4+ year distance relationship; she ends it in a moment

[Snow101]

First post here ladies and gents, so please take it easy on me.

 

I don't know why I'm even posting this. I guess I just want to get this off my chest. I've been suffering for 8 months and there seems no end to it...I'm really really hurting. I just am so sick of being me and this being my reality, and I don't know how to escape.

 

So, I'll attempt to tell my story. It's really an impossible task isn't it? You don't know me, you don't know her. And trying to sum up an almost 5 year relationship in less than 400 page novel, is hard to do. How can anybody give me advice with so little info? Still, I will try.

 

 

I'm 32 years old. She is 28. Basically it was a 4.5 year long distance relationship. Yeah, maybe that was the problem that it didn't become no-distance in that time, but life and other **** got in the way. No excuses, thats just what happened.

 

Anyway, she told me all the stuff I've been longing to hear my whole life... I love you , always and forever, theres nobody like you, you're the only guy I could ever want, you're perfection, everything a man should be, you treat women good, blah blah. I really thought I had finally found my dream girl. We have some problems, it wasn't perfect, I wasn't perfect, but overall I treated her like gold and was loyal and loving beyond belief. It was hard being long distance but I thought we were so matched, so deeply bonded, and it just seemed like I could trust her completely...that we had some deep unbreakable bond. It felt like finally, this is it.

 

All the sudden she calls up one day, and says she thinks we cannot work and she gives me like ten contradictory reasons why she wants to end it. Shes messed up right now, in a transitional phase in her life, you know the whole "i'm getting older, WTF am I gonna do with my life thing". She says stuff about her being "tired" of the struggles we were having. But she also hemmed and hawed about it and actually tried to back out of breaking up and everything. It was so confusing, hurtful and she was so muddled.

 

So I said to hell with it, this is important to me, this girl means the world to me. After all this time I wasn't about to let her go without a struggle, I wasn't going to get dumped on the phone. So I fly out to see her.

 

She didn't sound thrilled about me coming , but on the other hand she didn't say not to come and she seemed somewhat receptive to the idea of seeing me and holding me and talking it out in person.

 

So I fly out, get there and then she basically ignores me and I saw her like three times out of a week long trip. So I spent a week practically by myself going crazy, and alone in her town. And she was just so cold and distant to me I didn't even know who this person was that I spent countless hours talking to and thought was my soul mate. And she keeps coming up with all these reasons that don't make sense and says something like we don't have a spark, after all this freaking time. After almost five freaking years and thats her line. She was so cold, I just didn't understand how she could treat me so bad when I came all the way out there and she just made it so ugly. She wouldn't even give me a hug goodbye when she dropped me off at the airport to fly home. I've never felt so mistreated and disrespected in all my life. Its like okay I know being dumped doesn't feel good no matter what, but she really seemed out to twist the dagger by being so cold and distant and treating me like a stranger.

 

And thats it. Eight odd months later I'm still struggling with it. It eats away at me everyday like acid. I've tried everything to forget her and move on but it won't work. I can't imagine being able to date anyone else or even try. I'm so messed up. Shes only sent me ONE short email (two lines) wishing me happy birthday in all that time. She won't respond to my emails or calls. I don't harass her constantly but I've written some respectful letters trying to just talk to her. I still don't really understand what happened and why she felt like she had to act the way she did towards me. But it doesn't look shes ever going to bother to respond to me.

 

I've asked for just one conversation with her, and then sworn we would never talk again. I've promised to be kind and not do anything except ask some questions, then I hang up and thats it. I've even said that if she simply refuses to talk, just to tell me that much at least so I stop bothering her. I'm trying to be reasonable. But nothing. Just silence.

 

So it really gets to me, every single day. My heart is broken and the one person I thought knew me and I trust completely has shown that she doesn't give a **** about me and it just is killing me that I don't even really know or understand why she did it, and broke my heart.

 

You know, I'm not expecting her to hold my hand forever or call me nightly. I can't force her to love me or be with me if she doesn't want that or feel it. But I feel like after that long of a time, I'm owed at least a little bit of tenderness and care. When you give your heart utterly to someone I feel like they have some obligation to take care of it. Can't she just make one gesture? One call, one text, asking how I am? Can't she write just one letter telling me why she she REALLY felt like she had to go, whats her final answer this time, instead of wishy-washy going back and forth between various things that don't make sense?

 

She knew my past, my fears, my past breakups that hurt me. She was so sympathetic to them, and claimed to be the good type of person that wouldn't give me a raw deal. And swore up and down it would never be like that if it came to it between us. The utterly cold way she has cut me off has played right into a lifetime of pain and fear and hurt. Who is this person? I thought I knew her down to the bone. But its like I never knew her at all. Or everything we went through and experienced meant nothing at all.

 

So I'm really hurting here. I'm not the type that is going to be "okay, guess I'll just never know what went down,okay moving on". I can't do that. Its not me. I know with no answers I could easily obsess for the rest of my life over this.

 

Because I really, truly loved this girl. I would have done anything for her. I would have jumped into a pit of hungry tigers to save her, I would have given her my last dollar to help her out, anything. And it just sucks when somebody brings down your world and it doesn't even seem to matter to them and they leave you high and try, someone you trusted and had faith in completely. I thought we were going to be married, I believe her when she said she would never stop loving me. Gods, what a fool I am.

 

I feel like I'm never going to get over this and I'm never going to allow myself to trust or love again.Afterall, I was so freaking sure of who she was and so certain she was good and would treat me decent no matter what...and I appear to be dead wrong. If everyting between us, she can just flip the switch, I feel like I'm going to live in fear. I want epic cromance, I want life long commitment, I want someone that means what they say or doesn't say it, why can't I meet a woman that wants those same things?

 

I feel like at my age I don't have time to go through some epic long grief period. Yet I feel like I can't even try to date or find someone else. If I went on a date right now, I'd probably get hammered and go on an hour long diatribe about the hypocrisies of what women claim to want and what they really want and my date would probably slap me or just walk out.

 

I feel torn. On one hand, I feel like just becoming a recluse and giving up on women altogether. On the other, I feel like going out there and trying to find ANYBODY that will have me, just to feel some warmth and tlc, no matter what the cost. And on the third hand I feel like waiting forever for her to wake up and realize that it don't get no better than me, and to come back to me.

 

God, I love her. I love her still, even after she took my heart and shattered it into two million pieces and apparently doesn't care if I live or die. God, this is killing me and I can't conquer it.

 

So...thats a really crappy and brief summary. Any tips? I'm telling myself I just have to somehow survive this and then maybe I'll heal, but I've been through hell. Constant anxiety, fear, depression. It's been so rough...I've lost count of the sleepless nights, the panic attacks, the crying, the boozing, the crazy actions Ive taken like a guy that has nothing to lose, etc etc. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.

 

Help?

[Snow101]

Thanks for the response. Believe me, I'm trying so hard to move on, but I just can't seem to let it go...I don't know what to do...

 

I feel like we had all the ingredients to make for a lifetime romance but we made a few mistakes along the way, things that could have been corrected so easily...guess she disagrees.

 

I just hate how she gets to skate away on her merry happy life, and apparently feels no guilt, no remorse about leaving me in the fashion she did. And I'm left with nothing but a broken heart and endless questions. The way she has conducted herself just makes me feel like I'm so worthless and such a non-person to her that she doesn't even feel the slightest need to do anything at all. I just feel like if the situation was reversed and for some crazy reason I was done with her, I would have never, ever been so callous and cold to her, especially if I knew she was in tremendous pain.

 

It just makes me feel like I can't trust myself or my instincts or other people if I was so, so wrong about her...I truly felt like no matter what she wouldn't do something like this and she would be careful with my heart. It's like...is that how it is? What if I'm married to someone for ten years and then one day they just up and quit on me? How does anyone recover from that? It doesn't seem worth the risk if everyone is so damn fickle.

 

Oh damn it all

[lvroflife]

I know you say "stuff" got in the way of eithe rone of you moving closer, but did you guys ever really talk about making a move happen?

[Kopite]

I was in the same situation buddy and after breaking up with her because she was "confused" and going no contact, three months later I am still a little bitter about what happened and I still have major trust issues with women. I just don't believe a word any of them say. Even my friends who are female when I listen to how they want a man who is a gentleman, who respects them, bla bla, I just nod my head but deep down I'm thinking "what bull****".

[innocentbutterfly]

relationships are hard. add distance to that and you got something very hard. I've been there too. 4 months ago my LDR also finished. He dumped me. Stupid moral reason that wasn't even worth it and yes the same, no remorse. Just blocking me and going NC. I did get him to speak after a month tho sending him a birthday gift. Foolish, he's already played around with new women. But I did finally get closure I needed. He's with a crappy older woman now that isn't even beautiful and a blonde what he said he never liked and he calls it a LDR and her a gf and for them I've been named a slut, when in reality she's just his online **** buddy.

 

However, you have to move on. Think about it, you are there banging your head, but she isnt, she doesnt even think about you. Believe me, I was a wreck too, spent all days in bed, crying, begging, hoping and who knows what more. But it gets easier. Now I'm talking with someone that actually is 10 times more mature than him. And I don't regret it.

 

So dont pull yourself back thinking all will fail. Just go out there, or even try finding some online. Its what I did. Eventually when you start to like someone you will slowly forget everything about her.

 

I'm still skeptic about love too, but I know its possible if you find the right person, just dont give up.

 

She isn't worth one minute of your time thinking of her, because you aint worth 30 seconds of hers to even pick up or say something to you. Let it go. It is hard, but its not mission impossible.

 

Hang in there.

Edited March 13, 2014 by innocentbutterfly

[Els]

I apologize for skimming your post, feel free to correct any mistakes.

 

4.5 years LDR is hard. Really, really hard. There's no way around that fact. I did 2 years and frankly, that was very close to my limits. The 3 years of RL relationship that followed that was like a breeze in comparison, including living below the poverty line for several months and working out the initial issues of moving in together. I can only imagine 4.5 years, and have the deepest of respect for the very few people who manage it.

 

It sounds to me like she just reached breaking point. I think she should have just told you that rather than beat around the bush, but that's what I suspect. Very, very few people can tolerate 4.5 years of long distance and still go on strong.

[Heroeric]

OMG dude is this my life were talking about Haha I've went through something so similar!! Been six months since, and I'm driven mad everyday by it because I still love this person! Ended so much like how yours did, relationship was alot alike as well. She told me she loved me more then anyone ever could, that I saved her from doing really bad things, that I'm her sole source of happiness, etc. Out of nowhere, she ended. And I treated this girl so well! If she had a bad dream which was occasionally, I would wake up no matter what the time was. I helped her through everything, showed her so much love. But out of nowhere, out if the absolute nowhere, she told me she can't do it anymore. It's like what do you mean! I've never gotten my closure, but i realize some people simply 'outgrow' others, or just get board. But everyone tells me there was likely another man in the picture the way things sounded, perhaps that's what happened here... Its super Damn crappy but no matter what it's best guys like us stay strong and never give up no matter how bad things get.

[Snow101]

Thanks for the responses peoples. It helps a little, thank you.., really I mean it.

 

Now for more boring rambles from me:

 

 

I don't think it is another guy. At least if you would have asked me a year ago if she would pull something like that on me, I would have said no way, never. Now, I'm not so sure. Because apparently everything she ever said was meaningless to her.

 

We even talked about it before if we ever met someone else or something like that happened we would do the right thing, and at least SAY it openly and not try to hide anything. But that was back in the days when this was supposed to last for eternity and cheating was out of the question.

 

If it is another guy and she doesn't have the cojones to tell me, man that angers me. Just say it, if thats it. I think I'm owed some honesty at least.

 

And yes regarding the distance...We talked about it often, but I think we were both waiting too long for the "perfect" scenario or time for us to move..or more clearly ME to move, because she made it pretty clear she didn't want to live where I'm from...and it would have been a big, long distance difficult move. But I should have taken charge and done it anyway. Although now I'm not sure if that would have avoided this fallout...then I would be dealing with a break up and having changed and moved my entire life somewhere else, added into the mix.

 

This just feels like the last straw for me, man. I've had more heartbreaking/straight out of the damn movies romantic tragedies than 90% of the guys I know. It's just like so agonizing to go through this type of thing over and over again. When I think about all the sweet and nice things I did for her, all the gifts and presents and money and expensive trips, and all the endless convos we had for hours every single day nearly, to think that all amounts to nothing at all, that just kills me.

 

Really, after all that , she doesn't even care about me a little just as a friend? Have some sort of concern about how I'm doing or how I'm coping? Nothing?

 

I can't trust myself, my own instincts seem to be way off, or anyone else for that matter. I feel like the universe is telling me through all my crappy experiences with romance that I am just supposed to be alone.

 

I've tried every strategy there is to get over somebody. None of it works for more than a few hours. Just when i have a decent day and start to feel like I'm moving on and getting better, some thought strikes me and I'm right back in the hole. I just feel like I got royally screwed over and I don't think I deserved this. I tried so hard to make it work and make her happy, all for naught. I guess I just have to somehow wait it out and just wait for time to heal me.

Edited March 13, 2014 by Snow101

[flightplan]

Snow, I hear where you're coming from. Been there, done that. In truth, relationships are a roll of the dice. We never truly know anyone... you really don't. After this latest BU and debacle of a woman, I'm extremely guarded about who I give my heart to. And I don't know that I ever will again... BUT, I will date, have fun, strive to be happy regardless of my relationship status. If I ever decide to love as much as I have the in the past, I know the gamble I'm taking and depending on the woman, might just say... ahh f***k it, one more time . Who knows.

[Jiivy]

I am dealing with the loss of my fiancee - she left me after a 7 year LDR. We lived together for 9 months towards the end and were forced to return to separate countries for work...we were happy with our 9 months and planned to settle permanently & marry later this year. 3 weeks ago she changed from a devoted wife-to-be, to leaving me, to having met someone else.

 

I understand LDRs. I was disowned by my family for persuing this one, moving to a new country with nobody by her.

 

Now I have little family left willing to talk to me, a fiancee who's run away with another man and the biggest hole in my soul I ever could imagine. Take the time to sit and read this forum, post your feelings...I've been in NC for 4 days and already the people here are helping me. I'm so increadibly sorry for this loss you feel. I am in it too.

[Kevin_D]

MEN DO NOT UNDERSTAND WOMEN! She didn't just decide one day to dump you. Shewasn't lying when she told you that she loved you. She was telling you thetruth when she said she is at a "transitional point" in her life. Andshe was not intentionally trying to "twist the dagger by being so cold anddistant and treating you like a stranger." These are all coping mechanismswomen use to get through and out of painful relationships.

 

I really hate how you almost make it sound like she's the victim. Coping mechanism my ass. Dealing with problems like a 5-year old is not a coping mechanism. Her actions are immature and irresponsible. Most likely she (and your ex) found another guy and wanted to escape from the old relationship with as little drama as possible.

 

Haha. I'm going to use this one if I do something stupid in the future:

 

"Sure, I left my pregnant wife and our two kids for my 20-year old secretary, but that's just my coping mechanism! Women don't understand men! I needed to do that to get out of a painful relationship!"

 

[Snow101]

Flight- thanks, your post made me crack up.

 

Wolverine- no, it wasn't the marriage issue. We talked about it often and she was all for it initially.. And I made it known, tell me when and I'll marry you on the spot. I made it very clear I wanted to marry her and was waiting for her to indicate she was ready. So again it seems I was more into it than her as time went on...

 

Jiivy- Wow, thats a hell of a story. I guess no matter how bad one has it, theres always somebody worse off. I'm sorry for your pains, that is a tough shake...

[Iguanna]

There are some details you don't mention in your posts. Are you from different countries? Different continents? Does she have some different cultural habits? Different religion? It'd help if we knew these details.

 

So I'll tell you a story. I used to have a friend and he knew this girl (almost 20 years younger than him) through an online game, they were in different countries. They started playing together, she treated him badly, made fun at him with her friends, but I don't know how, he managed to make her visit him and they started a long distance "relationship". He paid for everything, he bought her gifts, he gave her money, he even paid for her telephone bill, he spent thousands of euros for her. She was accepting all these things cause she liked it. She wasn't treating him good, she used to break up with him, disappear and then come back when she needed something. This lasted for like 8 years. He never met anyone else cause he (thought he) loved her, and she was using him. When I met him it was the time she had abandoned him again, deleted him from everywhere, block his phone etc. He was a miserable man, but he was starting to recover, with also my help. I have spent hours talking and explaining to him that she was just using him. After 2-3 months I knew him, she reappeared. He took the bait. Of course she should have said some excuses and he believed her again. I think she disappeared again after some time. That's what she does.

 

Why am I saying this story? Your story reminded me of this friend's story. And I want to ask: are you sure you had a relationship? Was she maybe just using you to have free trips to your country, gifts, etc? You said you used to have conversations every day. Something doesn't sit right with me. Why didn't you try to go to her country for some time, see how it goes? Have you met her parents? Her friends? Were you maybe a LDR and she had another "real life" relationship where she lived? She wanted to settle down but you were expecting from her to give you the OK to marry her. This doesn't make sense.

 

And something else: were you too clingy? I hate this word but I know some people can get really annoying. This friend of mine was like this. He would spend hours stalking her facebook, her steam, every social network she had. How was your every day relationship when you were together? Was she giving you details of what she was doing? Is it maybe that you have pushed her too much?

 

I'm not trying to make her the victim. I'm sure she has a reason for ignoring you that hard now, and I want to know why. People do not change that easily and that dramatically. Something changed her. Is it another guy? Is it her parents? Maybe they told her to leave you and find another guy in her country? Did you scare her by going to her town? Maybe she is afraid of you, that you won't stop stalking her. How many e-mails or texts have you sent her in these 8 months?

 

I have an experience of a LDR that ended like this. What helped me was, I went to vacation with friends and these friends helped me get over him. I decided that it's not worth it that I ruin my life while he doesn't even care. I started meeting new people, having new hobbies and guess what: I met my future to be husband like this. Now I really feel grateful that this guy left me. He helped me see that a relationship is not talking to a screen and going to bed alone. It's about sharing, touching, feeling, communicating, doing things together. You are too young to predefine that your dating life is over. Do not date yet, but find some hobbies, meet some new people, go to a trip etc. Convince yourself that she was not worth it. And remember what a song from my country says: Whoever knows how to love, also knows how to break up. Both with dignity. Good luck.

[TigerLilly78]

Ok I went thu your entire 1st post op and my honest gut feeling she found some one else cause of the distance. No matter how perfectly matched two people may be at some point the relationship needs to grow. And maybe after 5 years it just wasn't working for her anymore?

 

My guess she was prob cold cause she was no longer invested in it and maybe over a bit of guilt about the other guy. Thats all of course speculation sprinkled with women's intuition.

 

Sadly I think she checked out of your relationship way before it ended she should have given you the respect to sit you down like an adult and explain this to you. Believe me im one of those people like yourself who need an explanation or an answer to move on and its not easy when we don't get one.

 

So yeah thats my best guess on why she did what she did far as moving on I wish I had something more to say other then it will take time. 8 months after 5 years isn't really that long especially when you were so invested in this women.

[Trimmer]

Similar to Wolverine below, I'm around 50, was married for 13 years before divorcing (plus together another 5 or so before that.)

MEN DO NOT UNDERSTAND WOMEN! She didn't just decide one day to dump you. She probably wasn't lying when she told you that she loved you. She was more than likely telling you the truth when she said she is at a "transitional point" in her life. And I doubt she was intentionally trying to "twist the dagger by being so cold and distant and treating you like a stranger." These are all coping mechanisms women use to get through and out of painful relationships.

I'd also amplify the point that she didn't just flip a switch and decide one day to end it. Most likely it had been building over some period of time, and it finally reached a point where she had to pull the plug. When women get to this point, they have been thinking about it (and yes, hiding it) for a long enough time that once they do pull the plug, they are sure it's over.

 

That's why she could be so sure, so definite, so final. Your feeling that you could fly out there to change her mind was probably based on the idea that it was a sudden, new thing - maybe something hanging in the balance that you could affect.

 

In fact, by that time, it was most likely already a done deal, which is why you also got the uniformly uninterested, chilly reception.

 

I really hate how you almost make it sound like she's the victim. Coping mechanism my ass. Dealing with problems like a 5-year old is not a coping mechanism. Her actions are immature and irresponsible. Most likely she (and your ex) found another guy and wanted to escape from the old relationship with as little drama as possible.

I don't think his post cast her as a victim, although maybe it didn't thrash her as the villain enough for your taste. It explained, but I didn't read it as making excuses. And it did point out some of the "why" that the OP seems to be looking for.

 

Like it or not, those are real possibilities - doesn't make sense to kill the messenger.

 

And actually, if someone's going to end a relationship with me, I'd prefer it to be done with "as little drama as possible." This is going to sound twisted, but I will say that's one thing I appreciate about the way my wife left me - it left no doubt that things were over, and in retrospect, I am sure I would have swung back and forth in that noose of false hope for a long time if she had tried to ease her way out. I'm speaking for myself here, and not the OP, but rip the damn bandaid off - it's just in the way - and let me get on to the task of healing.

 

Having said all that I would agree that her behavior was immature (although I'm not sure where you got "irresponsible..."), but the foundation of her immaturity, to me, was her inability to discuss the state of the relationship as she felt it deteriorating, when it might have been worth discussing. She basically let it rot out from under her without raising her hand for attention, until it was too late.

 

Haha. I'm going to use this one if I do something stupid in the future:

 

"Sure, I left my pregnant wife and our two kids for my 20-year old secretary, but that's just my coping mechanism! Women don't understand men! I needed to do that to get out of a painful relationship!"

I'm sorry, maybe I misunderstood - did the OP and the woman in question have a marriage? Children?

 

I'm not saying you're wrong in your opinion that she was immature in the way she went about it, but you're being a little hysterical using kids and a pregnant wife as an analogy.

 

I'm not defending the way she did it, but I do acknowledge anyone's right to leave a relationship if it's not working for them. (And I'll point out that this one was NOT a marriage, there were NOT kids, and the OP himself points out that after 4-1/2 years, they had still not moved to a "no-distance" relationship.)

 

To the OP: If it sounds like I'm being blunt, please understand that I'm speaking in counterpoint to the poster above - I'm not ripping on you. It sucks to be left, especially with little or no explanation, (or even worse, BS-sounding contradictory lines, that sound like they are just being tossed out there...) and with no hope of discussion or reconciliation. I'm sorry for your loss, but I do think that it is a lost situation - one that had probably been building over some time, and that's why it seemed so sudden, certain, and final.

[Snow101]

Iguanna: to answer your post...

 

I live in the Midwest, she lives on the West Coast. And..yes we visited back and forth, and no it was an actual relationship, I wasn't her sugar daddy or online only buddy or something like that. We both speak English and she wasn't my Russian/Chinese mail order bride or something.

 

And clingy? No, I'm not clingy. And my attempts to contact her afterwards have been infrequent, and always respectful and courteous. I'm not stalking her or threatening her or anything like that. I'm not calling her 50 times at 3 am. She is not afraid of me, I'm not that type at all. I've never threatened her in any way , ever.

 

I wasn't a doormat but I loved this woman with all my heart, and she knew that. And like I said, her views on marriage were wishy-washy. I told her I would ask her formally whenever she was ready...it VERY clearly was not a problem of her wanting me to ask, but me not doing it, that wasn't the scenario.

 

And Trimmer, thanks for the post.

 

I don't know its hard to know what the hell she is thinking. She has a problem communicating her feelings. She can be wishy-washy and passive aggressive. She hates confrontation. All of which means I probably will never get a conversation about this.

 

This all boils down to one thing I hate about life. Its anti-climatic. Some part of me hates that I got hurt so bad and have absolutely nothing to show for it and she doesn't even care.

 

Can I get a medal or something? The Distinguished "Loved and Lost" Cross with oak leaves?

Edited March 14, 2014 by Snow101

[Iguanna]

Snow, thank you for answering my questions. You saying she doesn't like confrontation said it all. She wants to avoid the drama and she thinks she's given you enough explanation. After 8 months I guess she already has a different life. But I want to ask you, why did you say this? : "When I think about all the sweet and nice things I did for her, all the gifts and presents and money and expensive trips, and all the endless convos we had for hours every single day nearly, to think that all amounts to nothing at all, that just kills me.". Why do you get to think about the amount of money you've spent? I find it weird, cause you say you love her. I don't see any connection between love and money.

 

Anyway, you can't do anything more. It sucks not having closure, not having an answer. I want you to read this thread of another poster, in there you can read some things that may be helpful for you.

[Snow101]

I don't care about the money...disregard that line I shouldn't have said it. I was trying (and failing) to say its like damn...after everything I poured into this doesn't she feel the slightest obligation to me?

Edited March 14, 2014 by Snow101

[Iguanna]

I understand you. I'm sorry you are going through this. Posting here may also help you, you'll see you are not alone on this.

[Snow101]

Thanks Iguanna.

 

I just need to rid myself of the foolish notion that she is my "ONE TRUE LOVE" (da da DUM!) and anyday now shes going to realize that we are meant to be, and call me up in tears and telling me how sorry she is, and shes going to heal all wounds, and make it up to me.

 

[Iguanna]

Thanks Iguanna.

 

I just need to rid myself of the foolish notion that she is my "ONE TRUE LOVE" (da da DUM!) and anyday now shes going to realize that we are meant to be, and call me up in tears and telling me how sorry she is, and shes going to heal all wounds, and make it up to me.

 

 

Yes I had that "dream" as well, that he would see I'm the one for him and come back to me begging me to take him back. But you know what? After some time, you stop caring. After you've accepted that this was not meant to be and that you have yourself to take care of now. After you've allowed yourself to have fun, to love again, to enjoy life again. Then, you won't care.

[Snow101]

Thanks. I hope thats true. I pray for the day I don't care. But of course I also dread it.

 

I just feel like nobody on the planet is going to love her, understand her, or offer more to her than me. The thought of some ******* abusing her or making her feel bad, or taking advantage of her, or unhappy drives me crazy. But I guess I can't care about that....

Edited March 14, 2014 by Snow101

[Itspointless]

Your story gave me the chills. My story is quite different, also my story with her was just beginning. She had medical issues that reappeared, I noticed she was scared, and I knew she had trust issues. She was very private and could often say out of the blue that she did not want to talk about personal things (and not only to me). Long story short, when her problems became serious she cut me off.

 

Just as you I flew to her as she agreed, that date was already fixed for two months. She told me she wanted to fix her problems alone. She acknowledged after some thinking that she probably had suppressed her feelings about us, as only few weeks before she still missed me. On another moment she told me how a psychologist once had confirmed her way of auto-regulating. We spent two days together, it was so weird being around her while she was emotionally and physically as distant as she could be. We still did manage to have some fun together. I was devastated though, especially when the moment came to return home.

 

I am starting to feel much better, but it still hurts me to think about her. The fact that she pushes away when faced with problems still frustrates me. Also thinking back about that trip and how I felt sometimes nauseates me. She contacted me last month asking about me and giving me a one sentence update. After that she just wished me a great time ...

 

Your story makes me wonder if there was an earlier moment in your relation where she was faced with personal problems, or problems with her family? And have you considered the possibly that she might have been depressed?

 

I hope you will be feeling somewhat better soon.

[Snow101]

Thank you Pointless...and yeah just like you I get nauseous thinking of that trip I took...it really was like a trip to Hades and I still have nightmares about it.

 

And yes, she has bouts of depression. She also is stubborn as hell and likes to feel like she doesn't need anybody except herself to rely upon.

Edited March 16, 2014 by Snow101

[Itspointless]

And yes, she has bouts of depression. She also is stubborn as hell and likes to feel like she doesn't need anybody except herself to rely upon.

Well I know nothing about your ex, but the fact that she only wants to rely on herself has a very familiar ring to it. My ex learned as a child that she couldn't rely on others but herself. It made her avoidantly attached. Behaviour that became clear with stress. I found also a story here of someone (GreenPolicy) who was left out of the blue when engaged, due to fact that she turned out to be avoidant-dismissive. Also depression can cause people to withdraw. Not saying these images fit your ex, but perhaps it can provide you with some answers.