azaleagirl Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 I was at my fiance's house while he was at work, we do not reside together. His child came home from school. The child & I get along well. When I walked past the teenager's room to get to another room ( I was not spying)...I smelled marijuana:confused:. I am aware of what it smells like even though I do not use. I tried it in my teens and never used it again. I did not know what to do. Teenager had exhaust fan on in bathroom, which actually blew the smell into the bathroom next to it. It was not my imagination. WHat should I have done? This child has had a rough couple of years due to his bio parents fighting/separating/going back together, etc. This child was caught in a driving age teenagers car earlier in the year , high, smelling of pot, and brought into the police station. Father never punished child. Child was not charged, although the driver was. Fiance does not believe me. WHy would I lie? i am concerned about the child and lack of guidance. I know there is a national debate about the legalization of this...I am asking about a young teenager using it?? I do not have children, so no experince...I care for this child and am probably one of his/her only advocates. Thanks! AG Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 I was 13 the first time I tried it, and 16 before I really started using it habitually. I'll agree 14 Is a little too young, and I'll preface this by saying what my mother did with me is not going to be seen as good advice by everyone, probably most. My mom always said that at least it was crack. As long as I had a job, and kept my grades up, she wouldn't be on me about it. 14 though... Its easy to stop at home If you raid his stash and take his paraphernalia. However... if he goes out and does it, you can't really stop that, you can only punish him for it. And if we are talking punishing a child, that's the parents job. You need to get him on your side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 The bigger problem is that he doesn't believe you, despite his former issue with pot. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 Or you could mess with his head while he's high like my dad use to do... That was kind of trippy... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author azaleagirl Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 Thanks for the responses. I am realistic and know children/teens are going to try things/experiment. Which is normal. This child had been to tha local police station for the same issue...however chld was in the father's friend's older child's vehicle(17 yr old/senior in high school). The child I speak of is in middle school. SO the driver did have charges filed by the police, this child did not. I would have been wild if someone put my child in danger, driving while drinking or smoking pot (if I was a Mom). I would be upset if this occurred w/ my nieces and nephews. The child was NOT punished in anyway for this. AM I too unrealistic or hard headed? I feel him smoking pot the other day was stupid on many reasons....if he was going to do, he should have done it when the 17 yr. old was in the house with him. Because I would have probably blamed him, and had a 50% of being incorrect. There were only two humans in the house at that time...one was me, the other was the chld..I was not using. BTW, older child is savvy as he has his own vaporizer (sp?). Older child is a bit arrogant when speaking with me. Father does not believe this either. The same age children the 14 yr. old has over are all nice, or shy, and goofy....they would not think to be a smart a$$ to me. But the Father seems not to care one way or another. Plus does not believe me. Any suggestions? Thanks. AZ Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 If the father does not care one way or the other, then it really doesn't sound like its your place to butt in. If he did care, he would react accordingly. The older one is probably short with you because I bet you try and mother him, and a teenage boy does not want to be mothered. I'm not really sure what you want to be done exactly? I mean. If they aren't your kids... what can you do? If is relaxed about his kids " using " (please stop referring to it like this, you wouldn't say my son is using tobacco) then is that not his choice.to make as a father? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 his bio parents fighting/separating/going back together, etc How long have you two been together? You say fiance, so there's going to be a marriage, something that the kids (especially older one) may not be ready for. Just a thought as to why the kid is acting out. Though, with that said, tons of kids experiment and smoke, do pot and drink. Your fiance isn't handling it the way you want him to but it's his child. You can give your 2 cents worth but since you're not the child's step mom (yet) your role may not be taken too seriously. I don't mean that meanly, sorry... It's just the kids have their parents, (they still have to co parent together, even though they are apart) to discipline them. What you can be though, is a friend..Someone who listens, someone they can open up to and trust. Build upon that to bond with his kids. Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 If the father does not care one way or the other, then it really doesn't sound like its your place to butt in. If he did care, he would react accordingly. The older one is probably short with you because I bet you try and mother him, and a teenage boy does not want to be mothered. I'm not really sure what you want to be done exactly? I mean. If they aren't your kids... what can you do? If is relaxed about his kids " using " (please stop referring to it like this, you wouldn't say my son is using tobacco) then is that not his choice.to make as a father? My ex-bf was like this in a similar situation. One of the reasons I left him is because he and his son were putting MY property at risk by smoking in a house that was partly mine (While I was away) and I could have been made homeless through their actions. Everything could have been confiscated in the state I'm in and earlier in the state we were in previously. Someone who cares what happens to you or your stuff will not do this. IF they do it in spite of caring, doesn't that qualify as an addiction? Anyway, if you're living together, I'd move out and call it quits. Yes, it's the father's decision how to discipline, but it sounds like he's abdicating altogether and that makes the future rather uncertain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 My ex-bf was like this in a similar situation. One of the reasons I left him is because he and his son were putting MY property at risk by smoking in a house that was partly mine (While I was away) and I could have been made homeless through their actions. Everything could have been confiscated in the state I'm in and earlier in the state we were in previously. Someone who cares what happens to you or your stuff will not do this. IF they do it in spite of caring, doesn't that qualify as an addiction? Anyway, if you're living together, I'd move out and call it quits. Yes, it's the father's decision how to discipline, but it sounds like he's abdicating altogether and that makes the future rather uncertain. What state exactly is it that has the right to violate your fourth amendment and take all of your property for smoking pot? I've never heard of such a thing. Not to mention that's far from constitutional. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 What state exactly is it that has the right to violate your fourth amendment and take all of your property for smoking pot? I've never heard of such a thing. Not to mention that's far from constitutional. Drive towards Chicago in a car with a roach and see what happens. They are pretty famous for this, the Police departments there even make money off the confiscated property. OP has another big question on her hands, if this is the kind of dad he is, and she wants kids in the future ... does she really want him ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueSpiral Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Hey. In my line of work i deal with children of the same age, who kind of did worse things. Pretty much all of them are addicted to marihuana as well. I have to say i'm Dutch, so marihuana is very easy to get. The kids i deal with usually come from bad neigbourhoods, have dealt with traumatic experiences or have psychological problems. In psychiatry and social work we call the presence of an addiction acccompanied by other social problems co-morbidity. Professionally, it means FIRST the addiction has to be treated, before the rest of the problems can be adressed in an effective way. Reading your story, it seems to me there are other problems besides the usage of marihuana. Kid came into contact with police at young age? Father doesn't enforce discipline? This seems like a case for a social worker.. What i would advise you, is to keep your head cool, and express your worries in a cool, and polite manner. I think it's very good you feel like that.. kid is young, and his situation might be more complicated than it seems. Problems can grow from that, and it's very important somebody gives direction to this kid and his father. I wouldn't worry about the marihuana itself too much. More important is the WHY and HOW. Getting high might be just a way of supressing the real problem that needs to be adressed. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Thanks for the responses. I am realistic and know children/teens are going to try things/experiment. Which is normal. This child had been to tha local police station for the same issue...however chld was in the father's friend's older child's vehicle(17 yr old/senior in high school). The child I speak of is in middle school. SO the driver did have charges filed by the police, this child did not. I would have been wild if someone put my child in danger, driving while drinking or smoking pot (if I was a Mom). I would be upset if this occurred w/ my nieces and nephews. The child was NOT punished in anyway for this. AM I too unrealistic or hard headed? I feel him smoking pot the other day was stupid on many reasons....if he was going to do, he should have done it when the 17 yr. old was in the house with him. Because I would have probably blamed him, and had a 50% of being incorrect. There were only two humans in the house at that time...one was me, the other was the chld..I was not using. BTW, older child is savvy as he has his own vaporizer (sp?). Older child is a bit arrogant when speaking with me. Father does not believe this either. The same age children the 14 yr. old has over are all nice, or shy, and goofy....they would not think to be a smart a$$ to me. But the Father seems not to care one way or another. Plus does not believe me. Any suggestions? Thanks. AZ What the child does or doesn't do isn't really your business. If you marry this guy - expect life to be hell. He doesn't believe you. He doesn't respect you. It's his duty to take care of his kids while they are young(ish). You two don't parent the same way. If you marry - wait until his youngest is 23-25 years old. Stay out of it in the mean time. You aren't their parent and will be reminded of that fact. If you don't like their behavior in their house - then be sure and stay at your own place instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 What the child does or doesn't do isn't really your business. If you marry this guy - expect life to be hell. He doesn't believe you. He doesn't respect you. It's his duty to take care of his kids while they are young(ish). You two don't parent the same way. If you marry - wait until his youngest is 23-25 years old. Stay out of it in the mean time. You aren't their parent and will be reminded of that fact. If you don't like their behavior in their house - then be sure and stay at your own place instead. In the USA, if you knowingly turn a blind eye to illegal substance you are equally accountable should that minor be harmed. Major lawsuits have arose because folks with the mentality- "Its not my child its not my responsibility" stood by. Alcohol party's for minors being one example. So the fact that this OP wishes to confide in this childs behavior of illegal substance goes beyond "parenting" , its common sense. One drug leads to others....this is not "experimenting" with a grade at the end of class.... Link to post Share on other sites
tuffteens Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 I know you were trying to do the right thing but the phrase kill the messenger comes to mind. The dad is going to get defensive and not believe you, the child is going to hate you for butting in. Nothing really good can come of this. The dad will catch on sooner or later, although from teh sounds of it he's not the type to really take action or take it seriously anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Does the bio Mom or Dad have drug or alcohol addictions? The reason I ask is because your fiancé not believing you after his son was already caught and brought into a police station earlier in the year for being high while riding in a car with older teenagers indicates that he either condones it or is in complete denial. Did your fiancé explain to you why he doesn't believe you? Do you really want to marry someone that doesn't believe you and isn't a good parent? Link to post Share on other sites
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