4+ year distance relationship; she ends it in a moment

[sooshi]

Snow101, I really feel for you. I was also in a long-distance relationship/engagement, and shortly after he ended it, he pursued my best friend (who he has never even met and has hardly ever spoken to) even though she's in a relationship. I supported him soooooo much and loved so much deeply throughout our years of friendship and relationship and now he has shut me out completely, with no word, and told my best friend how he doesn't know if he can ever be a part of my life again, and I will probably never hear from him again or know why he has decided to shut me out. Those are some of the ways I can relate to what you've gone through.

 

It was so heartless of this girl to allow you to go and see her, only to be so distant and cold around you. My ex-fiance was like that during the last few days of our time together, and I left earlier than planned. It really sucked. I also have a hard time thinking I'll ever love someone like I have loved him, but let's give ourselves that chance, to love someone who truly cares about us and wants to be with us.

[Snow101]

Sooshi, that is really bad...so hes trying to start another long distance relationship with your friend? That sounds very revenge motivated.

 

 

I'm having a bad day again. You know one thing I don't get is why she won't even grace me with saying she doesn't want to talk and she's said all shes going to say, if thats really whats going on. I've given her that option.... I just don't get why she can't take five seconds to do that much at least for me...it would help. What kind of person can just sit there idly knowing that I'm hurting and do nothing? I just don't get it. Who is this person?

 

I just know that if the roles were reversed there is no way I could sit there knowing the other person is going through Hell, and just do nothing at all about it.

[doublea]

Snow - man you and I sound like a very similar type personality. I just posted my first question ever and it is very similar. 6 years in Long distance and same sh*t happened to me and I am the same way in that I could dwell on this forever without any answers. And like me, i dont think you will get the answers - not all of them and if you did get her to talk, I doubt she will tell the truth...My GF was acting the same way and it turned out to be another guy - probably not what you want to hear....I understand what you are feeling, because I am right there with you. I wish you the best, as I know this is crushing especially for people with big hearts like ours....

[Snow101]

Thanks DoubleA. I don't think its another guy in my case, I really don't. She isn't the type... and she honestly seems so independent/stubborn and "I don't need love" that she might even prefer being single than dealing with any kind of relationship...I would be surprised if she jumped right away into another relationship. Of course, this is me talking and I'm biased, stupid, a hopeless romantic idiotic guy, and i love her. And somehow despite me feeling like I knew her completely, she has proven me wrong on that score before, so maybe I have no idea WTF I'm talking about, and she has had five bfs since me.

 

But I guess if it was another guy, at least I'd like to know that for sure.And in some ways it might help me get over her, that she would betray me and then not even have the balls to be clear about it? That she could be so hypocritical? I've tried so hard to hate her for throwing me to the wolves but so far I can't do it, even after the way she treated me, I think I could forgive her deep down. Just like I know if she called me tonight I'd ultimately forgive her even though I know logically that I would be wise and correct to never give her another chance.

 

DoubleA, I'd focus on the fact that you know what went down and you have clear evidence she wronged you, and focus on that.

[doublea]

Snow - well, I hope it isnt for your sake...I am much like you as a hopeless/big hearted guy....and I do love my girl beyond measure. I would have done anything for her, as you stated. It is hypocritical, as she or any other person would want that respect in return. It only appears that people care when it is important to them. I think its good you can forgive, but forgetting is the hard part. You sound like a great guy and maybe focus on finding someone worthy of your heart. When is the last time yall spoke?

 

I am trying to focus on that, but knowing a girl that you love has had sex with another person is beyond hurtful and I can barely stand the thought of it without being enraged.....

[Snow101]

Yeah...no doubt about it Doublea, in your shoes I'd be devastated and enraged too. But at least you know what happened, and maybe you can use the cheating as a motivator to get over it and her. I think if you deeply love someone you kinda have this distorted image of them, and you put them on the pedestal, and you become so quick to forgive them.

 

Maybe you gotta learn to hate her to get over her? Some people would say thats a bad destructive road to take but I personally would be willing to use any means necessary at this point, to not feel this ache.

 

Oh and the last we spoke was late august...

 

I don't know. I wonder myself if in my situation, if I knew she cheated or was with someone else already, would that help me get over her? I think it would, but maybe my idiotic brain would excuse that too, and I'll still be willing to look past it?

 

I don't know anything

[doublea]

I think I do hate her, but love her at the same time. Since you havent spoke since August, how is that going? Easier or is it hard not to call?? I sent her a text today saying we needed to talk and this wasnt right, but I dont think she will answer....I am just so depressed and crushed....

 

I dont know if it helps get over someone, I think it is worse...or that is how I feel...knowing that she said she was struggling with us breaking up and not seeing anyone...it hurts beyond measure.....it just hurts.

[mangetout]

Snow all I can say is time will heal you. I have gone through many heartaches ( currently in one now) and survived them all ( and will survive this current BU too).

 

I use to be married a while back. We were married for ten years and in the 9th year he cheated on me. I was heartbroken! We separated immediately and he then started up a relationship with another women during the separation. Double heartache! He then proceeded to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore.OMG the pain was excruciating.

 

It was my darkest moment in life. I turned into a desperate pleading woman, begging for him back. I drank like an alcoholic, couldn't eat sleep talk live! I was like this for months on end. But then I woke up one morning and said ENOUGH! The day I stopped putting him on a pedestal is the day I started feeling better.

 

This was a while back and now I have absolutely no feelings for my ex husband at all. I truly don't care for him. I can't even remember my feelings for him anymore.

 

That's what time does so take comfort that it will get easier for you.

[Trimmer]

I think if you deeply love someone you kinda have this distorted image of them, and you put them on the pedestal, and you become so quick to forgive them.

Indeed. Often what we are mourning when we lose someone isn't so much who they really are now, as we are mourning our fantasy version of them.

 

Maybe you gotta learn to hate her to get over her? Some people would say thats a bad destructive road to take but I personally would be willing to use any means necessary at this point, to not feel this ache.

Well, anger is one of the typical emotions of loss, so it's not at all inappropriate. The problem is when you get stuck there - if you don't make progress and anger becomes the only way you can deal with life, if the anger takes root permanently and you become bitter yourself.

 

The ultimate goal is indifference, which means you can go on with your life as your own, independent self, and without a connection to her, whether by love or anger.

 

I don't know. I wonder myself if in my situation, if I knew she cheated or was with someone else already, would that help me get over her? I think it would, but maybe my idiotic brain would excuse that too, and I'll still be willing to look past it?

Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure it would make things easier. I know that not knowing is painful and awful, and in that situation, we tend to think that anything else would be "better." But if you did know that she had cheated on you, or was with someone else quickly, believe me, you'd go through a whole new phase of agony, anger, and constant "what if" and "why". And here's the thing: they would remain just as unanswered as the "what ifs" and "whys" you are going through now.

 

It's been since August: in the big picture, nothing about this situation is unclear - she told you it was over, and her behavior since then has been completely clear and consistent with that. I know you probably can't be thankful, per se, but do realize that you have all the information you need to clearly understand the status of your former relationship: it is over; there is no ambiguity there. You don't need one more final conversation with her (believe me, that would likely just open up more "why" and "what if" cans of worms.) You don't need anything from her any more at all.

 

The best you can hope for from her is to know her clear and unambiguous intention with respect to your former relationship, and it seems like you already have that.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh or beat on you - I am very empathetic to your situation - but I am trying to be clear and firm, and to help you see that it's time to turn around, look forward, and start doing the work of breaking that connection.

Edited March 18, 2014 by Trimmer

[somegoodman]

Hey Snow, I think you're turning over a new leaf and transforming into a stronger man, whether you realize it or not. You're starting to come to grips with reality and the true nature of women, and while it took a lot of pain to get to this road, at least you know going forward that you are untouchable.

 

 

Unless you screw up and fall for another, but I trust you won't do that this time.

[Snow101]

Trimmer, thanks for the insightful post. I appreciate it. I appreciate everyone that has posted here and given me intelligent and considerate answers instead of crappy/stupid "youtube comment" style postings. Thank you, it helps.

 

I guess that what you are saying is fairly new to me, Trimmer. I haven't really thought of it that way. I guess I do have all the information that really matters.

 

That's logic talking though...sometimes its hard to be satisfied with just that. It's not emotionally satisfying at all ...especially for someone like me. I've always been someone that wonders and questions and hates vagueness and mystery. I'm not good with not knowing things.

 

I should have been a detective. This thing is like one of those cases a detective gets that haunts their whole career and they get obsessed with finding out the answers and can't let it go even if it destroys their life.

 

I think one of my biggest problems with the mystery of it all is that, deep down, there is this kernel of hope. It's whispering in the back of my mind saying:

 

She hasn't contacted you because shes confused and torn and doesn't want to say anything yet, and close the book. Soon enough she will start to contact you, when she gets out there in the world again, shes going to remember why she liked you so much at the start. Shes going to wade into the sea of shallow players and jerks and scumbags, and she will remember you. The guy that didn't commit some horrible crime against her that forced her to leave, the one that was madly in love with, the one she simply gave up on. The guy that fought for her love, and tried his damndest to keep her. Shes going to realize that we never definitely proved we cannot work and shes going to feel refreshed enough to try it again, one more time for good or ill. Someday she is going to miss you, how could she not?

 

Rationalization is one of the strongest human drives, is it not?

 

I don't have much pride left but somewhere deep down I somehow still have this belief that it's impossible for her to meet someone that is going to bring more to the table than me. I feel like nobody else is going to understand her, cherish her, or love her more than me, so how can I be replaced? I don't know how I can feel that when I have every reason not to believe it. Like I said, I'm a romantic and a fool. For all I know she already hooked up with some idiot that barely knows a thing about her, but he's hot and THERE, and c'est la vie, sorry my friend, you lose.

 

I just know shes stubborn. And slow. Not mentally, she is one of the smartest women I've ever met, but she takes things and decisions at a deliberate, glacial pace. Shes like a human Ent.

 

I just can't get over the fact that she could just abandon it like this. Why can't she just take a few minutes to write me a letter and explain some things and put the nail in the coffin that its really, truly over? I just can't get over trusting someone and feeling so certain they were better than this, and being proven wrong daily.... She knows me, she knows that this is like my worst nightmare, to not know and to be given this kind of indifference. It really makes me feel like just totally abandoning the concept that people can be trusted and can be counted on when you need them the most.

 

 

Hey Snow, I think you're turning over a new leaf and transforming into a stronger man, whether you realize it or not. You're starting to come to grips with reality and the true nature of women, and while it took a lot of pain to get to this road, at least you know going forward that you are untouchable.

 

 

Unless you screw up and fall for another, but I trust you won't do that this time.

 

 

LOL! I dunno if I'm turning into a stronger man. I've never felt so weak or unsure of myself ever in my life.

 

Yet I do realize if somehow I survive this and don't die on the road to recovery, my soul is going to be forged out of industrial grade diamond, I just don't know if thats what I want to be...

 

And...I hate to think that the answer is to become bitter and cynical towards women. I don't want to have to hate them to get over this. I don't want to have to become a player that never ever commits emotionally. Because where will that leave me? That seems to eliminate any chance of ever being with someone in a good relationship...

 

But again, I don't know anything....

[somegoodman]

 

 

 

 

LOL! I dunno if I'm turning into a stronger man. I've never felt so weak or unsure of myself ever in my life.

 

 

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

 

 

 

And...I hate to think that the answer is to become bitter and cynical towards women. I don't want to have to hate them to get over this. I don't want to have to become a player that never ever commits emotionally. Because where will that leave me? That seems to eliminate any chance of ever being with someone in a good relationship...

 

But again, I don't know anything....

 

 

Sometimes it is the right answer to be cynical and untrusting. Think of how many times you've been burned. Like you said, you are a decent guy that's always wanted a loving and trusting relationship. Look where it has gotten you.

 

 

The truth is often dark and hard to face...but it doesn't make it any less true.

[Lady2163]

I'm sorry you're going through all this....hugs, it will get better.

 

I'm dealing with something sort of similar. A friend of mine was dumped by her boyfriend in January. He was ready to call it quits back in October. He knew it wasn't working out, it wouldn't work out, but didn't want to ruin the holidays for her. Yet, he checked out long before he actually ended it. So, ten weeks after break up, he is in a lot better place than she is.

 

 

Now, that said....Here's my blunt comments....

 

4.5 in a long distance relationship? Really? I know there are people who do this longer, but if I was with a guy and after 18 months, of a ldr, we didn't have a game plan of who was moving where and when, I'd give it up, definitely if it was in the same country.

 

I know you're younger than I am. I know you may not have as much financial stability and security as I do, but unless you both had children in your respective areas or had dying parents, anything else is just an excuse.

 

I guess if it were me, I would have taken a 3 or 4 month leave of absence from work two plus years ago to go to her area and see how a trial period of living together went. I've always been able to find work, just sometimes it has been snow shoveling, yard mowing, not real fun work.

 

But saying what you should have done doesn't really help you today. So, getting off the soapbox now..

 

I did read your post and feel your sadness. I hope you have some friends and family,providing support. Time will help. I worked in an office with a variety of counselors and one of them used to tell all of her clients, "do one nice thing for yourself everyday."

 

Good luck to you.

Good luck

[somegoodman]

Also, Snow, I want to leave this link here for you. Up to you if you want to take the advice given, as it can be a bitter pill to swallow. But I think after everything you've been through you will find a lot of truth in this.

 

 

Relational Equity |

[Itspointless]

Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure it would make things easier. I know that not knowing is painful and awful, and in that situation, we tend to think that anything else would be "better." But if you did know that she had cheated on you, or was with someone else quickly, believe me, you'd go through a whole new phase of agony, anger, and constant "what if" and "why". And here's the thing: they would remain just as unanswered as the "what ifs" and "whys" you are going through now.

True. It gives a more definite feeling though.

[Trimmer]

True. It gives a more definite feeling though.

If you're saying that from personal experience, then I won't argue, but if not, is there anyone else willing to step up and say "Yes, from personal experience, it was better that my girlfriend left me by cheating, because it gave me a more definite feeling?"

 

I think it's going to be painful either way, and "more definite" is of little solace, whichever way it goes. Don't be so sure it would be helpful to hear that she had cheated or left you for someone else. In the midst of pain, we often wish for "anything else" and imagine that anything must be better than this. And I say that as someone who has been cheated on, and had my wife leave me for someone else. Yeah, it was "more definite," that's for sure. Be careful what you wish for.

 

My point to the OP is that there is nothing indefinite or ambiguous about her statements at the time she called it off, about her behavior when he went to see her, or her intentional lack of contact since then. How much more 'definite' do you need? Is it really helpful to receive an extra whack in the balls with a piece of lumber, when it's already clear what's going on anyway?

Edited March 18, 2014 by Trimmer

[Itspointless]

I am not saying it is better. My first girlfriend had a psychotic evening that I witnessed. The day after she went to an reunion, I was worried sick about her. The day after the reunion she told me she wanted a break, without an explanation. A week later she broke up with me, again no explanation. A few weeks later I found out that the night at the reunion she had crashed into someone else his arms. Not sure what they have done together, next to kissing. When I found out I knew I had some pride left to know where I should draw the line for myself. I never told her I found out. Knowing this wasn't any better than not knowing when she broke up. Both states were just as horrible to be into.

[Snow101]

Also, Snow, I want to leave this link here for you. Up to you if you want to take the advice given, as it can be a bitter pill to swallow. But I think after everything you've been through you will find a lot of truth in this.

 

 

Relational Equity |

 

Ouch. That article....if that is true it, makes me want to throw my hands up and say "I QUIT,I DON'T GET IT, I'M DONE. GOODNIGHT"

[Snow101]

Damn, last night was another zero sleep one. Started thinking of her, fell into the pit and getting sadder and angrier and more frustrated. I am seriously in trouble here folks, its like all this time has passed but it still feels like it happened yesterday, and I don't feel one step closer to recovery.

 

Can somebody just smack me? Tell me that no matter what, I cannot get her to tell me anything? No matter how brilliant and irrefutable my logical arguments might be, that won't matter to her? No matter how incredibly well written my letters are that won't sway her? And even if she did talk to me it wouldn't help?

 

Why can't I accept? I just seemingly cannot accept that I loved this person, but she doesn't love me anymore, if she ever did- and shes not coming back. And she doesn't care about me enough to spend 5 seconds doing anything to make this any easier.

[Iguanna]

I believe one thing: when someone leaves without explanations, they do it so they can come back without explanations. Or cause they don't care about the pain they cause. Either way, you don't want to be with such a person. I know you feel you've lost lots of time from your life, you've had lots of patience and you've made plans with her, but for one reason or the other she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Have you read the thread I told you to read? In there you'll find some advise from me and other people to a person who had similar issue with you. You have to stop caring what she feels - thinks - wants and start thinking what you feel - think - want. Do you want to be someone who begs for a ungrateful woman's word or do you want to be the man who takes his life in his own hands and makes his future better? I know this may sound cliche, but the time you spend in your house dreaming about a bad woman, a good woman is in her own house wishing she could meet a good guy like you. Stop letting your life pass by like this. Just stop. Wake up. Time won't come back. This very day won't come back. Seize the day and be a better person NOW.

[Monopoly]

Hey Snow,

 

I was also in a LDR for a while, and went to see my ex to her city. When I came back to mine, she dumped me out of the blue and still today without any reason. I guess she just pretended all this last trip to be fine. I can't say that you are more lucky than me but if that's any comfort, at least you kinda knew what was happening, no?

It doesn't make it less hurtful for sure and everything you describe, I can relate to it. That infinite love, that trust, she's the one...Then you wonder, how much do you really know of a person? I know the pain you are going through, but time will make it better. It's not an easy path but it's worth it. Stop thinking she is so special, you are. I thought I wouldn't be anything without her but you know what? It's her loss. So many people do their best in a relationship, none of us is perfect but we gave everything and this is what we get in return? As you said, she probably won't spend 5 seconds doing anything to make this any easier, you just need to live with it. Please don't let anger eats you, you have to get your sleep and life back !

[EuTuBrute]

This tread hits close to home. My ex gf dumped me out of the blue after a 2.5 year relationship. She was sooo cold. I almost couldn't believe it. The girl that i loved treated me so badly.

 

I went into deep depression. Dreaming of the day she would call me and say she made a mistake. I got that phone call 7 months post break up, saying she wanted to meet for coffee. Guess what...she blew me off again very coldly.

 

The funny part is that she is still single and posts on facebook that she cant find love (please dont lecture me on removing her on facebook).

 

She had a man that loved her with all his heart. The world is cruel sometimes.

[ponchsox]

One thing I've learned about women over the years is once they make up their mind, there's no turning back. Once they justify a decision, they will almost never change their mind. Sorry to hear your struggles. Just keep trucking, my friend. You will meet someone better.

[Snow101]

I am hesitant to say I made some sort of progress because that seems to send a direct signal to the universe that I'm getting cocky and its time to smack me down again, but I do feel like maybe I'm making a little bit of progress after another hellish night.

 

I was really hurting yesterday...just bad. You know this whole thing has taken me down a dark path where I'm questioning everything, all the big classic questions, and obsessing over the meaning of life and existence and fate vs. free will, God vs. no god exists, the infinite mysteries of women, the nature of happiness ..etc. etc. on and on.

 

Went straight from work to a bar. And I see this old broken down guy in his 60's. Obviously not married. Drunk as hell and its not even dark outside yet. And he's obnoxiously hitting on the cute bartender girls that are probably 40 years younger than him. It was sad and pathetic...and I was like "oh #$@^%, that could be you buddy down the line"... if I don't pull myself out of this death spiral...

 

That little epiphany didn't stop me from going home and getting reacquainted with my old friend Jack Daniels. So I did the typical things...got drunk, listened to sad songs, thought about her, had another lengthy debate with myself about what went wrong or what I should have done, cried...contemplated calling her and leaving one final brilliant voice-mail that would surely turn her around, etc etc. But I didn't do anything except drown my blues.

 

So of course I woke up hungover and feeling like crap , and right away, as soon as I wake up I start the questions and self-torture again. And I finally kinda felt like...ok..enough is enough, stop, stop doing this. I can't keep on living this way.

 

Hopefully I had some kinda breakthrough. I'm going to try hard to not think of this stuff and stop fighting the battles over and over again in my mind. I just gotta let it go and not be bitter, not be cynical, not be hopeless.

 

I love her, still do despite it all, and I don't know how to stop that, but I gotta accept that she must not love me or care that much about me. I guess I was wrong about her and who she was. Since Murphy's law seems to be the guiding principle of the universe, she is probably going to turn up again in the future at the worst possible moment. Or not. Who knows?

 

At least I can say I tried, so damn hard.

 

I gotta pick myself up and be strong and brave. I'm not going to let her "win" or ruin my life. I gotta find strength from somewhere to get up. Someday she is going to wake up and realize this was the biggest mistake. I gotta stop killing myself slowly. I know I'm gonna have relapses and bad days but I gotta be tough on myself and power through this, somehow.