Uneven heartbreak

[inappfriendly]

I hate days off of work. I think too much when I am alone!Today's thought is similar to a bunch posted before: Who hurts most post-A?

 

 

After DDay and (a brief period of contact afterwards), xMM stayed with his W. She fought hard to keep him and it is finally hitting me how hard HE must have fought to stay. Despite everything he said about his broken M. Guess they figured it out, picked up the pieces, and made it work. I know for a fact because I see and hear about them regularly.

 

 

My M, on the otherhand, floundered post DDay. We are moving towards D this year. We tried MC. We talked endlessly. We hysterically bonded. But fundamentally we do not belong together. Our counselor agreed. The issues started well before my A. I feel sadness and remorse for hurting H as deeply as I did and for how things are ending but neither of us has been happy for a very long time.

 

 

While I don't begrudge MM's choice to stay, I wonder if I am still so hurt and broken because my M failed and his didn't. I know it is never easy in any marriage after this sort of betrayal and I don't assume that their lives in any way are easier or better. But I definitely feel like our heartbreak is uneven.

 

 

I wonder if this is part of the reason he has clearly moved on and I am still stuck worrying, wondering, thinking about him all the freaking time. I despise feeling like this. I'm a Libra (tortured by scales and balance) and the inequality is literally killing me!

 

 

Thoughts?

[cozycottagelg]

It's funny (not, haha funny) that would say this, because I feel like if anyone is hurting the most, it's you....however, over on the infidelity board, there are several posts about how the OW gets off scott free while the ones married suffer. Though perhaps his BS is suffering daily and you don't hear about it.

 

I think everyone hurts...and I think it's when you see someone seemingly happy you think that must not be as affected as you. I don't think that's the case though.

[inappfriendly]

You are absolutely right, Cozy.I am in NO WAY trying to have a pity party.

The BS feels the worst. most unimaginable pain. I am not denying that! I am remorseful in my part in his W's suffering as well as any felt by either of our kids. I understand completely how widespread the damage is.

 

 

I am just so damn frustrated with myself for not being able to get him out of my heart and just let this go.

[MHN - Nicole]

i'm in the same boat as you. Like right now, i should be working right? instead I'm reading these posts, looking for a "Eureka!" into how my xMM might be thinking.

the reality as I see it based on my xMM

- he hurts, he misses you. But chances are, he's calculated the risk, and you do not balance out his scale for him to lose 'everything'. It shouldn't be taken personally - chances are he loved you and meant everything he said at the time.

- he probably has / is doing everything he can to avoid D. and faking along the way out of pure survival. He fears the unknown, he fears losing his kids respect, he fears having to live in a crappy apartment and potentially starting over without you part of his life.

 

From a pragmatic standpoint, I get it. Men do a much better job making conscious vs. emotional decisions. that's where we get it all wrong.

the thing is, and what xMM and I continue to discuss, is that ending the A is the best for truly putting forth 100% into our M. That way, any negative fallout is due to you and your BH being incompatible, etc. OM / OW is no longer a distraction / Plan B.

 

Yeah i would love to hear that xMM left his W and wanted to be with me. for my own validation and to fulfill the lingering feelings i still have. But i'd much rather know that he did everything he could to pull it together, to be a good husband and father, and gave it all his efforts, and that those efforts failed without me being a pull for him to go elsewhere for comfort.

 

Is your decision to D truly nothing to do with potential of Plan B with your MM? I know the pull of single life can seem exciting, but wtih kids, its not going to be like when we were 20. Look at your life - what do you have, what do you want, for you and your family?

[Waverly]

I hate days off of work. I think too much when I am alone!Today's thought is similar to a bunch posted before: Who hurts most post-A?

 

 

After DDay and (a brief period of contact afterwards), xMM stayed with his W. She fought hard to keep him and it is finally hitting me how hard HE must have fought to stay. Despite everything he said about his broken M. Guess they figured it out, picked up the pieces, and made it work. I know for a fact because I see and hear about them regularly.

 

 

My M, on the otherhand, floundered post DDay. We are moving towards D this year. We tried MC. We talked endlessly. We hysterically bonded. But fundamentally we do not belong together. Our counselor agreed. The issues started well before my A. I feel sadness and remorse for hurting H as deeply as I did and for how things are ending but neither of us has been happy for a very long time.

 

 

While I don't begrudge MM's choice to stay, I wonder if I am still so hurt and broken because my M failed and his didn't. I know it is never easy in any marriage after this sort of betrayal and I don't assume that their lives in any way are easier or better. But I definitely feel like our heartbreak is uneven.

 

 

I wonder if this is part of the reason he has clearly moved on and I am still stuck worrying, wondering, thinking about him all the freaking time. I despise feeling like this. I'm a Libra (tortured by scales and balance) and the inequality is literally killing me!

 

 

Thoughts?

 

 

I so hear you on all of this. We didn't have a D-day, so it's a little bit different, but the reactions I've been having are pretty similar. There was no way for us to be together, and I get that, rationally, but all of my emotions are still screaming at me that there must have been some way, and I'm still having such a hard time letting go of my xAP. He, on the other hand, got to this logical conclusion that we couldn't make it work, and so is trying really really hard to move on. I know he's struggled a lot, and still is, with the whole thing, but he's just so... determined to do it, you know? Like, I'm stuck here thinking that I've f'ed up my entire life, can't fix things, hurting so bad ,etc., etc., and he's there, just hell-bent on muscling his way through until he can say he's 100% moved on.

 

In general, we fit those male/female stereotypes in some ways: I'm emotional and clingy and he's rational and logical. This actually caused a ton of stress and fighting over the last few months (up until recently, we were still in daily contact); I felt like him trying to move on meant that he was just fine and dandy with how things worked out; he, on the other hand, felt like this was just the way things were and he had to make the best of it, whether he liked it or not. I know that this isn't how he wanted things to go, and that things aren't great for him right now. But I can't help have this reaction where I feel like, if he were really hurting as badly as I was, he wouldn't be so determined to move on.

 

I'm not proud of this, but there is definitely a part of me that resents him for his determination (if not yet his success) in moving on. I know we have to, but it still feels so impossible to me. Even though I'm not headed for divorce at the moment, I have no idea what will happen with my marriage. I can't imagine continuing to live like this, so part of me feels this inevitability about it. I know he is 100% determined to be with his kids full-time, and the only way that can happen is if he stays married, so I know there's no other option for him -- he'll stay married, at whatever cost.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Just as you came to a place of acceptance regarding your own marriage, you will have to accept that your xMM decided his marriage was more important than the relationship he had with you.

 

People can speculate on his reasons why. Some of those reasons keep the door open for you (he is faking, for his kids, he still pines for you, etc). If you hold onto those, it will keep a door open in your heart. And you will long for him to walk through that door. Other reasons close the door (he loves his wife, he regrets the affair, etc). In accepting the close door reasons, it allows you to see and feel the end. Much easier to move forward.

 

You don't need him to give you closure, give it to yourself. Give yourself the gift of acceptance and closure for both your marriage and affair. Clean your slate.....your life is waiting for you.

[Waverly]

People can speculate on his reasons why. Some of those reasons keep the door open for you (he is faking, for his kids, he still pines for you, etc). If you hold onto those, it will keep a door open in your heart. And you will long for him to walk through that door. Other reasons close the door (he loves his wife, he regrets the affair, etc). In accepting the close door reasons, it allows you to see and feel the end. Much easier to move forward.

 

Can I like this x1000? It's SO true. I'm fortunate (?) that I do know the reasons why my A ended, and I genuinely believe them to be true. BUT. Those reasons are also totally stopping me from moving on. It would probably hurt more if it ended because he decided he didn't love me, or that it wasn't worth it, or whatever. But at least it would be definitive.

 

As it is, it ended because it's impossible, and while that's still definitive in a different way, it's made it so so hard to move on from. I know he still feels the same about me. So even though we've "closed the door", I'm finding it really hard (impossible, to be honest) to close it fully in my own mind. Even though, logically, I know there's no way for to ever be together, I can't help but hold onto it. It's so hard.

[whichwayisup]

I know for a fact because I see and hear about them regularly.

This also could be a reason as to why he's still in your head. You see and hear about his life/wife/marriage way too much. If you have mutual friends, ask them to please not discuss and bring his name into conversation. Avoid spending a lot of time with those friends a bit if you can until you feel better. Don't ask questions about him either. Out of sight can build to out of mind.

[inappfriendly]

I teach preschoolers and instead of calling out "Me, too!", we teach then to use the ASL sign for "same" when they agree with a classmate. Waverly, I literally made the gesture at the screen when I read your first post. I am such a dork!

 

I also agree with and appreciate your tough love stance, Always. It needed to be said and I needed to hear it. I DO speculate about his reasons for staying. While I am absolutely not holding out any hope, I guess I would prefer that he had a bunch of different family obligations vs. he just wasn't that into me. It hurts a bit less.

 

 

Nicole, your insight was also unbelievably helpful and I question daily whether D is the answer for my M. There is absolutely nothing about single life that appeals to me. The thought of being with someone else nauseates me. But I do not think it is fair for H to be my backup or Plan B. We can't always get what we want out of life. MM was pragmatic to a fault and overused the phrase but it pretty much goes without saying that it is what it is!

 

 

Thank you for the replies

[MissBee]

I hate days off of work. I think too much when I am alone!Today's thought is similar to a bunch posted before: Who hurts most post-A?

 

 

After DDay and (a brief period of contact afterwards), xMM stayed with his W. She fought hard to keep him and it is finally hitting me how hard HE must have fought to stay. Despite everything he said about his broken M. Guess they figured it out, picked up the pieces, and made it work. I know for a fact because I see and hear about them regularly.

 

 

My M, on the otherhand, floundered post DDay. We are moving towards D this year. We tried MC. We talked endlessly. We hysterically bonded. But fundamentally we do not belong together. Our counselor agreed. The issues started well before my A. I feel sadness and remorse for hurting H as deeply as I did and for how things are ending but neither of us has been happy for a very long time.

 

 

While I don't begrudge MM's choice to stay, I wonder if I am still so hurt and broken because my M failed and his didn't. I know it is never easy in any marriage after this sort of betrayal and I don't assume that their lives in any way are easier or better. But I definitely feel like our heartbreak is uneven.

 

 

I wonder if this is part of the reason he has clearly moved on and I am still stuck worrying, wondering, thinking about him all the freaking time. I despise feeling like this. I'm a Libra (tortured by scales and balance) and the inequality is literally killing me!

 

 

Thoughts?

 

If it makes you feel any better: in almost every breakup, (see the Breaks and Breaking Up Forum just to see), there is SOMEONE who feels things are uneven. The funny part is, you have no idea how that person feels or thinks and they have no idea how you feel and think most times, so it is often projection and each person imagining the other moved on and feels so great but basing this entirely on spying on their social media, hearing through the grapevine or other faulty "observations" and mostly their own imagination about what the other person is doing.

 

In my own A, we had NC for a year, never spoke, I assumed he was fine and dandy, a year later he came back and said he wasn't at all fine and dandy. Likewise, in a regular breakup I had, I remember being so tortured by it all but my ex would have been none the wiser as it didn't show on me and it wasn't like I called him up to say I was tortured, neither did I broadcast it on social media. My bestfriend knew I wasn't okay because I confided in her DAILY, LS at the time knew because I came here ever so often, but if he was trying to guess, he would NEVER know, as I was all smiles, trips, living life, and it was business as usual superficially...until over time it became real.

 

Point is: things aren't always as they seem and it's a pointless endeavor to try to measure who feels worse, as what someone feels and thinks in the privacy of their mind and what you're allowed to see second-hand, through the grapevine or even what they say isn't always the same thing. So don't take your one-sided assumptions based on observation as "fact" of what's happening with them.

 

People are trying to survive and move forward as best as they can post a breakup and a big part of it is faking it until you make it. That's the bottom line. I get the feeling though. I have been there myself and I think most people have. It's like one of those breakup cliches. But to keep it in perspective: he has to move on the best he can, so do you, and you have no real idea of how that is for him and what you're judging it by (him staying married and you not) isn't the full picture. In the end this may be the silver lining for you to move on both from your marriage that wasn't working AND an A that wasn't going anywhere.

Edited March 12, 2014 by MissBee

[inappfriendly]

Wise words, MissBee. I know comparing our situations and feelings-hypothetical, perceived, or otherwise- is completely futile.

I look forward to the day when I just don't care!

[FoolishOW]

Actually Innapp... I think it takes an amazing amount of courage to face the fact that your marriage was fundamentally flawed, even before your A, and that divorce may be the best thing you and your husband can do for each other. I don't mean that sarcastically at all. Divorce often allows two people to move forward towards situations that are simply a much better fit for both, and divorce doesn't have to be as nasty or as horrible as the 'War of the Roses'.

 

 

If your marriage isn't going to work, give yourself a pat on the back for having worked at it and ultimately being intelligent enough to realize there's something more for both of you. I get the whole, "but you made vows to each other" and "for better or worse", etc., etc., I really do, but this isn't 1950, and spending the next 30 years together on principle alone is beyond foolish. Divorce isn't fatal, as I'm sure you know, and can often be the most low key, peaceful time... yes, for the kiddo's too. EVERYTHING in life is what you make it! Honestly, I loved raising my 2 boys as a single Mom. We couldn't possibly be any closer, and the stress level in my house was almost non-existent. I had no interest in dating during those years, yet my life was full to the brim everyday, just "doing us".

 

 

My point is... don't be quick to ADD the dissolution of your marriage onto the 'downside' of the scale between you and xMM. For some people, thrilled or not, staying married is just plain easier. You'll never be able to judge their (his) actual level of happiness from a distance. How often do you hear, "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors", or even in his head or his heart. The fact that his marriage survived, and yours may not, DOES NOT correlate to a mark in the 'win' or 'loss' column for either of you. It just doesn't.

 

 

I like your posts, Innapp. I enjoy what you add to any discussion... AND... you work with preschoolers, which means you're kind, patient, sweet, blah blah blah (in my book anyway). My point is, I'm willing to bet that you can't even imagine right now the kind of relationship that's most likely waiting for you on the other side of all this, when the time is exactly right, but I think it's going to be fabulous! So... Who's more hurt after an A ends, you ask? Who gives a sh#t??? Your life is SOOO much better up ahead, so stop looking back and start looking forward. You're NOT going to want to miss it! Promise!!

[inappfriendly]

Oh my goodness, FoolishOW, you brought me to tears.Thank you for your kind words and encouragent. It means more than I can express! It is so easy to get caught up looking backwards that I forget to anticipate what lies again. Probably because it is so uncertain. But choosing the uncertainty of the future over the pain and sadness of the past just makes sense if we are to make forward progress! Kudos to you for the tough years you must have spent on your own with your kids. Even on my worst days (and theirs!), my children give my life meaning and purpose.

 

 

I feel foolish for spending so much time dwelling on this. I obviously KNOW it is unhealthy and no good will come of it. "Talking" it out snaps me back into reality so again, I appreciate everyone who takes the time to reply. It is always shocking how many similarities there are in our stories. I even find comfort in the fact that so many of these MM end up back home with their families. Whether it works out in the long run or not is their cross to bear. My xMM may have broken my heart (into five hundred million pieces) but he is not a bad person. He made a mistake and this is the path he has chosen to redemption. His choice to keep his family intact has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. If my pain feels "uneven" it is of my own volition! Tomorrow I am going to choose to be a little less broken.

 

 

All the best!

[gettingstronger]

I am on the other side of the same story. I am the BS and we are still together. Our OW is headed for divorce. I think the unevenness started before DDay. She wanted out of her marriage, he did not. She is heartbroken over him, he is heartbroken over what he did to me. Heartbreak is heartbreak no matter how you look at it. She intruded for a long time, for what reason I do not know, but it's clear no one comes out unscathed. You have a good outlook on this and I wish you peace , happiness and healing. Cheers!

[Artie Lang]

i agree that your husband shouldn't be the consolation prize and letting him go may be for the best, but it seems like you're still somewhat "foggy" when it cones to the OM. also, it seems like you may have wanted him to leave his marriage so you two could ride off into the sunset together... am i wrong?

 

sounds like an "exit affair" for you, only to have it blow up in your face.

 

 

furthermore... the way you tell, he(OM) pretty much threw you under the bus to save his own ass and pretty much threw you by the wayside, adding insult to injury. yet, you still see him in a good light.

 

i think you should take off those rose-colored glasses and see him for what he really is- a no- good, lying cheater who took the easy way out when backed up against the wall... like a rat on a sinking ship.

 

he's NOT a "good" person, that's for DAMN sure- WAKE UP, ALREADY!

Edited March 13, 2014 by Artie Lang

[herself]

I want you to remember, YOU are the braver tougher one for what your going through.

I know you are grieving, Im so sorry. But life has such happiness for you.

Heal, and face one day at a time and let divorce go through peacefully, and be humble to acknowledge the mistakes caused by affair. Express deep apologies and then..... you will not only work on forgiving yourself for your past , but you will find yourself again and will have new growth and lessons learned.

You will be free.

Its all gonna be ok, one step at a time.

[Suque]

((Inapp)) I still can't get over how similar our stories seem. I guess there really is a handbook! I am even a teacher too!!! I feel and live your pain. You are not alone...

[wasntlooking]

Awww inapp, im so sorry for your situation but i know its best.i know you know but im struggling too. It takes great strength to do what you are doing. You will be ok, i know it. Youre very strong.

 

Im still fighting through my mistakes and am not ready to give up yet but in the end if it heads to a D then at least i know I tried. You tried too. Hang in there and im here for you to process any thoughts. 8-)

 

I believe theres a reason for everything. Youll be fine.

[wasntlooking]

Suque

Wanted to say that i understand you too. Read some of my threads too. I took a break from posting a bit but cant leave anyone who may need " processing" out. Im here to chat if you need to. Hang in there!

[Hope Shimmers]

i think you should take off those rose-colored glasses and see him for what he really is- a no- good, lying cheater who took the easy way out when backed up against the wall... like a rat on a sinking ship.

 

he's NOT a "good" person, that's for DAMN sure- WAKE UP, ALREADY!

 

I disagree. It's not as black and white as you wish to make it.

 

He is a human being who made a mistake in terms of his marriage and now is trying to right that. The fact is that human beings are not wired to be monogamous. That's not my opinion - it's scientific fact, and the divorce rates and affair rates back that up. It is a conscious, very hard decision to be monogamous for decades and decades. It was easier when the Bible was written, when life expectancies were around 30 years. Now that people are routinely expected to be married to the same person - relegated to sex only with that same person and emotional stimulation only with that same person - for 30 or 40 years or longer, it is harder. Especially with the advent of the internet and technology that makes it oh, so very easy to meet people, connect with them, interact with them.

 

Some people screw up and then they do what they can to make it right. Other people screw up and move on.

 

Calling someone a "no good, lying cheater" (someone you don't even know) is not constructive, in my opinion. Nor is it true, no matter how much you might wish it was.

 

Someone in an earlier post made this statement: "He loved his marriage more than he loved his relationship with you" ('you' referring to the OP). I think that says it all. It goes beyond feelings for individual people. It means his marriage - much more long-term and the life he has built, his kids' lives, etc - mean more than he can part with, even if now he feels 'more' for another person than his wife. It's about commitment and history and the building of family. And crappy timing for the OP.

[inappfriendly]

Artie, thanks for posting. I always appreciate your somewhat caustic but always honest POV!

 

I agree with a lot of your reply. My A was probably an exit strategy. At the very least it filled the emotional void left from a a dying M. I did think he and I were in the same boat and while I didn't think we would ride off into the sunset and life would be all flowers and sausages, I didn't expect to be tossed overboard so carelessly and left to drown! Thinking about how he threw me under the bus over and over (and even TOLD me he did) does remind me that he is not a saint nor did he have very much regard for my feelings or well-being. That sucks and hurts. A lot. But as a hot blooded Italian I know that I have to leep my anger in check or else I am bound to do something stupid like try to get revenge! Injustice eats at my spirit. So for now, while the emotions are still raw, it is better for everyone if I keep the rose-colored glasses ON and think about him as a human and not a monster. Plus, admitting that I fell in love and put so much on the line for a lying, cheating, back-stabbing coward doesn't do much for my self-esteem!!!

[FoolishOW]

Inapp...thanks for your kind reply. I sincerely meant everything I mentioned, and I'm glad it made you feel a bit better. All things in time, for sure. Look forward to your continued posts on LS... Foolish. (Gotta love these screen names, huh?)