girlfriend got her gangbang on

[Urban Rubble01]

Racist, non-racist, let me say this. Any woman who has had 20....that's right folks---20 partners, would concern me if i were a man.

 

20 partners is promiscuous, self-destructive behavior, and if I were you, I'd pass her sloppy seconds thirds, fourths, fifths

 

The guy who is getting on people for racism then goes on to spit this moralistic, mysoginistic bull**** ? What the hell ?

 

Is the fact that she's had 20 partners bothering you, or is the fact that SHE has had 20 partners bothering you rtobiejr ? We all know none of you guys are going to be calling a fellow man "promiscuous" and coming down on him for being "slutty" if he had 20 girls, so drop this sexist nonsense.

 

My advice ? If you LOVE this girl and you also TRUST her completely, then don't let the fact that she got a little crazy bother you. I know first hand how hard it can be to deal with, but deal with it. GO RENT THE MOVIE CHASING AMY.

 

People DO change, you need to evaluate how you feel about her and what you think about her.

[rtobiejr]

Um....I'm a woman, so I'm not exactly misogynistic.

 

You'll notice my post said "if i were a man".

 

I'm 22 years old, and quite frankly, I wouldn't marry or date a man who had 20 partners. How on earth can a person sleep with that many people, especially at the age of 27? I don't know about you, but if I'm discriminating about who does my nails...so you can sure as hell bet that I'm going to be extremely discriminating about who is going to sleep with me.

 

I don't care what anyone says-- that is promiscuous behavior. And I didn't say she wouldnt be faithful to him-- heck, she's likely tired of sleeping around now.

 

All I asked the OP is would he really want to be #21? Who wants someone with that kind of bagagge?

 

Since I know it's coming...how many sexual partners have I had? One. We're engaged.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by rtobiejr

Um....I'm a woman, so I'm not exactly misogynistic.

 

You'll notice my post said "if i were a man".

 

I'm 22 years old, and quite frankly, I wouldn't marry or date a man who had 20 partners. How on earth can a person sleep with that many people, especially at the age of 27? I don't know about you, but if I'm discriminating about who does my nails...so you can sure as hell bet that I'm going to be extremely discriminating about who is going to sleep with me.

 

I don't care what anyone says-- that is promiscuous behavior. And I didn't say she wouldnt be faithful to him-- heck, she's likely tired of sleeping around now.

 

All I asked the OP is would he really want to be #21? Who wants someone with that kind of bagagge?

 

Since I know it's coming...how many sexual partners have I had? One. We're engaged.

 

Ah, so full of knowledge and experience. 20 partners isn't a high number for someone who's almost 30 and has been sexually active for 10 years.

 

Please don't label others as promiscuous or self destructive because their number doesn't fit into YOUR idea of "right".

 

You can be just as sloppy as someone's first.

[Moose]

Btw, Moose... was that a bit of racism I heard there? Uh oh-- I, for one did not know the Christ to be so...

No, I'm not a racist by any means. Funny that you got this response:

I think racists are funny, but what's funnier to me is people actively accusing others of being racists whatever chance they get.

Before I even got a chance to respond. And I'd watch what you say, or imply about what Christ is......you don't want to go there with me friend.

 

People do make mistakes. And I for one believe in giving other people a chance to redeem themselves. That's precisley why my first sentence was to find out if she's willing to stay faithfull to him. Her background is too shaky for my taste and I'd certainly wouldn't even give it a try......but that's just me. I'm just glad I'm not in his shoes.

[HokeyReligions]

adude21,

 

Something is not right -- if it were you would not feel this doubt, no matter how many partners she had, or what color they were, or whether it was filmed or for money. Dissecting the whole problem is not getting you anywhere because each issue on its own you seem to be OK with. It's the sum total that has left you with an uneasy feeling that you can't put your finger on.

 

You have only been together four months -- that's not enough time to build a permanent lasting relationship, no matter how in love you believe yourself to be. You have hit your first road-block and you are questioning yourself and her. I think you may be asking the wrong questions.

 

Its not going to work out going forward if you have reservations at this stage of the game, and your reservations certainly have a legitimate foundation.

 

If at only four months you don't feel you trust her (either to lie to you, or just not to do right by you) then you might want to consider taking a break from the relationship for a bit and get your head together. Think about what qualities you want in a relationship and in a mate. What can you be flexible on and what is set in stone. Behaviors, beliefs, lifestyle, religions, sex, children, values, politics, etc. You can ask her to think about these things also and get back together in a few weeks to seriously discuss them. If you both can't get your priorities on-target with each other then cut your losses now. It will hurt, but it will hurt less than if you wait for several years and the feeling of something wrong builds into resentment or complete dis-trust.

 

On the other hand, by really communicating your ideas, thoughts, dreams, expectations, etc. now, you might find that you two will become closer and more confident and trusting with each other.

 

Some people, though they claim to not be racist will have unidentified misgivings about interracial relationships. There is nothing wrong with that if you identify it and decide if you can accept it. People can be uncomfortable with interracial relationships just as they can be uncomfortable in mixed religion or mixed politics relationships.

 

You are still young and learning about yourself and what is important to you. You mentioned that she is blonde too and that tells me that appearance is probably important to you -- maybe more important that you realize. When you sit down and really think about your priorities in a relationship be honest with yourself. No one is going to see this but you. If looks rate at the top of the list - put it there. Everyone's priorities change over time and with experiences. Understanding that and knowing yourself will help you communicate with others, and help you accept or reject certain issues/attributes from others with less self-doubt.

[aFighter]

Personally I'd have trouble with it. 5 guys at once...a bit too extreme for my mind to get around.

 

Makes you wonder what else she's hiding from you.

See, there's the trust right out the window, oh boy

[RowanRavyn]

Other than STDs I think its a foul idea to go over intimate details of your sexual history with your partner. You really do NOT need that detail, especially if you are having self-esteem issues.

 

I am not sure why the fact that these men were BLACK is pointed out or why the girlfriend is BLONDE is pointed out. These are irrelevent facts.

 

I am a person who can not do casual sex. Doesn't work for me.

 

That said, regardless of where it came from Dr. Spock has a good point. If she were a guy who had 20 sex partners most guys would be patting her on the back for her sexcapades.

 

OTOH~~~20 sexual partners, who may have slept with even five other people each...that gets into scary statistics.

[adude21]

Originally posted by moon

As much as it hurts, I think the first statements out of her mouth about this event were probably closest to the truth. Who would volunteer that much information? After her first words were said she probably tried to sugar coat things. What led up to this conversation? Were you really disclosing a lot to her about your past and she jumped in with her own exploits? Or did she just volunteer this piece of information? What's her background like? Has she ever talked about being abused? Sorry I know that's really personal, but it sort of sounds like she might have a sort of skewed image of sex in general. I can't think of anybody who has been gangbanged by five black guys. Did your girlfriend start to cry when she told you this? Was she really upset and confused about it? Or did she just state it matter-a-factly. Maybe just try to love her for who she is, but know there might be some other shaddy things that come out later. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some emotional or physical abuse in her childhood. I can understand your shock.

 

She was molested by her uncle when she was eleven years old. She's also told me how that led her to make a lot of the mistakes she's made.

She cried when she told me that, but as far as telling me about the mistakes she made, no. We also had a talk much earlier in the relationship about "the number" of people we've been with. I was with 2. She was with "between 15 and 25". At that time she had mentioned a threesome with a guy and a girl, and pretty much gave me the impression that the threesome was it, as far as mulitiple people involved. Some time later I made some comment on porn, she made some comment on how she did it once, and then went as far to tell me about the gangbang. It was an added bit of shock for me because, well, I thought I already got the story from her. It was hard enough for me to hear that she had been ****ed by "15 to 25" guys (she doesn't know exactly???). So I was really still trying to cope with that. Right as I'm getting to a comfortable level of copesmanship, she adds a whole new roster of dudes, and how they all had her at once (she spared the intimate details)... To me it's a lie because the honesty is so delayed. She initially told me about the threesome as if it was the only multiple sexual partner experience she ever had. But no.

Why I'm with her right now is because I'm convinced. I'm convinced that she really means it when she says "I never want to be in a situation like that again" or "Everyone else was a mistake" or "All I want to ever have is you" or "Us being together is a gift from God" or "You're a gift from God."

I'm all cool with her whole family now. She's all cool with mine. We sleep together. We live together. We are together.

Assuming that I really do want to keep this up, and trust the future, what are some great ways to just forget about all of her past mistakes?

[Moose]

Assuming that I really do want to keep this up, and trust the future, what are some great ways to just forget about all of her past mistakes?

 

Just remember that today is the first day of the rest of your life. You and her need to set at a table and write down all these things that bother you, and her, then light a candle, burn them up and never bring it up again. Kind of a cleansing.......it'll be hard to get to the point where you won't think about it on a daily basis, but if you two have a pact not to bring it up, it shouldn't take very long.

[rtobiejr]

Originally posted by adude21

She was molested by her uncle when she was eleven years old. She's also told me how that led her to make a lot of the mistakes she's made.

 

I knew there was something up here--the poor thing.

 

( And here Dr. Spock is attempting to tell me it's perfectly normal and healthy--not self-destructive at all!-- to have had 15 to 20 partners when one is only 27 .)

 

Women who are mentally and emotionally sound are discriminating about who they have sex with. This woman has been looking for love through sex, and it had led to her being physically used .

 

Adude21, she needs counseling. Tell her that, and take her to it.

 

And while she works through her feelings, you need to understand yours as well. Perhaps the fact that you can't seem to squelch your concern over her past is because you really can't handle someone with this kind of emotional bagagge. Make sure you are committed to working through this with her if you decide to continue the relationship, because both of you bring your pasts with you into a relationship.

[Mr Spock]

Your post is in danger of making you sound like a sanctimonious prick rtobiejr, there are many, many, many MANY people out there who've had numerous sexual partners and haven't been molested, and I'm sure they'd resent your implication that it's mentally unhealthy to be free with your sexuality, and comfortable with it.

 

I would like to point out to you that my title is "Mr" not "Dr" in case you may have problems comprehending the written word.

 

 

 

 

 

Women who are mentally and emotionally sound are discriminating about who they have sex with. This woman has been looking for love through sex, and it had led to her being physically used

 

Your statement reeks of someone who doesn't really have much idea about sex. True, in this case SHE has some major issues to work through. Either that, or she's a big fat liar. I can tell you right now that in 10 years of singledom it's EASY for someone to find 20 people that suit even the most discriminating taste.

 

To the original poster, if you really want this to work never bring up the topic again, and never ask about her past sexual history (unless she's choosing to talk about past abuse, in that case you should listen and offer support). I mean never. There are people out there who in fact have forgotten how many people they've slept with, and when the numbers get up it's easy to forget a person here or there. I'm not so much suspicious of that simply because based on the narrow minded attitudes of some of the above posters it's easy to see why she has problems talking about her past sexual history, ESPECIALLY if she was abused. Feelings of shame, guilt-all those things combined with your consternation over the "gangbang" can make her dodgy on the details. You shouldn't have even asked her in the first place. Anyone here watch Chasing Amy? Good lesson learned.

 

She doesn't need your forgiveness, she's done nothing wrong to YOU. She needs you to be supportive, and caring and loving. The girl has issues. Don't add to them. Don't bring up your problem with her past if you're certain of her love for you.

[adude21]

Thank you.

[rtobiejr]

Let us agree to disagree, Spock.

 

I believe a person can be comfortable with their sexuality and at the same time respectful of their body. I wish food were like sex-- then we could say fat people are in "touch with their food" and "comfortable about their hunger" instead of the truth, that they need to exercise self-control, exercise and choose healthy things to eat.

 

From a physical standpoint and an emotional one, 20 partners isn't healthy behavior. No one else here seems to be arguing this point, which leads me to believe that this is an issue you take personally. I'm not condemning you--I don't know you. I'm speaking to a pattern of behavior that is destructive.

 

And as to your comment about finding 20 people to sleep with, I find that so hard to believe.

I haven't found 20 people who I would sleep with, because I need just a bit more than someone who is interested in me, attractive and willing.

[Mr Spock]

Look up the slut thread if you're interested in other people's opinions on the matter.

 

I'm not taking it personally-I'm stating that having blank amount of sexual partners does not indicate destructive behaviour.

[Weird]

She got gangbanged? Yikes.

 

No way I could be with a girl who got gangbanged. That's sick and she apparently does not have much self respect and high morals so IMO she isn't long term material. Oh and her saying she has strong Christian values is a *****in joke. She isn't truly religious because if she was she wouldn't do that type of crap.

 

I also dont think anyone (male or female) who is 27 should have 20+ partners but hey, if they wish to fug anything that shows interest (seems silly to me and very rabbit like) then go right ahead...don't cry if an STD suddenly shows up...I would hope if people have fugged that many people by that age they have used protection. Don't need more mistake babies running around.

 

To me those who just ***** whoever are basically admitting they are no better than a common animal. Yikes. Way to use the gift of intelligence you were given.

[daphne]

wow, seems like this post got way off track.

 

op, your girlfriend didn't owe you a single word about her sexual history, so i'm dumbfounded that you say she lied to you. i wish for her sake she hasdn't told you so much since you can't seem to fully stop judging her. whatever problems she's had, from my experience (not personally since i haven't been with a lot of guys but had longer term relationships) there are a lot of men and women who've had 20+ partners by 30. Shoot, i had a girlfriend who had slept w/ 40 by the age of 23. She was slightly insecure but my point is that everyone's got a past, excluding the self righteous rtob who thinks anyone over 1 must be messed up.

 

if she tells you she's ready to settle down and commit, then i would go by her current behavior and not her past. i personally was a very different person in my early 20's than i am now in my early 30's. drastically. people do make mistakes ( i might consider the 5 dude thing a mistake due to the degradation) but they also grow up. at least a lot of them do.

[UnSpokenIntent]

I'm a 21 year old black male who goes to a large midwestern college. Me and a friend of mine go around gang banging about 2 new chicks every month. Black chicks, white chicks, it doesn't matter. So quit worrying people, it's more common than you think. Not just young women who go to my school either, some women as old as 40 looking to have fun when the hubby's out. Who are we to judge? We're just people. Would I trust and be with a woman like that? No, I'd find a more chaste woman and I respect women who would choose someone more chaste than myself. But people will live their own life.

And if you emphasized the guys being black because of the stereotypes, it doesn't really matter. Trust me- most women find it uncomfortable or painful. Anything over seven is a curse.

[Gunner]

No way I could be with a girl who got gangbanged. That's sick and she apparently does not have much self respect and high morals so IMO she isn't long term material. Oh and her saying she has strong Christian values is a *****in joke. She isn't truly religious because if she was she wouldn't do that type of crap.

 

Maybe she converted to Christianity after the gangbang incident. Maybe she has changed her life. Everyone can change if they decide they want to. Maybe she decided to be totally honest with the guy.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by UnSpokenIntent

I'm a 21 year old black male who goes to a large midwestern college. Me and a friend of mine go around gang banging about 2 new chicks every month. ...So quit worrying people, it's more common than you think.

[kellydontwanttasleep]

she sounds like a good Christian girl to me. maybe she was attending a preacher's convention.

[johnnyl321]

think about it dude. she could have stayed hush-hush on that whole situation until you may have heard it from someone else. then that creates a problem. instead, she trusted you enough (and took a huge gamble on it) that you would be a calm human being and understand this was done before you came along.

 

try to look at the positives. i know there are people here saying she's loose, she's a slut, whatever. screw that man, these people don't share your bed at night, she does. so take it from this 40 year old, trust is the key ingredient to any relationship and she showed faith and trust in you. now, can you return that favor?

[adude21]

Originally posted by johnnyl321

think about it dude. she could have stayed hush-hush on that whole situation until you may have heard it from someone else. then that creates a problem. instead, she trusted you enough (and took a huge gamble on it) that you would be a calm human being and understand this was done before you came along.

 

try to look at the positives. i know there are people here saying she's loose, she's a slut, whatever. screw that man, these people don't share your bed at night, she does. so take it from this 40 year old, trust is the key ingredient to any relationship and she showed faith and trust in you. now, can you return that favor?

 

Yes.

[johnnyl321]

Good for you. Now go with your woman and treat her as though she never mentioned it at all. I know (believe me, I know) that forgetting may never happen, but, never forget that she is in love with YOU. and right now, and for the future, you are all that matters to her. Make sure you make her feel the exact same way. leave the past behind the both of you because you can't go forward, if you're looking backward.

 

 

(tosses down a shot) Salut!!

[derekj513]

But $hit happens. It's natural for every girl to wanna experiment and try different things. Maybe she liked being adored and worshiped by multiple guys at once. Little does she know, they were just getting their rocks off. Or maybe she does know they were just using her and she likes it; She wanted to have multiple guys to increase her chances of getting a big dong that night. 1 in 5 has to be hung she figured. Oh well, the moral of the story is this: dump her, she most likely hasn't changed and still wants to do things like that. Once people try things, they figure "what the hell, i done did it..." I know I never wanted sex until I tried it. Now I can't get enough. She's gonna constantly be thinking about the other guys while she sleeps with you. One guy is a bore to her now I bet.

[derekj513]

I had to get my rant and rave in before I go to bed. Every bit of evidence points to an overwhelming majority of women being promiscuous. I even tried going to church to find a "good girl". Even they were naughty. I've only known one female I would trust not to cheat in the last 2 years and I wasn't interested in her for cosmetic reasons if you catch my drift. But anyway, I'm sure your girl is a perfect little angel. So don't worry about her sexcapades and adventures. Just be happy and know she thinks of you only and would never act on impulse or instinct to do something new and exciting.