what is acceptable behavior for married people

[Don]

My girlfriend and I are talking about marriage and our future together. As a result, I have been looking at a couple of different issues she and I will have to resolve before I will be ready to take that next step in our relationship.

 

One of the issues I have with my girlfriend is regarding the "girls' weekends" she spends with her best friend. In the past she, as a single person, and her best friend who is married would spend a "girls' weekend " at Vegas or Laughlin going out to bars and meeting guys who they would then call their "boyfriends" , and on occasion spend the rest of the weekend with them. They would develop a relationship with these guys, which lead to physical exchanges of affections (i.e. playing around a bit). As a single person obviously all of that goes without question as acceptable. As person in a LTR (at this point) or as a married person, my girlfriend now has to confront the issue of her best friends behavior (married person acting as a single person and the lack of honesty her best friend has with her husband). I have no questions about my girlfriend's attitude regarding her own behavior as a married person (or LTR at this point) as we have discussed the issue and agree on what is and what is not acceptable behavior for both of us. She has said " I won't act like Susan (the best friend) and I don't condone her behavior as a married person".

 

Susan and I have very different views on what is acceptable behavior for married people and she has challenged my views publicly in the past and I can see a time when she will do so again in the near future. Susan doesn't want to see my girlfriend change her actions with respect to her marital or relationship status. Susan also is defending her own behavior as acceptable and is trying to impose her views on my girlfriend's and my relationship. If this issue is aired publicly I am afraid that there will be heavy drama and pain for everyone, including Susan's husband who says he is ok with the "girls' weekends" but doesn't know the truth about his wife's actions.

 

I don't want to control my girlfriends relationship with her best friend. I don't want to have her(Susan) impose her views on this issue on our(GF and I) relationship and I don't want to impose my views on Susan's relationship with her husband. Should I talk to Susan about this issue directly, or should I talk only to my girlfriend about it?

 

Please Advise, as I am in a pickle with this one.

[Laurynn]

i just want to make sure i'm understanding this correctly.

 

your girlfriend and this married woman, susan, used to have these 'girls weekends'.....but since your girlfriend entered into a long term relationship with you, she's no longer taken part in them ???

 

if this is true, what you're worried about now is that susan will influence your girlfriend's [and potential future wife] beliefs/attitudes and behavior ??? [so that she acts like susan]

 

i think that if your girlfriend is strong in her beliefs and convictions, and she has the utmost respect for you and your relationship/possible future marriage, she's not going to be influenced.

 

i don't see much point confronting susan....she obviously doesn't see things the way you do....and by confronting her, this will probably annoy the heck out of her, she'll go tell your girlfriend, then it's possible your girlfriend will be angry.....that you're going behind her back, and that you maybe don't trust her.

 

yes, like you, i feel very sorry for susan's husband. so she still goes on these 'weekends' i take it ???

 

laurynn

[Katie]

You will definitely need to talk to your girlfriend about this and explain to her why it would bother you if she acts like her friend susan. I think your girlfriend should take her own decisions, instead of being influenced by her friend. Marriage is a very serious topic, it involves mutual respect from both partners. The "girls" weekends like they used to have are no longer appropriate in a marriage since it can cause pain and confusion. Your girlfriend have the rigth to go out with friends as long as her actions don't jeopardize your relationship.

 

Also, she should be aware of the type of friends she is hanging out with. I suppose your relationship means alot to her. Therefore, talk to her about this and try not to include her friend in this because this topic is between you and her. Good luck!

[don]

the problem isn't so much with my girlfriends actions or attitude regarding what is or isn't accecptable in a LTR or marriage, but that her best friend( they also work together) has and is going to bring up this issue at some point in the future in a public setting. It seems like she is ralling her troops to defend herself, her actions, and to maintain the good times durring the girls' weekends.

 

Is this more clear?

 

btw thanks for your response.

You will definitely need to talk to your girlfriend about this and explain to her why it would bother you if she acts like her friend susan. I think your girlfriend should take her own decisions, instead of being influenced by her friend. Marriage is a very serious topic, it involves mutual respect from both partners. The "girls" weekends like they used to have are no longer appropriate in a marriage since it can cause pain and confusion. Your girlfriend have the rigth to go out with friends as long as her actions don't jeopardize your relationship. Also, she should be aware of the type of friends she is hanging out with. I suppose your relationship means alot to her. Therefore, talk to her about this and try not to include her friend in this because this topic is between you and her. Good luck!

[don]

the problem isn't so much with my girlfriends actions or attitude regarding what is or isn't accecptable in a LTR or marriage, but that her best friend( they also work together) has and is going to bring up this issue at some point in the future in a public setting. It seems like she is ralling her troops to defend herself, her actions, and to maintain the good times durring the girls' weekends.

 

Is this more clear?

 

btw thanks for your response.

i just want to make sure i'm understanding this correctly. your girlfriend and this married woman, susan, used to have these 'girls weekends'.....but since your girlfriend entered into a long term relationship with you, she's no longer taken part in them ???

 

if this is true, what you're worried about now is that susan will influence your girlfriend's [and potential future wife] beliefs/attitudes and behavior ??? [so that she acts like susan]

 

i think that if your girlfriend is strong in her beliefs and convictions, and she has the utmost respect for you and your relationship/possible future marriage, she's not going to be influenced.

 

i don't see much point confronting susan....she obviously doesn't see things the way you do....and by confronting her, this will probably annoy the heck out of her, she'll go tell your girlfriend, then it's possible your girlfriend will be angry.....that you're going behind her back, and that you maybe don't trust her. yes, like you, i feel very sorry for susan's husband. so she still goes on these 'weekends' i take it ??? laurynn

[Laurynn]

why does it matter to you if susan brings up this topic in public ??? it would seem to me, that the only thing that matters is your girlfriend....not susan's beliefs or actions.

 

if your girlfriend is strong in her convictions, and believes that these 'single weekends' are inappropriate and disrespectful when in a long term relationship or marriage, why does it matter what susan says ??? surely your girlfriend can speak up for her own beliefs, right ???

 

sorry but i really don't understand the problem.

 

laurynn

[Laurynn]

it seems that you're worrying about 'what ifs'.....you're worrying about something that might not even happen. the only thing you should be concerned about, in my opinion, is your girlfriend's beliefs and actions......not those of her friend. you can't control her friend, and her friend is entitled to live her life however she chooses.

 

what specifically, are you worried that she'll bring up publicly ??? please give us an example of specifically what you're worried she'll say [susan]...then maybe we can better understand.

 

if your girlfriend is someone who's strong in her beliefs, and isn't going to be influenced or swayed by others [including susan], then you have nothing to worry about. if you -are- worried that susan will eventually wear your girlfriend down to seeing things 'her way'......then this isn't someone you'd want to spend your life with........you want a woman who will not be influenced by others....you want someone who will respect you and your relationship...right ???

 

it sounds to me like you're worried that susan will attempt to brainwash your girlfriend. i guess that's possible, she might try to do that...but if your girlfriend is really committed to you, and your relationship, she'll not be swayed in her beliefs. if you trust your girlfriend, you should have nothing to worry about. do you trust her ???

 

laurynn

[don]

I'm not worried about my girlfriend's actions nor am I worried about her being swayed or influenced by her best friend(susan). Susan has in the past(not a what if) stepped into arguments my girlfriend and I have had, and she is known to have stepped in on other couples problems or arguments/discussions.She has recently made comments about how I just need to be ok with their weekends, and that if I'm not ok with them then I must not be trusting my girlfriend. Because to her everything she does is ok and she doesn't want to have to find someone else to party with. She likes to open up these kind of discussions at group functions like parties, ect. usually after a few drinks.

 

Ok, this is my girlfriend's best friend. My girlfriend doesn't want to loose her best friend, and I don't want to come off as some jerk-o-boyfriend when I stand up and defend myself at one of Susan's public lashings. Basically if I defend myself I run the risk of critizing susan's actions and possible hurting my girlfrind and susan's relationship.

it seems that you're worrying about 'what ifs'.....you're worrying about something that might not even happen. the only thing you should be concerned about, in my opinion, is your girlfriend's beliefs and actions......not those of her friend. you can't control her friend, and her friend is entitled to live her life however she chooses.

 

what specifically, are you worried that she'll bring up publicly ??? please give us an example of specifically what you're worried she'll say [susan]...then maybe we can better understand.

 

if your girlfriend is someone who's strong in her beliefs, and isn't going to be influenced or swayed by others [including susan], then you have nothing to worry about. if you -are- worried that susan will eventually wear your girlfriend down to seeing things 'her way'......then this isn't someone you'd want to spend your life with........you want a woman who will not be influenced by others....you want someone who will respect you and your relationship...right ??? it sounds to me like you're worried that susan will attempt to brainwash your girlfriend. i guess that's possible, she might try to do that...but if your girlfriend is really committed to you, and your relationship, she'll not be swayed in her beliefs. if you trust your girlfriend, you should have nothing to worry about. do you trust her ??? laurynn

[don]

My girlfriend doesn't want to confront Susan with the issue. Should I ask her to directly or should I confront susan myself?

why does it matter to you if susan brings up this topic in public ??? it would seem to me, that the only thing that matters is your girlfriend....not susan's beliefs or actions. if your girlfriend is strong in her convictions, and believes that these 'single weekends' are inappropriate and disrespectful when in a long term relationship or marriage, why does it matter what susan says ??? surely your girlfriend can speak up for her own beliefs, right ??? sorry but i really don't understand the problem.

 

laurynn