SHould I stay or should I go? He wants to wait!

[Shelly_Marie]

So we've been together for close to 3 years. I am 31 and he is 43, we've both been married before, I for just 2 years and he for almost 20 years. When we first met he was the ideal boyfriend, loving and constantly expressing his feelings. Then we moved in together a little fast, but it was just meant to be temporary since my apartment was too small and he needed to move...but temporary turned into a year. Soon enough he started to immerse himself into his hobbies and he changed. He decided to get a vasectomy, he just told me he was doing it without my opinion and that hurt me deeply. Not that I wanted kids or anything, but it hurt me because he didn't include me in his decision.

 

After a lot of emotional roller coasters and thinking, I stayed. After all this, we decided to finally get a new place. A few days before moving, he came home saying he couldn't move in together (habing his stuff already moved out the bastard) and he left me. He also said he made a mistake in moving in together so soon, bla bla bla. I was crushed.

 

Two months after our break up we got back together and decided to start again, I had a hard time forgetting the way he left me but I love him so I worked on my issues. Six months later he started saying that we should move in together soon, I refused saying I will not move in until we are married to prevent myself to be hurt and prevent what happened before. He agreed and now a year after being back together, feeling anxious and a bit confused, I had the talk about marriage. He said he was not ready and that he wants to get to know me more and do more stuff together, but I just can' understand! I even asked him how long will he be ready and he didn't give me an answer.

 

All want to know is if this is something that I should be patient with or if honestly he will never be ready. We are not 20 year olds, he is in his 40's! I don't understand how much more he wants t get to know me if we've been together for 3 years!?

 

Help!

[Hope Shimmers]

I think you should move on. If after three years he is still waffling, I don't think he intends to marry you.

 

Also, given how difficult it was to live together the first time, this should be a red flag... believe me, things just get more difficult after marriage.

[No Limit]

Read your own post again. There are so many pirate ships with red flags waving about. My advice; don't do it.

[preraph]

I think the vascectomy deal is fine because it's his body and he did tell you. Now, if you want kids, obviously, this is a dead-end street and you should move on. But you say you don't.

 

He obviously didn't think you were the one and moved on to see if he could do better, arming himself with a vasectomy first, which was a responsible thing to do. But then I'm sure he soon discovered no young hot tootsies were going to sign up with him because he's old AND isn't going to father children. So now he's back.

 

Why you are pressuring him for marriage is beyond me. He is still saying he doesn't know you well enough to marry you. I think he just wants to keep his options open. He is not ready to commit. If you force him into it, he'll have resentment. Don't you deserve a man who wants to commit to you? That said, it is quite difficult finding a childfree man (who doesn't want or already have kids), so I'm not about to tell you there's plenty out there, because I'm on those childfree boards, and there's not!

 

Here's what I would do. I would start dating other men besides him. Don't make a big deal of it. Let him know you're going to date around. He did it. You should do it too and see where it leads. You can still see him too as long as he's up for it. That way you get an idea what else is out there and make it clear to him if he's not committed, neither are you!