, the more upset I become. How can I keep my FILs from raining on our happiness? I'll admit, their meddling has had me in tears on a few occasions recently...

 

You can't. When you marry someone, you also marry their family. Your best shot is to ignore them as best you can...and put yourself in a position to have as little contact with them during the marriage. But other than that, you're just going to have to put up with it.

[mercuryshadow]

You can't. When you marry someone, you also marry their family. Your best shot is to ignore them as best you can...and put yourself in a position to have as little contact with them during the marriage. But other than that, you're just going to have to put up with it.

 

 

 

Thank you. Do you think there's ever an appropriate time to indicate to them that all we want is their support, that they be happy for us? When I do see them, we get along fine, except that they complain about everyone and everything. Visits are quite excruciating. Would I really be out of line to just ask that they be supportive and positive? It may very well be that they simply don't know how to be positive...

[Copelandsanity]

Thank you. Do you think there's ever an appropriate time to indicate to them that all we want is their support, that they be happy for us? When I do see them, we get along fine, except that they complain about everyone and everything. Visits are quite excruciating. Would I really be out of line to just ask that they be supportive and positive? It may very well be that they simply don't know how to be positive...

 

What does your FI think about her parents' negativity? Personally, I think that you should leave it alone. I know that doesn't sound proactive, but even if they agreed with you, they're not going to change in the long-term. Yes, on TV and in the movies, they do, but in real life, people like that don't change. They've been self-absorbed, negative complainers their whole lives; they're not suddenly going to change because their s-i-l decided to stand up for himself. I think this only has the potential to cause more drama. Honestly, I think the only way they could change is if your FI felt as strongly as you did and you both decided not to invite them to the wedding or make some other strong stand together.

[mercuryshadow]

I see your point. It would probably be a waste of breath, even if I did decide to say something. FI is more accustomed to their ways. They aren't particularly close because of it, though he certainly does care about them, and vice versa. My own parents have their faults, too, but my in-laws' issues are outside of the scope of my experience. I wouldn't want to uninvite them to the wedding, as my FI doesn't have a lot of family coming as it is. He knows this is all wearing on me, though, I just don't think he realizes how much so. I suppose I need to ask him to be a better buffer... because every time I hear of this complaint or that complaint, I feel one step closer to losing it. If I could do things over, I'd have opted for an intimate ceremony off on some remote island. This is just not worth the stress, though it's too late to change the course of things now.

[d0nnivain]

Weddings bring out the worst in a lot of people. Go read some threads on the Knot. They are way worse then what your FILs are doing.

 

My advise: ignore them. Let it go in one ear & out the other. To their face, kill them with kindness. For example since you already had buffet selections that your MIL could eat, tell her you are sorry she was stressed about the menu & ask what she would like to eat then either point out it's already on the buffet or follow the instructions you gave to other guests on her behalf.

[Tayla]

You can't. When you marry someone, you also marry their family. Your best shot is to ignore them as best you can...and put yourself in a position to have as little contact with them during the marriage. But other than that, you're just going to have to put up with it.

 

Funny that you write that, for that is exactly how my former daughter in law treated my sons side of the family. And we are down to earth , rather easy going folks. Yet the moment she got the engagement ring on her finger she became Bridezilla. So yeah, ignoring the family is a sure fire way to put up a wall of discontent.

 

For the OP- From an etitquette book, the future in laws do have some duties and roles to play in the planning. Inviting them to the taste testing meal would have been one of them. Another is to remain calm and share some simple tasks to partake. IF they decline, at least you put your best foot forward.

My New Daughter in Law ( okay its been three years now..) choose to be the co-ordinator and she loved feedback! She had certain tasks set out and each week let the bridal party know what was going on. If they wanted to be involved she was okay , if not, she found ways to work thru things. The day will come and go, the vows are for keeps. Make them be a stepping stone for how you maintained Flair and graciousness. You are the bride and can be beautiful thru this bump in personalities. I wish you and your betrothed much peace on that special day.

[mercuryshadow]

Funny that you write that, for that is exactly how my former daughter in law treated my sons side of the family. And we are down to earth , rather easy going folks. Yet the moment she got the engagement ring on her finger she became Bridezilla. So yeah, ignoring the family is a sure fire way to put up a wall of discontent.

 

For the OP- From an etitquette book, the future in laws do have some duties and roles to play in the planning. Inviting them to the taste testing meal would have been one of them. Another is to remain calm and share some simple tasks to partake. IF they decline, at least you put your best foot forward.

My New Daughter in Law ( okay its been three years now..) choose to be the co-ordinator and she loved feedback! She had certain tasks set out and each week let the bridal party know what was going on. If they wanted to be involved she was okay , if not, she found ways to work thru things. The day will come and go, the vows are for keeps. Make them be a stepping stone for how you maintained Flair and graciousness. You are the bride and can be beautiful thru this bump in personalities. I wish you and your betrothed much peace on that special day.

 

I appreciate hearing your perspective, Tayla. I'm sorry that you had a negative experience, being on the other end of things. I do see how my post could be misconstrued to mean that we weren't interested in their feedback, or that we had intentionally left them out of the planning, but that is not the case. We had in fact invited them to partake in the food tasting, but they weren't interested in traveling a few hours in order to join us, though we did keep some of their likes and dislikes in mind. Their only active inquiries so far have been financial, which I don't understand because FI and I are paying for the wedding, along with the help of my parents (though we could have afforded to do it all ourselves, my parents are very traditional and consider it a gift).

 

And I'm actually a very low key bride...this whole wedding is pretty low key, because that's just our style. I've made no demands of anyone, and my registries are very humble. I don't even really want for gifts, just for positive support. We are both 30 and this is a first for both of us. All I ask is for good vibes, and that everyone has a good time.

 

I know I can't change my in laws... I have to work on my stress response, I guess. Ijust hope they can find it in themselves to help make this a pleasant experience.

Edited March 12, 2014 by mercuryshadow

[Tayla]

You sound very reasonanble and deserving of the day that is a memorable one. In no way did I consider your viewpoint less then valid in how to approach and deal with the future inlaws. I'm sure you are a fine lady. Its on them to render help and consider it one of the few roles yet they get to play in parenting. Pity they don't see it that way. I wish you nothing but joy on that day and the days to come. His parents will see that you are a wonderful addition to the family!

[mercuryshadow]

So I decided to email some info to FI's family (his parents, bro and SIL) because he told me they had a lot of concerns about timelines the day of our wedding. I sent them a friendly group email about a rough plan for myself and my bridesmaids, and wanted to give them an idea of when they should arrive, because FI's 6 year old niece is my flower girl. Also so we have time to take family photos. In my email, I also assured FMIL that we have some options in our buffet to suit her dietary restrictions and that we can also have a special dish made for her.

 

I received a response from FMIL, who gave me HER version of a timeline, totally ignoring what i had said. She was also still worried about what she will be able to eat. She then asked if my photographer would be able to do a formal sitting with her grandchild, my flower girl, so that her parents don't have to go to the store to get spring photos taken this year. She also asked if she and SIL could get ready in my bridal cottage, because they don't want to get dressed at home (which isn't very far from the hall!!)

 

I haven't responded. I want to be polite, but to make clear that my photographer can certainly take a few solo shots of the flower girl, but that a formal sitting is just not doable due to time restrictions and such. Second, that my brides maids and I need to have room to get dressed in the cottage first and foremost...if they want to come in to use the bathroom or to do a quick touch up before photos, that's fine with me, but because the cottage is small, it can't be monopolized. I don't feel comfortable being crowded in the space where I need to get ready.

 

Am I wrong for feeling like these requests are unreasonable? I'm a very easy going person, very flexible, but it's becoming apparent to me that they are thinking that the day is going to revolve around them and their agenda. I need to feel comfortable and at ease in my wedding day. I could really use an unbiased opinion as to how I should proceed in my response. Or to tell me that I'm being too uptight, if that's the case.

[Radu]

Why not just elope ?

[mercuryshadow]

Why not just elope ?

 

 

 

Radu, if I could go back and do all of this over again, that would be my plan!!

 

 

Not that we're having a big, expensive wedding, but we've already made deposits so we'd be taking a big hit if we were to cancel now. Ah, but I SO wish we could!

[Radu]

Why not pretend you are eloping, a sort of fantasy thing.

 

It might help you put up with your MIL's 'eccentricities'.

Just imagine that honeymoon, after the wedding ... no communication with them, the pod ppl.

[Grumpybutfun]

These are your FIs parents, he needs to deal with them. Apparently, he has never learned how to set boundaries for his family so they feel free to impose their will on him and by extension you. This is something you need to sit down with him and discuss and ask him if he can intervene and take care of this. The more you cater to her wishes, the more your MIL will demand. This won't be just about your wedding, but your life and when you have kids, it will be her new favorite past time to question your parenting and demand three hour drives so she can see her grad kids even if you are in the middle of one of your most labor intensive work weeks. Boundaries needs to be placed by him. He needs to sit down his folks and tell them that this wedding and his life are firmly in hand and while he appreciates their concern and their support, this isn't about them.

It isn't your duty to pacify or handle his folks. Be kind but distant because if you aren't, this woman will steamroll over your life in more ways than this. I have a MIL just like this except she is actually meaner and we went NC because boundaries were never respected and she had a flair for drama and negativity that quite frankly made life harder than it had to be.

Communicate all this to your fiancé,

Grumps

[mercuryshadow]

Radu, that's an awesome idea! I'm definitely going to have to try that.

 

 

Grumpy, you're 100% correct. When it comes to his parents, FI tries to seem powerless. I get very frustrated when he speaks to them on the phone, because he literally cannot get a word in, edgewise. I'm actually very glad that these demands were conveyed to me directly, because I may not have otherwise known about them. You're right, I need to sit down and ask him to please draw some better boundaries.

[Leigh 87]

Sorry but how you choose to live your live is non of their damn business.

 

They ARE NOT your family. Only if you are close to your partners relatives can you deem them part of your "family". Family are blood relatives and/or those who you are closest to and who you CHOOSE to call your family. Your FIANCE is the one who you need to talk things out with and explain yourself too.

 

You owe his parents NOTHING but a civil attitude towards them when you come into contact with them.

 

You have EVERY right to point blank state that : "I will be conducting the wedding how I see fit, your dietary needs are accommodated for as I have mentioned previously (the buffet is so large it contains food that are fit for your consumption and we can have a meal prepared by the chefs for you upon your request). Sorry but it cannot get much more accommodating than this, I have literally done everything I can to accommodate your dietary needs"

 

" Please keep any negative remarks surrounding our wedding to yourself. We feel we have planned things well enough without others criticizing the way we have chosen to do things. We want to only include people in our wedding party who are happy for us and want to come together in positivity"

 

 

 

 

 

 

You absolutely DO NOT have to put up with this crap. You work hard, you have carved out a life for yourself and this is NOT like you have cancer whereby you HAVE to fight for your life without any choice in the matter.

These are his negative and frankly very unpleasant sounding parents; you DO have a choice as to whether you have to deal with them. THEY ARE NOT your problem!!!

 

People have every right to demand that the negative and underserving annoyance from a partners parents are no longer an issue.

 

It is NOT part of the deal to "marry is family".

 

You have your own free will which you are entitled to exercise! You can CHOOSE to no longer interact with his parents. He obviously agrees with you about how they are an unnecessary annoyance. HE can deal with them since they are his blood relatives.

 

 

 

 

 

Please learn to stand up for yourself.

Edited March 18, 2014 by Leigh 87

[mercuryshadow]

Leigh, your "stand up and fight" attitude is very refreshing. However, I have to be careful about this. I don't want to ruffle any feathers, especially before the wedding. I had a nightmare last night that FMIL and SIL were in the cottage and crowded me out so I had no time to get ready for my wedding. lol.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did end up sending a very carefully thought out response to FMIL's email, and ran it by my bridesmaids and my own mother before I sent it.

*I very politely stated that no, her grand-daughter could not have a formal sitting with my wedding photographer due to the days' schedule being somewhat regimented in the interest of getting everything done on time, but that I will ask him specifically to take a few solo shots of her. No problem.

*I stated that the bridal cottage is intended for me and my bridesmaids, so that we can get ready. I mentioned that I would be the last to get dressed, whereas FMIL had stated to me in her email that her grand-daughter (the flower girl) would be getting dressed last. I did say that the flower girl was more than welcome to come hang out/utilize the cottage with us, as she is indeed part of the bridal party, but that the cottage would be too crowded for anyone additional to utilize the space to get ready. I did mention that I'd check to see if the hall ladies' rooms would be available to FMIL and SIL, and that they are quite spacious and nice. My own mom is getting dressed at home, and I did say that it would probably be best for them to do that as well, if possible.

*I sent her our menu, as well as other options she could choose as a specially prepared entrée for herself. I assured her again that there would be things for her to eat. (just as a side note: she never does eat much at a meal!)

So, that was the gist of my email and from here on out, FI needs to address any further demands that come up. I wanted to be very clear, which is why I sent the email, but that's going to be the end of my correspondence in regards to these "issues". I knew that if I left it up to my FI to convey the points I bulleted above, they would not "get the message." I was very pleasant in my email, ended it on a positive note, and said I looked forward to seeing them.

Edited March 18, 2014 by mercuryshadow

[bubbaganoosh]

It would be nice if the in laws understood that this is your day and MIL should remember that she was once a bride and it was her day.

 

You might have to face facts that with these types of people, you can give an inch and they want a mile. Then you give them a mile and they want ten.

 

Honestly, the only one that can do something about it is your soon to be husband. He doesn't have to get nasty or ignorant. All he has to do is let them know that "this is the way it's going to be" and it can be said in a nice way.

 

I have a friend who got married to a girl that wasn't of the same race. He's white and she is native American.

 

His parents weren't happy with his choice because she didn't look white. (DUH!) and they had a bigoted streak in them.

 

When they told him they didn't like his choice, he, in a very polite manner told them that if they can't accept her then don't attend the wedding and don't expect to see him any longer and their future grand children. He said it with class and manners but made it known that he wouldn't put up with their ignorance any longer. They were nice to her face but once his fiance left, they made their comments.

 

They came to the wedding and welcomed her to the family but he kept his family on a real short leash and let them know that at any time, he'll cut them loose from his life. There still married. 30+ years and three beautiful daughters.

[mercuryshadow]

It would be nice if the in laws understood that this is your day and MIL should remember that she was once a bride and it was her day.

 

You might have to face facts that with these types of people, you can give an inch and they want a mile. Then you give them a mile and they want ten.

 

Honestly, the only one that can do something about it is your soon to be husband. He doesn't have to get nasty or ignorant. All he has to do is let them know that "this is the way it's going to be" and it can be said in a nice way.

 

I have a friend who got married to a girl that wasn't of the same race. He's white and she is native American.

 

His parents weren't happy with his choice because she didn't look white. (DUH!) and they had a bigoted streak in them.

 

When they told him they didn't like his choice, he, in a very polite manner told them that if they can't accept her then don't attend the wedding and don't expect to see him any longer and their future grand children. He said it with class and manners but made it known that he wouldn't put up with their ignorance any longer. They were nice to her face but once his fiance left, they made their comments.

 

They came to the wedding and welcomed her to the family but he kept his family on a real short leash and let them know that at any time, he'll cut them loose from his life. There still married. 30+ years and three beautiful daughters.

 

 

 

That's such a nice story, Bubbaganoosh! What a happy ending. I was once engaged to a guy of a different religious background, and while other factors did play into the demise of our relationship, I will say that the attitude of his mother toward me was the start of the downfall. I'm glad it worked out the way it did, though, I'm far better off now than I would have been if I'd stayed with that guy.

[mercuryshadow]

As I suspected would happen, because she didn't get her way, FMIL did not respond to my email. Instead, she decided to call FI after reading it and ask the same exact questions of him to try and get a different response. I am not sure how he handled it because I wasn't privy to the conversation. When I asked him, he kind of shrugged it off - which is his typical response toward anything regarding his parents' demands. I suppose he is just far more used to it than I am.

 

 

 

 

BAH.